The funny side of quantitative easing

The anniversary of Weimar Germany seems as good a time as any to rehash an old joke about an old joke.  This one is set in ‘recessionary times’ during the middle ages. People are desperate for new ways to drum up business. In one village the goatherd, Bob, isn’t very happy. He sold a goat to Bill, who is licensed to print money. He walks into his office.

Bob: I want my goat back. You gave me ‘One Goat Pound’, and I believed that this pound really was worth one goat.

Bill: Well it was at the time of the exchange. So, what’s the problem?

Bob: Well, you then printed more ‘Goat Pounds’ without any goats actually passing hands, and then you used them to pay off your debts to Jim, who you ‘ad two chickens off of, and Ivor who had given you his entire turnip crop.

Bill: And very pleased they were too. Business is moving again as a result. Ivor and Jim have been out buying bread and the like, and Ed the baker bought more flour. And so on… People have money in their pockets again.

Bob: And you are doing very nicely out of it too, I bet. But our pound notes won’t buy goats anymore…What if I’d done the same to you and started printing goats? You wouldn’t have been happy.

Bill: Well, you can’t print goats, so piss off.

Bob: Bill, I took your ‘Goat Pound’ on trust. And you have broken that trust. And now I have lost my goat.

Bill: Well, you know what they say, don't you? Easy come, easy goat.



(Please note, this is not the anniversary of Weimar Germany. If you are approached by anyone claiming otherwise, please call our hotline and leave a message after the tone.)

Exclusive extracts from "The Devil and Downing Street."

The Prime Minister and Lord Mandelson have been interviewed by broadcaster Nicky Campbell for an edition of The Heaven and Earth Show, now being dubbed "The Twilight of the Gord". The extract below says a lot about the mood at No.10


Campbell: So, Prime Minister do you pray before going to bed?

Prime Minister: Yes I do, Nicky. In fact, as someone who has always championed diversity, I pray to a number of deities - although normally just God and the Devil.

Nicky Campbell: (Shocked) The Devil, Prime Minister? You're kidding?

Prime Minister: No, I'm not. I am the Prime Minister and my task is important enough to justify it. Every night I pray to God and the Devil. I ask: Help me destroy my enemies and rule this nation with a rod of iron.

Nicky Campbell: I see...

Lord Mandelson: (Looks worried) If I can just step in... Gordon was not saying that he prays to the Devil as such. More that he has some tough calls to make in this job. Sometimes he must be merciless. Put it another way: The end justifies the means. Isn't that right, Gordon?

Prime Minister: Yes, indeed. Matters not to me whether it is God or the Devil. Just that they crush my enemies. And of course, they both have form in this area.

Nicky Campbell: Perhaps. But people will be a little shocked that you pray to the Devil, won't they?

Lord Mandelson: Listen, we shouldn't be getting hung up on this Devil business.

Nicky Campbell: Frankly, Lord Mandelson, I think that most Christians might get hung up.

Lord Mandelson: Gordon was simply using a turn of phrase.

Nicky Campbell: Were you, Prime Minister? Sounded like more than that.

Lord Mandelson: (Interrupting) Look, Gordon has a tough job running this country. Sometimes you have to crack eggs to make that omelette, yeah? Fine, so we know that God can be pretty mean, when he wants to be. But Gordon just wants to make sure that he has every weapon he can in his armoury. In other words, every possible er,... contender. Understood?

Prime Minister: Right, Peter. Absolutely. I will, if needs be, slash and pulverise those who stand in my way, I will torch the opposition front benches, I will grind down those politicians and journalists who brief against me and scorch the earth on which they tread. I'll show no mercy as I flatten and...

Lord Mandelson: OK Gordon, that's fine for now. (Whispers) Some of those tasks are mine, remember.

Prime Minister: Yes, of course, Peter.

Lord Mandelson: (Still whispering) Why don't you try accentuating the positive? You know, dish out a bit of positive spin, positive gloss. Tell how you saved the banks, why don't you?

