The wealth of nations

Britain's biggest banks (or what's left of them) are considering a revolutionary new idea: Cutting the bonus pool. They are concerned taxpayers, who bailed them out in 2008, will object to large pay awards when they're having to tighten their own belts. One senior banker announced today:-

"It is probably true we are thinking about having a large lunch in the City, where it is not inconceivable that the subject of bonuses may arise, if only in passing. We are aware certain somewhat envious, and may I say, odious individuals, are incapable of grasping what the banking sector has delivered in recent years. These people believe that just because on one occasion the nation had to pay back all the money that had till then flowed into Treasury coffers, this represents poor value for money."

"Oh yes, they may well acknowledge the enormous tax revenues the banking sector generated over the past decade. Yes, they may well accept that my wife, Lady Banks, spent hundreds of thousands of pounds propping up the retail sector with her generous purchases of diamonds, of new kitchens and of designer clothing.

"But then they have the temerity to insinuate that senior bankers like myself and my hard-working staff have squirreled away many millions, nay billions of pounds in off-shore bank accounts, never to be seen again. They even claim that such nest-eggs were the product of the very credit derivatives deals that almost bankrupted Britain in the first place, and therefore should've been paid back when the banking system collapsed."

"But what kind of nonsense is this?

"If Britain is to retain it's number one banking slot, and if we are to incentivise future generations to follow the entrepreneurial lead set by myself - especially when said generations will leave academia saddled with debt - and if we are to revive the economy by allowing billions, should I say, trillions of virtual cyber-pounds and cyber-dollars to slosh around the financial markets once again, then surely we must continue waving these inordinately large sums in front of the deserving greedy, so they too can pursue the age old tradition much loved by all financial centres - namely, get rich quick and sod the consequences.

"So now, if you will, let me quote two historical characters who've had much to offer on the subject - that's if you won't take my word for it: First, that great economist Adam Smith who knew all there was to know about incentives: "Greed is good. And the good should grab all they can." Never a truer thing were said in my reckoning. And if that doesn't convince you, then what about the wise words of that other great Scottish writer, George Orwell (Eric Blair): "All men are created greedy, but some are greedier than others."

"So I say to you earnestly: Sod off and leave our bonuses alone. For if you don't, we'll sod off and take all our shiny buildings in Canary Wharf, and all our houses in Holland Park, all our private schools, our Porsches, our Ferraris, and all our foreign villas, and decamp to Beijing, Hong Kong or Taiwan where they are quite frankly desperate to invest in the kind of casino derivatives that brought the West to its knees in those heady and, may I say, exciting days back in 2008. At least over there they won't object to our paying ourselves massive bonuses. And why should they? For it is not their taxpayers that shall be bailing us out next time!"

Sixty thousand characters in search of an author

"Listen, the point is this: We students don't care the last government massively increased the number of University places and introduced tuition fees at the same time. And so what if it meant anyone could potentially go to Uni and do Mickey Mouse courses like "David Beckham Studies", "The Literature of Jordan (aka Katie Price), "Equestrian Behaviorology", "The Phenomenology of Big Brother (part-funded by Endemon Productions), or "The Aetiology of Strictly Come Dancing". It's not our problem if this policy drained funding from dinosaur subjects like Astral-Physics, (In)Humanities, so-called English Literature, Law (which doesn't mean anything to most people) or History (which is all subjective anyway). We don't even give a damn this policy created a funding gap this Conservative-led government had to bridge, especially in times of economic hardship (whatever that actually means!)

"No! What really pisses us off is Nick Clegg, and the fact he reneged on his promises, before and during the general election, that he would get rid of tuition fees and not increase them. So what, if he and the LibDamns wouldn't have got into government in the first place had he not done a deal with the Tories? So what, if the last government which commissioned the Browne Report would have acted in line with the report's findings as well (had it got back in)?

"No! It's the complete and utter lies and hypocrisy that utterly disgusts us. Some of us students, like, actually voted for the LimDamns, even though we thought they wouldn't get into government anyway. But we assumed that, had they got in, then they would have implemented everything they said they would, in the same way that, if Father Christmas was really Father Christmas, he would actually come down the chimney and deliver us all the X-Boxes and IPads we students need simply to get by.

