Coming soon: A debate - "The rule of lawyers"

From the role and the legitimacy of the UN through to the power of super-injunctions, we will be considering the hegemony of law. We will be asking:

- Is this the age of the lawyer?

- Do we all now bow down to just one God: The Law?

- And do politicians who think government ultimately boils down to legislation create rods for their own backs?


Is it fair to say: Live by the law, die by the law?

(Shaun, please check there's nothing libelous in the above.)

Yawn-Pad special offer!!

As of today this blog will become the marketing arm of any mobile technology manufacturer that is happy to stump up the cash.

This week the Nectarine Corporation of America received acres of publicity for its new Yawn-Pad from a leading broadsheet newspaper sometimes known, mistakenly in our view, as the Custodian (of the chattering classes).

It is clear that the Custodian got given wads of cash for this publicity. And if it did not, then it is hardly the 'Custodian' (of its own income) that it thinks it is.

If you would like some publicity on this blog, please give generously. Failing that, pay for an ad or two. Or something.

The Iron-on Chancellor

Chancellor Alistair Darling today demonstrated his courage, his independence and his initiative by standing up to no less a man than the President of the United States. He has been holding private talks with British financiers who wish to head off President Obama's tough new curbs on the financial sector.

Chancellor Darling proclaimed before a packed audience of senior bankers: "If anyone is going to boss me around and treat me as their lick-spittle it is going to be the Investment Banking community."

The statement met with rapturous applause and in some cases tears (of laughter), as bankers congratulated one another on their "restrained sodomising of the Chancellor."

Mr Darling, frequently displaying his trademark sycophancy, continued: "You gentlemen have done so much for the British people, for the British taxpayer over recent years. And what is more you have made men like myself feel important, feel needed. It would be no exaggeration to say that I view myself as your humble servant."

He concluded: "And when Labour loses the next election, might I be so bold as to suggest that I do in fact become your humble servant in a rather more literal sense... if I may say so, in a more directly employed sense."

The audience was clearly moved and the Chancellor then proceeded to wander around the hall, pressing flesh and continuing his ass-licking 'offensive' with individual members of the banking community until the early hours of the morning, or until they had grown tired of rogering him senseless.

Sustainable trickle-down

A report by an inequality panel has revealed that the gap between rich and poor has widened under Labour. The report called An Anatomy of Economic Inequality in the UK found that the household wealth of the top 10% of the population is over 100 times higher than the wealth of the poorest 10%.

Responding to the report the Prime Minister said that the findings were surprising in view of his support for the banking system over recent years. "By allowing bankers, among others, to make huge wads of cash this government has created a strong basis for sustainable 'trickle down'. As we all know, 'trickle-down' is the means by which the poor benefit from the increasing wealth of the rich. As the rich get richer the 'trickle-down' becomes more rapid and enriches the poor.

"Now, not only have I made the rich richer since Labour came to power, but in 2008 when it looked as though the rich would get poorer I gave money to the banks to ensure that the rich would stay rich. This meant that bonuses could be paid to the bankers and they could in turn pay taxes back into the public coffers and spend their money on goods and services that benefited the poor."

The Prime Minister continued, "It is indeed surprising that the trickle down has not yet worked, but this is the best evidence yet that this government needs a fourth term, in order to complete its work, and to ensure ultimately that more trickles down to the poor."

Finally the Prime Minister was asked, "Wouldn't it have been easier if you had given all that money directly to the poor?"

He replied, "We are not a charity."

Sinking feeling

(Two men in a boat. One is controlling the outboard motor, the other is pumping water from the hull for all he's worth. They are in a race and trying to get to the finishing line.)

Mr Brown: Keep pumping, Mr Darling. We are still afloat, still above the watermark, I tell you
Mr Darling: I do not know how long I can keep on pumping, Mr Brown.
Mr Brown: So long as you keep on pumping out more water than is coming in through the hull, then we'll reach tha' finishing line safe and sound.
Mr Darling: But Mr Brown, do the rules of the race allow a wrecked craft to win?
Mr Brown: I tell you, Mr Darling. All that the rules state is that we stay afloat and cross the finishing line. And nothing else.
Mr Darling: And when we cross that line, must I then keep on pumping? For if I don't keep pumping, then the craft will surely sink. And how will the judges award the craft the prize?
Mr Brown: I see, ya have a point, Mr Darling. Well, perhaps you could keep pumping until the prize has been given.
Mr Darling: Yes, Mr. Brown?
Mr. Brown: And after that you can let the vessel sink and we'll buy a new one and give it the same name as the vessel that won.
Mr Darling: But that will surely dilute tha' prize money, Mr Brown?
Mr. Brown: Aye, that it will. But it can nay be helped. Let's just win the race and worry about that when tha' time comes.