Prime Minister: Saved the world, Peter. Saved the world.

Lord Mandelson: (Wearily) Yes, Gordon. Saved the world.

Prime Minister: Yes, Nicky, on the positive side, I scraped together what little wealth this country still had and with all my courage and determination, I chucked it all on red.

Lord Mandelson: You bailed out the banks, Gordon, don't you mean?

Prime Minister: Yes, of course. I bailed out the banks. And in doing so I saved the world. Now, on that particular occasion, I prayed to the Devil and to Mammon. I'm not saying, by the way, that bankers do the Devil's work. Or Mammon's for that matter.

Nicky Campbell: Even though in fact they probably do.

Prime Minister: Yes, even though they probably do. And yes, as a Labour Prime Minister I had reservations about the bail-out, I can tell you. But then I had a revelation: Bankers were also doing my, I mean, God's work.

Nicky Cambell: How so?

Prime Minister: The banks were in a position to prop up an ailing Labour government, create the illusion of wealth, the semblance of activity, and, most important of all, they could redefine, rebrand, hide our debt. They reinvented the balance sheet for New Labour. They let Labour achieve goals that once seemed impossible. We could spend, spend, spend like there was no tomorrow, whilst appearing to be prudent. And that is why I prayed to the Devil and Mammon... and, as always, God. All three of us working together in harmony.

Lord Mandelson: And if that isn't synergy, if that isn't win-win, what is?

Nicky Campbell: But, isn't that really a case of the ends and the means becoming indistinguishable?

Prime Minister and Lord Mandelson: (Together) We'll worry about that kind of detail. Nicky. You ask the ethical questions.

Nicky Campbell: I thought I was, actually, gents... Anyway, I must say, this is a revelation. We'll have to see how our viewers respond. Praying to the Devil... (Pauses, then addressing Lord Mandelson again) And turning to you Lord Mandelson. You kindly agreed to come on this programme alongside the PM. You're clearly interested in the ethical dimensions of politics. So... Who do you pray to, to help you perform your vanquishings, or conversely, your win-wins? (Chuckles) Do you also pray to the same Pantheon, to God and the Devil?

Lord Mandelson: Nicky, you've seen me making things happen, both in Westminster and, before that, in the European parliament? You have seen the respect that I command both here and abroad, have not you?

Nicky Campbell: Of course.

Lord Mandelson: So, don't you think that it is a bit of a strange question to be asking me? WHO do I pray TO?

Nicky Campbell: I'm sorry, I'll re-phrase it. To whom do you pray?

Lord Mandelson: (Shaking his head) Oh dear, oh dear. Nicky. Wakey, wakey? Do I pray? To anybody? Hello?

Nicky Campbell: Oh, I think I see. You don't do the praying?

Lord Mandelson: I should hope not.

Nicky Campbell: Sorry, I should have asked: So,who prays to...

Lord Mandelson: (Cuts in swiftly) Nicky... I don't think you really need to ask that question anymore, do you? I think we know the answer.

Nicky Campbell: Yes, I think we do, Lord Mandelson.

Prime Minister: (Glum) I think we do.

Health Warning!

The public is being told to avoid the Amis-Ford-Hitchens altercation. This display of 'animosity' is simply an attempt to win peer group recognition. In order to dominate the hierarchy, these creatures must fight one another in a public ritual that to outsiders appears terrifyingly real. It is in fact nothing of the sort. Genuine spats are never conducted so openly. And the proximity of "The Guardian" is evidence that the contest is purely attention seeking. Members of the public are warned to keep their distance from all such rituals, as they can lead to drowsiness and, in rare instances, coma. The phenomenon will pass rapidly if denied the oxygen of publicity.

The root of all politics

(The Schools Secretary, Ed Balls, is on Radio 4 explaining why schools should be allowed to preserve the right to teach their pupils about sex and relationships in accordance with their own religion despite new legislation making sex education compulsory.)


