Easybollocks

Conservative Barnet Borough Council has received wide coverage today for its plans to start running local services using the business model of budget airlines. It wants householders to pay extra to jump the queue for planning consents, in the way budget airlines charge extra for priority boarding. It is thought that the radical experiment could provide a blueprint for a David Cameron government.

The council leader, Mike Freer said that he wanted to persuade residents to do more to look after themselves and intends to forge a new relationship with the borough's citizens which will include an understanding that, as with budget airlines, the council will not automatically provide blanket coverage of services as it did before.

The council hopes to be able to replicate the general 'budget airline experience' in the way in which it organises its wider services such as housing and open-spaces, health, foods services in schools etc., and general quality of staff and services. Accordingly the 'no-frills' approach offers wide scope for cramped conditions, for increasing incidence of lifestyle illnesses such as deep vein thrombosis, low standards of catering, stinking 'conveniences', long waits, endless queues, grumpy staff and a generally disappointing experience.

"What we also hope," said a spokesman for the council, "is that we can adopt the business model in terms of pay and renumeration. We are pretty sure that whilst most of the staff will receive modest incomes, some wanker at the top will hoover up a fortune despite being generally unpleasant and loathed by staff and customers alike."