Wall Street revolution

We have been gauging the initial reaction to Barack Obama's plans to fight Wall Street excesses. Here are some of the opinions of banking professionals and politicians on both sides of the Atlantic:

Troy Ackerman (who works for Golden Sucker Bank): This is the pits. If these guys don't want our toxic waste then we'll take it elsewhere.... somewhere like Switzerland where they respect toxic waste.

Kent J. Mayflower (Morgue Bank): When you've spent as long as I have in banking, you think you've seen everything. But I was not prepared for this. (I don't mean the meltdown, I mean Obama's reaction to it.) I am just about ready to move to Liechtenstein where they appreciate a man like myself who respects the privacy of others and doesn't mind being bored to death.

Sam Yeswecana (Banca Nostra): Who is this Obama clown? He's acting like a regular mobster. That's our territory. I'm moving to Napoli where they respect guys like me.... Hold on just one minute. Actually, I ain't going nowhere.

Fred the Pensioner (Soiled Bank of Scotland): I spent a lifetime working industriously, building a noble provincial firm into a banking behemoth whilst hoping that people would thank me for putting one of their Scottish, nay British, firms onto the world stage. But then along comes this fellow, Fred the Pensh and ruins it all by bringing the noble institution to its knees. And does anyone have an ounce of sympathy for my plight? My life work ruined? The hell they do. Well that's it. I am off to spend my remaining years with my pension. Until of course somebody offers me a directorship - or even a well paid consultancy - in one of the newly regulated banks. Failing that I am going to live and work in Andorra where they respect people like myself.

Republican spokesman: This is a cynical attempt to whip up public opinion. We'll be publishing our even more stringent ideas in a few days time.

Doctor Boris Johnson: When a man is tired of the City of London, he is tired of that reckless banking casino that we call life... Wonder what am I going to do with all my banking stocks? Better dump 'em pretty quick. I am off to Luxembourg where they respect people like myself.

Boy George Osborne: Don't listen to Boris. He's mad. We'll have whatever Obama's having.

Alistair Darling: This is a cynical attempt by the Conservatives to whip up public opinion. We'll wait to see what level of support there is for Obama's proposals and then rustle up something derivative of our own.

Alan Greenspam: Did someone mention derivative?

Nothing to fear from the Shallow Chancellor

I don't understand why the chaps in the city get hot and bothered about young Osborne. I know that he keeps making noises about curbing bonuses and bringing bankers to book. But I seem to remember a young MP called Gordon Brown railing against greed in the city back in the early nineties. And look at him now.

You see, no one really cares for these 'golden geese' - unless they happen to own one. And when they own one, they do not understand how selfish it is to let goosey feed on common land, whilst keeping all the gold themselves.

And so it is with investment banking. The opposition accuses the government of failing to regulate the bankers, and promises that they will not repeat the error. Then once in office, surprise surprise, they conveniently forget the promise and become buddy buddy with the 'big swinging dicks'.

We must not choke off the entrepreneurial spirit of the bankers, they now stress. We must not burden them with red tape, tax their hard earned bonuses into oblivion as did Wilson and Healey in the seventies. Do we want to cause a brain drain? Do we want our most successful operators to flee to that little place where they eat fondue and yodel day and night? No, we, the public, must make them feel welcome and show gratitude for their much needed 'trickle down' (horrible phrase - sounds like they're pissing all over us.)

Of course, what the government is really saying is, "We want some of your lovely lolly... They're saying: FTP Bank? Third quarter profits of three billion? We'll have some of that. They’re saying: Trillions of dollars flowing through London each year? Yes please. Two million pound donation to the Tory / Labour / Liberal party... er, maybe it is unwise to stray into the area of party donations right now. As a prospective Conservative candidate, I don't want to unsettle our generous sponsors.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, once you are in government the rules of the game change. You suddenly have to make ‘tough decisions’. You have to think about revenue, cashflows, growth, employment. What fool could honestly wish to alienate our blessed wealth generators?

No, my chums in Moorgate can sleep tight, I'd say. Old Harrovian Boy George might be labeled an oik by his Etonian front bench colleagues. But when it comes to the city of London, he won't look a gift horse in the mouth. Governments, all governments are humbled by the flows of capital, and always will be. There's no escaping that.

The best way to react to George's grumbles is to hold tight and accept that once the boy's in No.11, reality, pragmatism, will rule. And at this point he will do whatever he can to encourage a new age of exuberance, to stimulate a new period of growth, of prosperity, of speculation, of accumulation, of... anyway, you get the idea.

If an old Presbyterian socialist like Gordon Brown can beat a path to mammon, then how hard can it be for ingenious George?
Posted by guest blogger Burgoyne