Gormless Gordon has given cabinet ministers the following instructions: They should accidentally-on-purpose reveal that the election will be held on May 6th. He actually wants to call a snap general election before that date to wrong-foot the opposition. Here is how this subterfuge works:
(Three ministers are being interviewed in the Sky TV studios. They are Bumbling Bob Ainsworth, the Defence Secretary, Europe Minister Chris Bryant and Foreign Secretary David Milipede.)
Sky TV: Mr Ainsworth, do you know the date of the general election? Mr Ainsworth...? Mr Ainsworth?
(Shot of Bob Ainsworth asleep and snoring. Long stick appears from the corner and pokes him. He springs to life.)
Bumbling Bob: Yes? Yes?. What? The election? I don't know the exact date of the election except that it will be May 6th... Oh, damn, damn, damn. I weren't supposed to say May 6th. Gordon is going to be proper mad at me for revealing that it were May 6th, cos we were trying to keep it a secret.
Chris Bryant: If I might step in there, Bob... can I just add that nothing that my friend Bumbling Bob has said proves that the election will be held on May 6th. Although in all honesty, I really hope that there won't be a Tory government on May 7th. Oh ruddy hell. I don't believe it. You know what I've gone and done?
Bumbling Bob: What have ya gone and done, Chris?
Chris Bryant: I've only gone and told everyone that the election will effectively be on May 6th, haven't I?
Bumbling Bob: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. We're going to be in a proper pickle now aren't we? All these Sky TV viewers are going to think that the election will be on May 6th. And Gormless Gordon said that he would be right mad if we told anyone.
Chris Bryant: He did that, didn't he Bob? To quote, Gormless Gordy said, "I the undersigned will be proper mad if any of you lot reveal that the date of the election will be May 6th."
Sky TV: Sorry gents, can we move on? Mr Miliband... Have you anything to add to what your colleagues almost accidentally revealed just then or would you like to talk about something else?
David Milipede: Yes. I would like to talk about the election threat, I mean the terror threat... The fact is that these people will stop at nothing: they will try every trick in the book, they will use advanced technology, they will use all the mechanisms of open society that we depend on for their own terrible purposes.
Sky TV : Are you referring to Al Qaeda, Mr Miliband?
Milipede : No, I was talking about New Labour, who I hope will get back in on May 6th.
Bumbling Bob: (nudges Chris Bryant) You know what he's just done, don't you Chris?
Chris Bryant: Oh, you're right Bob. He's only gone and revealed the date of the general election.
Bumbling Bob: Dave, son. You weren't supposed to say that.
Milipede: Oh, my God. You're right. Gormless Gordy is going to be mad now. I can't believe it. I actually revealed the bloody election date.
Bumbling Bob: Oh, well. You never know. The viewers might not have noticed. You might have got away with it.
Chris Bryant: You're right there, Bob. It could have been much much worse.
Bumbling Bob: Yes, Chris. Much worse... We could have revealed that the election was actually going to be in March.
Monday, 25 January 2010
Saturday, 23 January 2010
New Gordon
The government has raised the threat level for a General Election to imminent. The Home Office announced “Whilst we do not wish to alarm the public, the new level means that people need to be more aware.” The government was not prepared to reveal specific intelligence, but hinted that increased ‘chatter’ led to the decision.
“Gordon is keen to avoid the mistake that he made in 2007 when he appeared weak and indecisive, and unsure whether to call an election. But this is the 'New Gordon', a leader who determined to scare people into voting him back to Number Ten.”
The spokesman added, “New Gordon, New Warning.”
“Gordon is keen to avoid the mistake that he made in 2007 when he appeared weak and indecisive, and unsure whether to call an election. But this is the 'New Gordon', a leader who determined to scare people into voting him back to Number Ten.”
The spokesman added, “New Gordon, New Warning.”
