Johnson defends skimming

Doctor Boris Johnson, staunch champion of the city of London has vigorously defended skimming, the multi million pound operation that he views as a key employer in the capital and that enables a trickle down of wealth from rich to poor. He was responding to Lord Turner's report last week that suggested a Tobin Tax should be levied on all bonuses. Commenting that the financial sector - which he described as an intermediate rather than an end product activity - had become too large, Turner condemned some financial innovation as "socially useless", questioning for example whether "the world would have been better off without any credit default swaps".

However Dr Johnson has hit back at Lord Turner, asking: "What is a flaming pinko doing running the FSA? People certainly have very short memories don't they? I should say so. Don't people remember the Bolsheviks? One day they were trying to curb the excesses of the bankers, the next they were pumping lead into members of the royal family."

Mr Johnson was not slow to point out that many people in the economy benefited from skimming. He suggested that were regulation on skimming actually to be decreased - either for credit card skimming or casino skimmming - the activity would then flourish, bringing much needed taxes into treasury coffers. "You ask the taxi driver, the celebrity chef, the diamond dealer, the super-car or yacht trader whether that wealth placed in the hands of a few people does not benefit the economy... And it's not just that. There is also a 'trickle down effect' via taxation. Many of the taxes that pay for your schools and hospitals, your roads and your police could well be funded in the future by an expanded 'skimming' industry. You might call skimming an intermediate activity, since it does not offer an end product, but that does not stop it allowing money to flow. And the flow of money is just what the economy needs right now!"

Doctor Johnson concluded by adding: "It is clear that when a man is tired of the City of London, he is tired of lies."

Perfidious Mr Bean

Prime Minister Gordon Brown today hit back at critics who accused him of 'double-dealing' over the release of Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, insisting that there had been "no cover up, no double-dealing, no deal for oil." The statement comes after an attack from the Former U.S. Justice Department official David Rivkin who had said: 'This is the kind of duplicitous behaviour that most people here do not expect from Britain.'

In a surprise move, Gordon Brown has fallen back on a time honoured and trusty 'off balance-sheet' defence. This is a defence that is more commonly used in economic or financial affairs. The term OBS has traditionally been seen as a way of allowing the Government to claim that it is not heavily in debt, because any debt that there is or might be is being stored off the country's economic balance sheet.

In the case of the Megrahi release, Brown has claimed that he was 'off balance sheet' with the truth. Lawyers and academics are currently evaluating this defence to see whether it holds up to serious scrutiny, but there are some on Gordon Brown's side who are giving it serious credence.

What Brown would claim in this instance is that ever since Scotland became semi independent - or devolved - it has effectively sat off Britain's political (and diplomatic) balance sheet. It would therefore be possible for England and Scotland to come to the same conclusions over issues such as the release of the Lockerbie Bomber, lucrative oil deals etc etc. without any recourse to, or evidence of collusion.

Mr Brown said: "New Labour is about nothing if it is not about contracting out responsibility, about asset stripping truth and about privatising the 'actualité'. Let the people of Britain and indeed the rest of the world understand that New Labour is the party of double-entry honesty."

Elsewhere, the former Home Secretary J.Smith has helpfully added that the Megrahi release, "Did not feel right." This earth-shattering and insightful statement has prompted commentators to ponder whether in fact she should soon return to Government - not simply as Home Secretary but perhaps as Prime Minister, so that she can instruct the British people - and anyone else who might be interested - as to what kind of double dealing and duplicity does actually 'feel right'.

Hulk Smash!

Disney and Marvel fans throughout the UK and Europe are trying to evaluate plans of a 'tie-in' between the two companies and No.10 Downing Street that will help to promote government policy across Britain, and perhaps even throughout Europe. Fans are divided on what the deal actually means and whether the proposals will dilute and irrevocably alter the Disney / Marvel brand. There are fears that by bringing deeply flawed characters such as 'Iron Man' Gordon Brown into the fold, the Disney / Marvel image will be jeopardised.

