Second Sex

The diary of a polyglot call-girl, continued

"I encounter a problem with 'Giscard' (for want of a better name). I'd counted six jalapenos in. But when it comes to their removal, I count only five jalapenos out. He asks, why the pained expression, and I explain.

He shrugs and tells me that it is an occupational hazard. "When you do this kind of thing, you know... shit happens, as they say."

I chuckle and then pick up on the occupational bit. I finally pluck up the courage to ask why he is here in Cambridge. Is he an academic? His reply makes my heart sink.

"I am to take up a post as Lecturer in Modern French Literature. My specialisation is the post war feminist perspective."

"Oh my God! But that is one of my courses," I cry. My heart is racing.

"I worked that out just now," he says. "I noticed your essay on De Beauvoir."

"I don't believe it!" I reply. "But that is just too much of, of..."

"Of a coincidence?" He says. "Perhaps not. I was intrigued by your pen name, in the advertisement - Castor."

"Ah, I see."

"I wondered, could it be possible? Could this be a student who is reading de Beauvoir?"

"How embarrassing."

"Not really. When I was at the Sorbonne, I fuck my students all the time."

His sudden candour unsettles me. "I see." I reply hesitantly. "But not... not for money, I guess."

"Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes for the presents, sometimes for the, how should I say? Wisdom? But anyway none of this matters. I always enjoy it. They always enjoy it."

"I see."

"But the question I like to ask is this: By doing this, what you do, this job, do you then become the woman, as in...?"

"No, no, no." I insist. "This is strictly to pay my way through University. I am not trying to prove or disprove anything in... in de Beauvoir."

"Of course not," he replies. "But maybe you could prove something if you want..." He struggles for a moment, trying to find the words.

"Yes?"

There is a look of relief on his face. "I think I find the sixth jalapeno."

I laugh nervously, then continue, "You were going to say?"

He sits up straight. "I was going to say that, maybe if you write these experiences down, like this blogger they call Belle de Jour... and then you publish these experiences, then you can ask yourself what kind of woman are you becoming?"

But sadly I don't have the opportunity to answer him. Because at this point the doorbell rings. "Oh, fuck!" I cry. "That's my next client."

He looks shocked. "So soon?"

"Yes, it's a busy night... Listen, you've got to, got to go. Like quick. Thing is... you could be seen. You better hide in the communal loo, the one on the landing. I'll, I'll buzz him in... The problem is, otherwise, if he sees you... He might just possibly recognise you."

"Yes? Really?" he says shocked.

"Yes, really, really. It's only bloody well my Director of Studies for French Lit..."

"Yes?"

"Yes. Doctor Bertrand."

"Zut Alors! Bertrand? He is here?"

to be continued...

By guest blogger Campus Courtesan

Homme Toujours

Tomorrow our very own 'campus courtesan' will continue her account of life on the game as an undergraduate student. And I think that you will find it gripping.

But today we want to offer the other perspective - that of the 'trick' who is prepared to pay for sex. Today's blogger calls himself 'Homme Toujours'. He describes himself as a professional, married man with mild cocaine, codeine and valium dependencies. And he is also happy to admit that he pays weekly visits to prostitutes in the Bloomsbury area of London. This is his contribution:

"I always head for Bloomsbury, an area packed with student prostitutes. I've always preferred hookers with degrees, or at least those studying for degrees. Not only is the conversation better, but the sex is more adventurous: These ladies have read stuff like de Sade and are pretty open minded.

Tonight I'm on my way to someone called Arabella, and she describes herself as a third year English with Drama student. I imagine that, because she must surely aspire to becoming an actress, this probably makes her a glamourous twenty something who fancies herself as an Ophelia or a Juliet. I also wonder whether the drama angle might offer some 'value-added' when it comes to role play. I hope so.

I creep furtively down to the basement of a four story Victorian terrace house near Gower Street and ring once. The door opens and a mature woman appears. I presume that she is the madam. She leads me through the dimly lit flat to the bedroom and asks me what I want. It now dawns on me that she actually is Arabella. "For some reason, I had you down as younger," I say, hoping that she won't take offence. "You know, being a student and all that."