Friday, 22 January 2010
Wall Street revolution
We have been gauging the initial reaction to Barack Obama's plans to fight Wall Street excesses. Here are some of the opinions of banking professionals and politicians on both sides of the Atlantic:
Troy Ackerman (who works for Golden Sucker Bank): This is the pits. If these guys don't want our toxic waste then we'll take it elsewhere.... somewhere like Switzerland where they respect toxic waste.
Kent J. Mayflower (Morgue Bank): When you've spent as long as I have in banking, you think you've seen everything. But I was not prepared for this. (I don't mean the meltdown, I mean Obama's reaction to it.) I am just about ready to move to Liechtenstein where they appreciate a man like myself who respects the privacy of others and doesn't mind being bored to death.
Sam Yeswecana (Banca Nostra): Who is this Obama clown? He's acting like a regular mobster. That's our territory. I'm moving to Napoli where they respect guys like me.... Hold on just one minute. Actually, I ain't going nowhere.
Fred the Pensioner (Soiled Bank of Scotland): I spent a lifetime working industriously, building a noble provincial firm into a banking behemoth whilst hoping that people would thank me for putting one of their Scottish, nay British, firms onto the world stage. But then along comes this fellow, Fred the Pensh and ruins it all by bringing the noble institution to its knees. And does anyone have an ounce of sympathy for my plight? My life work ruined? The hell they do. Well that's it. I am off to spend my remaining years with my pension. Until of course somebody offers me a directorship - or even a well paid consultancy - in one of the newly regulated banks. Failing that I am going to live and work in Andorra where they respect people like myself.
Republican spokesman: This is a cynical attempt to whip up public opinion. We'll be publishing our even more stringent ideas in a few days time.
Doctor Boris Johnson: When a man is tired of the City of London, he is tired of that reckless banking casino that we call life... Wonder what am I going to do with all my banking stocks? Better dump 'em pretty quick. I am off to Luxembourg where they respect people like myself.
Boy George Osborne: Don't listen to Boris. He's mad. We'll have whatever Obama's having.
Alistair Darling: This is a cynical attempt by the Conservatives to whip up public opinion. We'll wait to see what level of support there is for Obama's proposals and then rustle up something derivative of our own.
Alan Greenspam: Did someone mention derivative?
Troy Ackerman (who works for Golden Sucker Bank): This is the pits. If these guys don't want our toxic waste then we'll take it elsewhere.... somewhere like Switzerland where they respect toxic waste.
Kent J. Mayflower (Morgue Bank): When you've spent as long as I have in banking, you think you've seen everything. But I was not prepared for this. (I don't mean the meltdown, I mean Obama's reaction to it.) I am just about ready to move to Liechtenstein where they appreciate a man like myself who respects the privacy of others and doesn't mind being bored to death.
Sam Yeswecana (Banca Nostra): Who is this Obama clown? He's acting like a regular mobster. That's our territory. I'm moving to Napoli where they respect guys like me.... Hold on just one minute. Actually, I ain't going nowhere.
Fred the Pensioner (Soiled Bank of Scotland): I spent a lifetime working industriously, building a noble provincial firm into a banking behemoth whilst hoping that people would thank me for putting one of their Scottish, nay British, firms onto the world stage. But then along comes this fellow, Fred the Pensh and ruins it all by bringing the noble institution to its knees. And does anyone have an ounce of sympathy for my plight? My life work ruined? The hell they do. Well that's it. I am off to spend my remaining years with my pension. Until of course somebody offers me a directorship - or even a well paid consultancy - in one of the newly regulated banks. Failing that I am going to live and work in Andorra where they respect people like myself.
Republican spokesman: This is a cynical attempt to whip up public opinion. We'll be publishing our even more stringent ideas in a few days time.
Doctor Boris Johnson: When a man is tired of the City of London, he is tired of that reckless banking casino that we call life... Wonder what am I going to do with all my banking stocks? Better dump 'em pretty quick. I am off to Luxembourg where they respect people like myself.
