Hardwired to get really wired

Research revealed in the Sunday Times today suggests that human beings might be hardwired to believe in Richard Dawkins. The idea has emerged from studies of the way the human mind behaves during heated debates about religion and evolution. Scientists think that humans are born with a tendency in such situations to display self-righteous indignation, especially when confronted with views of the natural world that conflict with their own.

Bryce Hoodwink, Professor of developmental randomness at the University of Bristols apparently believes that children display a "natural intuitive way of reasoning that leads them to all kinds of supernatural beliefs. Never mind that fact that their parents tell them that there are such things as Father Christmas and Tooth Fairies. If their parents didn't them these things they'd make them up anyway."

Professor Hoodwink believes that the same goes for God and Richard Dawkins. "School children don't believe in one guy or the other because their parents or teachers have told them to believe in them. Oh no. If God and Dawkins weren't mentioned even once throughout their lives, kids would simply have to make them up. The fact of the matter is that we all need something to believe in."

However a spokeperson for the Department of Disbelief today stated: "Struth! You couldn't make it up, could you? If we are all hardwired to believe in Richard Dawkins or even in God for that matter, then who exactly was it who put the wiring there in the first place? That's what I would like to know. Was it God or Richard Dawkins? These people make me laugh... For crying out loud, some people nowadays wonder whether Richard Dawkins is bigger than Jesus... But then that is what they once wondered about the Beatles, didn't they?"

History is Bank

One year on... and some are foolish enough to believe that the 'goose that laid the golden egg' was in actual fact 'the goose that took a dump' on the economies of the West. How wrong they are. Bank shares are soaring, income from trading is on the up again - and so much so that banks are once again wealthy enough to pay multi million bonuses to their intrepid 'big swinging dicks'. Little wonder then that Gordon Brown is now blowing hot and cold over the issue of bonus restraint.

Brown was the champion of the city from the early nineties onwards. In the financial markets he saw what all politicians adore: Pixie dust. He saw that the world around us no longer had to be defined by truth, but could be defined by perception. In the case of the financial markets, this perception meant one thing: confidence.

New Labour was the first party openly to believe that politics was just a form of marketing, simply a way of getting people to believe, a means of encouraging faith. The confidence of the financial markets chimed very well with that approach, because the financial markets were marketing writ large. Brown saw how over the seventies and eighties, corporate America and corporate Britain had lost power to the financiers such as Goldsmith and Milken who could move markets, intimidate companies and influence government.

Then in 1992, Soros showed that he could go one better and actually intimidate government. Brown at this point realised that huge cash flows could alter government policy and even beguile an electorate that increasingly wanted a way of getting rich quick. That is why Brown cosied up to the bankers and why he never urged restraint on the credit derivatives markets. Confidence was high and had to remain high for New Labour to prosper. And when confidence was no longer high, Labour's prospects sank.

But Gordon Brown dealt with all of that. He saved the world. After his hyperdermic injections of capital the economies of West - once close to collapse - are now soaring. And that is once again because reality is defined by perception, by confidence, not by what is really happening. The goose is laying its golden eggs again. So why restrain it?

Oh, fair enough, there is the question of some debt that needs to be repaid one day, but Gordon can probably find some way of shoving it 'off balance sheet' - Out of sight out of mind... Maybe some kind banker will help Brown flog this debt by creating a new type of funky 'Government Derivative', or a 'Collateralised Brown Obligation'. And then everyone in the City of London can carry on doing what they always did best: Jettisoning history and living like there was no tomorrow.

His Phoniest Hour

Prime Minister Gordon Brown dismissed claims today that he had forgotten the 70th anniversary of the outbreak of World War Two. Some are asking why Britain is not following the lead of Russia and Poland in commemorating a key moment in European history. There is speculation that Brown fears that he might be compared to Winston Churchill who was one of the greatest Prime Ministers and war leaders in British history. Brown's record is less impressive.

It is 70 years since Britain declared war on Germany, heralding the start of World War II. At 11am on September 3, 1939 the Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain broadcast the announcement on radio. Chamberlain of course was the man responsible for appeasing Hitler and is often characterised as a ditherer, something close to Mr Brown's heart. So perhaps unfavourable comparisons with both leaders were ultimately what encouraged him to overlook any commemoration.