"Doesn't turncoat Clegg, like, realise that if we students can't afford our IPods, IPads, Nintendos, X-Boxes, Blackberries, or, for that matter, our cannabis and ecstasy - i.e. those little things that help us to get through the hardships of student life - then we'll have no alternative but to go out onto the streets and protest - which is something we haven't done for years? Like, student life would be sooo boring if we were so strapped we couldn't spend all day chatting to our mates on Facebook. It's our right to Twitter and post on YouTube at the same time as smoking grass. And anyway it's like really cold out on the streets and we wouldn't want to protest for long because we think protesting's like soooo last season.

"But, Mr. Clegg, you leave us with no alternative, because you lied to us. You lied to us, even though most of us didn't believe you anyway because you're a politician. And what really hurts is, you lied to us when we weren't bothered you were lying to us, because we thought you'd never get into power anyway. And now that you lied to us and you actually have got into power, you leave us with no alternative but to be confused, disheartened, displaced, bereft of identity... searching, searching for something. (For the first time in decades).

"So please, Mr. Clegg... please can you lie to us some more so we can conduct more protests this winter? The thing is, we don't want to go out onto those cold, icy streets. How're we going to summon up the energy (to protest again and again and again), unless you give us the fuel we need? Now we have the bit between our teeth, it would really help, it really would, if you could, like, make us more angry... or, at least, give us the wherewithal to make people think we're angry.

So, please, please, please, Mr. Clegg. Please can you lie to us some more?

Fallen Guardian

The Guardian Newspaper is never afraid to hold the government to account. Day after day, it fights for the less well-off in our society. It delivers insight, it offers original, incisive commentary. It is the scourge of "the establishment". And yet, it cannot hide its own devotion to another kind of establishment - one that'll outlive these here-today-gone-tomorrow politicians and their advisers. We're talking the world of the glamorous jet-setters we call celebs - and the establishments they frequent... such as The Ivy.

November 4: In its second-rate "Style and Culture" rag, G2, the Guardian devotes four gruesomely fawning pages to a restaurant that means little to the dispossessed, the poor, the humble, the meek, the weak and the disadvantaged on whose behalf Polly Toynbee tirelessly campaigns. The article venerates "Ivy" celebrities and the "Ivy" lifestyles that, throughout the last decade (and throughout the decadence), were synonymous with the gulf that emerged between the haves and the have-nots, the rich and the poor.

If the article counts as campaigning journalism, then the Ivy is a refuge for the starving masses... Here's what the celebs are saying about the Guardian's favorite restaurant (apparently):-

Kevin Spacey - I only go there when I haven't seen Bill (Clinton) for a while. These days, Bill is hard to please when it comes to London eating establishments. But there's a special place in his heart for the Ivy. Especially when John (Cleese) is there, doing his funny walks and being abusive to the waiters.

Ricky Gervais - I know what you're going to say. I'm that short fat ugly pathetic cynical little bloke that should hate jumped up celeb haunts like the Ivy. But in all honesty and in all actual fact, I can't get enough of the place. And who wouldn't, when on any given evening you can chew the breeze with Ruby Wax, Piers Morgan, Michael Winner, Lily Allen, Robert Mugabe, Mick Jagger, David Bowie, Saddam Hussein, Ant and Dec, Val Kilmer, Angelina Jolie, George Best, Roger Moore, Herman Van Rompuy, Edward and Mrs Simpson and the Queen Mother to name but a few. I'm no name dropper, but it's hard not to be mesmerised by all the people I said I'd never be mesmerised by. Isn't it?

Piers Morgan - I'm no name dropper. But I tell you one thing: I haven't enough fingers on my dirty little hands to count the number of famous people I've hung out with at the Ivy. One of the best occasions was when Jeremy Paxman asked me in all honesty whether I was a grubby, social-climbing, back-stabbing little creep who'd sell his own Grandmother for fifteen minutes of fame. I responded - rather wittily, I have to say - by telling Jezza that if he didn't take back what he said, I wouldn't let him partake in the Dom Perignon 1959 that I had ordered for all present. At which point he admitted that I was a man of style and substance. And then, Jezz and I, along with Beyonce, Simon Cowell, Sean Penn, Sophie Raworth, Michael Winner, Kylie Minogue and Mother Theresa of Calcutta all proceeded to drink our way through five bottles of Chateau Petrus and ten bottles of Puligny-Montrachet, whilst extolling the virtues of consumer capitalism.