The PM and the Disney CEO appeared jointly on prime-time TV last night to announce the deal: "We believe that adding Downing Street to the Disney / Marvel portfolio of brands offers significant opportunities for long term growth and value creation." Gordon Brown added: "Take a deep breath, all your favorite Downing Street characters remain unchanged. We will still have 'Iron Man' (your humble PM) saving the world with his massive bank bail-out package, Spiderman (Lord Mandelson) dressed in his lycra bodysuit, weaving his tangled webs, The Incredible Hulk (John Prescott) charging to the rescue of the Labour Government in 2010, and Goofy and Donald Duck (David Miliband and Jack Straw) claiming that they have never heard of 'this Mr. Megrahi' or the rehabilitated villain Colonel Gaddafi.

In a 'souvenir' edition Tweet' the wife of the Prime Minister, Sarah Brown (Marvel Girl) tried to wrap proceedings up: "With great power comes great responsibility (Mandelman). Gordon will not let you down in your hour of need." However a Whitehall official was later forced to deny that the proposed 'tie-in' with Disney / Marvel in reality meant just more of the same old Mickey Mouse Government.

Azboooozzze

The Magistrates Association has apparently claimed that new powers to impose Drinking Banning Orders - dubbed "booze Asbos" - on people who behave anti-socially while drunk are nonsense. Police and councils in England and Wales will be able to seek such an order on anyone aged 16 and over, banning offenders from from pubs, bars, off-licences and named areas for up to two years or face a £2,500 fine.

Asbooze as they are to be called will be issued to anybody found to be slurring their words, walking with unsteady gait, sporting ruddy cheeks or behaving in an unduly amorous fashion towards their partner. It will not cover the other tendency generally associated with alcohol - violent or aggressive behaviour - as these are already covered by existing Asbo regulations.

Magistrates and politicians on both sides of the house are particularly concerned that Asbooze will hit them hard as they number amongst them some of the heaviest drinkers in the land. Politicians are especially hoping that there will be exemptions for them as it is considered part of their job to talk nonsense and display a range of inappropriate emotions. However the Home Secretary today issued a statement clarifying the situation: "Whaddya chalking about? I defry anyone tchoo... tyoo tell me I cun... I can, cun't have anozzer trink. Juss one more, one likkle trink... Oh, go on, pleasshhe."

A bridge too far

President Barack Obama, three former Presidents and a host of world leaders and luminaries yesterday attended the funeral of a legend of the past half century, Mary Jo Kopechne, the woman who lost her life when Edward Kennedy drove off Dike's bridge at Chappaquiddick.

Mary Jo will forever be associated with the tragic events of one night in 1969, when the phenomenon known to this day as the 'Kennedy Career' came crashing down in a moment of drunken folly. The events of this night were never fully understood, however one thing is known for sure: After the crash the 'salvage operation' never satisfactorily restored the 'Kennedy Career'.

People have to this day questioned why Teddy Kennedy abandoned the car with Mary Jo still inside, not returning for ten hours - by which time she had suffocated. However, it does appear that there was a simple and plausible explanation: Kennedy was obliged to contact the family lawyer, which for a Kennedy at least was the only appropriate thing to do in the circumstances. Similarly Kennedy showed contrition for the accident in true Kennedy style, never actually saying 'sorry' to her parents, but skillfully and considerately paying them $90,000 hush money.

We can only guess what Irish Catholic Kennedy actually said to his priest during confession. We can only guess that he actually went to confession. One key question still remains, however: After the events of that night in 1969 and after Kennedy's response to those events, will Senator Edward Kennedy go to Heaven or to Hell?

To Heaven of course - After all, he was a Kennedy.

Mamma Medium is the Message

Prime Minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi launched a withering attack on the British Broadcasting Corporation last night, calling the corporation's size and ambitions 'chilling' and claiming that they were effectively a 'land grab' on a beleaguered media market.

Companies controlled by the family of the Italian Prime Minister dominate Italian commercial television - with a 45% audience share and over 60% of total advertising sales. This is particularly significant in a country where Newspaper readership is relatively low. However Signor Berlusconi's main concern is that state sponsored broadcasting stands in the way of any benign and well-intentioned mogul's ambition to increase his monopoly and "give people what they want."

"People do not want to listen to state sponsored propaganda," said Mr Berlusconi, speaking at a Guardian lecture last night. "Trust the people. They want a diet of gossip and pornography, except of course when that gossip and pornography involves their beloved Prime Minister Silvio, who is a stranger to this kind of thing anyway. Similarly they want to pay for good quality television on demand; they are happy to increase the profits of my media empire... except of course those cowboys of the internet 'Wild West Country' who insist on downloading pirated content and denying me those profits."

