BP and the Bermuda Triangle

Could it be true? The oil spill was not the fault of BP, but was really the latest ghostly manifestation of the Bermuda Triangle? Word going round the higher echelons of the troubled company is that it is as much a victim of the ecological disaster as the struggling Gulf of Mexico fishermen.

"We are all yachting men and we know troubled waters when we see them. For example, we will never sail through an oil slick. No way! It makes our lovely white hulls all black and slimy. And if that happens you have to get out your big boat brush and spend all weekend a-scrubbing and a-whitewashing. It'll be bloody ages before you get your life back, be in no doubt.

"And another thing we boating fellows know is that you NEVER, I repeat NEVER sail into or within close proximity of the Bermuda triangle. It's a hell-hole. It has taken down many a boat and many a skipper with much bigger balls than any of us might hope to possess. And we are now working on the theory that this Triangle might be the root cause of the catastrophic spill.

A spokeman for BP was pressed on this point. He was asked first: Was the well-head really that close to the legendary Triangle? Second, did this spooky manifestation have much form when it came to screwing with deep water drilling, especially of the oil variety?

He responded: Who knows? There has to be a first time for every triangle. Maybe that well-head was more than this ghostly entity could resist. And anyway, if it ain't the Bermuda Triangle, we're also looking into suggestions that it might be the Bahamas Triangle, the Cayman Triangle, The Monte Carlo Triangle... Who knows, even the Tripoli Triangle?"

EXCLUSIVE: BP Chief Executive is NOT British

The Chief Executive of British Petroleum, Tony Hayward, has apparently stated that he is not British. His announcement comes at a time when anti-British sentiment is running high in the United States as a result of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

CEO Hayward is believed to have said: “I am not British – at least not in my heart I’m not. And had I any say in the matter, BP would not be a British company. It would be Chinese or Russian or Iranian or Libyan or Venezuelan... anything but British... or American, for that matter.

Commenting on Mr Hayward’s claim, London Mayor Boris Johnson said today: “Don't bash British Petroleum. I’m not British either. I’m a Turk.”


Other News

Lardy Lord Prescott has put his money where his mouth is – which is, everywhere these days. He will allow a small suburban housing development to be built in his back garden. On Radio 4’s Today programme, he defended ‘garden grabbing’ - which allows gardens to be classified as brown-field sites. True to character, he repeated the class war mantra about wealthy fat-cat bankers - an unusual line of attack, coming as it does from a man who’s about to be ennobled, is wealthy, a fat-cat, and something that rhymes with banker.

Burn your shoes – A survey has revealed feminists have larger shoe collections than at any time in recent history. Feminists possess on average twenty pairs of shoes, at least half of which are of the Manolo or Jimmy Choo variety.

The conclusion? Whilst the bra was an encumbrance that had to be burned, the ankle-crushing stiletto is a sign of female emancipation.

Cut the Defence Budget – A leading journalist has claimed that the defence budget should be slashed immediately. He said: “There is absolutely no need to throw 45BN a year at defence. It is evident we are safer than at any time since the Norman Conquest. We have no obvious enemies at the moment, unless you count Russia and China.

BP Asset Sale – The immensely altruistic Standard Chartered bank has suggested selling BP assets to China Petroleum

On other pages - What does Libya's Gaddafi think of BP right now?