Bean counter

The Bank of England's deputy governor Charlie Bean has urged the country to spend like there were no tomorrow to boost the economy. Speaking to Channel 4 News last night, he said he wanted to see people "not saving more but spending more."

His comments have raised eyebrows - it is widely accepted that a policy of unchecked spending was responsible for the financial crisis of 2008. To some this is simply an attempt to re-inflate the bubble that burst so spectacularly back then.

"What I am not advocating is a return to boom and bust. I'm saying that the only way to get us out of this bust is a return to boom - which is entirely different."

"We need to spend, spend, spend. I say: Don't hoard all your money in silly old bank accounts. Go out and fritter it away on items you don't really need, like iFads and expensive watches? Isn't it about time you traded in that old banger and bought a brand new car that'll start depreciating as soon as you get it out of the showroom? And what about houses and DIY? I see that property programmes are making a come back. Well now's the time to buy a new house. Let's face it, you can only lose out if property prices go down. Otherwise you're as safe as houses."

"Marx once said: Men make their own histories, but not always in circumstances of their own choosing. Well, we at the Bank of England have always made our own histories, but we have done so in a dog's dinner of our own choosing. Let's face it, we're the experts and you people should hang on our every word, just as you did during the last boom which served you well until it all went horribly wrong!"

"And I'll tell you something else. After I received my massive bonus this year, I didn't go and bung it in a savings account. No! I went straight out and bought an iFad. Needless to say, I don't know what to do with it, but wherever I go everybody looks at me enviously and thinks I'm wonderful. Now you too can be wonderful. Dust off that moldy old bank account, take out your life savings and blow it all on Rolex watches, BMWs and Internet gambling. And if you have any money left over, follow my lead and buy an iFad. You won't regret it (until tomorrow). Happy days are here again..."

(This statement is endorsed by the makers of iFad - "Bringing thousands of pointless apps into your living room!")