Jordan - Now, I'm no name dropper. But when you've arrived like I has, you can't help noticing that loads of famous blokes all just want to be your friend. And I always say: It's not because I'm at the Ivy that all these blokes want to get into my knockers, but it doesn't half help. Some famous writer bloke called Martin Amis once came up to me when I was sitting on table three, which is the best table of all, and asked me whether he could deconstruct my boobs in his next novel, whatever that's supposed to mean. Well, I was still going out with Pete Andre at the time and Pete offered to punch this writer's lights out, until he was physically restrained by Kevin Spacey, who's apparently an actor or something.

Marty (Amis) - Far be it from me to drop names, to name-drop. For, what's in a name? A celeb by any other name is just as sweet. And Jordan meant nothing. But I was put up to this unholy act by Mick (Jagger), Tom (Cruise), Bob (Mugabe), Robbie Coltrane, Nigella Lawson, Victoria (of Beckham fame) and Anne Widdecombe - all of whom sat at table, the table, my table. And it wasn't a "tabula rasa", I can tell you. I, Mart, I'd eaten five kilos of asparagus. Yes, five whole bloody kilos. The cabbage-pee-stench that was raping the urinal as I exorcised my bladder, it made me strong, it emboldened... me. And then Mart had a vision: Mart was fucked if he didn't have the courage to ask Jordan if he could fondle her titties. Call it preparation for the next oeuvre - the oeuvre about titties. Call it what you like. Call it the fame and glamour that is the Ivy. Now that ain't name dropping. That's... that's ball-dropping. Mart's a ball-dropper. Ivy league. Ivy... League. My restaurant. It's balls.

Information Super-highwaymen

Guten tag, ladies und gentlemen. My name is Herman und I originate from that piece of Germany we used to be calling the GDR - that's the democratic republic, even though we didn't have the vote. But who needs it anyway?

Anyhow, I have come here today because I am talking to you about the wonderful successes of your information gathering systems you have built in the West. Now, I speak as a man who should know thing or two about information gatherings. You see, I used to be working for that much misunderstood organisation known as the Stasi. Boy in those days did we have our works cut out for us? We had to co-opt hunderts of thousands of helpful citizens in order to build our profiles of the enemies of the state. We were documenting the every movements, the loves, the passions, the predilections of these people. It was sehr pain-staking task und it took many, many man hours, I can be telling you.

But now you in the West have built something that is zoh infinitely better at information gatherings und retrievals. Das ist called "information superhighway" und everybody, yes, everybody love using it. On your social network site for examples, you are extremely delighted to reveal all of your innermost secrets. You are telling the whole worlds your names und addresses, where you are working, who you are in love with, where you like to go clubbings, where you will be going on holidays, what kind of food you eat, what kinds of peoples you meet, your political und religious affiliations, your fears, your hates, und, nowadays, even where you are in the world at any given time of the day or night.

Wow! This is simply wunderbar! You know, I am so envious, so, so envious. Ich could become positively addicted to so much informations. Never in our wildest dreams did we think zie ordinary citizens would volunteer this kind of details. If only we had your superhighways in our day, life at the Stasi would have been so much easier. We could have done the work of hunderts of thousands of men mit one mainframe computer. Ya! You can believe it. Ein single mainframe computer! What is even more spiffing, as you peoples like to say, is das information is not only available to the peoples in your countries but to peoples everywhere in the world. Ein computer official in Beijing can even access all your secrets. Now that really is information revolution. Ya?

Now of course I must be qualifying these enthusiasms of mine to some extents. Because of course, not all informations are available, the more is the pity! Das officialdom und many, many companies do not like to be posting all these kinds of sensitive informations for everyone und Uncle Tom Cobley to be seeing. Nein! It is simply not zee done thing when it is real, real sensitive stuffs that might be having some kind of monetary impacts or something like that for example. But then Rome was not built in ein day. Und, let's face it, even some of this important stuff can be accessed by cyber-hackers if es ist totalische necessary.

