A Hadron a day keeps reality at bay - Chapter One

The Good Lord sent A and E packing. And boy, was he livid? But, you know, he was a kindly old fellow and he made sure they didn’t leave empty handed.

“Call this a golden handshake,” he said as he saw them off.

“Golden what?” asked E

“Bit like a goody bag.”

“Oh, I like goody bags,” said E

“I know. You women were put on Earth to like, like er...” He stopped mid-sentence – didn’t want to cause offence.

He held aloft two cool-looking gadgets – the like of which A and E had never seen. He grinned. “You know, I’m not just that boring old guy with a beard, who invents people and dogs and donkeys and peyote and turnips and sheep and mountains and Bolivian marching powder and people and...”

“You already said people.” Said E

“Yes. I did, didn’t I?”

“Did you mention Peyote?” asked A

“For crying out loud, numbnuts.” shouted E. “He mentioned peyote. Like, er, right after donkeys?”

“Ok, keep your hair on,” replied A

“Bloody people,” whispered the Lord. “Knew I was biting off more than I could chew when I created people.”

“Anyway, as I was saying, these are what people will call gadgets in years to come. They will arrive in large numbers from the Orient and lives will come to depend on them.”

To E he handed an Apple computer. “It’s a prototype, as you can probably tell. Ain’t she a beaut? These are going to sell like hot cakes one day. You’ll see.”

“And what precisely am I to do with this Apple, as you’ve so humorously named it?”

The Good Lord smirked. “You can do what you like with it, love... But essentially, it’s a bit like what you have up there in your noddle.” He tapped his own furrowed brow. “It’s a processing centre. It helps you think, it helps you get things done. Gives you more time for daytime TV.”

“Great, just what I need,” she replied somewhat ambiguously.

“My one piece of advice to you is this: Use it wisely and it will bring you much succour. But use it foolishly... and it will prove to be a double edged sword. For, as easily as it can improve life, so can it destroy it.”

E snatched the Apple from Him with very little grace nor gratitude and tucked it under her arm.



A, by now impatient, coughed loudly and asked, “And my gadget, Lord?”

“Yes, well, this one is even weirder,” replied the Lord. “Not sure quite how to describe it. But let’s just say that it could potentially read MY own mind.” The Lord then shook his head in disbelief, grunted and thought: what am I letting myself in for?

A was exuberant. “Coooo-oooo-oool!” he said in his time honoured fashion. "Read your bloody mind!"

“Not my words exactly... But that’s how clever marketers might be able to pitch it in years to come.”

“Friggin’ A,” he said.



The Good Lord sent them on their way and as he did so, he said once again. “Now remember. Use these gadgets wisely and resourcefully, my children. That is all I ask.”

A and E wondered off into the sunset, and as they did so they cussed and swore and did frequently take the Good Lord’s name in vain, as was their want.

“Jeeees-us!” said E. “What a jerk that guy was... What the f- are we going to do with these so-called gadgets, for crying out loud?”

“Oh, don’t worry my love....” replied A in his meek and humble way. “We’ll think of something... I’m sure.”

But in truth, neither he nor she had the slightest idea.

Faith Value

Following reports this week that public forums on the website, Dawkins.net, have been closed, there has been a swift response to one of the questions that had caused a problem: How do I persuade religious believers to believe in black holes?

Question - "This question has two parts. It's to do with your average, poorly educated member of society. He’s the kind of guy who could believe in anything and everything. But for now let's just say he believes in God. So first, how do I, a physics teacher, get that kind of individual to take on board esoteric ideas like "black holes" and "wave-particle duality", when - and this is key - the mathematical proofs behind those ideas are beyond the reach of ordinary folk? And second, if I ever do get this guy to grasp these ideas, how can I really be sure that his grasp is actually what we call knowledge?”

Answer - “Well, we all need faith in some things.”

Hardwired to get really wired

Research revealed in the Sunday Times today suggests that human beings might be hardwired to believe in Richard Dawkins. The idea has emerged from studies of the way the human mind behaves during heated debates about religion and evolution. Scientists think that humans are born with a tendency in such situations to display self-righteous indignation, especially when confronted with views of the natural world that conflict with their own.

Bryce Hoodwink, Professor of developmental randomness at the University of Bristols apparently believes that children display a "natural intuitive way of reasoning that leads them to all kinds of supernatural beliefs. Never mind that fact that their parents tell them that there are such things as Father Christmas and Tooth Fairies. If their parents didn't them these things they'd make them up anyway."

Professor Hoodwink believes that the same goes for God and Richard Dawkins. "School children don't believe in one guy or the other because their parents or teachers have told them to believe in them. Oh no. If God and Dawkins weren't mentioned even once throughout their lives, kids would simply have to make them up. The fact of the matter is that we all need something to believe in."

However a spokeperson for the Department of Disbelief today stated: "Struth! You couldn't make it up, could you? If we are all hardwired to believe in Richard Dawkins or even in God for that matter, then who exactly was it who put the wiring there in the first place? That's what I would like to know. Was it God or Richard Dawkins? These people make me laugh... For crying out loud, some people nowadays wonder whether Richard Dawkins is bigger than Jesus... But then that is what they once wondered about the Beatles, didn't they?"