News in Brief

Thousands of gormless teenagers catch Malaria

Following news that singer-celebrity Cheryl Cole has malaria, it's been revealed that thousands of adoring fans have been clogging accident and emergency wards complaining of the symptoms of malaria. A Doctor Livingstone said: "We have quite literally been inundated with sweaty, self-pitying, whingeing teenagers muttering the words "I've been  bitten." Of course we've sent them all home and told them: It's called being a teenager.

Megrahi could live for ten years

The Doctor who claimed the Libyan accused of the Lockerbie bombing was on his deathbed has now admitted he might in fact live for another ten years. He added however: "This appalling error of judgement regarding Al-Megrahi says more about the quality of the NHS under the last government than it does about dodgy oil deals with Libya."

Russian Spy to play Jennifer Aniston

It has been confirmed that the Russian spy Anna Chapman, a widely-reported Jennifer Aniston impersonator, is to play the actress in a film about her life and career. Hollywood insiders say that Chapman is perfect for the part of Aniston who has taken on a variety of roles and who has left audiences asking: who is the real Jennifer?

Said one insider: "The actress is very versatile and has played everything from an assassin and femme fatale through to the sweet and delectable Rachel in the long running TV series Friends.

"Similarly Chapman is someone as comfortable in the role of a suburban housewife or metrosexual thirty-something as she is in that of a ruthless undercover agent.

Penetration

(The ghosts of Chairman Mao and Josef Stalin sit and chat. They compare the success of Russia and of China in penetrating the West and its institutions since their deaths. The conversation gets heated - they become increasingly competitive.)

Stalin:   (Raises glass) Here's to another thousand years, Comrade.

Mao:  (Raises glass) Here's to another ten thousand years, Comrade.

Stalin:  (Looking slightly suspicious) Ten thousand years of the Marxist-Leninist struggle against the bloody oppressor, I assume you mean?

Mao: Comrade... I mean, ten thousand years of spreading the message - spreading our message... I mean, of maintaining our influence over the more ignorant nations of this world. I mean... of convincing the Western powers that in the long term it is our formula for power, our formula for government that will win through and that will bring long term stability to this planet.

Stalin:  When you say our message, our influence, our formula... you mean Russian-Chinese influence indeed, do you not?

Mao: No, Brother... Just Chinese influence. That is what counts these days. For your country is no longer the power it once was. Nor has it the influence it once had.

Stalin:  (Red-faced - Suppressing his incipient anger) How can you claim this Comrade? My country is indeed a force to be reckoned with. You need only see how the businessmen, how the oligarchs have managed in the space of just a few years to build world class organisations that can take on the best companies that the West has to offer. Russia dominates the oil and gas markets,  it is buying into Western multinationals... and a Russian even owns one of the top British football teams - Football is like an opiate to the people of the West. They are gripped by the game, they venerate their football stars. But there is more still - the media! One of our leading lights now owns the only London newspaper still in existence.  You must accept that our influence in the West has grown and, more to the point, is growing stronger by the day.

Mao: But what is that compared to the Chinese influence over everything from food...

Stalin: (Angrily interrupts) Food? Food? What like, Chop Suey? Spare Ribs?

Mao:   Sure beat potato dumplings.

Stalin:  Outrageous! To think... Egg Fried Rice!What about our Russian Vodka? One of the most popular drinks in the Western world! You export nothing that so sozzles the heads of these lazy Westerners!

Mao: But anyway, Comrade... As I was saying before you rudely interrupt me... Our influence is from food - and not just food - through to the very tools utilised by the Western economies. From among our number there indeed came the mathematician that generated the models and formulae that the Western bankers used to bring upon themselves the now legendary credit crunch.

Stalin: Indeed?

Mao: Indeed. A Chinaman produced the model that priced those fateful credit derivatives.

Stalin: I had no idea, Comrade.