Boy George Osborne: Don't listen to Boris. He's mad. We'll have whatever Obama's having.
Alistair Darling: This is a cynical attempt by the Conservatives to whip up public opinion. We'll wait to see what level of support there is for Obama's proposals and then rustle up something derivative of our own.
Alan Greenspam: Did someone mention derivative?
Thursday, 21 January 2010
End to boom and bust
Gordon Brown confirmed today what he has always claimed - that he has put an end to boom and bust. This comes a day after the government announced a surprise 7,000 drop in its main measure of unemployment in the three months to November.
"In 2008, a sixteen year boom, the longest period of growth in economic history, came to an end. And now, with the latest positive figures on unemployment, the bust that followed that boom has also ended. I can therefore safely say that during my stewardship of the economy as Chancellor and my subsequent Premiership at No.10 I have ended first boom and then bust. And if that is not an end to boom and bust, what is?"
"In 2008, a sixteen year boom, the longest period of growth in economic history, came to an end. And now, with the latest positive figures on unemployment, the bust that followed that boom has also ended. I can therefore safely say that during my stewardship of the economy as Chancellor and my subsequent Premiership at No.10 I have ended first boom and then bust. And if that is not an end to boom and bust, what is?"
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Gordon and the Chocolate Factory
Gordon strolled back to Downing Street with a Cadbury chocolate bar in his hand. Cadbury owned the nation's favorite chocolate factory and provided what Gordon always said that British companies should provide: British jobs for British workers.
As he tucked into his delicious chocolate he bumped into an Oompa-Loompa who was looking rather sad. "Why the glum face, my friend?" he asked.
"Mr Brown, you said that you would protect our jobs, but Willy Wonker says that there will definitely be lay-offs. You sold us down the river."
"Not true, said Gordon. "If Britain is to survive in the globalised economy then we will have to make tough decisions. And if that means losing one of our biggest confectionery manufacturers to a US rival in the interests of competition then so be it."
"You make the tough decisions, Mr. Brown, but its us who have to live with them. I thought that you cared about British jobs."
"Oh yes, there's one British job that I definitely care about, my friend, and that's my own. You see, Willy Wonker says that he'll be leaving the factory soon after the takeover, so there will be a position vacant on the board of the new organisation. And if I lose my own job at the next general election - God forbid - then that position could be mine. There you go, that is at least one British job that will be saved."
With that Gordon polished off his chocolate bar and ambled back to Downing Street. As he did so he sang to himself his favorite Cadbury jingle: "Everyone's a fruit and nutcase..." and wondered how he would be remembered in years to come.
As he tucked into his delicious chocolate he bumped into an Oompa-Loompa who was looking rather sad. "Why the glum face, my friend?" he asked.
"Mr Brown, you said that you would protect our jobs, but Willy Wonker says that there will definitely be lay-offs. You sold us down the river."
"Not true, said Gordon. "If Britain is to survive in the globalised economy then we will have to make tough decisions. And if that means losing one of our biggest confectionery manufacturers to a US rival in the interests of competition then so be it."
"You make the tough decisions, Mr. Brown, but its us who have to live with them. I thought that you cared about British jobs."
"Oh yes, there's one British job that I definitely care about, my friend, and that's my own. You see, Willy Wonker says that he'll be leaving the factory soon after the takeover, so there will be a position vacant on the board of the new organisation. And if I lose my own job at the next general election - God forbid - then that position could be mine. There you go, that is at least one British job that will be saved."
With that Gordon polished off his chocolate bar and ambled back to Downing Street. As he did so he sang to himself his favorite Cadbury jingle: "Everyone's a fruit and nutcase..." and wondered how he would be remembered in years to come.
Banks to get charitable status
The government has confirmed that banks are to get charitable status by turning themselves into churches. The idea was originally proposed last year when a Bank of England report looked into whether some banks are 'too sacred to fail'.