Bumbling subterfuge

Gormless Gordon has given cabinet ministers the following instructions: They should accidentally-on-purpose reveal that the election will be held on May 6th. He actually wants to call a snap general election before that date to wrong-foot the opposition. Here is how this subterfuge works:

(Three ministers are being interviewed in the Sky TV studios. They are Bumbling Bob Ainsworth, the Defence Secretary, Europe Minister Chris Bryant and Foreign Secretary David Milipede.)

Sky TV: Mr Ainsworth, do you know the date of the general election? Mr Ainsworth...? Mr Ainsworth?
(Shot of Bob Ainsworth asleep and snoring. Long stick appears from the corner and pokes him. He springs to life.)
Bumbling Bob: Yes? Yes?. What? The election? I don't know the exact date of the election except that it will be May 6th... Oh, damn, damn, damn. I weren't supposed to say May 6th. Gordon is going to be proper mad at me for revealing that it were May 6th, cos we were trying to keep it a secret.
Chris Bryant: If I might step in there, Bob... can I just add that nothing that my friend Bumbling Bob has said proves that the election will be held on May 6th. Although in all honesty, I really hope that there won't be a Tory government on May 7th. Oh ruddy hell. I don't believe it. You know what I've gone and done?
Bumbling Bob: What have ya gone and done, Chris?
Chris Bryant: I've only gone and told everyone that the election will effectively be on May 6th, haven't I?
Bumbling Bob: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. We're going to be in a proper pickle now aren't we? All these Sky TV viewers are going to think that the election will be on May 6th. And Gormless Gordon said that he would be right mad if we told anyone.
Chris Bryant: He did that, didn't he Bob? To quote, Gormless Gordy said, "I the undersigned will be proper mad if any of you lot reveal that the date of the election will be May 6th."
Sky TV: Sorry gents, can we move on? Mr Miliband... Have you anything to add to what your colleagues almost accidentally revealed just then or would you like to talk about something else?
David Milipede: Yes. I would like to talk about the election threat, I mean the terror threat... The fact is that these people will stop at nothing: they will try every trick in the book, they will use advanced technology, they will use all the mechanisms of open society that we depend on for their own terrible purposes.
Sky TV : Are you referring to Al Qaeda, Mr Miliband?
Milipede : No, I was talking about New Labour, who I hope will get back in on May 6th.
Bumbling Bob: (nudges Chris Bryant) You know what he's just done, don't you Chris?
Chris Bryant: Oh, you're right Bob. He's only gone and revealed the date of the general election.
Bumbling Bob: Dave, son. You weren't supposed to say that.
Milipede: Oh, my God. You're right. Gormless Gordy is going to be mad now. I can't believe it. I actually revealed the bloody election date.
Bumbling Bob: Oh, well. You never know. The viewers might not have noticed. You might have got away with it.
Chris Bryant: You're right there, Bob. It could have been much much worse.
Bumbling Bob: Yes, Chris. Much worse... We could have revealed that the election was actually going to be in March.

New Gordon

The government has raised the threat level for a General Election to imminent. The Home Office announced “Whilst we do not wish to alarm the public, the new level means that people need to be more aware.” The government was not prepared to reveal specific intelligence, but hinted that increased ‘chatter’ led to the decision.

“Gordon is keen to avoid the mistake that he made in 2007 when he appeared weak and indecisive, and unsure whether to call an election. But this is the 'New Gordon', a leader who determined to scare people into voting him back to Number Ten.”

The spokesman added, “New Gordon, New Warning.”

Wall Street revolution

We have been gauging the initial reaction to Barack Obama's plans to fight Wall Street excesses. Here are some of the opinions of banking professionals and politicians on both sides of the Atlantic:

Troy Ackerman (who works for Golden Sucker Bank): This is the pits. If these guys don't want our toxic waste then we'll take it elsewhere.... somewhere like Switzerland where they respect toxic waste.