Mao: And what is more... We dominate production of the computers on which the Westerners work and the mobile phones upon which they speak...  And in leisure too, we are ahead also. We make the televisions on which they can idolise their celebrities, we produce the games consoles on which they play their shoot 'em up games. And even those computers serve a dual purpose - for leisure as well. Effectively, through technology, we control  the means of production and the distribution of their pornography by which they can indulge their endless adoration of tits and bums and blow-jobs and sado-masochistic sex.

Stalin: Hardly something to shout about, Comrade.

Mao: No, Comrade. But it is simply what they choose to use these computers for, not what we choose to make them for. It is their problem not ours if we have even penetrated their sexual pursuits!

Stalin: Okay, I grasp your point there Comrade. China does indeed control the means of production and penetration in that sense.

Mao: You could even say that China controls the means of penetration and ejaculation.

Stalin: Maybe, Comrade. But what about in other areas of sex... What about the legendary Russian 'Honey-Traps', these beautiful Russian spies who continue to ensnare the Western officials and the business men with their captivating looks. In that respect we still control the means of seduction, copulation and ejaculation. And many, many of these people that we have penetrated in that respect are high-ranking indeed.

Mao:  High-ranking?

Stalin: Oh, yes. There are none who rank higher than some of the officials that we have ensnared. They are truly men of rank!

Mao: But surely, Comrade. Why, in this computer age, do you need to ensnare men who are ranking the highest using these  'Honey-Traps'? Surely you can ensnare them by technological means, can you not? For surely they are still ranking as highly when they are using technology as when they are out socialising at Annabel's or at Bouji's?

Stalin: You do indeed have a point there Comrade. A rank is as good in front of a computer screen as it is at Bouji's.

Mao: Indeed it is Comrade. And I believe that your beloved Russia has missed a trick there. If you truly wish to control the means of penetration of men of rank then you should invest more heavily in technology than you currently do.

Stalin:  Okay for now, Chairman Comrade. I will take your point. More penetration through digitalisation.

Mao: Indeed and more penetration of high ranking men no less.

Stalin: Yes, you are wise in that respect, Comrade.

Mao: Thank you for your support, Comrade.

Stalin: (Looks sombre) Even if it is grudgingly offered.

Mao:  (Shrugs) Hmm... no surprise there!

Stalin:  (Standing up) Now if you'll excuse me, I am just off to haunt Comrade Putin.

Mao: Yes, Comrade?

Stalin:  Yes, Comrade. He is clearly asleep at the wheel.... I need to inform him that technology...

Mao: Technology?

Stalin: Yes, that technology is the opiate of the people.

Mao:  Indeed, Comrade. Maybe you should inform him of that point.

Stalin: Yes... and that he ignores it at his peril.

Mao: Yes... Comrade. He does indeed.

Stalin: So... Dos vedanya, Comrade Mao

Mao: Ciao, Comrade Stalin.

The BBC - The argument in favour of those massive salaries (and expenses... and pensions).

Here is the viewing guide for next Saturday July 10. It provides conclusive proof that the BBC is worth every penny it gets. Remember: There might be a lot of repeats, but (most of) the shows were good first time round. And when it comes to sport, it requires enormous imagination to leave a camera running then to broadcast the footage for up to three hours at any one time. As for cookery shows and gameshows, it could be worse. The alternative might be some so-called Doctor examining someone's stools - as happens on Channel Four (which also receives public money).

BBC1

10.00 - 11.30 - Saturday Kitchen (Some whacky people doing some cooking)

11.30 - 12.00 - Delicious Miss Dahl (A celeb doing some cooking)

2.30 - 5.15 - Golf (Men in pink sweaters hitting their balls around the countryside)

5.30 - 5.30 - Total Wipeout (Gameshow)

6.30 - 7.30 - 101 Ways to leave a Gameshow (Quiz show about gameshows)

7.30 - 8.25 - National Lottery (Includes quizzes and gameshows)

10.20 - 10.50 - Question of Sport Uncensored (Repeat of whacky 'out-takes')

01.45 - 01.50 - Friday Night with Jonathan Ross (Repeat of interviewer asking famous people whacky questions.)