Humphreys: So, Mr Balls, if the government takes this issue seriously enough to make it compulsory, why the exemption?

Balls: John, this is about the need for a policy on sex education.

Humphreys:  On compulsory sex education. Isn't that the point?

Balls: Not really John. This is simply about having a policy. This government passionately believes in policies.

Humphreys: Yes, and we've had a lot of them over the years. And this particular one is compulsory in schools.

Balls: Yes.

Humphreys: So why not faith schools?

Balls: Because what really matters is that there is a policy.

Humphreys: No matter what that policy is?

Balls: Well yes, it does matter what it is. And faith schools have a very clear policy. They don't want to teach sex education. But that is still a policy.

Humphreys: Well, of sorts. But one based on religious belief.

Balls: We're well-disposed towards religious beliefs. Remember: Labour owes more to Methodism than Marxism.

Humphreys: This is not just Methodism. This is all religious organisations.

Balls: Yes, but that is a secondary issue. For us, the point of policy is policy. We must set the agenda, create a policy platform, if you like. That is why we're in power. It's what power is all about.

Humphreys: So its all about power now is it? And no doubt you want to stay in power. And that means not ruffling too many feathers.

Balls: No one wants to ruffle too many feathers.

Humphreys: And so what is the object of this power then?

Balls: That should be clear by now, John. Just as the object of policy is policy, so the object of power is power.

Humphreys: Really?

Balls: Yes, John. We have been in power thirteen years. I don't need to tell you that. Do I?

Humphreys: So in fact this whole debate isn't really about sex, or sex education at all, is it, Minister?

Balls: I suppose not, John. Not entirely.

Humphreys: It's really just about power. That's all you care about. Staying in power.

Balls: Not all we care about. But you can't do anything without power.

Humphreys: (Ponders) So then, in a roundabout sort of way...? Maybe sex does come in to this debate in the end.

Balls: Sorry John?

Humphreys: Well, they say, do they not, that power is the best aphrodisiac.

Balls: Yes, John. And you know what? We have a policy on that too.

Humphreys: I'm sure you do, Minister.

Bullying: What they are saying

David Cameron - Did New Labour put an end to fagging? I don't know. You'll have to ask them. What I do know is that Brown looks the kind of fellow who could do with a damn good thrashing now and again.

Ed Balls - I can't remember the last time I threatened to kick the shit out of anybody. My wife takes care of that kind of thing nowadays.

Harriet Harman - Can I just make it very clear that there is a wealth of difference between bullying and the kind of pressure a working mum has to put on her partner in order to make the relationship work. I'm sure my husband Jack would agree.

Tony Benn - Well, of course m'father introduced me to a number of famous bullies: Lloyd George, Herbert Morrison, Mosley. And I worked with one or two m'self - Ernie Bevin and Jim Callaghan, to name but two. And y'know what? To a man they said to me "This is going to hurt me more than it will you." And they were right, y'know.

Ann Widdecombe - The Catholic Church should never have dispensed with torture. All it's led to is an orgy of sado-masochism and self-pity. Of course you'll get bullying if you're always telling people that they must 'turn the other cheek'.

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GordWeb will create a network of interactive screens and cameras situated in every town, city and vehicle across the UK. Wherever you are you'll see Gord announce his latest policy initiatives. Amazingly, you'll be able to offer feedback at any time of the day or night, via pin-drop sensitive, high-definition cameras mounted nearby. Of course, the response from No10 will not be immediate. Following Home Office examination, No10 will respond, in most instances, via your mobile phone - which will also be connected to the network.

And here's the great bit: Since the package carries the government's Responsible Technology Warrant, users will automatically qualify for a range of citizenship privileges. These will include "priority user" access to essential local and central government services (see leaflet for details), exemption from a range of statutory government databases, plus a whole host of discounts on government-approved mobile technology and neighbourhood surveillance systems.

Responsible citizenship is simply a click a way! Order now and show that In Gord you trust!