Kent J. Mayflower (Morgue Bank): When you've spent as long as I have in banking, you think you've seen everything. But I was not prepared for this. (I don't mean the meltdown, I mean Obama's reaction to it.) I am just about ready to move to Liechtenstein where they appreciate a man like myself who respects the privacy of others and doesn't mind being bored to death.

Sam Yeswecana (Banca Nostra): Who is this Obama clown? He's acting like a regular mobster. That's our territory. I'm moving to Napoli where they respect guys like me.... Hold on just one minute. Actually, I ain't going nowhere.

Fred the Pensioner (Soiled Bank of Scotland): I spent a lifetime working industriously, building a noble provincial firm into a banking behemoth whilst hoping that people would thank me for putting one of their Scottish, nay British, firms onto the world stage. But then along comes this fellow, Fred the Pensh and ruins it all by bringing the noble institution to its knees. And does anyone have an ounce of sympathy for my plight? My life work ruined? The hell they do. Well that's it. I am off to spend my remaining years with my pension. Until of course somebody offers me a directorship - or even a well paid consultancy - in one of the newly regulated banks. Failing that I am going to live and work in Andorra where they respect people like myself.

Republican spokesman: This is a cynical attempt to whip up public opinion. We'll be publishing our even more stringent ideas in a few days time.

Doctor Boris Johnson: When a man is tired of the City of London, he is tired of that reckless banking casino that we call life... Wonder what am I going to do with all my banking stocks? Better dump 'em pretty quick. I am off to Luxembourg where they respect people like myself.

Boy George Osborne: Don't listen to Boris. He's mad. We'll have whatever Obama's having.

Alistair Darling: This is a cynical attempt by the Conservatives to whip up public opinion. We'll wait to see what level of support there is for Obama's proposals and then rustle up something derivative of our own.

Alan Greenspam: Did someone mention derivative?

End to boom and bust

Gordon Brown confirmed today what he has always claimed - that he has put an end to boom and bust. This comes a day after the government announced a surprise 7,000 drop in its main measure of unemployment in the three months to November.

"In 2008, a sixteen year boom, the longest period of growth in economic history, came to an end. And now, with the latest positive figures on unemployment, the bust that followed that boom has also ended. I can therefore safely say that during my stewardship of the economy as Chancellor and my subsequent Premiership at No.10 I have ended first boom and then bust. And if that is not an end to boom and bust, what is?"

Gordon and the Chocolate Factory

Gordon strolled back to Downing Street with a Cadbury chocolate bar in his hand. Cadbury owned the nation's favorite chocolate factory and provided what Gordon always said that British companies should provide: British jobs for British workers.

As he tucked into his delicious chocolate he bumped into an Oompa-Loompa who was looking rather sad. "Why the glum face, my friend?" he asked.

"Mr Brown, you said that you would protect our jobs, but Willy Wonker says that there will definitely be lay-offs. You sold us down the river."

"Not true, said Gordon. "If Britain is to survive in the globalised economy then we will have to make tough decisions. And if that means losing one of our biggest confectionery manufacturers to a US rival in the interests of competition then so be it."

"You make the tough decisions, Mr. Brown, but its us who have to live with them. I thought that you cared about British jobs."

"Oh yes, there's one British job that I definitely care about, my friend, and that's my own. You see, Willy Wonker says that he'll be leaving the factory soon after the takeover, so there will be a position vacant on the board of the new organisation. And if I lose my own job at the next general election - God forbid - then that position could be mine. There you go, that is at least one British job that will be saved."

With that Gordon polished off his chocolate bar and ambled back to Downing Street. As he did so he sang to himself his favorite Cadbury jingle: "Everyone's a fruit and nutcase..." and wondered how he would be remembered in years to come.

Banks to get charitable status

The government has confirmed that banks are to get charitable status by turning themselves into churches. The idea was originally proposed last year when a Bank of England report looked into whether some banks are 'too sacred to fail'.

The report concluded: "Some institutions will need to be ring-fenced so that during a crisis they can continue to operate and offer essential services. If this means applying different policies on tax and pay to these institutions then so be it.

A spokesman for The Church of the Latter Day Sachs commented: "This is what we have been asking for all along. Banks need this kind of ring-fencing. Without religion, you can't pray. But without banks you can't pay. Which is worse? Go figure." The spokesman for the Morgan Tabernacle Church added, "Now it's official. Greed is God."