BBC2

1.00 - 2.30 - Golf (Men in pink sweaters etc.)

4.30 - 7.30 - Athletics (Camera follows people running around a field)

10.00 - 10.40 - Have I Got a Little Bit More News for You. (No you haven't! This is the tenth repeat of the show)


BBC3

7.30 - 11.00 - T in the Park - (Camera left running whilst pop stars do their concert acts.)


BBC4

8.00 - 9.00 - Century of Fatherhood (Programme that no fathers actually bother watching)

Swine before Pearls (of Wisdom)

A government scientist called Deirdre has identified four hundred and ninety two ways in which ordinary members of the public might die next year and is urging the government to insure against each and every one of them.

Following on from the last Labour government's purchase of ninety million doses of Tamiflu that will never be used, Dame Deirdre, as she is known to her friends, suggested that governments around the world should buy every quack remedy known to man because "even if they save one life, they are worth 850 Million pounds at the very least."

"Remember, we are talking about insurance policies here. And as with all good insurance policies you pay a massive amount of money for something that might never happen. The great advantage of these policies is that someone else gets very rich off the back of your stupidity."

She continued: "And the real upside is that the companies that produce these worthless drugs give politicans and apparatchiks like myself lucrative jobs after we have left government and none of you suckers are any the wiser."

"As the legendary Meerkat in that insurance advert says: "Simples".

EXCLUSIVE! Transcript of Russian Spy Conversation

(We are at the house of Dimitry, codename Dwayne, a member of the Russian spy ring. The transcript is evidence of the lengths to which members of the ring have gone in order to conceal their true identities. They have been living ordinary suburban lives and interracting effortlessly with local people and tradesmen. In this section, the delivery man Michael knocks at the front door.)

Michael:  Hi Dwayne, how are you? Couldn't remember... was it one pint of milk or two you ordered?

Dwayne:  The milk in Volgograd is always warm at this time of year.

Michael:  Yeah, sure, Dwayne. Whatever you say. So is it one pint or two? Half fat or skimmed?

Dwayne:  The skim operation is confirmed. The codes will be sent to the house of Madame Bartok in Bucharest before sunset.

Michael:  So, I take it you want skimmed. Right?

(A plumber turns up and tries to squeeze past Michael.)

Plumber:  Hi, someone called out a plumber? Problem with a hot water tank?

Dwayne:  The tanks will roll into Gdansk when the last swallow sings Chopin Mazurka in B minor.

Plumber:  Sorry, Buddy? Must have been your wife called us. Hot water tank sprung a leak?

Michael:  (Impatient) Listen Dwayne, i'll just leave you with one pint of each... half and half... and skimmed? Okay?

Dwayne:  The representative, codename Chester, will be sitting on the white bench by the bandstand in Arlington Park. You will ask him whether the milk will turn to cheese in St Petersberg after the lark return in November. He will pass you the instructions for the rendez-vous and the money

Michael:  Yeah, whatever Dwayne. Same old routine. (Leaves milk and departs).

Plumber:  Hello??? Can you take me to the tank, the hot water tank? Time is money, remember?

Dwayne:  No, Vladimir will show you the tanks when you will arrive and he will explain the plans for the Warsaw Three. But please now to leave the microfiche with my wife.

Plumber:  (Ignoring him) Fine. I'll ask your wife where to go.

(Dwayne's wife Lilly appears at the door and invites the plumber in.)

Dwayne:  Lilly, the 'plumbing man', he will leave you the microfiche. Please to take good care of him. See he come to no harm.

Lilly:  Yeah, whatever you say, Dwayne. (To plumber) Don't mind him, he's always like this.

(A travelling salesman appears at the door. He opens his case and takes out a bundle of insurance documents.)

Salesman:  Hi, have you ever considered what you would do in the event you were taken ill or had an accident? How would you pay your bills? What exactly would you do for income?