(GordWeb is a public-private partnership, developed and administered by Govsurv UK Ltd, part of Govsurv Consortium Worldwide PLC.)

Neo-Liberal Laboratory

Transcript -

(Nick Clegg and Vince Cable have been discussing the implications of a hung parliament and the kind of coalition they might join.)

Nick: We really need to think ahead, Vince. We need a working title, a name. One that says: We'll be calling the shots.

Vince: Isn't it a bit early to worry about that kind of thing, Nick? The actual election should be our primary concern right now.

Nick: Bit early, Vince? Not really. This is crucial. A coalition is the only way we'll ever get our hands on power. That we know. I believe we must set the agenda for that coalition early on, before the election, by constructing some kind of a narrative, some kind of pitch... Before the other parties try to hijack it.

Vince: Hijack it?

Nick: Hijack the agenda. In the event of a hung Parliament, they'll be out there briefing and spinning, telling everyone what a coalition can achieve - whilst basically pushing their own agenda. We must get in there first. Give people our perspective - and this is the point - before the election's begun. Look it can't hurt at least to consider what that narrative should be? Can it? Prepare a vision?

Vince: I suppose, maybe not... You've obviously given this some thought. So what exactly have you come up with so far?

Nick: Okay, so it was actually the name that I considered first. I thought, how do we convey something positive, something that says this is a good thing for the country, not just some cobbled together deal. And I thought... how about calling it the 'Coalition of the Willing?'

Vince: (Uneasy) Not sure about that. Echoes of the Iraq war. Bit of a risky one, don't you think?

Nick: Ah, that's what you might think at first. But who is actually going to war? We're not, that's for sure. However, the name will remind people of an unpopular policy that we opposed. So that's good.

Vince: I see. Yes... well, perhaps it could work if you were to look at it like that... Its all down to the detail ultimately. Are you able to fill me in on that at all?

Nick: Yes, Vince. I was thinking, why not adopt the best of what the old Labour and the old Conservative parties had to offer. It would make us more attractive to the grass roots supporters of both parties - The guys who have felt let down over recent years and want someone to listen.

Vince: I see. In principle it sounds a smart move, but how would Liberals achieve that? Can you be more specific? What do you mean by the best?

Nick: Right, now here's the really important part, I reckon. What was it more than anything else that used to distinguish the two main parties, something you don't get nowadays?

Vince: (Chuckles) I suppose that they were actually different.

Nick: Precisely.

Vince: (Surprised). Oh, sorry, I was being facetious. I thought that was too obvious. (Composing himself) But, yes, it is a serious point too, I admit. And what are you saying? We would be offering something different?

Nick: Got it in one... But more than that: our 'Coalition of the Willing' will in fact be different precisely because everything is so similar nowadays. I know that sounds like sophistry but I am just trying to develop a strategy.

Vince: I see where you're coming from, Nick. But slight problem: This is the Liberal Democratic Party. This isn't what liberals, small or large L, do, surely? We'd effectively be adopting the New Labour and the New Conservative consensus approach to politics whilst, paradoxically, embracing the polarised politics that they'd abandoned.

Nick: Bit of a mouthful that, eh, Vince? Sure we can find something snappier. And don't worry, we will. But the point is, through our 'Coalition of the Willing' we can do what the other two parties cannot possibly do anymore.

Vince: And what's that, Nick?

Nick: Shift sideways. They have moved so much to the centre, that they cannot go any further.

Vince: I see, Nick. So we are shifting our political standpoint? That is what you're saying?

Nick: Well, we're going to have to anyway if we join a coalition. So let's start getting used to that fact right here.

Vince: What are you saying. Moving left? Right?

Nick: Doesn't have to be left or right. Could be left and right.

Vince: That sounds like political schizophrenia, Nick.

Nick: No, Vince. It is all about playing the two sides off against one another. Oldest game in the book.

Vince: Oh its a game, is it?

