Post... Office

(Customer calls the complaints hotline of a major telecoms company)

Customer: Hello I wish to register a complaint about the speaking clock.

Voice: Please press one for sales, two for billings enquiries, three for negative, cynical rants about the quality of our service.

(Customer sighs then presses three)

Customer: Hello, i’d like to register a complaint. It’s about the speaking clock

Voice: Thank you. Please press one for rants about an existing order, two for rants about one of our many excellent services, three for some other matter that is totally pointless and irrelevant and, by the way, have you ever thought about getting a life?

(Customer shakes his head, thinks for a moment, then presses two)

Customer: Hello, I’d like to register a complaint.

Voice: Please press one to rant about one of our excellent services that nine out of ten customers prefer, or two one of our excellent services that one out of ten does not appreciate but continues to use anyway hypocritical little shits that they are.

(Customer ponders this one, then decides to be smart and to press one – he hopes he might get a more receptive customer services representative)

Customer: Hello, I’d like to register a complaint.

Voice: Now please press one for complaints about the speaking clock or two to go back to the main menu.

(Customer scratches his head. He is totally confused. But he presses one)

Customer: Hello, I’d like to register a complaint. It’s about your speaking clock service.

(A slightly different digital voice comes on the line)

New Voice: Thank you for using this hotline. I am sorry, but due to the unprecedented volume of traffic, you have been timed out. Please call back later. We hope that you have enjoyed using this service and we look forward to helping you in future.

Customer: (Sighs then mutters) Pah! Telecommunications..? It’s all one way traffic these days...