Dwayne:  Please ask the man from Tashkent who is serving at the hotdog stand on Virginia Road about 'the income'. He will pass you the identity papers which you will carry to the candy store in shopping centre and ask for Anna. Please to make sure that it is only Anna you talk to.

Salesman:  Sorry, I don't follow. If I've caught you at a bad time I can always come back later.

Dwayne:  No, you please to leave these documents with me. I will photograph and you will return at Midday precisely. Lilly, my wife, will open door and you will ask her whether the weather in Kamchatka is pleasant at this time of year. Then she will say it depend on the prevailing wind. Then I will come to the door and return the documents to you. You then take them to pretzel vendor outside Ukraine Embassy and he will dispose of them.

Salesman: Yeah, Bud. Whatever you say. (He eyes Dwayne quizzically then hands him one of the forms. He leaves and mutters to himself) Jesus, guy's a fruitcake.


(A man and a woman, both in smart suits walk up the path. They are holding out what appear to be books. They address Dwayne).

Suits:  Hello, have you five minutes, Sir?

Dwayne: (Suspicious) Er... yes. Please to tell me. What is it precisely?

Suits: We would like to ask you a question.

Dwayne: (Looks worried) What kind of question?

Suits: We'll get straight to the point.

Dwayne:  (Looks really worried) Okay, what do you want to know?

Suits:  Have you ever asked yourself whether Jesus loves you?

Dwayne:  Oh, no!

Suits:  Have you ever asked yourself what you need to do to let Jesus into your heart?

Dwayne:  Oh my God. (Calls into the house) Lilly! Lilly!

Suits:  Will you pray with us and let Jesus save you?

Dwayne:  Lilly. It is undercover FBI. Quick! Hurry! Out of the house, no time to delay. The undercover FBI they come to arrest us. Run! Fast as you can.

(Dwayne bolts down the path. He is seen vanishing into the distance glancing back a couple of times and shouting.)

             Please. There is no evidence. I pass no secrets yet. I am innocent man. We haven't done nothing wrong.

Suits:  (Eyeing each other. Then in unison) It's happened again.

First suit:  Would you believe it? Every time... Why do they always do that?

Second Suit:  Lord knows... Suspicious, I suppose. For some reason they just cannot seem to believe that we're for real.

First Suit:  Makes no sense. No sense at all. We're for real alright.

Second Suit:  Too right we're for real!

All the World's a Pulpit

(The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Pope discuss Globalisation)

Pope:  Firstly, Archbishop Williams, may I offer you my condolences regarding your football team's losses in the World Cup games in South Africa. It was most exhilarating, I mean, upsetting.

Canterbury:  (Confused) That is very kind, Your Holiness. Not that I...

Pope:  Follow the game closely?

Canterbury:  Well...

Pope:  I do understand. Neither do I.

Canterbury:  But may I also offer you mine, my condolences to your team... well to the Italian team at least... even if... the Vatican and, and... Italy are not exactly one and the same thing.

Pope:  Indeed, they are not exactly one and the same. But thank you for your consideration. I will pass it on to Signor Berlusconi when I next meet with him.

Canterbury:  I do feel that it's rather sad when men who are considered giants in their own countries - and with salaries to boot - lose some of their, shall we say, status when it comes to the world stage.

Pope:  Indeed it is. And it appears that your footballers are among the highest paid in the whole world. There is clearly no correlation between the money your managers pay them and their performance against other nations.

Canterbury:  It would appear not. This is perhaps one of the unforeseen consequences of globalisation, I fear. A man's value changes according to the context in which he appears, in which he acts, in which he transacts... It is the same, I suppose, for the Asian factory worker, who appears to have a different value to the worker in my country... or indeed in Italy, for that matter.

Pope:  Yes... unforeseen consquences indeed... this is a possible downside of globalisation... And something that gives many amongst us some cause for concern.

Canterbury:  (Nervous, hesitant) Of course... in a sense... you could say that we - our churches - led the way in this field.

Pope:  How do you mean, Archbishop Williams?