Three Men on Class (The Sequel)

Fred the Shred: (Dressed in Armani suit) I look down on him (Indicates Gordon Brown) because I am upper-class.

Gordon Brown: (Marks and Spencer suit) I look up to him (Fred the Shred) because he is upper-class; but I look down on him (Taxpayer) because he is lower-class. I am middle-class

Taxpayer: (Dressed in football shirt) I know my place. I look up to them both. But I don't look up to him (Gordon Brown) as much as I look up to him (Fred the Shred), because he has loads of money.

Fred the Shred: I have loads of money, but I cannot legislate. So sometimes I look up (bends knees, looks up) to him (Gordon Brown).

Gordon Brown: I still look up to him (Fred the Shred) because although I can legislate, I am still totally out of my depth. But I am not as out of my depth as him (Taxpayer) so I still look down on him (Taxpayer).

Taxpayer: I know my place. I look up to them both; but while I am poor, I am honest, industrious and trustworthy. Had I the inclination, I could look down on them. But I don't.

Gordon Brown: We all know our place, but what do we get out of it?

Fred the Shred: I get a feeling of superiority over them.

Gordon Brown: I get a feeling of inferiority from him, (Fred the Shred), but a feeling of superiority over him (Taxpayer).

Taxpayer: I get a pain in the back of my neck.

Gordon Brown to have his 'Fuck the Rich' tattoo removed.

Gordon Brown has signalled that he will 'be there' for the middle classes if he wins the next election. In a bold statement this weekend he has announced that he will not only have his class war tattoos removed, but he will also buy a Renault Megane, join the Virgin Active Health Club, and have an Aga installed at No.10 Downing Street.

"There are clear choices to be made," he said. "Do we want a Britain where people lack aspiration and bang on about the playing fields of Eton? Or will we forge a country where we go to the opera, holiday in Tuscany, Verbier, Padstow and, most important of all, encourage our children to watch Nigella, Gok Wan and Strictly Come Dancing?"

"The choice is yours."

Quote of the Century

Money makes the world go round... the bend

Jamie Dimon, the chief executive of JP Morgan, was critical of Obama and his vow to tax cash-rich Wall Street. "Using tax policy to punish people is a bad idea. All businesses tend to pass their costs on to customers," he said.

In the case of investment banking these 'costs' nowadays tend to be called 'bank bailout', or TARP... and they are actually passed on to tax payers as well as to customers. For the record, the costs are passed on when, for example, investment banks have brought the Western economies to the brink of financial meltdown.

Therefore, Jamie "buddy can you spare a" Dimon has a point... in a sense.

Just, not the sense in which he meant it.

Waterstoned

The boss of Waterstone's, Gerry Johnson, relinquished his post this week after the company reported disappointing sales of celebrity memoirs. Johnson championed fresh literary talent such as Jordan, so it seems appropriate to let her comment on his departure.

"I have always loved books, ever since Dad left a copy of Swann's Way by Marcel Proust in the outside toilet. It wasn't in the original French I have to admit - I ain't that clever! - but I decided to pick it up and flick through it because I thought it might help me 'squeeze one out'. From the first paragraph I was gripped by the writer's ceaseless attention to detail. And what's more, I also drink herbal tea for my diet regime, so I know where the writer's coming from! Anyway, after me and Marcel got together, I realised I was meant for a life of writing.

"My route into writing was a bit unconventional though, I can tell you. My mate Dave, who was so clever that he even got into sixth form, told me he knew a thing or two about books. When I asked him how I could be a writer, he said. "There's one way that's tried and tested, darling. Get your kit off and flash your fun-bags." I thought it was a bit odd, but decided to give it a go, since Dave was so clever. (He knows over one hundred different words for breasts!) And guess what. After three boob jobs and a hundred photo-shoots, here I am. A writer in every sense of the word!

"It's really sad that Mr Waterstones has departed as he sort of gave me my lucky break. He decided he wasn't going to be snobby and thought that self made girls and boys could also go on his shelves. And I can tell you, it's really exciting to walk into a bookshop nowadays and see your name up in lights beside literary giants like Philip Roth, John Updike and Ant & Dec. And it also makes me really happy that I live in a really egalitarian society (egalitarian - see, I'm not just a pretty face) where you are judged by things other than just the number of Universities you've been to and how many books you read.