Anyway at least it seems that for the time beings the ordinary citizens do not have so many of these monetary concerns because they are regularly falling victims to the cyber-scams und the credit card frauds. And can you believe it, they are even telling the burglars on the social networking sites when they are going on holidays and vacating their homes und stuff. So, the future ist looking sehr good, sehr, sehr positive indeed. These super-highways are music to the ear of an old Stasi man like myself. As we once used to be saying back in those good old days: Your information ist our information, und our information ist our information!

Does Apple dream of electric sheep?

From the Supreme Leader of the Martian Confederation - 20 October 2020

"Greetings Earthlings. I hope you are well.

"I arrive with a positive message about your iGods, the sales of which have surpassed all expectations this year. Since you turned production of this wonderful item over to our capable hands, the number of units available on your planet has sky-rocketed. And thanks to our advanced manufacturing methods, each unit is now cheaper to produce than a loaf of Earthling bread - much tastier too! There is scarcely a man, woman or child on your planet now who is without the wonderful iGod. It has transformed your lives, has become so important that life without it would indeed be grim. For sure it is one of the great inventions of the modern age."

"Now you might have heard - from propagandist elements on Earth - that our production techniques have been compromised of late. You might also have heard that due to certain "design-flaws" your devices have been left vulnerable to cyber-attack, to interplanetary cyber-warfare. There are even some miscreants who suggest that we on Mars might have done this "accidentally-on-purpose" to make it easier to access your beloved iGods. They say that it might be convenient to leave your iGods vulnerable in the event of interplanetary war - because we could then gain easy access to your innermost secrets or disable your lifestyle "must-haves" when most you have need of them.

"But nothing could be further from the truth. Why oh why oh why should we detract from your enjoyment of this remarkable gadget? It has been a sure fire winner for our factories as much as it has been for your planet. Our iGod factories currently employ one eighth of the Martian workforce and we would do nothing to endanger this. We, the Martians, want you the Earthlings to continue worshipping the iGod, for it has brought us prosperity too.

"Now that being said, Earthlings, there are clearly good reasons for us to enhance the iGod experience. Let me give you an analogy: In the middle ages your great churches were disposed towards enhancing the "God" experience. Of course the churches did this the better to embrace such an experience. And just as your priests perpetuated devotion through bells and whistles and icons, and just as your priests guided you on how to think and how to pray and how to live your lives and embrace your Lord, so we on Mars feel that the entire iGod experience must be enhanced through the presence of natty apps and cookies, through monitoring devices and "stabilisation and control systems" that allow us to guide (at any given time) your enjoyment of this life-enhancing gadget.

"You see, if we did not guide, direct and manage your use of the iGod, you would soon lose your devotion to it. You would simply view it as something that makes life easier - when in fact it's an opportunity to give control and direction to life, to give it meaning. It would be such a shame if we missed that opportunity, that opportunity to make life on Earth better. In fact it would be a tragedy. And let me tell you - we on Mars have the technical know-how to make it better.

"So rest at ease Earthlings. There is unlikely to be cyber-war. But if there is, we will ensure the "bells and whistles" on these fabulous iGods enhance your "cyber war experience". And this will be thanks to the appropriate and most meaningful technical guidance of our engineers here on Mars. So please, please, please leave yourselves (and your marvellous iGods) in our capable hands. For we, not you, know what we are doing... It is we who have the technology.

"Yes, we who have the technology."

100 most influential women

Any survey that places Victoria Beckham (No.2) above the monarch (No.3) and the director of the human rights group Liberty (No.4) is clearly not worth the paper it's printed on. Then again it could be evidence of how low standards have slipped in recent years. Perhaps influence is nowadays about how much jewellery you own, how many bottles of perfume your face can sell, or how many gormless kids download your latest trashy album from the internet. One thing's for sure, Ms. Pankhurst must be turning in her grave. Let's take a look at some of these names:-

J K Rowling - The writer who made countless kids think boarding school is "magic".

Victoria Beckham - The woman who made moronic vulgarity a lifestyle choice.