That said, Mr Brown later set the record straight. "I was indeed afraid that I might be compared to Churchill, but not for the reasons that people suspect." A Brown aide proceeded to clarify this statement: No10, it seems, had learnt that yet another third rate revisionist had been "trying to flog his new book" by stating that Churchill was a deeply flawed monster, who was utterly wrong to push for war and should have continued down the path of the appeaser Chamberlain. Said the aide: "Mr Brown could never tolerate comparison with someone like that... A warmonger, that is."

Johnson defends skimming

Doctor Boris Johnson, staunch champion of the city of London has vigorously defended skimming, the multi million pound operation that he views as a key employer in the capital and that enables a trickle down of wealth from rich to poor. He was responding to Lord Turner's report last week that suggested a Tobin Tax should be levied on all bonuses. Commenting that the financial sector - which he described as an intermediate rather than an end product activity - had become too large, Turner condemned some financial innovation as "socially useless", questioning for example whether "the world would have been better off without any credit default swaps".

However Dr Johnson has hit back at Lord Turner, asking: "What is a flaming pinko doing running the FSA? People certainly have very short memories don't they? I should say so. Don't people remember the Bolsheviks? One day they were trying to curb the excesses of the bankers, the next they were pumping lead into members of the royal family."

Mr Johnson was not slow to point out that many people in the economy benefited from skimming. He suggested that were regulation on skimming actually to be decreased - either for credit card skimming or casino skimmming - the activity would then flourish, bringing much needed taxes into treasury coffers. "You ask the taxi driver, the celebrity chef, the diamond dealer, the super-car or yacht trader whether that wealth placed in the hands of a few people does not benefit the economy... And it's not just that. There is also a 'trickle down effect' via taxation. Many of the taxes that pay for your schools and hospitals, your roads and your police could well be funded in the future by an expanded 'skimming' industry. You might call skimming an intermediate activity, since it does not offer an end product, but that does not stop it allowing money to flow. And the flow of money is just what the economy needs right now!"

Doctor Johnson concluded by adding: "It is clear that when a man is tired of the City of London, he is tired of lies."

Perfidious Mr Bean

Prime Minister Gordon Brown today hit back at critics who accused him of 'double-dealing' over the release of Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, insisting that there had been "no cover up, no double-dealing, no deal for oil." The statement comes after an attack from the Former U.S. Justice Department official David Rivkin who had said: 'This is the kind of duplicitous behaviour that most people here do not expect from Britain.'

In a surprise move, Gordon Brown has fallen back on a time honoured and trusty 'off balance-sheet' defence. This is a defence that is more commonly used in economic or financial affairs. The term OBS has traditionally been seen as a way of allowing the Government to claim that it is not heavily in debt, because any debt that there is or might be is being stored off the country's economic balance sheet.

In the case of the Megrahi release, Brown has claimed that he was 'off balance sheet' with the truth. Lawyers and academics are currently evaluating this defence to see whether it holds up to serious scrutiny, but there are some on Gordon Brown's side who are giving it serious credence.

What Brown would claim in this instance is that ever since Scotland became semi independent - or devolved - it has effectively sat off Britain's political (and diplomatic) balance sheet. It would therefore be possible for England and Scotland to come to the same conclusions over issues such as the release of the Lockerbie Bomber, lucrative oil deals etc etc. without any recourse to, or evidence of collusion.

Mr Brown said: "New Labour is about nothing if it is not about contracting out responsibility, about asset stripping truth and about privatising the 'actualité'. Let the people of Britain and indeed the rest of the world understand that New Labour is the party of double-entry honesty."

Elsewhere, the former Home Secretary J.Smith has helpfully added that the Megrahi release, "Did not feel right." This earth-shattering and insightful statement has prompted commentators to ponder whether in fact she should soon return to Government - not simply as Home Secretary but perhaps as Prime Minister, so that she can instruct the British people - and anyone else who might be interested - as to what kind of double dealing and duplicity does actually 'feel right'.

Hulk Smash!

Disney and Marvel fans throughout the UK and Europe are trying to evaluate plans of a 'tie-in' between the two companies and No.10 Downing Street that will help to promote government policy across Britain, and perhaps even throughout Europe. Fans are divided on what the deal actually means and whether the proposals will dilute and irrevocably alter the Disney / Marvel brand. There are fears that by bringing deeply flawed characters such as 'Iron Man' Gordon Brown into the fold, the Disney / Marvel image will be jeopardised.

