Double Dealer

Prime Minister Gordon Brown will today scrutinize and assess the proposition that is emerging from some quarters that he might in fact be a double dealing little shit who hangs out with members of the Royal family. The allegation comes the day after the only man convicted of the Lockerbie bombing, Abdelbaset al-Megrahi returned to Tripoli and to a hero's welcome. It also comes alongside the somewhat preposterous comment made by Foreign Secretary David Miliband that he "has never heard of this Mr MacRahill, or whatever you call him."

Westminster watchers are becoming increasingly sceptical of the notion that the UK government had nothing to do with the release, even though Mr. Brown proclaimed earlier in the week, "Those damn Scots, don't ya hate 'em? I've tried and tried and tried to persuade that wee Caledonian, Mr Salmond not to release him, but does he listen? Does he fuck." Mr Miliband then added, "Who are we talking about here? Whoever it is we are talking about, let me make this clear: I do not have an opinion."

But some Westminster analysts are claiming that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the government's ambiguity and equivocation on the subject of Megrahi's release: "What happens in these circumstances is that the Prime Minister and Foreign Secretary can console themselves with the fact that the original investigation and subsequent conviction were loaded. The subjects, here Mr Brown and Mr Miliband, at this point will say things such as, 'We all know that the Iranians, and possibly the Syrians and certain Lebanese gentlemen were likely to have been involved in the original outrage.' This helps salve their consciences. Then the practical reality of economic benefit kicks in when a multi-million pound oil deal is dangled in front of the subjects. A deal is then struck, usually involving a shady member of the Royal Family, the son of the Libyan President and, quite naturally, Lord Mandelson.

But then appears the most fascinating symptom of all: After the deal is done, after the inevitable furore, and after the dust has settled the subjects will claim not to have any knowledge of the deal whatsoever, and the Foreign Secretary will claim not to have an opinion or to know a thing. This final stage of the condition is what we in the trade call: Being in denial."