The report concluded: "Some institutions will need to be ring-fenced so that during a crisis they can continue to operate and offer essential services. If this means applying different policies on tax and pay to these institutions then so be it.
A spokesman for The Church of the Latter Day Sachs commented: "This is what we have been asking for all along. Banks need this kind of ring-fencing. Without religion, you can't pray. But without banks you can't pay. Which is worse? Go figure." The spokesman for the Morgan Tabernacle Church added, "Now it's official. Greed is God."
The report concluded: "Some institutions will need to be ring-fenced so that during a crisis they can continue to operate and offer essential services. If this means applying different policies on tax and pay to these institutions then so be it.
A spokesman for The Church of the Latter Day Sachs commented: "This is what we have been asking for all along. Banks need this kind of ring-fencing. Without religion, you can't pray. But without banks you can't pay. Which is worse? Go figure." The spokesman for the Morgan Tabernacle Church added, "Now it's official. Greed is God."
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Three Men on Class (The Sequel)
Fred the Shred: (Dressed in Armani suit) I look down on him (Indicates Gordon Brown) because I am upper-class.
Gordon Brown: (Marks and Spencer suit) I look up to him (Fred the Shred) because he is upper-class; but I look down on him (Taxpayer) because he is lower-class. I am middle-class
Taxpayer: (Dressed in football shirt) I know my place. I look up to them both. But I don't look up to him (Gordon Brown) as much as I look up to him (Fred the Shred), because he has loads of money.
Fred the Shred: I have loads of money, but I cannot legislate. So sometimes I look up (bends knees, looks up) to him (Gordon Brown).
Gordon Brown: I still look up to him (Fred the Shred) because although I can legislate, I am still totally out of my depth. But I am not as out of my depth as him (Taxpayer) so I still look down on him (Taxpayer).
Taxpayer: I know my place. I look up to them both; but while I am poor, I am honest, industrious and trustworthy. Had I the inclination, I could look down on them. But I don't.
Gordon Brown: We all know our place, but what do we get out of it?
Fred the Shred: I get a feeling of superiority over them.
Gordon Brown: I get a feeling of inferiority from him, (Fred the Shred), but a feeling of superiority over him (Taxpayer).
Taxpayer: I get a pain in the back of my neck.
Gordon Brown: (Marks and Spencer suit) I look up to him (Fred the Shred) because he is upper-class; but I look down on him (Taxpayer) because he is lower-class. I am middle-class
Taxpayer: (Dressed in football shirt) I know my place. I look up to them both. But I don't look up to him (Gordon Brown) as much as I look up to him (Fred the Shred), because he has loads of money.
Fred the Shred: I have loads of money, but I cannot legislate. So sometimes I look up (bends knees, looks up) to him (Gordon Brown).
Gordon Brown: I still look up to him (Fred the Shred) because although I can legislate, I am still totally out of my depth. But I am not as out of my depth as him (Taxpayer) so I still look down on him (Taxpayer).
Taxpayer: I know my place. I look up to them both; but while I am poor, I am honest, industrious and trustworthy. Had I the inclination, I could look down on them. But I don't.
Gordon Brown: We all know our place, but what do we get out of it?
Fred the Shred: I get a feeling of superiority over them.
Gordon Brown: I get a feeling of inferiority from him, (Fred the Shred), but a feeling of superiority over him (Taxpayer).
Taxpayer: I get a pain in the back of my neck.
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Gordon Brown to have his 'Fuck the Rich' tattoo removed.
Gordon Brown has signalled that he will 'be there' for the middle classes if he wins the next election. In a bold statement this weekend he has announced that he will not only have his class war tattoos removed, but he will also buy a Renault Megane, join the Virgin Active Health Club, and have an Aga installed at No.10 Downing Street.
"There are clear choices to be made," he said. "Do we want a Britain where people lack aspiration and bang on about the playing fields of Eton? Or will we forge a country where we go to the opera, holiday in Tuscany, Verbier, Padstow and, most important of all, encourage our children to watch Nigella, Gok Wan and Strictly Come Dancing?"