"Yes?" she replies. "Well I am a mature student."

"I see," I say. "Well there's never a right or wrong time to start studying, I suppose."

Then I realise that she looks familiar, very, very familiar indeed. The penny drops - she is the spitting image of the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. This is not what I imagined at all. And I certainly cannot see her as an Ophelia, or a Juliet for that matter. Her academic pursuits must be just that - academic - I decide.

I sit on the edge of the bed for a while, trying to think long and hard about what I actually want. Then I decide that I have to pop the question. "I hope that you do not mind my saying. But you do bear a remarkable resemblance to the German Chancellor, you know, Angela Merkel."

And she gives me a withering look and then says, "Yes, didn't you know? That is exactly why the gentlemen come to see me."

to be continued....

Rogue twaddle

Gordon Brown's son has denied that the garbled 'tweet' on his mother Sarah's account was sent by him. It was originally assumed that the three year old had sent the incoherent rant about David Cameron. But it transpires that the Prime Minister, who is prone to unintelligible tirades, sent the message. It is also denied that the 'tweet' was simply a cheap publicity stunt designed to raise awareness of the danger of cheap publicity stunts...

Campus Courtesan

The Art Tsar, Lord Cheese has asked us to postpone publication of his piece on conceptual art. This is pending our own internal enquiries into a spiteful email campaign recently perpetrated by one of our own moderators. In its place we have decided to post another one of the 'people's blogs'. This one was sent in yesterday by a student calling herself 'Campus Courtesan'. It is an obvious attempt to cash in on the popularity of 'Belle de Jour'. And despite its occasionally left-field approach, we decided that it was worth publishing - if only to reflect the lengths students have to go to nowadays in order to complete their studies.

"The new guy arrives as I'm polishing off my essay on de Beavoir's Second Sex. I buzz him in and tell him to wait in the lobby. I figure he can sit there for a few minutes while I finish my work. It's ok to make a guy wait for de Beauvoir. Just think about how long women have been waiting for men...

I chuck on a silk wrap and tiptoe downstairs. The first thing I see is a bald pate and a strikingly prominent nose. Then I notice his long delicate fingers resting daintily on his lap. He looks up at me and I immediately know I've seen that face. My head spins, then I think he is the spitting image of the ex-French President, Valery Giscard d'Estaing. But it can't be him. What would Giscard being doing here in Cambridge? I suppose it's possible that he's visiting academics, perhaps the deconstructivists at King's. They are very much into French philosophy.

He stands up and smiles elegantly. He's clearly a man of class, of breeding. I greet him and want to tell him I recognise him. I can't do that of course; I can't make him feel uncomfortable.

But then, as though he knows what's on my mind, he says. "I know what you're thinking, and I'm not who you think I am. All the girls think I am who you think I am. But I am not him."

And yet, the accent is French as well. How much of a coincidence is that? Poor guy, he must get this all the time. And I tell him, "It can't help that you're French and you look like, you know, who you do look like."

He replies, "Yes, it does not help. And why do you think I can only ever visit les femmes when I am in out-of-the-way places like this? And then, even here it appears that I am mistaken for the great man, n'est ce pas?"

"In a south of England university town it's hardly surprising. Most people would know of the man you resemble. It could be different somewhere much further north like Aberdeen... Not that I'm saying that they wouldn't know, of course."

He looks a little confused and I decide that the conversation is starting to sound a bit surreal. So I lead him upstairs and take him into my bedroom.

"So what is it you're into?"

He opens his briefcase and brings out a pair of handcuffs and a jar of jalapeno peppers.

And I say: "I think I probably get the idea... I handcuff you and then insert the peppers..."

He stops me mid-sentence by putting his finger to his lips and quietly whispering, "Shhh..." He is nodding gently.

And, as we undress I am thinking to myself how funny it would be if he really was visiting academics, the deconstructivists at Kings. I wonder what they'd make of a man resembling the ex President of France turning up to see a lady of the night in Cambridge and wanting to be handcuffed and have jalapeno peppers inserted where the sun doesn't shine."

