Whips, by Harold Panter

According to the Guardian Newspaper, a sketch written by a 29-year-old Harold Panter and lost for more than half a century, has surfaced as a result of diligent detective work.
The sketch, set on the sunbathed terrace of a hotel and called Whips, is Panteresque. And the designated pauses are something of a give-away, or so we're told...


Two gentlemen politicians in deckchairs sit on the terrace of a large hotel. Wearing shorts and sunglasses. Sunbathing. They do not move throughout the exchange

A: The heat is too intense for me today.

PAUSE

B: The heat?

A: The heat. In the house.

PAUSE

B: Well, you're damn lucky you've got your whip.

A: My whip, old boy?

PAUSE

B: The whip. You're damn lucky you've got the whip

A: Yes. Means the world to me. I never find myself at a loss. You understand what I mean?

B: You're a shrewd fellow, I'll say that for you.

PAUSE

A: My house is full of whips.

B: You can't have too many.

A: You've never said a truer word, old boy.

PAUSE

B: I haven't got one to bless myself with.

PAUSE

A: Well, I can foresee  a time you'll regret it.

B: I think the time's come, old boy.

A: You can't be too careful, old boy.

PAUSE

B: Well, you've got your feet firmly planted on the earth, there's no doubt about that.

PAUSE

A: I certainly feel secure, old boy.

B: Yes, you know where you stand, all right. You can't take that away from you.

PAUSE

A: You'll find they're a true friend to you, whips.

PAUSE

B: Maybe I'll buy one.

PAUSE

A: Don't come to me. It would be like tearing my heart out, to part with any of mine.

PAUSE

B: You find them handy, eh?

PAUSE

A: Yes ... Oh, yes. When the heat's intense, particularly.

PAUSE

B: D'you reckon the other side ever feel the same way about whips? About their whips?

PAUSE

A: I dare say they do, old boy. Regularly.

PAUSE

B: I bet some of them would love to use their whips on us. Occasionally.

PAUSE

A: I bet they would.

B: And, of course, some of us would love to use our whips on them.

PAUSE

A: Some of us would love them to use their whips on us. Occasionally. If you catch my drift.

B: I think I do. Catch your drift.

PAUSE

A: But. Perhaps there's a third way.

PAUSE

B: A third way? Or a third whip?

PAUSE

A: Correct, old boy. A third whip.

PAUSE

B: That's where I thought this was leading.

PAUSE

A: Really?

B: Yes. Leading to a third whip.

PAUSE

A: Really?

B: Yes.

PAUSE

A: You must remember one thing, old boy.

B: What's that?

PAUSE

A: What we're talking about is very different to a "three line whip". Would you agree?

PAUSE

B: Indeed I would.

Blackout

© The estate of Harold Panter 2011

Clause Four Moment?

Unions? Union?

Cameron faces down Euro-sceptic Conservative rebels. Is this his plus fours moment?

If...

Unemployment is on the rise. Jobs is dead.

The genius Steve Jobs revolutionalised gadget-dependency and showed low-paid workers in China how to control their destinies by leaping out of windows. (Not "Windows")

The purveyor of this website thinks satire might also be dead - news content is farcical these days.

From now on you'll find only poetry.

Here's one sent in by a certain Mr Kipling, who, I'm advised, is a purveyor of exceedingly good cakes:-

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

International Relations Examination: Paper 3a - Rogue States

This is a multiple choice question. Examinees should choose just one answer

What policy should Western governments adopt when dealing with rogue states? Should they -

A) Do nothing?

B) Apply sanctions?

C) Enforce regime change?

D) Support rebels seeking regime change?

E) Embrace leaders of rogue states furthering economic / diplomatic ties facilitating rendition / torture of rebels seeking regime change?

Reminder: Please choose just one answer

Catch 22-3

As politicians, journalists and (two-handed) economists furiously debate the merits of yet another round of quantitative easing (QE-3), one question is: Will the currency devaluation it generates make the economy more competitive globally? And what happens to that competitiveness if or when other countries follow suit?

The dilemma facing decision makers right now is like something out of Catch-22 (the scene where Yossarian explains his outlook on life to Danby).

"From now on I'm thinking only of me."

"But, suppose everyone felt that way."

"Then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?"

(We don't need no) regulation

A banker argues the case against further regulation:

"Don't you guys get it? Even if you're right and complaints against banks have hit a high, and even if we are giving Triple A ratings to sub-prime mortgage investments once again, and even if we do find ourselves being investigated for Libor manipulation, and even if we are the only guys creaming it while everyone else is trying to make ends meet... regulation just isn't the answer. Regulation simply hurts the economy. Which none of us wants. Right?

So go easy on yourself. And us."

MOST WATCHED!

