Sunday 18 October 2009

News in brief...

Chancellor Alistair Darling has praised the ingenuity of the investment banking community. He was responding to grumbles from some quarters about the size of bonuses that RBS bankers are going to receive this year. It is claimed that these could be as high as 5 Million. But Mr. Darling claimed, "This shows how smart they are. A year after we bailed them out with taxpayers cash, they are getting rich on the proceeds. And we can do nothing about it. You have to hand it to them. They have got us just where they want us."

Elsewhere, a Treasury official has been explaining the 'trickle down' effect. This is the proposition that justifies some people in society earning huge amounts of money, whilst others earn next to nothing. "These high salaries at the top benefit everyone," he said, "The wealth feeds down through the rest of society through taxes, charitable giving and of course the purchase of goods and services that keep the rest of the economy moving. Trickle down is rather like this: I tuck into my massive hog roast, then I feed the rest of you by chucking you morsels and scraps of food from my plate. That way we all get fed."

David Cameron has demonstrated that he will follow Gordon Brown's lead by making pointless additions to the house of Lords. He intends to elevate the property 'guru' Kirstie Allsop to the upper chamber. Mr Cameron denied claims that this was the 'window-dressing' approach to political appointments of the kind pioneered by Gordon Brown in recent years. "When it comes to doing up a house," said Cameron, "Kirstie knows all there is to know. It's just that in this case the house is the House of Lords. The old place needs a lick of paint."

A survey has revealed that ninety per cent of the British public feel sorry for MPs and believe that the press should stop criticising them over expenses. No-one knows precisely how the survey was conducted or whom researchers interviewed, but the market research company involved claimed that it applied the same rigourous standards as Sir Thomas Legg had to his report on MPs expenses that appeared earlier this week.

18 comments:

  1. None of this is really that funny - on account of the fact that it is all true.

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  2. Isn't it strange? Cameron used to give the impression that he was above all this celebrity nonsense (cf. Big Brother row, X-factor comments etc).
    Now he is praising Tracing-Paper Emin and Kirstie the banal.
    So sad, they all sell out in the end.

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  3. I feel sorry for MPs...
    ... the w**kers!

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  4. Please stop maligning me so. I have spread aspirational DIY to more homes than Margaret Thatcher ever did.

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  5. Please stop mal... maly... please stop dissing me as well.
    I have made more money out of tat than any artist in history!

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  6. How did these 'smart' bankers earn their profits? By writing off last year's debt, then trading the bonds that the government had to issue in order to bail them out in the first place.
    Creative accounting, eh?

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  7. Trickle down? I love it. How do they earn the wages from which this tax is accrued? By charging the Government fat fees to organise the borrowing that increases our budget deficit.
    Simples!

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  8. Just getting rid of bonuses won't work. It will simply transfer profits to the share-holders who do even less to deserve them than the bankers. The real issue is that the profits are unjustifiably high. And these profits come out of taxpayers pockets, despite the banks trying to pretend that they are earned fair and square.

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  9. It's no surprise that Cameron will ultimately try to appeal to Little Britain by flirting with vacuous tv people

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  10. trickle down is fine. personally i only eat scraps, that's how lowly i am

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  11. trickle down is fine. personally i only eat scraps, that's how lowly i am.

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  12. Give me tickle down any day

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  13. What a surprise about Cameron!
    He has yielded to populism. And to think a Tory like him! Next he'll be into 'focus groups'!
    'Keep it real, Dave!'

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  14. I think 90% of the public feel 'Legged over'

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  15. Legg before kick it (into the long grass)

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  16. Apparently Allsap has been 'advising' the Tories for some time now - God knows what on.
    Maybe she's going to do some DIY on Conservative central office (or whatever its called nowadays)

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  17. Maybe she'll advise the Tories that the best 'location' to be in right now is the Isle of Man.

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  18. Can you all please stop it now!
    Most people consider me to be a national treasure, and TV Babes magazine recently voted me the most popular TV presenter since Esther Rantzen.
    So lay off, or I might get nasty.

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