And he just says gently, "Now, I bet this is definitely not the kind of thing that the great man Giscard is into!"

to be continued...

Menacing emails

We sadly have to announce the departure of site moderator, Alvin Siftey. The rather unpleasant emails - as well as the vicious comments made on this website - all of which were targeted at his predecessor Steve were found to have come from Alvin's work-station. We will be continuing with the 'people's blog' as soon as we have found a replacement for Alvin, which we hope will be very soon.
In the meantime we are fortunate enough to be able to announce that tomorrow we will be featuring a post from the Government's new Art Tsar, Lord Cheese, who will be filling us in on some of his ideas about extending the scope and the reach of BritArt. We look forward to it.

'Butler' Brown in new class war row

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has denied that during his years as Chancellor he was viewed as the 'lick-spittle' of a small coterie of wealthy businessmen and bankers. It has been suggested that during the 'noughties' his policies amounted to little more than a sycophantic attempt to wipe the bottoms of certain elite business friends who commonly referred to him as 'the butler'.
A spokesman for the PM said: "It is obvious that these allegations were dreamt up on the playing fields of ignorance - in an ignorant, poorly educated, vacuous Britain for whom celebrity is the new aristocracy, and which believes that playing fields are places where people spend their time dreaming things up."

The 'People's blog'. Your contributions.

Hi, Alvin here, reporting back to you. Looks like Steve won't be returning, sadly. After the hate mail, then the vicious comments from the blogger known as 'snuff man', he has decided that it's too much for him and he is quitting. He'll be sorely missed. But it means that my sign-off yesterday as 'Chief Moderator' was really rather prophetic. (Yes, I know it appeared a little presumptuous at the time!)

Anyway, I was up until about two in morning reading through some of your blog proposals. Some, as I wrote yesterday, were frankly pretty pointless. I mean, how many Belle de Jour clones can there really be knocking about British Universities? Are things so bad that the only way students can get through their courses is by lying on their backs with their legs apart? And if it really is that bad, then how about focusing on the actual politics of this situation, girls? Hey?

Right, so leaving aside our serial killers and hookers, we have something that looks (initially) quite interesting - a cop blog. Daily life on the beat, policing the G20, G7, power stations etc etc. However, something tells me that this might not be the real deal. Where's the Old Bill we know and love kicking the shit out of protestors? What's more, we see a guy with an unblemished record... even looks forward to hanging out at the Notting Hill Carnival.... multiculturalism, the thought! He even calls it Caaar-neee-vaaal. And guess what? A few days later, he is back in Surbiton and, low and behold, able to get to a reported break-in within ten minutes of the 999! Somehow, I think not. Sorry PC Mungo, didn't you know that it is an offence to impersonate a police officer?

We move on. Politics - as in the insulated little world of the Westminster Village. There's a lot of this stuff. Oh, these dedicated party political bloggers. What a joy! People trying to imitate the Dales, the Finkelsteins, even the Fawkes's. Boring! Millions of these copycat blogs have shown up already. So why are they pestering us at boho? Get your own site! DO IT YOURSELF - if you're that good.

Okay, so now we have one that's maybe a bit left field: "The Hung Blog" - A blog that brings together writers from across the political spectrum who will be able to give us their valuable insights in the event of a hung parliament. Sorry, but THIS is the website that is bringing together people from across the spectrum, might I suggest? Although, I do dig the feature at the top... a cartoon, is it? Yep, the guy has even done a cartoon. Well, yes... I would dig it if I could work out what the cartoon depicts. Hold on... Oo-er. Is that..? That surely cannot be an MP hanging... by the neck? Okay, right I get it. Nice... cool. 'Hung Parliament', I wonder whether we could get away with that. Maybe maybe maybe. Better ask Ned. I suppose it'll be acceptable as long as the appropriate MPs are hanging (they know who they are!)

Now this is more like it: Climate change. The single biggest issue of the day bar none. But, and this is a big but, we must filter out the deniers, the ignorant people who appear to have no intention of looking at THE evidence, DOING the math! Room temperature IQs, that's their problem. Can they totally overlook the mountains of graphs and charts and computer models that arrive at the one conclusion and that prove beyond doubt the existence of global warming? Well, it seems like they can. Well they're sure as hell NOT coming onto this website. This is not going to be a repository of ignorance!