"The choice is yours."
"There are clear choices to be made," he said. "Do we want a Britain where people lack aspiration and bang on about the playing fields of Eton? Or will we forge a country where we go to the opera, holiday in Tuscany, Verbier, Padstow and, most important of all, encourage our children to watch Nigella, Gok Wan and Strictly Come Dancing?"
"The choice is yours."
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Quote of the Century
Money makes the world go round... the bend
Jamie Dimon, the chief executive of JP Morgan, was critical of Obama and his vow to tax cash-rich Wall Street. "Using tax policy to punish people is a bad idea. All businesses tend to pass their costs on to customers," he said.
In the case of investment banking these 'costs' nowadays tend to be called 'bank bailout', or TARP... and they are actually passed on to tax payers as well as to customers. For the record, the costs are passed on when, for example, investment banks have brought the Western economies to the brink of financial meltdown.
Therefore, Jamie "buddy can you spare a" Dimon has a point... in a sense.
Just, not the sense in which he meant it.
Jamie Dimon, the chief executive of JP Morgan, was critical of Obama and his vow to tax cash-rich Wall Street. "Using tax policy to punish people is a bad idea. All businesses tend to pass their costs on to customers," he said.
In the case of investment banking these 'costs' nowadays tend to be called 'bank bailout', or TARP... and they are actually passed on to tax payers as well as to customers. For the record, the costs are passed on when, for example, investment banks have brought the Western economies to the brink of financial meltdown.
Therefore, Jamie "buddy can you spare a" Dimon has a point... in a sense.
Just, not the sense in which he meant it.
Friday, 15 January 2010
Waterstoned
The boss of Waterstone's, Gerry Johnson, relinquished his post this week after the company reported disappointing sales of celebrity memoirs. Johnson championed fresh literary talent such as Jordan, so it seems appropriate to let her comment on his departure.
"I have always loved books, ever since Dad left a copy of Swann's Way by Marcel Proust in the outside toilet. It wasn't in the original French I have to admit - I ain't that clever! - but I decided to pick it up and flick through it because I thought it might help me 'squeeze one out'. From the first paragraph I was gripped by the writer's ceaseless attention to detail. And what's more, I also drink herbal tea for my diet regime, so I know where the writer's coming from! Anyway, after me and Marcel got together, I realised I was meant for a life of writing.
"My route into writing was a bit unconventional though, I can tell you. My mate Dave, who was so clever that he even got into sixth form, told me he knew a thing or two about books. When I asked him how I could be a writer, he said. "There's one way that's tried and tested, darling. Get your kit off and flash your fun-bags." I thought it was a bit odd, but decided to give it a go, since Dave was so clever. (He knows over one hundred different words for breasts!) And guess what. After three boob jobs and a hundred photo-shoots, here I am. A writer in every sense of the word!
"It's really sad that Mr Waterstones has departed as he sort of gave me my lucky break. He decided he wasn't going to be snobby and thought that self made girls and boys could also go on his shelves. And I can tell you, it's really exciting to walk into a bookshop nowadays and see your name up in lights beside literary giants like Philip Roth, John Updike and Ant & Dec. And it also makes me really happy that I live in a really egalitarian society (egalitarian - see, I'm not just a pretty face) where you are judged by things other than just the number of Universities you've been to and how many books you read.
Anyway I just wanted to say my fond farewells to you, Mister Bookworm. Most of what you sell might be rubbish. (Some of these writers are so desperate to get published they even write all their own books, can you believe it?) But at least you had a big heart for a lovely girl with fine pair of chumbawumbas. And we feminists owe it to you for giving us a lucky break and letting us into your egghead world of Jeremy Clarkson and for letting us show the world that we career girls aren't just about big knockers and orange suntans and Hello magazine photo-shoots. No, the truth is that we can also teach the world a thing or two about herbal tea and girls and boys who are in love and, last but not least, about "Temps Perdu"... or should I say "Time is Money"!?!