Anyway I just wanted to say my fond farewells to you, Mister Bookworm. Most of what you sell might be rubbish. (Some of these writers are so desperate to get published they even write all their own books, can you believe it?) But at least you had a big heart for a lovely girl with fine pair of chumbawumbas. And we feminists owe it to you for giving us a lucky break and letting us into your egghead world of Jeremy Clarkson and for letting us show the world that we career girls aren't just about big knockers and orange suntans and Hello magazine photo-shoots. No, the truth is that we can also teach the world a thing or two about herbal tea and girls and boys who are in love and, last but not least, about "Temps Perdu"... or should I say "Time is Money"!?!

10 million pound RBS Boss: Even my parents think I'm a greedy fuck.

RBS boss Stephen Hester gave evidence to the Treasury select committee yesterday. This is the transcript of that evidence.

John McFall, MP: What do your parents think of you, Mr Hester?

Hester: They think that I'm a greedy bastard.

(Roars of laughter in the committee room)

McFall: (Wiping tears from his eyes) Very good, Mr Hester. If I may say, that is an excellent joke. And one that I would expect from someone of your great standing. Now moving on, what does your wife think of you?

Hester: She thinks that I am a greedy bastard, but she likes the new kitchen.

(Derision throughout the chamber. Sound of MPs and journalists falling off their chairs)

McFall: You're in the wrong job, Mr Hester. You're a regular comedian, are you not? If I was head of light entertainment at the BBC I would pay you at least twenty million.

Hester: Indeed you would Mr McFall. Indeed you would.

(More laughter and derision.)

McFall: (Fighting to hold back the tears) Too much, too much, Mr Hester... Now, Mr H. What do your children think of you? And please, please take your time. I haven't wiped away all the tears that your last joke caused yet.

Hester: What do my children think? Well, Tom loved the Porsche. Tallulah adored the new pony and paddock, whilst Ed thinks I'm God after I bought him the recording studio.

(The chamber descends into chaos)

McFall: I have never come across such flair, such elegant wit. I am lucky to be here at this moment in time. Indeed, very lucky. Now, Mr Hester, what do your neighbours make of you?

Hester: My neighbours think I'm a greedy bastard. That's because they are envious. They tell people in our local village that I am a tosser. But they have to be nice to my face. You see, each year my family throws the most lavish summer ball in the county. If neighbours Ron and Val don't show due deference whenever they are in my company then they will find themselves very much uninvited. So, Ron and Val... who are the tossers now, eh? Eh?

(Howls of laughter around the chamber)

McFall: (Trying to compose himself) We are witnessing pure genius. No could ever possibly question your salary, however high it be, Mr Hester. You are indeed a man who is not just rich in monetary terms, but also in terms of your character, your spirit and your charming humour. Now, Mr Hester. One final question: What does the taxpayer think of you, do you reckon?

Hester: Taxpayer? Who gives a fuck about them?

News in brief

BBC Director General - Update

The BBC's Mark Thompson has confirmed that senior BBC staff are better than local council officials. In an statement he said: "Do you honestly think that your local council could give you wall-to-wall darts coverage and cheesy, vacuous ballroom dancing competitions?"


A doze by any other name

Banking group Santander has rebranded itself and will from now on go by the name of Santander. A spokesperson announced this morning, "These are exciting times. The one thing that this country needs right now, after the meltdown of 08/09, is a vibrant new banking group. We are happy to announce that Santander is nothing of the sort. It is an assortment of old banks that have been 'reheated' and served up as something new."

Politically correct fashion designer found dead in snow

The body of a famous fashion designer has been discovered at the bottom of a snow drift. The designer who was a supporter of the charity 'Coat Owners Kill and Exploit' (COKE) was found under five feet of snow. All she was wearing was a tee shirt bearing the legend, "I would rather die than wear a coat". She had frozen to death.

Saturday news in brief

Think positive

The Chancellor Alistair Darling has been extolling the power of positive thinking. He claimed that even though the UK is facing "the toughest cuts for twenty years", investment banks are preparing to pay out 40 BN in bonuses this year. "The last time we saw bonuses like that," he went on, "the economy was fine and dandy." He left the news conference singing, "Happy days are here again..."

Power of positive bullshit

BBC director general Mark Thompson has been urging people to think positive about the absurdly high salaries paid to senior BBC staff and geniuses such as Jonathan Ross. He said in an interview with Ariel magazine, "We are not a county council. We need the best. If Jonathan Ross or I were in charge of your council, road gritting is the last thing you'd be worrying about right now."