Nick: (Frowns) Where have you been? It is a game of sorts.

Vince: Is it a solution? That's what concerns me.

Nick: Of course. Left and Right have been invading our territory for years. But here, we will be able to play left and right off against each other because neither has anywhere to go, no more territory to invade.

Vince: Okay, Nick. All very sophisticated, at least in theory. And I am wondering where these ideas are coming from. Hours of reading? Smoke filled rooms?

Nick: (Shrugs) Nothing that new, you'll find.

Vince: But leaving all of that aside... I'm still not sure whether it is really liberal, be it small or large L.

Nick: Well ok then maybe it is time for a brand new name for the party as well.

Vince: What? A name to replace LibDems? I'm not sure that's worth embarking upon, Nick. Not now at least.

Nick: It is and I'll tell you why. We must show people that we are still liberal, but with a slight name change, we will also be offering this new narrative?

Vince: (Looking weary, the penny drops.) And so have you by any chance decided what that name might be, Nick?

Nick: I have indeed, Vince.

Vince: And will you enlighten me?

Nick: Of course, Vince. I'd love to. The new name will be... well, how about The New Liberal Party?

Vince: (Sighs) Yes, Nick. Funnily enough, I thought it might be something like that. And that will encapsulate everything that we have just been talking about, will it?

Nick: Indeed it will, Vince. Indeed it will.

Breaking (Update): Brown asks Rawnsley "do you want some?"

The storm generated by the publication of Andrew Rawnsley's new book, The End of the Party, has taken a dramatic turn. Rumours are sweeping Westminster that Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said to Rawnsley "Do you want to get involved? You hard enough?"
More as it breaks....

Breaking News: No.10 staff deny head-butting Prime Minister | Mandelson election planning

Number 10 staff have been forced to deny that they regularly head-butted Gordon Brown's fist. A new book about Brown claims that staff at Number 10 regularly bullied the Prime Minister, ridiculing his 'clunking fist' and even head-butting it on more than one occasion... More Later....

Also, Lord Mandelson has revealed that the 2010 general election will be the slickest ever held. "Labour's operational planning will be so sophisticated, so efficient that people will wonder for some time to come whether there really ever was an election..."

New Labour, Reloaded

Douglas Alexander, Labour's election campaign co-ordinator today unveiled the party's new operating system. Labour has in recent years received a barrage of complaints about its 'clunky software' that regularly seizes up and crashes, frequently leaving the user unable to work, frustrated and out of pocket. Alexander hopes the release of the operating system will demonstrate that the party deserves a fourth term, on the basis that 'this time we won't screw up the IT'.

"Essentially, we know that we deserve a fourth term. And deep down so do the British people. We have much work still to do - like consolidating power. To quote Gordon, when he was asked for his assessment of the New Labour Project: "It is too early to say. Ask me again at the end of our ninth term. Although it will be too early then as well."

"Historically Labour has used technology as a form of control. And we always will. Forever and ever." he said. He went on to discuss election strategy: "We learnt from studying Obama's campaign how to use technology to empower your supporters. And that is what we want: To empower the people to support Labour."

Asked whether Labour's approach to technology smacked of 'Big Brother', Alexander replied: "The only 'Big Brother' that gets discussed in Labour circles is the reality TV show." He then added, "There is nothing to worry about - assuming you are innocent, that is. And anyway, we'll probably lose all the information in the post."

He concluded: "Don't call us, we'll be watching you."

Breaking News - Bank Exodus

Mayor Boris Johnson's worst fears were realised last night when it was confirmed that an investment banker has moved to Switzerland. Mayor Johnson had been warning for some time that new taxes would spark a frantic exodus from the City of London as bankers headed for "the charms of yodelling, cuckoo clocks and the sparkling dreariness of the Swiss."

The banker, Rudi Euler, who works in 'stock lending' and actually originates from Zurich said, "My bosses say they won't pay me more money because I am always making errors. Then the tax man takes what little that I have. So I am quitting and returning home."