The PM and the Disney CEO appeared jointly on prime-time TV last night to announce the deal: "We believe that adding Downing Street to the Disney / Marvel portfolio of brands offers significant opportunities for long term growth and value creation." Gordon Brown added: "Take a deep breath, all your favorite Downing Street characters remain unchanged. We will still have 'Iron Man' (your humble PM) saving the world with his massive bank bail-out package, Spiderman (Lord Mandelson) dressed in his lycra bodysuit, weaving his tangled webs, The Incredible Hulk (John Prescott) charging to the rescue of the Labour Government in 2010, and Goofy and Donald Duck (David Miliband and Jack Straw) claiming that they have never heard of 'this Mr. Megrahi' or the rehabilitated villain Colonel Gaddafi.

In a 'souvenir' edition Tweet' the wife of the Prime Minister, Sarah Brown (Marvel Girl) tried to wrap proceedings up: "With great power comes great responsibility (Mandelman). Gordon will not let you down in your hour of need." However a Whitehall official was later forced to deny that the proposed 'tie-in' with Disney / Marvel in reality meant just more of the same old Mickey Mouse Government.

Azboooozzze

The Magistrates Association has apparently claimed that new powers to impose Drinking Banning Orders - dubbed "booze Asbos" - on people who behave anti-socially while drunk are nonsense. Police and councils in England and Wales will be able to seek such an order on anyone aged 16 and over, banning offenders from from pubs, bars, off-licences and named areas for up to two years or face a £2,500 fine.

Asbooze as they are to be called will be issued to anybody found to be slurring their words, walking with unsteady gait, sporting ruddy cheeks or behaving in an unduly amorous fashion towards their partner. It will not cover the other tendency generally associated with alcohol - violent or aggressive behaviour - as these are already covered by existing Asbo regulations.

Magistrates and politicians on both sides of the house are particularly concerned that Asbooze will hit them hard as they number amongst them some of the heaviest drinkers in the land. Politicians are especially hoping that there will be exemptions for them as it is considered part of their job to talk nonsense and display a range of inappropriate emotions. However the Home Secretary today issued a statement clarifying the situation: "Whaddya chalking about? I defry anyone tchoo... tyoo tell me I cun... I can, cun't have anozzer trink. Juss one more, one likkle trink... Oh, go on, pleasshhe."

A bridge too far

President Barack Obama, three former Presidents and a host of world leaders and luminaries yesterday attended the funeral of a legend of the past half century, Mary Jo Kopechne, the woman who lost her life when Edward Kennedy drove off Dike's bridge at Chappaquiddick.

Mary Jo will forever be associated with the tragic events of one night in 1969, when the phenomenon known to this day as the 'Kennedy Career' came crashing down in a moment of drunken folly. The events of this night were never fully understood, however one thing is known for sure: After the crash the 'salvage operation' never satisfactorily restored the 'Kennedy Career'.

People have to this day questioned why Teddy Kennedy abandoned the car with Mary Jo still inside, not returning for ten hours - by which time she had suffocated. However, it does appear that there was a simple and plausible explanation: Kennedy was obliged to contact the family lawyer, which for a Kennedy at least was the only appropriate thing to do in the circumstances. Similarly Kennedy showed contrition for the accident in true Kennedy style, never actually saying 'sorry' to her parents, but skillfully and considerately paying them $90,000 hush money.

We can only guess what Irish Catholic Kennedy actually said to his priest during confession. We can only guess that he actually went to confession. One key question still remains, however: After the events of that night in 1969 and after Kennedy's response to those events, will Senator Edward Kennedy go to Heaven or to Hell?

To Heaven of course - After all, he was a Kennedy.

Mamma Medium is the Message

Prime Minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi launched a withering attack on the British Broadcasting Corporation last night, calling the corporation's size and ambitions 'chilling' and claiming that they were effectively a 'land grab' on a beleaguered media market.

Companies controlled by the family of the Italian Prime Minister dominate Italian commercial television - with a 45% audience share and over 60% of total advertising sales. This is particularly significant in a country where Newspaper readership is relatively low. However Signor Berlusconi's main concern is that state sponsored broadcasting stands in the way of any benign and well-intentioned mogul's ambition to increase his monopoly and "give people what they want."

"People do not want to listen to state sponsored propaganda," said Mr Berlusconi, speaking at a Guardian lecture last night. "Trust the people. They want a diet of gossip and pornography, except of course when that gossip and pornography involves their beloved Prime Minister Silvio, who is a stranger to this kind of thing anyway. Similarly they want to pay for good quality television on demand; they are happy to increase the profits of my media empire... except of course those cowboys of the internet 'Wild West Country' who insist on downloading pirated content and denying me those profits."

