Gordon and the Chocolate Factory

Gordon strolled back to Downing Street with a Cadbury chocolate bar in his hand. Cadbury owned the nation's favorite chocolate factory and provided what Gordon always said that British companies should provide: British jobs for British workers.

As he tucked into his delicious chocolate he bumped into an Oompa-Loompa who was looking rather sad. "Why the glum face, my friend?" he asked.

"Mr Brown, you said that you would protect our jobs, but Willy Wonker says that there will definitely be lay-offs. You sold us down the river."

"Not true, said Gordon. "If Britain is to survive in the globalised economy then we will have to make tough decisions. And if that means losing one of our biggest confectionery manufacturers to a US rival in the interests of competition then so be it."

"You make the tough decisions, Mr. Brown, but its us who have to live with them. I thought that you cared about British jobs."

"Oh yes, there's one British job that I definitely care about, my friend, and that's my own. You see, Willy Wonker says that he'll be leaving the factory soon after the takeover, so there will be a position vacant on the board of the new organisation. And if I lose my own job at the next general election - God forbid - then that position could be mine. There you go, that is at least one British job that will be saved."

With that Gordon polished off his chocolate bar and ambled back to Downing Street. As he did so he sang to himself his favorite Cadbury jingle: "Everyone's a fruit and nutcase..." and wondered how he would be remembered in years to come.

Banks to get charitable status

The government has confirmed that banks are to get charitable status by turning themselves into churches. The idea was originally proposed last year when a Bank of England report looked into whether some banks are 'too sacred to fail'.

The report concluded: "Some institutions will need to be ring-fenced so that during a crisis they can continue to operate and offer essential services. If this means applying different policies on tax and pay to these institutions then so be it.

A spokesman for The Church of the Latter Day Sachs commented: "This is what we have been asking for all along. Banks need this kind of ring-fencing. Without religion, you can't pray. But without banks you can't pay. Which is worse? Go figure." The spokesman for the Morgan Tabernacle Church added, "Now it's official. Greed is God."