Mayor Boris said, "This is our worst nightmare. Bankers have said for some time now that they would leave these shores if they had to pay new taxes. We must listen to them. These chaps are not crying wolf, you know. Except, of course, for the ones who are."

Public Private Partnership

(Cabinet meeting ends. The Foreign Secretary approaches the PM.)

FS: Prime Minister, wonder if I could have a word with you.

PM: Can't stop now.

FS: It is a matter of some delicacy. Need to get something off my chest.

PM: What is it?

FS: (Cautiously) I'm sorry to say that I've been... I've been sleeping with your wife.

PM: No, no, no. For God's sake! This isn't right.

FS: I know, Prime Minister. And all I can say is how sorry...

PM: No, I mean, this is not how I find out.

FS: I don't follow.

PM: Why has this not been leaked, man?

FS: Leaked? But, I thought....

PM: I don't care what you thought. You know the procedure. The first I should hear of this is via a third party. You don't tell me this kind of thing to my face.

FS: Oh, I see. Are you saying, I leak it? And that is how you find out?

PM: Of course, man. I shouldn't have to tell you that. And while we're at it, what of Anne? How does she intend to tell me?

FS: How?

PM: Yes, how, you idiot? Will I find out through an intimate, sofa based chat with Fearne Britton, or with Piers Morgan, or possibly Kirsty Wark - I hear she's trying to break into this kind of thing nowadays?

FS: (Puzzled) I see. I'm not sure. I had assumed Anne, I mean your wife, would come clean, this evening.

PM: Come clean? Sorry, is this some kind of a joke? Enlighten me. What is 'come clean'?

FS: I suppose, what I am getting at is... She'll tell it as it is, to your face.

PM: Where have you been? (Grabs the Home Secretary who is hovering nearby). Moment of your time, Al.

HS: Yes, Prime Minister?

PM: Right, can you tell me, Al, what you think of my wife? And please give me the so-called 'straight answer'.

HS: (Awkwardly) Prime Minister... I desperately want to sleep with your wife. I am head over heels in love with her and long to dress her in lace and be tied...

PM: (Grimaces) Yes, that will do, Al... Right, now how would I get to hear about your seedy fantasies?

HS: Well, I suppose that... Andrew Marr would interview me next Sunday. After a long discussion on the subject of ID cards, he will slip in a question - he'll ask whether I want to sleep with your wife and perform certain, shall we say, acts with her. I will naturally reply: "The Prime Minister has a lovely wife who is pure of heart. I can without hesitation say that I have no designs on her at the current time, and moreover I have no knowledge of the acts that you describe."

PM: Very good. Thanks, Al. Talk later, if that's ok. (The Home Secretary nods and leaves the room. The PM turns to the FS.) See. He knows how its done.

FS: Well, yes, of course, I do understand... but, you know, I thought that when it came to one's private life, it was a little more... er...

PM: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. You've spent far too long in the Foreign Office, haven't you? You need to move with the times, you really do! Let me remind you: Correct procedure will be followed at ALL times, and I mean ALL times. Is that clear? No allowances to be made for one's 'private life', whatever that is.

FS: So sorry, Prime Minister. I understand. How foolish of me.

PM: OK, now go and do this properly. (Foreign Secretary nods and nervously leaves the room. PM smiles then calls after him). And just one other thing.

FS: (Looking back) Yes, Prime Minister?

PM: Since on this one occasion we have thrown all caution to the winds, I may as well tell you now that I will be recording an interview with Piers Morgan later this week. He will be asking me some very, very searching questions on the subject of my private life... about possible marital difficulties. He'll also ask whether there is any truth whatsoever in the rumour that my Foreign Secretary is about to resign - and leave the Cabinet for good... I will, of course, look sombre, but reply that there is no truth in any of these allegations - and that what we should really be discussing is this party's vision for a fourth term. I will add: It is not the role of politicians to address these kind of issues in the public arena.