Climate Change: Towards a new interpretation

"We are not content with negative obedience, nor even with the most abject submission. When finally you surrender to us, it must be of your own free will. We do not destroy the heretic because he resists us; so long as he resists us we never destroy him. We convert him, we capture his inner mind, we reshape him. We burn all evil and all illusion out of him; we bring him over to our side, not in appearance, but genuinely, heart and soul. We make him one of ourselves before we kill him. It is intolerable to us that an erroneous thought should exist anywhere in the world, however secret and powerless it may be. Even in the instance of death we cannot permit any deviation . . . we make the brain perfect before we blow it out."

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Freezing is warming.

Friday news in brief

'Conservative' strategy chief

David Cameron has admitted that his strategy director Steve Hilton made a grave error of judgement when he shouted "wanker" at train staff. Mr Cameron yesterday made it clear that Steve Hilton should have shouted the abuse at either Gordon Brown for his hopeless transport policy or at former Prime Minister John Major for his ill-judged privatisation of British Rail.

Clarke Cunt

Gordon Brown has denied cursing former Cabinet Minister and 'Super-man', Charles Clarke. Discussing the recent coup attempt by Patricia Hewitt and Geoff Hoon, he said, "it is great having someone like Charles whom my cabinet colleagues can use to stitch up potential Labour rebels like Patsy and Geoff. Why would I call Charles a cunt when he is such a dependable tool?"

A Ross of faith

Hi, my name is Alan, and I ask you to lend me your ears. For I am a serious man. I am a man of gravitas and a veteran of broadcasting. People here at the Beeb know me as, well, let's just say, they know me as Alan. And of course, people here, they call me Alan. Indeed they do. And that is the name that I go by on a day to day basis. But you, the public, the licence-fee paying public, you can call me That guy whose contribution to broadcasting nobody really appreciates. And that is me. Alan... that guy. Now, leaving that aside, I have come here today to talk to you about a very, very serious issue indeed.

This, I will tell you now, is a very sad day for the BBC. A giant of broadcasting, a beacon of light entertainment, a veritable talk show genius has walked out through the hallowed doors of the Television Centre for the last time, never, never ever to return. He has climbed onto his camel and headed off into the wild blue yonder, or the yellow-brown desert perhaps. He will not turn his head to look back - no, not once. For he no longer cares. What is this man's name? His name is Jonathan.

That this Jonathan has tired of interviewing people on his vibrant, his magical talk show is indeed sad. But that it comes after a long campaign of hatred and vituperation waged by members of the public, by whingeing licence-fee payers and by members of the publishing - and I stress publishing - media is, for an old broadcasting trooper like myself frankly gutwrenching. Indeed, it is beyond reason. It is, in the words of Lord Reith, fucking crazy.

This Jonathan once made an error, a very minor error. This Jonathan, this humble genius, had the temerity to tell an old man that his best mate, someone cunningly, someone cleverly called Russell, had, as it were, fucked the old fellow's grand-daughter.

Now this grand-daughter was someone of, I might say, very little distinction, of dubious character - unlike myself, Jonathan and Russell. Yet the whingeing licence fee payer took exception to this so-called slur on that very grand-daughter's integrity and demanded that Russell and Jonathan be sacked. Now Russell went and Jonathan stayed, he limped on for a few months more.

But now, now he, Jonathan, has gone.

And I ask: Is this what Britain's long and noble history of championing free speech has lead to? Is this why the late, great Tom Paine was imprisoned? Is it? Just so that in the Twenty First Century - THE TWENTY FIRST CENTURY, NO LESS - a free and noble thinker called Jonathan Ross could be hounded out of the greatest television centre in the world?

I think not! I truly think not. And yet, here we are. Ross has gone. And he is not coming back.

So let me just finish by saying this: I hope, I really hope that the critics are happy now. But I hope much much more that they one day repent and realise that, just as it was for Socrates, just as it was for Galileo, and JUST as it was for the late, great Jade Goody, a giant, a blooming (literally) genius has this day departed, has this day been brought down by a stinking and rancid bunch of PIGMIES that you and I and fair Jonathan know as the 'licence fee payer'.

So, Sic transit Gloria Mundi. And I indeed am truly sick - SICK - about the passing of the glorious, adore-i-ous Mr Jonathan Ross.