"I have always loved books, ever since Dad left a copy of Swann's Way by Marcel Proust in the outside toilet. It wasn't in the original French I have to admit - I ain't that clever! - but I decided to pick it up and flick through it because I thought it might help me 'squeeze one out'. From the first paragraph I was gripped by the writer's ceaseless attention to detail. And what's more, I also drink herbal tea for my diet regime, so I know where the writer's coming from! Anyway, after me and Marcel got together, I realised I was meant for a life of writing.
"My route into writing was a bit unconventional though, I can tell you. My mate Dave, who was so clever that he even got into sixth form, told me he knew a thing or two about books. When I asked him how I could be a writer, he said. "There's one way that's tried and tested, darling. Get your kit off and flash your fun-bags." I thought it was a bit odd, but decided to give it a go, since Dave was so clever. (He knows over one hundred different words for breasts!) And guess what. After three boob jobs and a hundred photo-shoots, here I am. A writer in every sense of the word!
"It's really sad that Mr Waterstones has departed as he sort of gave me my lucky break. He decided he wasn't going to be snobby and thought that self made girls and boys could also go on his shelves. And I can tell you, it's really exciting to walk into a bookshop nowadays and see your name up in lights beside literary giants like Philip Roth, John Updike and Ant & Dec. And it also makes me really happy that I live in a really egalitarian society (egalitarian - see, I'm not just a pretty face) where you are judged by things other than just the number of Universities you've been to and how many books you read.
Anyway I just wanted to say my fond farewells to you, Mister Bookworm. Most of what you sell might be rubbish. (Some of these writers are so desperate to get published they even write all their own books, can you believe it?) But at least you had a big heart for a lovely girl with fine pair of chumbawumbas. And we feminists owe it to you for giving us a lucky break and letting us into your egghead world of Jeremy Clarkson and for letting us show the world that we career girls aren't just about big knockers and orange suntans and Hello magazine photo-shoots. No, the truth is that we can also teach the world a thing or two about herbal tea and girls and boys who are in love and, last but not least, about "Temps Perdu"... or should I say "Time is Money"!?!
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
10 million pound RBS Boss: Even my parents think I'm a greedy fuck.
RBS boss Stephen Hester gave evidence to the Treasury select committee yesterday. This is the transcript of that evidence.
John McFall, MP: What do your parents think of you, Mr Hester?
Hester: They think that I'm a greedy bastard.
(Roars of laughter in the committee room)
McFall: (Wiping tears from his eyes) Very good, Mr Hester. If I may say, that is an excellent joke. And one that I would expect from someone of your great standing. Now moving on, what does your wife think of you?
Hester: She thinks that I am a greedy bastard, but she likes the new kitchen.
(Derision throughout the chamber. Sound of MPs and journalists falling off their chairs)
McFall: You're in the wrong job, Mr Hester. You're a regular comedian, are you not? If I was head of light entertainment at the BBC I would pay you at least twenty million.
Hester: Indeed you would Mr McFall. Indeed you would.
(More laughter and derision.)
McFall: (Fighting to hold back the tears) Too much, too much, Mr Hester... Now, Mr H. What do your children think of you? And please, please take your time. I haven't wiped away all the tears that your last joke caused yet.
Hester: What do my children think? Well, Tom loved the Porsche. Tallulah adored the new pony and paddock, whilst Ed thinks I'm God after I bought him the recording studio.
(The chamber descends into chaos)
McFall: I have never come across such flair, such elegant wit. I am lucky to be here at this moment in time. Indeed, very lucky. Now, Mr Hester, what do your neighbours make of you?
