The Generation (Blame) Game

“Nice to fleece you, to fleece you nice.  This is the bit where people tell us who they think’s to blame for last week’s UK riots. See how many of these opinions you find yourself agreeing with. There’ll be a test for you at the end. Probably.”

Young person:  I blame the older generation for not listening to the demands of young people and leaving us with no hopes nor dreams for the future.

Prime Minister:  I blame the policies of the last government that led to the slow motion moral collapse of our society.

Opposition leader:  I blame the feral elite - bankers, phone hackers, dodgy coppers, expenses-fiddling MPs – for setting a bad example.

Investment banker:  I blame politicians for failing to get to grips with the harsh economic realities. Which means:  You mess with our bonuses and we’ll take our business elsewhere.

Newspaper magnate:  I blame corrupt politicians, greedy bankers, vacuous celebrities and police-on-the-make for creating this moral wasteland in the first place.

Senior police officer:  I blame ministers for cutting police numbers, even though they haven't cut them yet. What really counts when it comes to policing is quantity not quality. Well, that and having faith in the police to do their job in the first place, whatever that is.

Ex-Headmistress:  I blame social theorists who, for too long, have undervalued discipline in Britain’s schools.

The ghost of Lord Reith:  I blame the makers of reality TV shows like Simon Cowell who offer unattainable dreams and peddle the idea that 15 minutes of fame beats a decent education.

Simon Cowell:  I blame anyone who hasn’t got a dream. And I offer young people dreams. I offer them a way out of the ghetto.

Simon Cowell’s banker:  I haven’t a bad word to say about Simon Cowell.

Politicians:  Nor have we. None of us.

Newspaper magnate:  Me neither. He fills column inches.

Investment banker: The guy makes a shed-load of money. So, what can I say?

The Riots - An ex-Mayor gives his take

"It's obvious to anyone (such as myself) who knows a thing or two about the citizens of the capital city as well as of this country, and especially the young citizens moreover, that this outbreak of violence we're seeing around the country is due to the vicious cuts perpetrated by this coalition government. Just because these cuts haven't actually had any impact yet is neither here nor there. It's the prospect of these cuts having an impact that is worrying young people and getting them onto the streets to protest, burn down buildings and steal plasma televisions and Adidas running shoes.

"When I was Mayor, I increased police resourcing and police numbers to an enormous extent. And you can see the beneficial effects this has had in recent months and years. You only need to think of the G8 protests or talk to the people of Tottenham to realise how successful my policing policy was. For example, the people of Tottenham absolutely love the police (or at least the ones I was responsible for putting there) and their rioting in recent days was not an example of their hatred of those policemen and policepersons, but rather their contempt for Boris Johnson who is more interested in attending black-tie dinners than caring for ordinary people.

"But there is another important matter here. And that is the one of respect. And by that I mean respect for drunk alcoholic young people. Over recent years, the young have become increasingly frustrated by the fact that when they fall out of pubs and clubs and start beating the crap out of people, the police show them no respect. This was evidenced the other day by one young inebriated lady in Hackney who said: "If the police doesn't show us no respect, then why should we show them any?" And I have to say that this fine lady with her no-nonsense attitude has a fair point.

"And the reason is this: People don't rape and pillage just because they want to, just because it brings them some kind of gain (although I have to admit that I wouldn't say no to a 42" plasma TV screen were I in Ealing the other night.) NO! They do it because they know that when everyone else is doing it, they’d be a fool not to.

"Do you think that, back in the dark ages, the Vikings raped and pillaged for some kind of arbitrary gain? Do you think the Vikings did it because they wanted to engage in some kind of drunken criminality where they all hoped they could go back to Denmark with sacks full of plasma TVs (assuming they had plasma screens in those days)?

"No! They did it because they felt frustrated by the lack of opportunity on their home turf. They were angry that the powers that be had no respect for their brutal, thuggish, drunken behaviour, which to some could be considered quite admirable in many ways. They, like all young greedy drunken yobbish people needed to let off steam now and again and gain the respect that they deserved.

"And last but not least, the Vikings came over here and raped and pillaged because, let's face it, they were totally and completely sick of the territorial ambitions and the dreams of empire that the ancient Britons possessed - even though they had no empire back then. But they would go on to rule the world. And with this in mind, they decided to teach the arrogant British a lesson.

"So, next time you see young persons engaged in drunken, wanton violence, spare a thought for the Vikings, and ask yourself this: Is what they are seeking nothing more than a bit of respect?”

News in brief: Celebs rule UK!

- Figures just released show a three percent rise in the number of primary school pupils achieving a grasp of the three Rs. This is proof, were it needed, that the celebrity culture we inhabit ain't as bad as it seems. But what are the three Rs, you ask? Er, like, obvious! Reading, riting and reality TV.

- Billions have been slashed from the cost of the useless NHS computer programme. Officials have found that by scrapping the project, launched in 2002, only £6.4bn will have been wasted as opposed to the entire £11bn. The software company working on the programme has called it a win-win situation. "We made loads of money trying to implement this useless idea. And now its mothballing has saved taxpayers billions."