Canterbury:  Well... In globalisation, I mean. In a very real sense, we - our churches, yours and mine - invented globalisation. We can indeed acknowledge that our missionaries, our pilgrims were visiting far flung places and trying to 'globalise' the faith, if you like, long before Sir Walter Raleigh or General Clive or The East India Company were attempting to diversify their interests, their specific business interests... if I can put it that way.

Pope:  You can put it any way you like, Archbishop Williams. I always do. However, you are right. We did diversify, as you correctly say, long before the businessmen were spreading their own little 'Gospel'.

Canterbury:  And of course, if you don't mind my saying, your particular 'Gospel' was not always totally devoid of commercial endeavour. Would you agree?

Pope:  What can you mean, commercial endeavour?

Canterbury:  (Looks awkward, keen not to offend) What I mean is that the spreading of the early faith was, I would say, to some extent accompanied by the spreading of certain commercially lucrative practices.

Pope:  Commercially lucrative practices? What in the good name of the Lord are you talking about? There were no commercially lucrative practices.

Canterbury:  (Hesitant) Well, without wanting to er... cause offence, you could say that the spreading, the selling of indulgences had certain commercial ramifications... in that it paid for the building of St.Peters in Rome.

Pope:  How dare you, insolent Anglican. St. Peters was a dedication to the faith. Those who helped build it were doing God's work, not the work of Mammon.

Canterbury:  (Uncomfortable) Oh, er... No, I didn't mean it quite like that, your Holiness. And I am most sorry if I have caused offence.

Pope:  As so you should. There is no comparison between St. Peters and your East India company or your Lloyds of London or your Standard Chartered Bank.

Canterbury:  No, of course not. Nor would I venture to suggest that there were. I was really referring more to the selling of indulgences per se... as an issue. I am sure you would agree, none of us would like to see a return to that particularly global practice, would we?

Pope:  Can you Protestants stop busting my balls. Indulgence of all sorts are acceptable within the Catholica Church. As a matter of fact, one thing that a lot of us in the Church could do with right now is indulgence... if not indulgences.

Canterbury:  (Summoning up the courage) Well, if I may be so bold... Your, Your Holiness... Maybe - I would venture to suggest - a little less indulgence, or indulgences, on a global scale is, are what is needed right now.

Pope:  How do you mean, Bish?

Canterbury:  (Hesitant) Er, Archbishop, if you wouldn't mind.

Pope:  Bish, Archbish. Whatever. Anglican is what Anglican does.

Canterbury:  (Mildly hurt) Oh, I see... well... erm, what I was about to say was that, that... now that Catholic Priests the world over are being roundly condemned for the way in which they have been indulging themselves when they are, erm 'treating their flock', as it were...

Pope:  (Aggressively) Yes...?

Canterbury:  Well, maybe you'll be so kind as to keep your hands off... off my priests, if that is, well, acceptable to you.

Pope:  Do not understand. Please explain.

Canterbury:  Your Holiness... Would it be asking too much, if I, if I suggested, if I requested that you cease, as it were, grooming the somewhat higher Anglicans within my Church... with a view to turning them to Rome. That particular approach to globalisation is one that does not sit easily with a lot of people in my country right now, I have to say.

Pope:  Listen, Buster. If things carry on as they are for the Catholica Church, I am going to need to cast my net as far and as wide as I can. I'm gonna need to get a whole lot of new priests on board - wherever on the globe they might happen to be.

Canterbury:  (Calmly, Resigned) Hmm... I see. Yes... I suppose that you do have a point. I do not wish to appear uncharitable, of course, not at a time like this... Your church is indeed in a spot of bother, is it not?

Pope:  Not kidding, Buster.

Canterbury:  Archbishop. I'm an Archbishop.

Pope:  Yeah, whatever, Archbishop.

Consider the Utilities

An address by the the Archbishop of Cant

Everywhere, the train companies are going off the rails, the water companies are dry and arid, the energy companies see their power ebbing away.

