A hidden world, the new spooks

(The Washington Post is currently investigating the top-secret world the government created after 911. This resulted in the hire of thousands of new under-cover operatives. We look at the implications for the Walter Mittys and the Jekylls and Hydes of this world. We ask what The Post's investigation might mean for the schizos, for the double-dealers and the con men... even for those among us who might ordinarily be considered just plain "dysfunctional". Here, a phone-in host called VJ invites calls from members of the public who believe that their other halves might be leading double lives - but who cannot be quite sure. Are they the "new spooks"... or simply weirdos...)

VJ:  So, tonight we're discussing the suspicions the current Washington Post investigation is raising in the minds of ordinary men and women. We want to hear from callers who suspect their other halves might not be who they say they are... And first up we've got Jenny from Yonkers. Hi, Jenny can you hear me?

Jenny:  Loud and clear, VJ. Loud and clear. Can you hear me?

VJ:  I can hear you Jenny. What is it you want to talk about?

Jenny:  It's my boyfriend, Jake, VJ. He's started doing something like weird with his man-bag?

VJ:  With his man-bag?

Jenny:  Yes, VJ. His man-bag. He's started carrying it, like, differently?

VJ:  And in what way is that, Jenny?

Jenny:  He's started slinging over his other shoulder. He always used to sling it over his right shoulder and now he slings it over his left one. Isn't that kind of weird and perverse?

VJ:  I don't know, Jenny. Is it weird and perverse?

Jenny:  Well, it's kind of weird? Don't you think, VJ?

VJ:  I don't know, Jenny... Do you think he might be gay or something? Maybe, I don't know... he's kind of coming out of the closet.

Jenny:  Yeah, well, I always thought of that, VJ. But I kind of wonder whether it might be something more significant than that? You know?

VJ:  What? Than the fact you suddenly discovered your boyfriend is gay?

Jenny:  Yeah... Like, I just wonder whether slinging it over the other shoulder means that he might be a double agent or something?

VJ:  In a sense he is a double agent... if he's been telling you all this time he loves you and then you find he's been leading a double life and he's in fact gay?

Jenny:  He's also started walking different too and dressing different, you know? Like, different trousers and shirts?

VJ:  There you are, he's probably coming out. He'll probably confess everything before long. Know what I mean?

Jenny:  No, I don't know what you mean, VJ. And frankly I take offence at that statement. What right has some two-bit, jumped up little phone-in guy to pronounce on our personal life? I thought this phone-in was about double agents. Who the f--- do you think you are telling me that...?

VJ:  I'm sorry. Gotta end that call there for reasons that are no doubt obvious. We're going to take another caller right now. This one is Sandra from Baltimore. Hi Sandra, are you there?

Sandra:  What exactly do you mean by that, VJ? Of course I'm here. Don't you believe me?

VJ:  Sure I do Sandra. Just wanted to check you were on the line, that's all. So anyway, Sandra. Tell us what you want to talk about?

Sandra:  It's Max.

VJ:  Max?

Sandra:  Yes, our Labrador, Max.

VJ:  Labrador... okay?

Sandra:  Yeah, been acting kind of strange lately.

VJ:  I see, like in what way strange, Sandra?

Sandra:  Well, VJ, seems to happen when Mike, that's my partner, gets home from work. Mike and Max seem to be communicating in a really odd way. Mike's started talking this kind of coochy-coochy language to Max and I wonder whether Max has some kind of implant or something. Just wonder whether the funny language is some kind of code that Mike's talking? And what if the implant is a bug and Mike is communicating with someone else not Max? And like, you see where I'm kind of going with this, VJ?

VJ:  Yeah... I think I see where you're going.

Sandra:  Thank Heavens, VJ. At last someone understands. I've been trying to get people to back me up on this one for months. And Doctor Cobb our doctor say it's nothing to worry about and then I even took Max to a new vet - thought he might understand.

VJ:  Understand what exactly, Sandra?

Sandra:  Understood what was going on.

VJ:  And did he understand, Sandra? Did he find an implant, a bug?

Sandra:  No the freak took my frigging money and told me there was nothing to fucking worry about and...

VJ:  Sorry, but once again, we had to end that call there. Can I remind you ladies and gentlemen: no profanities are allowed on this programme at ANY time and we'll cut off and blacklist any numbers that make such calls... And so next... we have Dimitry from... well Dimitry says he's calling from Tashkent even though the number he's given us is Queens. Hello Dimitry, what is it that you'd like to talk about?

Dimitry: I do not talk. I told I must listen.

VJ:  Okay, Dimitry. This is a phone- in, not a listen-in... if you catch my drift.

Dimitry:  I just listen.

VJ:  Okay Dimitry. But it's not going to make for interesting conversation if you just don't say anything.

Dimitry:  I just listen.

VJ: Okay folks, I think we're going to wrap this particular item up right here. We appear to be encouraging too many fruit-cakes and weirdos... But please join us again after the break where we will be discussing people and their pets. We'll be asking: Is your pet special, gifted... and could your dog or your cat... or even your octopus, just possibly... be psychic? Thank you for staying with us...