"Isn't it time that we left the 'Wild West," he concluded "to those who know how to make it bear fruit? This is not the time nor place for 'happy homesteaders' staking their claim, nor power hungry politicians and state sponsored journalists engaged in an information 'land grab'. This is territory for pioneers, entrepreneurs such as myself who believe that 'pornography of the people, by the people for the people shall not perish from the earth."

Wrapping up the Guardian lecture Mr Berlusconi denied that this current attack on free, state sponsored news had anything to do with the fact that his corporation is about to move to paid-for news content across his empire.

Easybollocks

Conservative Barnet Borough Council has received wide coverage today for its plans to start running local services using the business model of budget airlines. It wants householders to pay extra to jump the queue for planning consents, in the way budget airlines charge extra for priority boarding. It is thought that the radical experiment could provide a blueprint for a David Cameron government.

The council leader, Mike Freer said that he wanted to persuade residents to do more to look after themselves and intends to forge a new relationship with the borough's citizens which will include an understanding that, as with budget airlines, the council will not automatically provide blanket coverage of services as it did before.

The council hopes to be able to replicate the general 'budget airline experience' in the way in which it organises its wider services such as housing and open-spaces, health, foods services in schools etc., and general quality of staff and services. Accordingly the 'no-frills' approach offers wide scope for cramped conditions, for increasing incidence of lifestyle illnesses such as deep vein thrombosis, low standards of catering, stinking 'conveniences', long waits, endless queues, grumpy staff and a generally disappointing experience.

"What we also hope," said a spokesman for the council, "is that we can adopt the business model in terms of pay and renumeration. We are pretty sure that whilst most of the staff will receive modest incomes, some wanker at the top will hoover up a fortune despite being generally unpleasant and loathed by staff and customers alike."

Familiarity breeds contempt

Commentators on all sides of the political spectrum are mourning the absence from the political scene of a giant of liberal left politics, who for many years now has kept the flickering flame of social democracy alive - Prime Minister Gordon Brown. Rumours of his demise, it is believed have been greatly exaggerated. Nevertheless, people are beginning to ask the question: "Where's Gordon?"

This 'giant' of New Labour has certainly had a chequered history; he was linked to various scandals and cover-ups over the years. But he always appeared to 'beat the rap', never more so than in the case of the infamous 'CDO' crash that involved a bunch of slick city conmen called the 'boiler room boys' and undoubtedly overshadowed the remainder of his political career. Although he denied all responsibility for the crash suspicions inevitably remained since he was at the helm at the time.

Some people are asking though whether his absence is a sign of something more sinister - a tactic know by the acronym CBAIF, or 'come back... all is forgiven'. Is it just possible that this extended absence has been engineered by Machiavellian supremo, Lord Mandelson, who assumes that people will ultimately 'miss Gordon when he's gone'. The logic here is that they might have got a taste of that sense of loss over the summer months when Gordon was nowhere to be seen.

And in keeping with this logic, the electorate is literally clammering for Gordon to return. "Please, please, please," said one tearful member of the public interviewed in Whitehall today, "Please come back, Gordon. Anything is better than Harriet the Harridan, Peter the Pirate, Dreary Darling, and Jack man of Straw who ran the country over the summer and were even more pointless and self-serving than you."

You are not watching Big Brother

Despite its public service remit, Channel Four has announced that it will only be screening one more series of the educational resource, Big Brother. Despite plaudits for its groundbreaking format, its witty banter and its philosophical musings on the nature of Daniella's Breasts, the viewing figures have plummeted to under two million, effectively making it a broadcasting basket case.

The move will bring consternation in some quarters and raise concerns that Channel Four is 'dumbing up'. A respected lecturer in 'Reality TV' from the University of Westfield has asked where the semi-literate and the brain dead will now achieve their fifteen minutes of farm. The programme has for some years now revealed to sociologists worldwide just how humans would behave if they were cooped up together for several weeks and treated like farmyard animals. We discover that, contrary to expectations, the contestants fall back on their inner resources, regularly quote Shakespeare and use philosophical reference points when contemplating the nature of their condition.