And you Lord Reith, you the great guiding light, you are, I can safely say, right now, turning in your somewhat unfashionable, yet, I'm sure, sympathetic grave.

Mandelson accuses Hewitt and Hoon of chutzpah

In an unprepared statement today the First Secretary said, "The chutzpah of these fucking guys is staggering and..."

The remainder of this post has been deleted by the moderator

Full-brain scanners?

Is it not time to introduce full-brain scanners into Parliament in order to establish the integrity of prospective Members?

The scanners would root out any MPs, including Lords, who are chiselling, greedy, mendacious little crooks and who intend to fiddle their expenses or sell their services to the highest bidder.

Needless to say, there is one problem: stiff opposition from the Prime Minister. He is afraid that, if tested on him, the scanners might also show that he is a total fruitcake, who plans to turn the country into a banana republic and keep the entire population under 24 hour surveillance.

A Parliamentary ombudsman today announced that this should not pose a problem: The general public already know this to be the case anyway.

Why taxing the rich is so hard

Et in Arcadia Ego

The King, he asked, "Why tax the rich? It raises little money?"
The taylor said, "My complex weave, it turns my profits runny."
Accountants talked of dividends that left the taxman baffled.
Then Monte laughed and laughed and laughed; the taxes were all snaffled.

Chorus

Et in Arcadia Ego
Et in Arcadia Ego...

(Repeat a billion times)

Justice Secretary denies problem with full-body scanners

Jack Straw has denied that full-body scanners are a waste of time because they don't detect low-density materials. Security experts have suggested that the scanners will not detect materials such as straw or paper.

The Justice Secretary said, "This does not matter as the full-body scanners will not be used on men of straw such as myself or paper tigers such as The Prime Minister."

He added, "Anyway the introduction of the scanners is just one of Gordon's marketing gimmicks aimed to make him look tough, like a real tiger.... Grrrrr!"

Monday News in Brief

Government denies Yemen policy is reactive

The government has denied plans to send a task force to the Yemen are reactive. "It was always our intention to intervene in the Yemen even before the failed Christmas Day bombing."

Government denies Yemen policy is just PR spin

The government has denied plans to send a task force to the Yemen are PR spin. "We had no intention of intervening in the Yemen before the failed Christmas Day bombing."

News in Brief - From the other papers

David Cameron denies regime change

The Conservative leader David Cameron has been forced to deny that the real reason for wanting to oust Gordon Brown is 'regime change'.

The opposition leader is frequently accused of not putting enough 'clear blue water' between his party and Labour. And now people are asking whether Mr. Cameron is being honest with the voters.

However, the opposition leader stated, "Whilst The PM is an authoritarian buffoon who has bled this country dry and turned it into a police state, it would be wrong to depose him for these reasons and these reasons alone."

When pressed on his real motives, he said, "It's the power, stupid."


Dolphins as smart as humans claim - cf. Sunday Times

The Dolphin Parliament has decided that it is about time humans realised how intelligent dolphins are. It has decided to 'reach out' and invite a delegation of high profile humans, including politicians and celebrities to its state of the art metropolis. The dolphins will demonstrate how they too drive sophisticated motor cars, can build sky scrapers, adore reality television, stab one another, and can even split the atom. One of the celebrities in the human delegation has apparently asked, "What's an atom?"

Pop star to drop regional accent

A pop star with a regional accent has agreed to take elocution lessons in order to win a multimillion dollar cosmetics contract. The star commented, "Why elocution lessons? Bicizz yer wiiirrrth ett."

Correction: There is in reality a second prediction for 2010

- More poor people to bang on about climate change

The governments of the leading nations have finally come to their senses and accepted what a lot of people have been suggesting for a long time - More poor people need to be seen talking about climate change.

What is the point of a load of rich, privileged celebrities, Presidents, journalists, Prime Ministers and pop stars preaching to the poor about making sacrifices, when the only sacrifices that they themselves intend to make will be taking twenty international flights a year rather than the usual thirty?

No. It is time to act. Adverts showing poor Brits suffering from the effects of global warming are needed now if we are to get the message across. And coming to a screen near you very soon will be scenes of working class Christmases set in deprived council estates, or even deprived suburbs, where the X-Boxes don't work because there is no power, where people cannot watch endless dance competitions because the dance-halls are flooded, and where the only entertainment is witnessing a local stabbing whilst high on crack and cheap Vodka.

Watch this space.

You won't.