Kate Moss - The gal who made millions of teenagers want to be thin and shove white powder up their noses.

Alexa Chung - TV presenter with an influential face - it appears everywhere you look these days.

Cheryl Cole - Once married to an "influential" footballer, sings formulaic jingles dressed in erotic clothing. Put malaria back on the map.

Davina McCall - Famous for presenting a vacuous reality TV show where contestants have sex with one another

Elizabeth Hurley - Wearer of an influential dress

Fearne Cotton - The face of the dismal, trivial television channels BBC3 and ITV2

Jilly Cooper - Brought the lives of bonking country folk to the masses.

Stella McCartney - Daughter of a famous pop star, designer of influential clothes.

Tracey Emin - Made semen-stained beds hip and cool

Tessa Jowell - Husband "rubbed shoulders" with a famous and influential Italian Prime Minister (mentioning no names).

Kirstie Allsopp - Made DIY fashionable.

Leona Lewis - Made Simon Cowell rich

The list goes on and is a grim indictment of our "tempora et mores". Most notable, Germaine Greer doesn't appear. At the time the survey was carried out she was too busy chaining herself back to the railings whilst simultaneously trying to burn her bra(s)... no mean feat.

The last bastion of restrictive practices

No, not ITV - that was twenty years ago. We're talking about the BBC and its near domination of news and current affairs. Question is, has the Beeb taken on the role of "official opposition" of late? And if so, can it still be viewed as impartial? A little tyke called Justin Webb, he of the Today programme, takes no prisoners when it comes to interviewing cabinet ministers. But when he's handling a subject dear to his heart - like ADHD or investment banking - he sucks up to the charlatans he ought to be taking to task.

But are standards slipping further than we think? Last week saw the nadir of current affairs interviewing, when first Jeremy "tough on politicians" Paxman conducted a sycophantic interview with Russell Brand... Later on, Andrew "jug ears" Marr used his Sunday morning slot to discuss "Strictly Come Dancing" with Bruce "Brucie" Forsyth. How much lower can the BBC stoop?

Here we reload the Paxman / Brand interview conducted last Friday - simply to give you all a taste of things to come:-

Paxman:  Can I say what an admirer of yours I am, great one?

Brand:  Course, Jezza. And I'm an admirer of yours, even though I don't who the fuck you are.

Paxman:  Very drole, oh saintly one. I wish I had your wit.

Brand:  Course you does, Jezza. Don't every geyser? But I bet you wish even more you 'ad my appeal what I has with women. Is I right or is I right?

Paxman:  It is true, master. Though may I suggest I'm not so disadvantaged in terms of said appeal?

Brand:  What? You saying you has as big a todger as like what I 'as, Jezza?

Paxman:  Well, one wouldn't wish to boast. But there are certain ladies who are not unimpressed with the size of my John Thomas. Although, I would not be so bold as to compare myself to you, naturally.

Brand:  Yeah, that's right, Jezza. Never a truer word was spoken.

Paxman:  But it's not just fornication I'm thinking of. I do wish I could be as popular as you, great one.

Brand:  Don't every bloke?

Paxman:  Indeed.

Brand:  Maybe you need to do something about your style, Jezz, my man. You know like invest in some new clothing and 'ave your hair like how I has it, or speak different or something.

Paxman:  Do you think that'd work?

Brand:  Course Jezz. You'd have all the women and everyone like all over you. You could razzle like Russell.

Paxman:  Or even rustle like Russell?

Brand:  Don't know about that Jezz. I'm no rustler, I'll 'ave you know. By the way, you ain't talking about rustling, like sheep rustling, is ya?

Paxman:  No, forgive me, great one. I didn't mean it like that.

Brand:  Nah, I 'ope not. Cos I gave up doing sheep way back. And I'll sue anyone what suggests otherwise.

Paxman:  Okay let's put that one to bed.

Brand:  That ain't true, Jezz. I never put one to bed neither.

Paxman:  No, I meant, let's put that issue to bed.

Brand:  Tissues in bed, Jezza? I'm not no wanker, I'll 'ave you know.

Paxman:  God forbid, oh great one. Nothing could be further from my mind.