But spare a thought for the poor, downtrodden shareholders. For years they have seen the money pouring in to their bank accounts. They have been secure in the knowledge that their investments will go up and up and up. And even in the proverbial 'bear market' there is one thing of which they have always been certain - and that is the Holy Dividend.

These humble shareholder have a right to receive such dividends. It is clearly stated in the Book of Profits that "no state Utility, once it is privatised, shall exist purely for the benefit of the consumers." Indeed the consumers exists "purely for the benefit of the shareholders, who shall readily fleece the consumers, through good times and bad - yea, even when the waters do run dry and even when the power does black out."

But what is it we see before us now? The persecuted Utility companies are being harried on all sides by the rabble who do champion the rights of the needy consumers. The companies are told to lower their tariffs, they are told to improve the quality of their services, they are indeed even commanded to invest heavily in the infrastructure of their operations. And to what end? So that the whingeing consumers can whinge some more about the poor quality of the services that the Utilities do provide.

Think upon this: Whence shall that money for investment originate? Will it be the government that does provide? I fear not. The government says that it must cut the deficit and that investment in public utilities must henceforth be scaled back. Will it be the consumer who will pay more? Again, it is most unlikely as the turbulent watchdogs do announce that the consumer is already fleeced enough.

So whence shall it come, this capital? Yes, it shall come from the much maligned shareholders, who were from the outset led to believe that their investments would offer up never ending flows of cash, flows indeed that would vanquish for eternity that great terror of the investors through the ages - that investments could go down as well as up.

Are we therefore to ignore the plight of these poor shareholders? Will we leave them high and dry? I sincerely hope not. No, we must not abandon these good men and women in their hour of need. We shall not cut off that guaranteed flow of capital. For it is a God given right, as set out in the Book of Investors.

And so it is that I ask you now, you, the consumer, to help out those who have stood close by you when you did need your water and did demand your power. I ask you now to look out for these poor hard-done-by souls. I ask you to look within your selves and to dig deep within your pockets. I ask you to help out thus:-

- One pound excess charge donated by every rail user will add millions to the overall dividend of any rail company.

- Ten pounds overpay on your water bill will ensure healthy profits next year and beyond, irrespective of the capital investment made by the water company.

- One hundred thousand pounds paid to the Tony Hayward Give Me My Life Back Fund will do bugger all for the Gulf, for the fishermen, nay even for shareholders. But, yea verily, it will indeed put a big and happy smile back on that ass-hole's face.

Please give generously!

Amen.

Yes Goddess, no Goddess, three bags full, Goddess

On BBC's Today programme, a sycophantic presenter quizzes a blond ex-model on her business dealings with Arabia.

Dramatis Personae:

- Sycophantic Man (Hereafter known as SM)
- Blond Chick (Hereafter known as BC)

SM:  (Obsequious) What may I call you, your Ladyship, your Greatness?

BC:  Call me Goddess, you little creep

SM:  Yes Goddess. I will indeed call you by that - if I may say so - most appropriate form of address. Now can I ask you first of all, can I get inside your knickers, Goddess?

BC:  Not in the sense you mean, you horrid man. But if you beg and lick my boots clean I will literally sell you my knickers at the end of the programme. That is, if one of my wealthy clients doesn't bid for them first.

SM: Thank you Goddess. I will lick your boots until you can see your beautiful reflection in them.

BC:  Good. That's what I want to hear, you snivelling little twerp.

SM: Now, can I ask you, are you patriotic?

BC:  You'll regret asking that question you ghastly little man. Of course I'm patriotic. I have flogged some of the UK's biggest companies to the Arabs.

SM:  Yes and in a sense that is what I am getting at. Is it patriotic to do such a thing?

BC:  What kind of a question is that, you loathsome creature? If I hadn't sold these companies, they would have been bailed out by the British government. How patriotic is that?

SM:  Well, smarm smarm, I suppose that they would have remained more British, your Goddess-ship, would they not?

