Wednesday, 16 September 2009

"I see them everywhere"

Dan Brown's latest conspiracy theory novel, The Lost Phallus, has the hero Robert Langdon chasing penises. The book is true to the spirit of his first two novels, Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons where the Professor uncovered the mysteries of secret sects using his genius for decoding symbols. The plot is hair-raising and has Langdon alternately being chased or obstructed by nutters who are determined to keep their phalluses to themselves.

In the latest novel the plot revolves around the symbols not of religion but of government and commerce. The Washington Monument is central to Langdon's 'penis obsession' but The Eiffel Tower and Taipei 101 also play big parts in the proceedings. Langdon believes that the leading world powers were actually established by sex-mad political leaders who all signed up to the notion that "Power is the best aphrodisiac." He also thinks that early mystics hid clues to facts that would blow apart our understanding of reproduction.... and that they hid those clues in famous monuments.

Naturally Langdon is seen as a meddler by the phallocentric 'keepers of the secrets of reproduction' and they send a crazed scientist called Dawkins to get him. Dawkins will do absolutely anything to protect the truth. However, once Langdon has got the 'bit between his teeth', there's no stopping him and before long he starts seeing penises everywhere - even in his breakfast cereal.

The story ends dramatically with a giant gorilla climbing the Washington Monument, holding the Professor's 'female helper' Fay Wray in his sweaty palm. This is seen as a symbol of the repressed sexuality of the political classes. Meanwhile Dawkins is dispatched whilst trying to beat Langdon at a game of 'advanced symbology'. And Langdon's friend Professor Derrida claims that "The inner truth of gender is a fabrication." Nobody knows what he means by this. But it appears to do the trick, and the world's politicians soon come together and promise to be more transparent in future about their 'sexual relations' with 'those interns' etc.

The drama ends memorably with the symbologist Langdon raising aloft a large dildo and stating: "I have at long last got to grips with this sacred object."


  1. Dan Brown has been rogering me for years.
    He got the idea for his first book from my feted Foucault's Pendulum.
    Only difference is that Brown is a moron

  2. 80 Million readers can't be wrong.

  3. People love these books because they hope they might be true

  4. What a bunch of sheep his readers must be, queuing up till midnight for the book launch

  5. That guy better not come near Hogwarts that is all I can say.
    He'll have trouble decoding my shit

  6. Dan Brown is the worst writer that I have ever come across. Even worse than Jeff Archer or that silly country woman.
    Apparently a few years ago Da Vinci code was the most popular reading for MPs heading out on holiday.
    That says a lot about MPs.

  7. It wasn't Derrida who said that about the inner truth of gender. It was Butler

  8. I always thought Jesus lived in SOuth America

  9. It is a little known fact that JK Rowling stole her Harry Potter character from my truth-based factional history of the 19th century magical adventurer called Henry Patter.
    The rest is history

  10. Listen honey, to some the dildo is a sacred object.

  11. Little do people know that the nineteenth century explorer Daniel Brown discovered a mystical sect in Ethiopia that worshipped the practice known as penis enlargement.
    So don't talk to me about Dan Brown. He is a fake who has evidently modelled himself on the saintly Victorian explorer.

  12. 80 Million readers can't be wrong

  13. Cunn I jast sigh zet power really eez zah best avrodiziag

  14. William Jefferson Clintoris16 September 2009 at 15:32

    If aye mart add a few words... I did nart and never have hayd sexual relations with thart intern y'all call Monica

  15. Expelliamus!
    Be gone Robert Langdon.
    You will never know the mysteries of the world and all the things that everyone keeps secret. For I Harry Potter shall decodify everything. And when I am older, that will include things of sexual nature.
    Anyway does anyone know what a dildo is?

  16. You, Harry Potter could not decodify the end of you own penis you little pipsqueak
    Only I understand the sexual nature of our universe and you would blush if you saw some of the sexual innuendo that I have decoded.
    For you are a mere schoolboy and you probably do not know the mysteries of the female cup - as indeed I do

  17. A young buck I might be, but at least I know what to do with my magic stick.
    You've never poked a girl in any of your books

  18. That, Master Potter, is because I am not a kiss and tell type like yourself.
    I do all my boning off set, you pathetic little pipsqueak.
    So in the vernacular of Hogwarts I would like to tell you to get the fuckiamus outta here.

  19. Can I just say what a load of cheap, vulgar unintellectualised shit this is?
    There aren't even any references to Knight's Templars.
    Call yourself symbologists?
    Simpering bolloxists more like