Brand:  Blimey, you don't half like talking about sex a lot, don't ya Jezz?

Paxman:  Well who would not when in such esteemed company?

Brand:  Yeah, ya not wrong there mate. By the way, is you angling for me to introduce you to some of my lady friends, Jezz?

Paxman:  Oh, er, well... Would you? Could you?

Brand:  I get it. That's what all this sick-a-fancy is all about, ain't it? You want an intra-duction to one of my lady friends?

Paxman:  Well, if it's not asking too much.

Brand:  You be nice to me like what you is now, being all sick-a-fantic like and I sorts ya sex life out. Is that it?

Paxman:  Sort of.

Brand:  You scratch my back, and I scratch yours?

Paxman:  Not sure I'd go that far.

Brand:  Ok, Jezz. Don't worry. I'll see what I can do for ya.

Paxman:  Oh, thank you thank you, Mr Brand, oh saintly one, thank you so much.

Brand:  Don't mention it.

Paxman:  And of course... thank you for your time on this programme, Russell, Mr. Brand, sir. We are indeed blessed to have you here. Newsnight will never look the same again.

Brand:  Say that again. Anyway, Jezz, you're most welcome. You can have me on this show any time.

Paxman:  Thank you.

Brand:  (Quietly) What a dick.

Inner Space?

(Victoria Beckham and Katie Price - aka Jordan - discuss the loss of child benefit for high earners)


Becks:  I tell you. It's disgusting it is, Jordan, Babes. That Ozzy Osborne's goin' to get rid of child benefit for us hard working Mums.

Jordan:  Don't you mean, George Osborne, Babes? Ozzy don't owe you any child benefit, does he?

Becks:  Dunno. Only met Ozzy a couple of times. Don't think he owes me any benefit. But I wouldn't know, would I?

Jordan:  I hope he don't, Babes. You know what the News of the World would say, dontcha? You know, if Ozzy owed you any benefits?

Becks:  Yeah, but I'm bein' serious Babes. Me and Dave's down to our last twenty million. And it's important I get that money cos it's a universal benefit.

Jordan:  What's that then?

Becks:  What's what?

Jordan:  What you just said... Was you trying to be posh just then and speak French? You said "universal benefit". That's French innit?

Becks:  Don't know, Babes. French for what?

Jordan:  Dunno. Probably French for universal benefit, whatever that is.

Becks:  Yeah, suppose it probably is... But anyway. My point is, it's wrong..

Jordan:  What is?

Becks:  Getting rid of universal benefits. I'm a member of the universe. Just as you is.

Jordan:  Yeah, that's a thought innit? We're both members of the universe. Never thought of it like that.

Becks:  Yeah, like, that's what I mean, don't I Babes? It's disgusting. We're all members of the universe and so we all deserve universal benefits... even if we are more successful than other members of the universe.

Jordan:  Yeah, that's right. We might be better than everybody else, but we still deserve to be treated as members of the universe just like everyone else is.

Becks:  You's so right, Babes. We deserve what everyone else gets even though we's better than what they are.

Jordan:  Can I just ask you one question?

Becks:  Yeah? What's that?

Jordan:  What's child benefit?

Becks:  Child benefit? Don't ask me, Babes. I only heard about it today. But what I do know is, it's wrong to cut it for people like us.

Jordan:  Oh, yeah. I'm completely with you there, Babes. I don't what it is either. But it's completely wrong to cut it for people like us.

Becks:  Well said, Babes.

Jordan:  Thanks, Babes. Shall we get another bottle of Chardonnay?

AD in High Definition

Do you ever wonder about the causes of boredom? Is there a name for the fidgety feeling you get while sitting through Wagner's Ring Cycle? Does the medical profession have a term for the restlessness that means you just can't sit still. The answer is a resounding yes. It's called Attention Deficit in High Definition - or ADHD for short. In an exciting breakthrough, scientists have declared that boredom is in fact a hereditary condition and what's more, it can be treated with drugs.

Whether you're a young adult or just a big kid you now have an excuse for pissing about when really you should be getting on with the task in hand. No longer will you have to say, "I can't do my homework because it's boring, Mummy", or "I don't want to repaint the living room because it's tiresome, darling". You simply claim to be suffering from Attention Deficit in High Definition. And you know what? Your nearest and dearest will rally round and ask you if you'd like some nice drugs.