So, anyway, summing up: Yes there's some good stuff here and there's some really, really shit stuff. And I think that we all know which is going to get published and which is not! But, remember guys, be patient. We, moderators (not Ned) will be deciding in this instance what actually does get seen... Just as we decide in the normal way what comments get seen. So, as they say, don't call us we'll call you! And those of you whom the majority view as 'deniers'... please… please, just take a hike!
Posted by Moderator in Chief, Alvin Siftey

PM to say sorry

The Prime Minister will today respond to criticisms that he has not made any apologies recently. It was thought that he would make an apology this week for an historical event with which he is totally unconnected - perhaps the Black Death or the Magna Carta.
However Number Ten is hinting that the PM might make an announcement later today and possibly go one step further. There are suggestions that he might apologise for something that will happen in the future, with which he is also unconnected, but which might be perpetrated by the Conservatives, such as excessive bank bonuses...

More on this breaking story later.

Snuff's not enough

Hi, my name's Alvin and I work with Steve - the guy who did yesterday's post. I'm kind of assistant moderator, although in actual fact we're supposed to have a flat structure round here. But Steve still insists it's my title because he hired me and he has been doing this job longer than me... bla bla bla. You guessed it, he's a bit of an asshole.

Anyway, Steve's had to take some time off, sadly. He became a bit freaked out yesterday by someone who wanted to contribute to the 'people's blog'. You might remember, it was that guy who wanted to examine the mind and the daily ritual of a serial killer. I have to say that I have read some of what 'snuff-boy' sent in and it's pretty heavy. You need a strong stomach to wade through it.

Anyway, this 'Son of Lamb' as he calls himself started hassling Steve because his 'snuff' blog hadn't appeared on the site like immediately! He wrote a few comments in response to Steve's post - they were initially harmless enough. But when Steve didn't respond, snuff-boy's comments gradually became more and more agitated, and then nasty and aggressive, and eventually quite scary. Most of them had to be deleted, because despite Ned's views on free speech, no responsible web owner could possibly publish them.

Now, we at boho don't know quite where this guy is coming from. He could be an inspired contributor who thought that a fictionalised serial killer blog might be a departure from the usual blog genre - which in a way it is. Or he's a bit of a bullshitter who is trying to wind people up, just having a laugh - there are a lot of people like that rattling around the blogosphere. Or he actually takes himself seriously and in his horrible, addled mind thinks that people might really warm to his 'acts of mercy' (as he describes them) with as much ease as they warmed to Belle de Jour's soft porn.

So, whilst we are trying to work out what this guy's all about, Steve is at home with an 'old mate' who is a black belt in megendo, and he's popping valium like there's no tomorrow, and trying to cheer himself up by watching daytime TV on Dave channel and Sky One! Somehow, I think that poor old Steve has decided that the whole moderating malarkey is not quite for him anymore. Let's face it Steve, it involves some tough decisions, and you have to be prepared to stand up for your beliefs! And sometimes, Steve, there are some really, really nasty people out there and they will take exception to being 'moderated'. It can be quite unpleasant.

Anyway, whilst certain other people check out this 'Son of Lamb' and - yawn yawn - trace his IP address, and talk to the police, I have decided to take a long hard look at how we are going to develop the 'people's blog'. Okay, so Steve did not really say much about the political contributions - even though there were quite a few - he must have seen them. Now call me old fashioned but politics counts for a large proportion of what makes up the blogosphere. And when you ask yourself the question: Where should that blogosphere really be trying to make a difference? Do you answer: Solving climate change, or, relating the exploits of bourgeous whores who just haven't enough Jimmy Choo shoes? I, for one, think I know the answer to that one!

