Euro if you want to

Poetry corner...

Euro, Euro, Euro your boat
Gently down the stream
If you see a crocodile
Don't forget to reach some kind of negotiated settlement

Dinosaur extinction linked to global b/s

Did a 10KM wide asteroid really end it for dinosaurs? Or could they actually have been wiped out by something closer to home?

This is a claim made by research scientists at UCBS who are suggesting greenhouse gases emanating from unfeasibly large faeces could have made life on Earth unsustainable.

The research focuses upon the enormous amount of methane released into the atmosphere each time Diplodocus or awesome T-Rex parked their breakfast.

What we do know is this:

- In a single year the average Guernsey cow releases 80 to 120 KG of methane into the atmosphere.

- A lone Diplodocus could have released 4.5 times that amount in a single week - and that's in a good week.

Earlier this year scientists at the University of Utrecht indicated a possible volcanic killer: a burst of methane gas triggered by volcanic greenhouse gases.

But could the real killer have been poor potty training?

(More on this BS from UCBS as it breaks...)

The Global University

Coursework: The Long Term Benefits of Globalisation - Part 3a, Section 2.
Our very own Professor Gspot offers the following criteria for global economic harmony:

"Once the multiple and diverse economies of the global community have become fully and soundly integrated, the leaders of those individual economies will naturally find themselves not only committed to the spread of global enterprise and endeavour and the pursuit of wider wealth generation, but also the furtherance of a unified taxation strategy that ensures that the bailout junkies and the bounty hunting bankers - who dream of running off to Asia or Switzerland once the going gets tough - find they no longer have anywhere to hide. Unless, of course the terms of globalisation, as defined by Western leaders over the past decade, did not, or had not, taken this very taxation issue - along with all of the entrepreneurial running and the hiding - into account. In which case, what we globalisationists would find ourselves concluding is as follows: Your money is our money. And our money is our money."

How To Spend It - A "Political Capital" special.

Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou has scrapped his referendum on the European bailout. We decided to run our own poll - in conjunction with Political Capital's How Not To Spend It magazine - to uncover what's really at stake for the Greek peeps. To a thoroughly unrepresentative sample of putative Greek citizens we put the following question:-

When you dwell upon your illustrious past what kind of Greeks do you find yourself identifying with?

a) The 300 Spartans at Thermopylae?

b) The treacherous Greeks who'd sooner side with the rich, obscenely generous and fashionable King Xerxes of Persia?

c) The 300 Spartans at, er... Brussels?

The results are not yet in. They might never be. In.

But watch this space.

Et tu, Berlusconi.

Whips, by Harold Panter

According to the Guardian Newspaper, a sketch written by a 29-year-old Harold Panter and lost for more than half a century, has surfaced as a result of diligent detective work.
The sketch, set on the sunbathed terrace of a hotel and called Whips, is Panteresque. And the designated pauses are something of a give-away, or so we're told...


Two gentlemen politicians in deckchairs sit on the terrace of a large hotel. Wearing shorts and sunglasses. Sunbathing. They do not move throughout the exchange

A: The heat is too intense for me today.

PAUSE

B: The heat?

A: The heat. In the house.

PAUSE

B: Well, you're damn lucky you've got your whip.

A: My whip, old boy?

PAUSE

B: The whip. You're damn lucky you've got the whip

A: Yes. Means the world to me. I never find myself at a loss. You understand what I mean?

B: You're a shrewd fellow, I'll say that for you.

PAUSE

A: My house is full of whips.

B: You can't have too many.

A: You've never said a truer word, old boy.

PAUSE

B: I haven't got one to bless myself with.

PAUSE

A: Well, I can foresee  a time you'll regret it.

B: I think the time's come, old boy.

A: You can't be too careful, old boy.

PAUSE

B: Well, you've got your feet firmly planted on the earth, there's no doubt about that.

PAUSE

A: I certainly feel secure, old boy.

B: Yes, you know where you stand, all right. You can't take that away from you.

PAUSE

A: You'll find they're a true friend to you, whips.

PAUSE

B: Maybe I'll buy one.

PAUSE

A: Don't come to me. It would be like tearing my heart out, to part with any of mine.

PAUSE

B: You find them handy, eh?

PAUSE

A: Yes ... Oh, yes. When the heat's intense, particularly.

PAUSE

B: D'you reckon the other side ever feel the same way about whips? About their whips?

PAUSE

A: I dare say they do, old boy. Regularly.

PAUSE

B: I bet some of them would love to use their whips on us. Occasionally.

PAUSE

A: I bet they would.

B: And, of course, some of us would love to use our whips on them.

PAUSE

A: Some of us would love them to use their whips on us. Occasionally. If you catch my drift.

B: I think I do. Catch your drift.

PAUSE

A: But. Perhaps there's a third way.