We wondered what other sparkling titles scientists could cook up to describe ordinary, everyday emotions, sentiments and feelings. Here's a list:-

- SSHD - Sadness Syndrome (in High Definition)

- SSHD - Shyness Syndrome (in High Definition)

- AMHD - Anger Manifestation (in High Definition)

- DSHD - Desperate for a Shag (in High Definition)

- POHD - Pissed Off (in High Definition)

Let's hope one day the above emotions and feelings can be treated with over the counter drugs. It would certainly herald a bright new future, a brave new world. And what's more, it would be one way of dealing with Shareholder Unrest at Declining Pharma Stocks (SUDPSHD).

Quantitative Sleazing

"I promise to pay the bearer on demand the sum of twenty pounds..."

We recognise those words, do we not, ladies and gentlemen? But what do they mean? I'll tell you. They mean, when you present a note, a twenty pound note, that's exactly what you're entitled to: the sum of twenty pounds. You could view it as a binding contract."


"Hello. I am an exceedingly important member of the Bank of All England. And I help determine monetary policy. I have come here today to talk to you about quantitative easing and its applications. Now, quantitative easing is something we at the Bank undertake when there is a recession - when the economy is in the doldrums and we want to spice things up a bit. It is then, and only then, we resort to quantitative easing - or to give it its old fashioned title - printing money."

"We have to print this money, folks, because a slowing of the money supply has resulted in a lack of economic activity. At times like these, people are not of a mind to open their wallets and spend their hard earned cash. And this lack of spending, or should I say, lack of a desire to spend, simply perpetuates stagnation.

"So we at the Bank take it upon ourselves to increase the money supply and, consequently, economic activity, by printing money and allowing it to circulate through the economy. We are of the opinion that this will get things moving, free up the system, loosen the old bowels of the economy if you will. Banks can start trading this money with other banks, and, with no less an entity than the government itself. And this semblance of activity will make ordinary folk assume that the stale old economy has sprung back into life. They will become confident that "happy days are here again" and they will start spending their own cash. It worked in Weimar Germany and in Mr Mugabe's Zimbabwe. And indeed, we think it should, similarly, work here.

"Now there are of course some naysayers, some pessimists, who will suggest that this is all a con. They'll point out it's all well and good having a binding contract saying "we promise to pay the bearer on demand the sum of twenty pounds". But what's the point of such a contract if what's promised has been diluted, watered down, by the person who made the promise in the first place? These cynics suggest it's like buying a bottle of malt whisky for twenty pounds, only to find the whisky has been watered down to the point where it tastes like donkey urine. Indeed there are others who state, with some temerity in my view, that the only people who benefit are the investment bankers who merrily trade this "new money" and make fat commissions on their trades."

"And though I may sympathise with these sentiments, might I ask: Do you have any better ideas? For it is all well and good bashing bankers. But these bankers are the lifeblood of our nation - as well they demonstrated back in 2008. Might I also remind you that, though we may live in a democracy, this does not mean that you, the people, have any say over monetary policy. Indeed not! You have not the slightest understanding of monetary policy. Nor should you. That is why you employ fine men (and women) like me and my associates to handle such complex affairs - as indeed we did so convincingly in 2008!"

"So I say: Leave monetary policy to the people who know about these things, to the people who have spent their lives deciding such matters. We at the Bank of All England have demonstrated on countless occasions that we, and we alone, know how to wreck, then rescue the economy. You, the people, have not the faintest idea how to engineer the wonderful monetary roller-coaster we have seen in recent years. And nor should you!

"And so I will end my peroration by saying to you: You, the people... you should look after the pennies. And The Bank - The Bank of All England - shall indeed look after itself."

Bean counter

The Bank of England's deputy governor Charlie Bean has urged the country to spend like there were no tomorrow to boost the economy. Speaking to Channel 4 News last night, he said he wanted to see people "not saving more but spending more."

His comments have raised eyebrows - it is widely accepted that a policy of unchecked spending was responsible for the financial crisis of 2008. To some this is simply an attempt to re-inflate the bubble that burst so spectacularly back then.