So tonight I will be reading through the blog contributions that Steve sadly overlooked. I won't be having nightmares about climate change - as he did when he read about the 'Son of Lamb' (poor diddums). But that does not mean that I won't take any contribution seriously. No, in fact climate change scares me shitless. But, by tomorrow, I hope that, midnight oil permitting, I'll be able to provide a list of political people's blogs that I, or rather, we at boho will be considering for inclusion. Then you'll all know the kind of thing that'll get published from hereon in... and the kind of thing that (most definitely) won't!
So folks (as Steve might call you)... here's to a new, less self-indulgent, less 'metrosexual' blogosphere! Let us all go forward and make the internet our own!
By Alvin Siftey, Chief Moderator.

Gordon Brown versus The Royal Bank of Scotland.

Gordon Brown is ready to prove that the Iron Chancellor has become the Iron Prime Minister. He will look the board of The Royal Bank of Scotland in the eye. He will emphasize unequivocally what history has taught him - That in circumstances such as these, when a Prime Minister must show the voters who governs Britain, he will do no more and no less than what a Conservative Government would do: Get down on his hands and knees and...

More on this breaking news story later this evening...

Sex, drugs and moderation

Hi, I am the moderator of this site. You can call me Steve, just Steve, as I am not going to give you my surname. That might simply lead to hate mail from people whose comments I deleted for breaking ‘community rules’. It might lead to hate mail for all sorts of other reasons as well. I should know - I receive a lot of hate mail. It’s quite disturbing really. But I try not to think about it.

Anyway, we handed this blog over to the ‘people’ yesterday. By ‘people’, of course we mean to the readers, you guys. The first slot was taken by Old Etonian prig, Hugh Juggs. When I say ‘prig’ I don’t want to seem partisan. I would call anyone a prig who expressed attitudes like the ones that he did.

Anyway, ‘the experiment’ (as Ned is calling it) was an enormous success. We have been quite literally inundated by readers wanting to give their two pennyworth. I tell you, it’s going to start sounding like ‘speakers corner’ around here before long. Although of course, I accept that the allusion is not perfect, as we are not literally putting people onto soapboxes. Anyway, who uses soapboxes nowadays, eh?

I’ll give you a bit of a run down today on what came in, and then, over the coming months and weeks we will be publishing some of the better contributions - you know, kind of like alternating with our guest bloggers and, of course, the big man himself, Ned Ludd (who, the way I see it, contributes very little to this site nowadays.)

So readers, this is your site now. Not mine, not the people who actually put in an honest day’s work. Not the people who do it day in day out. But yours! And, what the hell, that is what I call democracy! Or is it demagogy? Doesn’t really matter, does it? They’re probably the same thing - at least nowadays they are!!

So, anyway, kicking off… there were a lot of contributions from people who thought that Hugh Juggs was just a smutty pseudonym. And as a result we had people with names like, Hugh Janus, Mike Hunt, Mike Hunterts, Isla Vashit, John Cox-Ukker, and the supposedly oriental, Stin-Kee Cok! Great guys, I love a laugh too. Sadly these ‘blogs’ tended to be incoherent rants about the state of modern Britain and were a bit cliché ridden – and yes, we have all heard the terms New Lie-bour and ZanuLabour! They’ve been on the blogosphere for years.

More interesting, what I can only describe as a sex blog. It was inspired in part, I assume, by that of the escort, Belle de Jour. And it’s about a lovely lady who imagines herself to be in an extramarital love affair with the new president of the EU, Herman Van Rompuy. The housewife, who is bored with her hum-drum, suburban existence, apparently finds solace in the arms of this ‘Belgian Stallion’ and has a variety of encounters with him, including a ‘whipped cream weekend’ in his modest Brussels apartment. Full marks for imagination!

We also had something slightly more troubling: A serial killer blog – a description of a day in the life, or rather days in the life of a mass murderer. Let’s hope that this is one of those ‘thought experiment’ blogs, where the writer only ‘imagines’ certain scenarios (that never actually happened). God, I really trust that this is the case, because this guy is really fucked in the head, he’s really sick, and I’d hate to think that he was actually out there, on the loose. I read his piece last night and I couldn’t get to sleep afterwards.