"Isn't it time that we left the 'Wild West," he concluded "to those who know how to make it bear fruit? This is not the time nor place for 'happy homesteaders' staking their claim, nor power hungry politicians and state sponsored journalists engaged in an information 'land grab'. This is territory for pioneers, entrepreneurs such as myself who believe that 'pornography of the people, by the people for the people shall not perish from the earth."

Wrapping up the Guardian lecture Mr Berlusconi denied that this current attack on free, state sponsored news had anything to do with the fact that his corporation is about to move to paid-for news content across his empire.

Easybollocks

Conservative Barnet Borough Council has received wide coverage today for its plans to start running local services using the business model of budget airlines. It wants householders to pay extra to jump the queue for planning consents, in the way budget airlines charge extra for priority boarding. It is thought that the radical experiment could provide a blueprint for a David Cameron government.

The council leader, Mike Freer said that he wanted to persuade residents to do more to look after themselves and intends to forge a new relationship with the borough's citizens which will include an understanding that, as with budget airlines, the council will not automatically provide blanket coverage of services as it did before.

The council hopes to be able to replicate the general 'budget airline experience' in the way in which it organises its wider services such as housing and open-spaces, health, foods services in schools etc., and general quality of staff and services. Accordingly the 'no-frills' approach offers wide scope for cramped conditions, for increasing incidence of lifestyle illnesses such as deep vein thrombosis, low standards of catering, stinking 'conveniences', long waits, endless queues, grumpy staff and a generally disappointing experience.

"What we also hope," said a spokesman for the council, "is that we can adopt the business model in terms of pay and renumeration. We are pretty sure that whilst most of the staff will receive modest incomes, some wanker at the top will hoover up a fortune despite being generally unpleasant and loathed by staff and customers alike."

Familiarity breeds contempt

Commentators on all sides of the political spectrum are mourning the absence from the political scene of a giant of liberal left politics, who for many years now has kept the flickering flame of social democracy alive - Prime Minister Gordon Brown. Rumours of his demise, it is believed have been greatly exaggerated. Nevertheless, people are beginning to ask the question: "Where's Gordon?"

This 'giant' of New Labour has certainly had a chequered history; he was linked to various scandals and cover-ups over the years. But he always appeared to 'beat the rap', never more so than in the case of the infamous 'CDO' crash that involved a bunch of slick city conmen called the 'boiler room boys' and undoubtedly overshadowed the remainder of his political career. Although he denied all responsibility for the crash suspicions inevitably remained since he was at the helm at the time.

Some people are asking though whether his absence is a sign of something more sinister - a tactic know by the acronym CBAIF, or 'come back... all is forgiven'. Is it just possible that this extended absence has been engineered by Machiavellian supremo, Lord Mandelson, who assumes that people will ultimately 'miss Gordon when he's gone'. The logic here is that they might have got a taste of that sense of loss over the summer months when Gordon was nowhere to be seen.

And in keeping with this logic, the electorate is literally clammering for Gordon to return. "Please, please, please," said one tearful member of the public interviewed in Whitehall today, "Please come back, Gordon. Anything is better than Harriet the Harridan, Peter the Pirate, Dreary Darling, and Jack man of Straw who ran the country over the summer and were even more pointless and self-serving than you."

You are not watching Big Brother

Despite its public service remit, Channel Four has announced that it will only be screening one more series of the educational resource, Big Brother. Despite plaudits for its groundbreaking format, its witty banter and its philosophical musings on the nature of Daniella's Breasts, the viewing figures have plummeted to under two million, effectively making it a broadcasting basket case.

The move will bring consternation in some quarters and raise concerns that Channel Four is 'dumbing up'. A respected lecturer in 'Reality TV' from the University of Westfield has asked where the semi-literate and the brain dead will now achieve their fifteen minutes of farm. The programme has for some years now revealed to sociologists worldwide just how humans would behave if they were cooped up together for several weeks and treated like farmyard animals. We discover that, contrary to expectations, the contestants fall back on their inner resources, regularly quote Shakespeare and use philosophical reference points when contemplating the nature of their condition.

Ministers were asked to comment on whether the programme had had a positive effect on the outlook and attitudes of the nation as a whole. A spokesman for the Ministry of Drivel stated: "Of course it had a benign effect. It meant that ministers could communicate easily with the electorate using trite reference points such as 'We are repulsed by sexism in any way, shape or form and would officially condemn Mario's treatment of Nikki and his comments on her boob job.' It also meant that for a few sweet months in the summer there were people in this country who were ridiculed even more than us."