BC:  And why should British taxpayers pay to bailout lame British companies, slime-ball?

SM:  Oh, I see what you are getting at, your Goddess-ship. You managed to get your friends in Qatar to waste their money on our crumbling institutions. Therefore, you were doing your patriotic duty. Is that it?

BC:  Well, hello, creepo? That's exactly what I am saying.I offloaded them. A very patriotic thing to do in my opinion.

SM:  And is that the way in which your friends in the Emirates see it? They were taking degenerate British companies off our hands?

BC:  Of course not you pathetic little man. They simply wanted to buy a bit of British arse. Which is precisely what they did.

SM:  Yes, they sure did. And congratulations to you, venerable Goddess for achieving such a win-win situation.

BC:  What would you know about win-win situations, you miserable loser?

SM:  Nothing, Ma'am, I mean, Goddess. I was just desperate to pay you more compliments. But I admit, I am indeed a loser.

BC:  You can say that again. Now have you any other moronic questions, little man.

SM:  No, your Goddess-ship. I'm done.

BC:  No you're not. These boots aren't nearly shiny enough. Get licking, you worm.

SM: Yes, Goddess, I apologise for my lowliness.

BC: Yuk. I think I'm going to be sick. Can you get a move on?

SM:  (Licking her boots and then coming up for air) Yes... Yes, delectable Goddess... and thank you very much for coming onto the Today programme.

BC: Oh, piss off!

BP's Tony Hayward gets serious with the Gulf of Mexico robot

(The disgraced CEO has decided personally to sack the robot that caused the latest oil leak in the gulf. Here's a transcript of the exit interview, as published in Rolling Stoned Magazine.)

Hayward: You understand I had to do this personally, don't you robot?

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: I had to be seen to be acting decisively.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: Exactly. Affirmative. Got it in one... People in the US have to know I'm capable of affirmative action.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: And when you sack a robot, you can be sure, it's nothing personal. My actions... they're nothing personal.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: But it shows I'm getting tough. Just as Obama got tough with Stanley McChrystal, that is what I am doing now. Getting tough with you, robot.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: I want the Yanks to know what a tough man I really am.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: (Frowns) By the way... do you say anything other than affirmative?

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: So what's that, then? What else do you say?

Robot: Negative

Hayward: (Chuckles nervously) Oh right... Yeah... Gotcha. (Scratches his head) So let me ask you. When you collided with the oil cap the other day, did you view that as an affirmative or a negative action?

Robot: (Tries to respond but freezes. Sparks start flying out of its head) Aff...aff... aff... neg... neg... neg... aff...

Hayward: (Worried) Oh dear, you don't know how to answer that one do you, robot? You are really, really confused.

Robot: (More sparks) Aff... aff... aff... neg... neg... aff...

Hayward: You're not going to short circuit on me, robot? I wouldn't want to be responsible for more tragedy. After all that's gone on in the gulf.

Robot: (Unfreezes) Negative

Hayward: (Visibly relieved) Phew. You had me worried for a moment just then, robot. Thought you might flip on me. You know, thought you might go loco as they say in the Gulf of Mexico.

Robot: Negative

Hayward: (Smiles) But hey... You know what? That's got me thinking, robot. You seem like a robot after my own heart. I like the way you didn't give a meaningful response to my difficult and confusing question. I like the way you weren't sure whether your actions were negative or affirmative. I like the way you went into a kind of meltdown just then, but you didn't actually... go into a meltdown.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: (Chuckles) Yeah... affirmative... I like all this affirmative / negative buzz as well

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: Yeah, so like, I was thinking... maybe I shouldn't sack you. Maybe it's you who should take over day to day running of BP... especially focusing on the clean up operation in the gulf.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: Well that's just brilliant! That's ace! Affirmative!!! Welcome to the club, robot... Now I am goin' to teach you to say one more thing. Very important this... especially for a robot... Now, repeat after me: I just want to get my life back.

Robot: (Effortlessly) I just want to get my life back

Hayward: That's really brilliant, robot. I'm really impressed.