Anyway, this is all that I have the time or space for right now. More later. Ned tells me that he wants to feature at least a couple of ‘people’s blogs’ in the next week. So we are going to be busy doing some screening over the next few days and will let you know what we come up with. In the meantime, keep commenting folks. We cannot all be bloggers, at least not all of the time. And as they say, the lion will lie down with the lamb. Or whatever it is they say.

And one final thing: Go easy on the hate mail, folks. Some of it can be quite vicious, and remember that I have feelings too. And please, if you are the guy who sent in the serial killer post, I can assure you that I was in no way being critical just now. I am no judge of my fellow man and I say 'each to his own' and all that. All that I was saying earlier was that what you sent in seriously scared the fuck out of me. But it’s ok, it’s cool. This is a relaxed environment we’ve established round here.
By Moderator, Steve. Anonymity is OK - No names, means no hate!

Democracy in action

We are trying something new today - something we hope might ultimately might encourage more contributors to the blogosphere. We received a request from a reader, asking whether he could cross to the other side of tracks and turn blogger for a day. His argument is that there is effectively no difference between the people who post (especially in the case of our guest bloggers) and those who comment. It is all opinion, it is all public. There's not a cigarette paper between them.

I think that this is a bit of an exaggeration as most (successful) bloggers have some kind of form, and have had to build up a critical mass in order to compete with the mainstream press and to gain traction. And even the minor ones do a bit more than just glorified commentary (presumably).

But, we thought the suggestion worth a try. Anything's worth a try. We have decided to allow our reader / commenter to post his own blog, whilst we, the regular bloggers will for today become the readers / commenters. Lord Trencherman, currently out on bail, is included. His wife is sadly not. If this works we might roll it out further. We also agreed not to censor the post unless it was libelous or racist (or irritating or boring.)



"Hello there, every day there's some article or other about David Cameron and Old Etonians dominating the Conservative opposition. Yes, after all these years the toffs are still playing all the best tunes. And to think, we all assumed that the 'closed shops' and the old school ties and the private members 'clubs' had been swept away by Maggie and Tony.

Well I can tell you now, it's a load of bull (and I do not mean Bullingdon). I'm a member of neither the Groucho nor the Soho House. And nor would I want to be. But were I to walk in to either of them right now and said, let me in, I want a drink, they would tell me where to go. If I told them that I was an OE (Old Etonian) like Dave Cameron, they would probably tell me where the fuck to go (though Cameron did work for Carlton media, once... so not a perfect example).

Sorry to be a pain, I would say. If my name were Simon Cowell or Alan Yentob, then it would be, "Ooh, yes. How are you today, sir (bow, bow, scrape scrape)? Can I take your coat, then lick your boots clean and polish your cheesy john thomas with my tongue, before finally slipping this dog-eared script that every other media company has rejected into your back passage so that you might at least spend a few seedy moments fingering it.. ?"

And what if say any of the three main political parties were dominated by members of the Soho Club - or to make it even less 'meritocratic' - the children of Soho Club members? This is not an unlikely prospect, as the children of media celebs have an uncanny (and some would say, untalented, knack of finding their own places in the media spotlight.) And would everyone go around saying, "Do you see the number of ex-media people cramming onto the commons benches? Isn't it terrible and elitist?" I don't think so, because it is the media that asks such questions.

So when people bang on about old school tie, why not tell them where to stick it. There will always be establishments and mafias and clubs. It's not only the toffs wot do this 'being clubbable' lark.

And one last thing: I was talking to a friend whose son is at Eton and he tells me that it has become terribly vulgar, full of the children of new money. It's no longer landed gentry, hasn't been for a long time. Macmillan and Hurd of course were both scholars - that makes them oiks, I suppose. But it is far, far worse nowadays. There are boys whose fathers are estate agents and DJs. How wretched! Charlie (the son) says that a new boy whose father owns a chain of restaurants (can you believe it?) was overheard the other day talking about the family villa in Marbella. Apparently he was also spotted wearing a monogrammed shirt!

So next time you hear that Mr Cameron has appointed another OE to his front bench, remember there's every reason to believe that he is as vulgar as those ghastly types who appear on Strictly Come Dancing and X-Factor nowadays!"
By reader and commenter Hugh Juggs