Ministers were asked to comment on whether the programme had had a positive effect on the outlook and attitudes of the nation as a whole. A spokesman for the Ministry of Drivel stated: "Of course it had a benign effect. It meant that ministers could communicate easily with the electorate using trite reference points such as 'We are repulsed by sexism in any way, shape or form and would officially condemn Mario's treatment of Nikki and his comments on her boob job.' It also meant that for a few sweet months in the summer there were people in this country who were ridiculed even more than us."

Asbo Dave

Conservative leader David Cameron has given a frank and revealing interview to up market gossip magazine Grazia, in which he discusses his ‘broken youth’. The interview will offer some insight into his belief that the middle classes should be out there hugging ‘hoodies’. It will also help ordinary people comprehend that it is not just council estate thugs that trash their communities.

Cameron (also known as the campaign for real ale) looks back to his days at the Bullingdon club in Oxford when he was at the height of his debauchery. "I have to admit that in those days I was drinking around 14 to 15 jugs of Pimms a day and then ‘bumpering’ a bottle of vodka in the evenings. It was lucky that they didn’t have Asbos in those days; otherwise I would have taken an Oxford Blue in collecting them. Blond Bozzer Johnson was also a member of the Bullingdon back then. We used to enjoy drunken evenings dressed in hoodies – and white bow ties of course – and we’d pass the time swinging on chandeliers and wrecking the place. Then at the end of the evening we would all hug each other – still dressed in our hoodies – and be sick over each other."

Mr Cameron was asked finally what changed, what put a stop to this debauchery? Cameron replied that the turning point was joining the Conservative party. "I realized that the party had a reputation for propriety, for integrity and for taking responsibility for one’s own actions. Many a reprobate has seen the light after joining the Conservatives. And I am confident that I can follow in the footsteps of one of the last great old Etonians to be at the helm of a Conservative government, Harold Macmillan, and offer Britain a government, a cabinet free of debauchery and scandal."

Sun Editor

'Fleet Street' is in febrile mood right now as the race to become the new editor of the Sun newspaper hots up. The front runner, Dominic Lawson has a distinguished record in producing exclusives ever since his famous, "Amy Whitehouse likes a drink." and "Kate Moss's boyfriend buys a yellow pencil."

But he is reckoned neverthless to be up against stiff competition from a number of other current editors who covet the job they call, 'the most powerful post in tabloid journalism.'

So who are the other contenders and what kind of editorial credentials do they have?

One possible is Wally Wallace, who has an outstanding record at setting up the Mirror's Football website, "Dribble", considered perfect training for a prospective tabloid editor. Also in the running is Jesse James, who knows nothing about Fleet Street and has never worked in it, clearly an advantage to anyone wanting to work for the Sun. He and Murdoch are allegedly graduates of the same kindergarten. Finally there is the distinguished journo Hatfield House, who earned much admiration for his outstanding freesheet the London Bogpaper, which has been avidly read by millions of Londoners and which was famous for the exclusive: "Lord Mandelson ate my Hamster."

A leading Australian, Rupert Everidge said today: "I daint care'oo-it is. S'long as he can sweer a lot."

EXCLUSIVE: Prime Minister Gordon Brown Has Resigned...

News wires across Europe are quite literally buzzing tonight after the shock announcement issued by Number Ten Downing Street that British Premier Gordon Brown has resigned himself to losing the next general election.

Westminster commentators have for the past month been unsettled by the PM's low profile. Even though it is holiday season - traditionally a time when the PM takes a well earned rest - Premier Brown's total abandonment of the political scene has been deemed unusual.

Some have seen the hand of Deputy PM, Lord 'Is this a knife I see before me' Handelson at play. The Dark Lord is a past master of pregnant pauses and cultivated absences. But the Lord of Spin as he is also known, tonight issued a categorical denial of any part in Gordon Brown's pregnant absence.

In a carefully worded statement tonight Lord Mandelson declared: 'I can say quite unequivocally that we are entering a new phase in political history: The era of deception is over. The era of spin is past. I might even say: 'The spin is dead, long live the spin.'

More on this breaking news as we get it... In other news, England has reclaimed the Ashes.