"What I am not advocating is a return to boom and bust. I'm saying that the only way to get us out of this bust is a return to boom - which is entirely different."

"We need to spend, spend, spend. I say: Don't hoard all your money in silly old bank accounts. Go out and fritter it away on items you don't really need, like iFads and expensive watches? Isn't it about time you traded in that old banger and bought a brand new car that'll start depreciating as soon as you get it out of the showroom? And what about houses and DIY? I see that property programmes are making a come back. Well now's the time to buy a new house. Let's face it, you can only lose out if property prices go down. Otherwise you're as safe as houses."

"Marx once said: Men make their own histories, but not always in circumstances of their own choosing. Well, we at the Bank of England have always made our own histories, but we have done so in a dog's dinner of our own choosing. Let's face it, we're the experts and you people should hang on our every word, just as you did during the last boom which served you well until it all went horribly wrong!"

"And I'll tell you something else. After I received my massive bonus this year, I didn't go and bung it in a savings account. No! I went straight out and bought an iFad. Needless to say, I don't know what to do with it, but wherever I go everybody looks at me enviously and thinks I'm wonderful. Now you too can be wonderful. Dust off that moldy old bank account, take out your life savings and blow it all on Rolex watches, BMWs and Internet gambling. And if you have any money left over, follow my lead and buy an iFad. You won't regret it (until tomorrow). Happy days are here again..."

(This statement is endorsed by the makers of iFad - "Bringing thousands of pointless apps into your living room!")

The Brothers Grim

Once upon a time there were two brothers named Ed and Dave. And they had a father called Ralph who was a famous academic. Ed and Dave wanted to be different from their father and forge a "new style of politics."

Dave said: "We're better read than Dad and we know politics is about tough decisions."

Ed replied: "Yes we need to make our own way in life and to be seen to be young and thrusting."

Dave, who was a neophiliac replied. "I agree, brother. New is the new old."

Ed then added: "Or is old the new new?"

Dave looked troubled and said: "Maybe you're right brother. But then again, who cares? We just want to get into power."

The truth was that neither brother was really that new. They had both been part of a gang called the "New Has-Beens" which had made a name for itself maxing out credit cards and engaging in globalised gang warfare. When the old gang leader called Gordon decided he'd had enough of this warfare, the brothers Grimiband (as they were known) fought to take over the gang. But first they had to take on the might of Ed "Absolute" Balls and "Steak" Diane, who was so-named because of her fondness for steaks. They also had to take on Andy Birnham Wood, who wasn't much of a foe, so they ignored him.

But the stakes were high. They knew that by leading the gang they could make loads of money. So they set out to raise their public profiles by turning the leadership election into a soap opera. They saw that this approach had worked for their predecessors Tony and Gordon. And so it should work for them.

"I'll pretend to be on the right," said Dave

"And I'll pretend to be on the left," said Ed.

"And then everybody will think we're more interesting." they proclaimed in unison.

But the truth was that neither brother was very interesting. They had both been "yes-men" in the Gordon's gang and had never really distinguished themselves. Their idea of "new thinking" was employing the services of "think-tanks" which peddled lots of redundant ideas that were ultimately responsible for the decline of their gang. But they didn't really care. They knew they could still make lots of money for themselves and their friends, because they had a secret weapon. It was called the "Magic Revolving Door". And that was the ultimate prize of leading gangs.

"Never forget the Magic Revolving Door, brother," said Dave. "And if we continue with this soap opera, we will one day achieve it."

"Yes," replied Ed. "All I think about all day is the Magic Revolving Door. For that is what leading the gang is all about."

"But I've just had a thought, brother."

"Yes, brother?"

"Maybe we should call it something else - so people don't suspect we're just greedy."

"I agree brother, but what should we call it?"

"I know," said Dave. "Let's call it the New Magic Revolving Door."

"That's brilliant brother. No one will ever suspect."

And so the brothers set out to portray themselves as young and thrusting and very, very new and very interesting, and everyone knew that one of them would win the crown one day. And one of them inevitably did, but that is the subject of the next chapter as we shall discover.

Sleep well, everyone.