Buzz from first line of cocaine “all in the mind”

How often have you felt like singing “I can see a rainbow” after your first ‘line of the day? No doubt very often. Well, researchers from the University of Bristol have discovered that the buzz you get from that first toot of the day might not actually be down to the ‘feel-good’ chemical dopamine. It might actually be a reversal of the fatiguing effects of overnight cocaine withdrawal.

In an extensive and exhaustive study conducted over one helluva weekend, 300 cocaine users alternatively abstained then tucked into delicious mountains of lovely white powder. The staggering findings were then published in that gospel of Neuropharmacology, The Daily Mail. They make fascinating reading not least because they could undermine what is thought to be a multi-billion dollar global industry.

Professor Escobar from Bristol’s department of experimental psychology who ran the study said: “It is clearly all in the mind. And a lot of it is currently in my mind, yum yum. One thing I can say for sure is that I love the world and a want to teach everyone, every man woman and child, about this magical, magnificent substance that some call Bolivian marching powder... Though I fear none will ever understand the truly shamanistic odyssey that I have undertaken.

The Daily Mail researcher asked Professor Escobar to get back to the point. Whereupon he said: “The point? Well, what is the point? That is my point, if you catch my drift. Maybe there is no point. What is wrong with this wonder drug being all in the mind anyway, I ask you? There’s a lot of other crap up there in my friggin’ grey matter if you’ll pardon my French. And no, don’t ask whether I am actually French. My mother told me I’m not.”

“All I know is that the sun is shining, the birds are buzzing, or whatever it is they do... and my pharmacology students think I’m the bees fucking knees. You know, like I’m the coolest friggin’ Prof in Bristol, Lord knows, maybe even in the world. Ha! Call that withdrawal? Yeah, right... withdrawal. Cracks me up. Like, hello? Do you see this Professor withdrawing like any time soon. Don’t think so. Call me Ischmael. Coz you’re worth it. Screw withdrawal, I say.”

The Professor was subsequently dragged away from the department of pharmacology by a number of security guards whom he kept referring to as “my disciples”. He was diagnosed as having experienced an acute case of cocaine psychosis. There are now fears that the study will be shelved or worse still, abandoned altogether... At least, that is until the Daily Mail next decides to take it out of mothballs, dust it down and republish it.

Next Week: Professor Hoffman tells readers: “Why I'll be ditching the San Pedro cactus, the opium pipe, the laudanum... and buying myself a dirty great hypodermic needle instead.”