Robot: Affirmative.

Hayward: Boy, Congress won't stand a chance... next time they want to interview the guy running the clean up operation in the gulf. Not a chance!

Robot: Affirmative.

Hayward: Robot... I can tell you one thing... You'll go far in BP. You really will... GO FAR...

Robot: (Pauses, appears to turn this comment over in its micro-processor head. After a few moments, it resumes) Affirmative.

Hayward: Yes, robot... affirmative, robot. You really will... you will go far.

Robot: Affirmative

News in Brief

Large Hadron Collider: scientists create the racket of the ‘God particle’

Scientists hoping to make the £6bn Hadron experiment more accessible claim to have simulated the sounds that will be made by sub-atomic particles such as the Higgs boson when they are produced at the Collider. Their goal is to "listen to the data" and pick out the Higgs particle if and when they finally detect it.

Said one scientist: "Now you can listen to the baloney as it emerges from the collider, rather than just read about it in the newspapers."

When asked for his take on the Higgs Bozo particle, artist and comedian Rolf Harris added: "Can you hear what it is yet?"

Budget draws ideological battle lines (allegedly)

The BBC has denied any ideological bias in its reporting of the budget. In an interview with George Osborne on the flagship Today programme Evan Davis suggested that many of The Chancellor's budget measures were ideological. There is no word yet as to whether Davis's line of questioning was itself ideological. But The Old Meerkat will no doubt enlighten listeners at some point.

The Budget: Long Faces at Disney

It's not just the Mickey Mouse jobs, the Donald Duck sinecures. Councils throughout Britain fear its the final curtain for thousands of useless posts created during New Labour's time in office. Who will now pay for what the deprived and destitute really need: Totem Pole Artists, Putting People First Programme Managers, City Events and International Links Officers?

The cruel old Chancellor has decided to slice and dice the public sector and throughout the land people in jobs serving no useful purpose whatsoever will find themselves on the scrapheap - as if they weren't effectively already.

Said one Wellbeing and Looking Outwards Analyst: "My job which used to pay a mere 35K a year was a lifeline for the many useless and boring people who lurk around the corridors of Britain's council offices. I used to go round making sure that people took tea breaks and went for walks in the park just as they're supposed to do and just as it says in their contracts. Do you not see? People who are in dead-end jobs need people like me to tell them to get a life. These cuts are an absolute tragedy. Now it's me who's going to have to get a life. And there's no one out there who's going to tell me to do it. Well, apart from the Chancellor of the Exchequer, that is. The bastard."

BP and the Bermuda Triangle

Could it be true? The oil spill was not the fault of BP, but was really the latest ghostly manifestation of the Bermuda Triangle? Word going round the higher echelons of the troubled company is that it is as much a victim of the ecological disaster as the struggling Gulf of Mexico fishermen.

"We are all yachting men and we know troubled waters when we see them. For example, we will never sail through an oil slick. No way! It makes our lovely white hulls all black and slimy. And if that happens you have to get out your big boat brush and spend all weekend a-scrubbing and a-whitewashing. It'll be bloody ages before you get your life back, be in no doubt.

"And another thing we boating fellows know is that you NEVER, I repeat NEVER sail into or within close proximity of the Bermuda triangle. It's a hell-hole. It has taken down many a boat and many a skipper with much bigger balls than any of us might hope to possess. And we are now working on the theory that this Triangle might be the root cause of the catastrophic spill.

A spokeman for BP was pressed on this point. He was asked first: Was the well-head really that close to the legendary Triangle? Second, did this spooky manifestation have much form when it came to screwing with deep water drilling, especially of the oil variety?

He responded: Who knows? There has to be a first time for every triangle. Maybe that well-head was more than this ghostly entity could resist. And anyway, if it ain't the Bermuda Triangle, we're also looking into suggestions that it might be the Bahamas Triangle, the Cayman Triangle, The Monte Carlo Triangle... Who knows, even the Tripoli Triangle?"