PAUSE

B: A third way? Or a third whip?

PAUSE

A: Correct, old boy. A third whip.

PAUSE

B: That's where I thought this was leading.

PAUSE

A: Really?

B: Yes. Leading to a third whip.

PAUSE

A: Really?

B: Yes.

PAUSE

A: You must remember one thing, old boy.

B: What's that?

PAUSE

A: What we're talking about is very different to a "three line whip". Would you agree?

PAUSE

B: Indeed I would.

Blackout

© The estate of Harold Panter 2011

Clause Four Moment?

Unions? Union?

Cameron faces down Euro-sceptic Conservative rebels. Is this his plus fours moment?

If...

Unemployment is on the rise. Jobs is dead.

The genius Steve Jobs revolutionalised gadget-dependency and showed low-paid workers in China how to control their destinies by leaping out of windows. (Not "Windows")

The purveyor of this website thinks satire might also be dead - news content is farcical these days.

From now on you'll find only poetry.

Here's one sent in by a certain Mr Kipling, who, I'm advised, is a purveyor of exceedingly good cakes:-

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

International Relations Examination: Paper 3a - Rogue States

This is a multiple choice question. Examinees should choose just one answer

What policy should Western governments adopt when dealing with rogue states? Should they -

A) Do nothing?

B) Apply sanctions?

C) Enforce regime change?

D) Support rebels seeking regime change?

E) Embrace leaders of rogue states furthering economic / diplomatic ties facilitating rendition / torture of rebels seeking regime change?

Reminder: Please choose just one answer

Catch 22-3

As politicians, journalists and (two-handed) economists furiously debate the merits of yet another round of quantitative easing (QE-3), one question is: Will the currency devaluation it generates make the economy more competitive globally? And what happens to that competitiveness if or when other countries follow suit?

The dilemma facing decision makers right now is like something out of Catch-22 (the scene where Yossarian explains his outlook on life to Danby).

"From now on I'm thinking only of me."

"But, suppose everyone felt that way."

"Then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?"

(We don't need no) regulation

A banker argues the case against further regulation:

"Don't you guys get it? Even if you're right and complaints against banks have hit a high, and even if we are giving Triple A ratings to sub-prime mortgage investments once again, and even if we do find ourselves being investigated for Libor manipulation, and even if we are the only guys creaming it while everyone else is trying to make ends meet... regulation just isn't the answer. Regulation simply hurts the economy. Which none of us wants. Right?

So go easy on yourself. And us."

MOST WATCHED!

Here are the five most viewed items of the past six months:-

- EXCLUSIVE OFFER! ESPRESSO for men!

The makers of Pro-Espresso EcoVitalian TM have developed a revolutionary new product designed to target male-related signs of ageing.

PRO-Luxe Caffeine Refining Potion Pour Homme is a unique serum formulated at our laboratories in Copenhagen and is derived from 100% (depleted) extract of Venezuelan Arabica coffee bean-dust - considered by many to possess invaluable age-ravaging properties. (Continued…)

- Too big to fail

The world's leading banks held billions of dollars on behalf of Colonel Gaddafi's regime, it was revealed this week. Here the Colonel gives us his "take".

"I like to thank these banks that were keeping my money safe during financial crisis that was happening in 2008. These, they were difficult times for everybody, not least, for great leaders of great nation like myself, who have invest so much money in your highly respectable banking institutions. (Continued…)

- The Riots - An ex-Mayor gives his take

"It's obvious to anyone (such as myself) who knows a thing or two about the citizens of the capital city as well as of this country, and especially the young citizens moreover, that this outbreak of violence we're seeing around the country is due to the vicious cuts perpetrated by this coalition government. Just because these cuts haven't actually had any impact yet is neither here nor there. It's the prospect of these cuts having an impact that is worrying young people and getting them onto the streets to protest, burn down buildings and steal plasma televisions and Adidas running shoes. (Continued…)

- Crisis? What crisis?

Okay folks, let's not get too worked up about the financial meltdown facing the economies of Europe and America right now. At least the banking sector is raking it in again - so much so that we bankers have been able to pay ourselves 14 Billion in bonuses over the past year. (Continued…)

- A word from our (esteemed) sponsor, Rene Silverstone

"I would like to make it clear that our decision to hold the Tripoli Grand Prix is in no way influenced by financial considerations in any way, shape or form. I myself and my fellow executives have given all of the relevant factors due consideration and have decided that the best way of reaching out to the Libyan people in their time of need is quite evidently to give them a Grand Prix they will remember. (Continued…)

Superb investment opportunity!

Standard and Poors stripped the US economy of its top sovereign rating earlier this month. But it has just given a triple A rating to a new issue of bonds tied to the sub-prime mortgage market - the kind of financial instrument that screwed the US economy in the first place.

So who exactly does rate the ratings agencies?