Here are the five most viewed items of the past six months:-

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PRO-Luxe Caffeine Refining Potion Pour Homme is a unique serum formulated at our laboratories in Copenhagen and is derived from 100% (depleted) extract of Venezuelan Arabica coffee bean-dust - considered by many to possess invaluable age-ravaging properties. (Continued…)

- Too big to fail

The world's leading banks held billions of dollars on behalf of Colonel Gaddafi's regime, it was revealed this week. Here the Colonel gives us his "take".

"I like to thank these banks that were keeping my money safe during financial crisis that was happening in 2008. These, they were difficult times for everybody, not least, for great leaders of great nation like myself, who have invest so much money in your highly respectable banking institutions. (Continued…)

- The Riots - An ex-Mayor gives his take

"It's obvious to anyone (such as myself) who knows a thing or two about the citizens of the capital city as well as of this country, and especially the young citizens moreover, that this outbreak of violence we're seeing around the country is due to the vicious cuts perpetrated by this coalition government. Just because these cuts haven't actually had any impact yet is neither here nor there. It's the prospect of these cuts having an impact that is worrying young people and getting them onto the streets to protest, burn down buildings and steal plasma televisions and Adidas running shoes. (Continued…)

- Crisis? What crisis?

Okay folks, let's not get too worked up about the financial meltdown facing the economies of Europe and America right now. At least the banking sector is raking it in again - so much so that we bankers have been able to pay ourselves 14 Billion in bonuses over the past year. (Continued…)

- A word from our (esteemed) sponsor, Rene Silverstone

"I would like to make it clear that our decision to hold the Tripoli Grand Prix is in no way influenced by financial considerations in any way, shape or form. I myself and my fellow executives have given all of the relevant factors due consideration and have decided that the best way of reaching out to the Libyan people in their time of need is quite evidently to give them a Grand Prix they will remember. (Continued…)

Superb investment opportunity!

Standard and Poors stripped the US economy of its top sovereign rating earlier this month. But it has just given a triple A rating to a new issue of bonds tied to the sub-prime mortgage market - the kind of financial instrument that screwed the US economy in the first place.

So who exactly does rate the ratings agencies?

Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

Peter Oborne? Charles Moore? These days it’s the right (not the left) we find meditating upon the excesses of capitalism. Maybe we never had a free market in the first place (under left... under right...)

Here’s a perspective (re-hashed from the archives).

Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

“Brother Bankers! Faced with the unrelenting tide of criticism and abuse emanating from the capitalist media on a daily basis, I call upon you today to be resolute. I urge you not to waver, not to cower, but to stand firm and show solidarity with your brother bankers worldwide. For we have a strength that far outweighs that of our enemies. And that is the strength of numbers.

“Now when I say numbers, I do not mean how many of us there might be. For we are, of course, an oligarchy and we number relatively few in the grand scheme of things. Nor by numbers am I referring to the size of the bonuses we receive. Though these do indeed comprise many, many numbers - telephone book sized numbers by the sarcastic reckonings of some wags in the media.

“No, I’m talking about the ability of us brothers to use numbers to our own advantage - to shape a new reality out of numbers, to forge a new numerical Jerusalem if you like. For we have shown that we can create “value-added” out of numbers. We have shown through our efforts we can create a bold and booming housing sector by making the value of those houses rise significantly year on year. We did this through the clever invention of those credit derivatives that we traded to our hearts’ content some years back. We've also shown we can take the money that government printing presses have been churning out since 2009 and we can use that money to sell back to the government the debt we'd purchased previously. By this means we were able to charge commission not once but twice and made a handsome profit. And though no real value was created, we nevertheless managed to create our very own kind of “value-added” that we call "massive bonuses". And with those massive bonuses we paid our taxes, or not as the case may be. And remember, those taxes are what really matter to ordinary folk and to governments alike - assuming we actually pay them!

“So fear not brothers. For we can make two plus two equal five, two billion plus two billion equal five billion. And, let me tell you, those numbers, however they appear, will always win over the trust and the faith of people. For we understand the very numbers that make up those numbers... whilst the people, whose money we control, do not!

“And if indeed these naysayers in the capitalist media carry on with their gripes and their attacks upon our very person or persons, then we’ll take our numbers and head off to the lands of the orient to build an even greater numerical Jerusalem, and an even greater oligarchic collective to boot.

“For over there in the orient they behold with even more wonderment the power and the value of numbers. Over there they understand the importance of brothers like us who control the money supply using the armoury of those said numbers that I've described. Okay, so they might not tolerate the coke-sniffing activities in which some of our number occasionally partakes and they might imprison folk for such activities. But that is a small price to pay, Brothers. For control of the money supply is the greatest drug of all!

“Was it not Brother Nathan Rothschild himself who once said two centuries ago: "I care not what puppet is placed upon the throne of England to rule the Empire on which the sun never sets. The man who controls Britain's money supply controls the British Empire, and I control the British money supply."

“Never a truer word was said brothers. And these days we have a far wider reach than the British Empire, or, at least, those countries that once made up said Empire. These days, thanks to the benefits of globalisation, we can extend our reach to all the Empires of this planet!