Hester: My neighbours think I'm a greedy bastard. That's because they are envious. They tell people in our local village that I am a tosser. But they have to be nice to my face. You see, each year my family throws the most lavish summer ball in the county. If neighbours Ron and Val don't show due deference whenever they are in my company then they will find themselves very much uninvited. So, Ron and Val... who are the tossers now, eh? Eh?
(Howls of laughter around the chamber)
McFall: (Trying to compose himself) We are witnessing pure genius. No could ever possibly question your salary, however high it be, Mr Hester. You are indeed a man who is not just rich in monetary terms, but also in terms of your character, your spirit and your charming humour. Now, Mr Hester. One final question: What does the taxpayer think of you, do you reckon?
Hester: Taxpayer? Who gives a fuck about them?
John McFall, MP: What do your parents think of you, Mr Hester?
Hester: They think that I'm a greedy bastard.
(Roars of laughter in the committee room)
McFall: (Wiping tears from his eyes) Very good, Mr Hester. If I may say, that is an excellent joke. And one that I would expect from someone of your great standing. Now moving on, what does your wife think of you?
Hester: She thinks that I am a greedy bastard, but she likes the new kitchen.
(Derision throughout the chamber. Sound of MPs and journalists falling off their chairs)
McFall: You're in the wrong job, Mr Hester. You're a regular comedian, are you not? If I was head of light entertainment at the BBC I would pay you at least twenty million.
Hester: Indeed you would Mr McFall. Indeed you would.
(More laughter and derision.)
McFall: (Fighting to hold back the tears) Too much, too much, Mr Hester... Now, Mr H. What do your children think of you? And please, please take your time. I haven't wiped away all the tears that your last joke caused yet.
Hester: What do my children think? Well, Tom loved the Porsche. Tallulah adored the new pony and paddock, whilst Ed thinks I'm God after I bought him the recording studio.
(The chamber descends into chaos)
McFall: I have never come across such flair, such elegant wit. I am lucky to be here at this moment in time. Indeed, very lucky. Now, Mr Hester, what do your neighbours make of you?
Hester: My neighbours think I'm a greedy bastard. That's because they are envious. They tell people in our local village that I am a tosser. But they have to be nice to my face. You see, each year my family throws the most lavish summer ball in the county. If neighbours Ron and Val don't show due deference whenever they are in my company then they will find themselves very much uninvited. So, Ron and Val... who are the tossers now, eh? Eh?
(Howls of laughter around the chamber)
McFall: (Trying to compose himself) We are witnessing pure genius. No could ever possibly question your salary, however high it be, Mr Hester. You are indeed a man who is not just rich in monetary terms, but also in terms of your character, your spirit and your charming humour. Now, Mr Hester. One final question: What does the taxpayer think of you, do you reckon?
Hester: Taxpayer? Who gives a fuck about them?
Monday, 11 January 2010
News in brief
BBC Director General - Update
The BBC's Mark Thompson has confirmed that senior BBC staff are better than local council officials. In an statement he said: "Do you honestly think that your local council could give you wall-to-wall darts coverage and cheesy, vacuous ballroom dancing competitions?"
A doze by any other name
Banking group Santander has rebranded itself and will from now on go by the name of Santander. A spokesperson announced this morning, "These are exciting times. The one thing that this country needs right now, after the meltdown of 08/09, is a vibrant new banking group. We are happy to announce that Santander is nothing of the sort. It is an assortment of old banks that have been 'reheated' and served up as something new."
The BBC's Mark Thompson has confirmed that senior BBC staff are better than local council officials. In an statement he said: "Do you honestly think that your local council could give you wall-to-wall darts coverage and cheesy, vacuous ballroom dancing competitions?"
A doze by any other name
Banking group Santander has rebranded itself and will from now on go by the name of Santander. A spokesperson announced this morning, "These are exciting times. The one thing that this country needs right now, after the meltdown of 08/09, is a vibrant new banking group. We are happy to announce that Santander is nothing of the sort. It is an assortment of old banks that have been 'reheated' and served up as something new."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