“So brothers, stand firm! Be true to yourselves (even if not to anybody else)! Be resolute! Show solidarity! And, brothers, last but not least, get you down to your local Porsche dealership and buy yourself a nice little run-around before the prices go up!”

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So, MEN! BUY PRO-Luxe Caffeine Refining Potion Pour Homme NOW and you too can look like you were born yesterday!

The Generation (Blame) Game

“Nice to fleece you, to fleece you nice.  This is the bit where people tell us who they think’s to blame for last week’s UK riots. See how many of these opinions you find yourself agreeing with. There’ll be a test for you at the end. Probably.”

Young person:  I blame the older generation for not listening to the demands of young people and leaving us with no hopes nor dreams for the future.

Prime Minister:  I blame the policies of the last government that led to the slow motion moral collapse of our society.

Opposition leader:  I blame the feral elite - bankers, phone hackers, dodgy coppers, expenses-fiddling MPs – for setting a bad example.

Investment banker:  I blame politicians for failing to get to grips with the harsh economic realities. Which means:  You mess with our bonuses and we’ll take our business elsewhere.

Newspaper magnate:  I blame corrupt politicians, greedy bankers, vacuous celebrities and police-on-the-make for creating this moral wasteland in the first place.

Senior police officer:  I blame ministers for cutting police numbers, even though they haven't cut them yet. What really counts when it comes to policing is quantity not quality. Well, that and having faith in the police to do their job in the first place, whatever that is.

Ex-Headmistress:  I blame social theorists who, for too long, have undervalued discipline in Britain’s schools.

The ghost of Lord Reith:  I blame the makers of reality TV shows like Simon Cowell who offer unattainable dreams and peddle the idea that 15 minutes of fame beats a decent education.

Simon Cowell:  I blame anyone who hasn’t got a dream. And I offer young people dreams. I offer them a way out of the ghetto.

Simon Cowell’s banker:  I haven’t a bad word to say about Simon Cowell.

Politicians:  Nor have we. None of us.

Newspaper magnate:  Me neither. He fills column inches.

Investment banker: The guy makes a shed-load of money. So, what can I say?

The Riots - An ex-Mayor gives his take

"It's obvious to anyone (such as myself) who knows a thing or two about the citizens of the capital city as well as of this country, and especially the young citizens moreover, that this outbreak of violence we're seeing around the country is due to the vicious cuts perpetrated by this coalition government. Just because these cuts haven't actually had any impact yet is neither here nor there. It's the prospect of these cuts having an impact that is worrying young people and getting them onto the streets to protest, burn down buildings and steal plasma televisions and Adidas running shoes.

"When I was Mayor, I increased police resourcing and police numbers to an enormous extent. And you can see the beneficial effects this has had in recent months and years. You only need to think of the G8 protests or talk to the people of Tottenham to realise how successful my policing policy was. For example, the people of Tottenham absolutely love the police (or at least the ones I was responsible for putting there) and their rioting in recent days was not an example of their hatred of those policemen and policepersons, but rather their contempt for Boris Johnson who is more interested in attending black-tie dinners than caring for ordinary people.

"But there is another important matter here. And that is the one of respect. And by that I mean respect for drunk alcoholic young people. Over recent years, the young have become increasingly frustrated by the fact that when they fall out of pubs and clubs and start beating the crap out of people, the police show them no respect. This was evidenced the other day by one young inebriated lady in Hackney who said: "If the police doesn't show us no respect, then why should we show them any?" And I have to say that this fine lady with her no-nonsense attitude has a fair point.

"And the reason is this: People don't rape and pillage just because they want to, just because it brings them some kind of gain (although I have to admit that I wouldn't say no to a 42" plasma TV screen were I in Ealing the other night.) NO! They do it because they know that when everyone else is doing it, they’d be a fool not to.

"Do you think that, back in the dark ages, the Vikings raped and pillaged for some kind of arbitrary gain? Do you think the Vikings did it because they wanted to engage in some kind of drunken criminality where they all hoped they could go back to Denmark with sacks full of plasma TVs (assuming they had plasma screens in those days)?

"No! They did it because they felt frustrated by the lack of opportunity on their home turf. They were angry that the powers that be had no respect for their brutal, thuggish, drunken behaviour, which to some could be considered quite admirable in many ways. They, like all young greedy drunken yobbish people needed to let off steam now and again and gain the respect that they deserved.

"And last but not least, the Vikings came over here and raped and pillaged because, let's face it, they were totally and completely sick of the territorial ambitions and the dreams of empire that the ancient Britons possessed - even though they had no empire back then. But they would go on to rule the world. And with this in mind, they decided to teach the arrogant British a lesson.

"So, next time you see young persons engaged in drunken, wanton violence, spare a thought for the Vikings, and ask yourself this: Is what they are seeking nothing more than a bit of respect?”