The narrative is dead. Long live the narrative.

Gordon: (Shaking his head) Where, Tony? Where did I go wrong?

Tony: Sorry to say it, Gordy old chum. It was your narrative.

Gordon: Narrative? We had the narrative all worked out. Sure start, schools, NHS. That was our narrative.

Tony: Your narrative?

Gordon: Our narrative, Tony. Our narrative.

Tony: Maybe they didn’t believe it. Your narrative

Gordon: But...

Tony: Banks.

Gordon: What?

Tony: Banks. People think, thought that your narrative is, was, you know... banks.

Gordon: But, they believed you when you came out with all the NHS stuff. And yet, look at you... Banks? JP Morgan?

Tony: Yep. So? They looked at me and they er, you know, decided that... (Smiles).

Gordon: (Shakes head again and says slowly, pensively) They... looked... at... you.

(Long pause)

Gordon: A hung parliament. A hung parliament. So what’s the narrative there? Where's the narrative?

Tony: Did you see the Conservative party political?

Gordon: Hung parliament broadcast?

Tony: Yep.

Gordon: Could hardly miss it.

Tony: Farce. That’s what they were saying.

Gordon: What?

Tony: Farce. They were saying that the narrative of a hung parliament is farce.

Gordon: What kind of a narrative is that?

Tony: (Smiles) Indeed. What kind of a narrative is that?

(To be continued)

When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lighting or in rain?

Terry Eagleton – An Apology

In his new book On Evil, the academic Terry Eagleton revises his opinion of ‘The Scottish Play”

“Twenty years ago,” he says, “I mistakenly suggested that the three witches, with their ‘fair is foul and foul is fair’ philosophy, were feminist visionaries who wanted to subvert the old - patriarchal – order of King Duncan.

“I now realise that nothing could be further from the truth. Once you become a member of the establishment, ALL subversion is destructive and negative. I now accept that these secret, black,& midnight hags were in fact nothing more than a bunch of nihilist bitches, I mean, witches.

“I would like to add that I am not, and have never been a member of the establishment.”

Mirror, Mirror on the wall

This website agrees with the Daily Mirror! We must not return to the 1980s.

Indeed it would be a tragedy were we to return to the dark days of the Thatcher government, when Robert Maxwell was editor of the Daily Mirror!

Product Placement

Breaking News - Jo Malone says: "BBC doesn't do product placement!" Andrew Lloyd Webber endorses statement

Prime Minister Brown says: “I told you so.”

Gordon Brown wishes people had listened to him back in the 1980s when he warned that investment bankers were a bunch of greedy, reckless gamblers.

“Over recent years many people probably thought I was in favour of these casino capitalists as they created their toxic mortgage-backed securities that almost brought the Western economies to their knees. But nothing could be further from the truth.”

“It was only for the eleven years I was Chancellor of the Exchequer that I labelled the City of London “a creative hotbed and a centre of wealth generation.” It was only for eleven years that I gave these charlatans free rein to bleed this country dry.”

“But may I remind you, before this, back in the days of the evil Maggie Thatcher, I used to call these pinstriped terrorists a bunch of dodgy geysers who would sell their own grandmothers - or words to that effect.

“I say to you now: It is the other people who told me to make friends with these fat cats who really bear the responsibility for the financial meltdown that occurred in 2008. I, Gordon, fought long and hard against the off-balance sheet vehicles that these bankers and their creative accountant buddies in America employed to hide the true nature of debt, of their liabilities. And I did this by appropriating these very off-balance sheet vehicles and by putting them to good use hiding my own government’s debt instead.

“But sadly, it was to no avail.”

“I stand here before you today and I say with my hand on my heart: I, Gordon was right all along. Everyone should have listened to me when I said how bad these greedy bastards were. And as for all my old mates at Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan, and as for the Goldman bankers currently advising my government, I say simply this: Repent! Repent! Don’t be stupid, be like Gordon. Become a penitent sinner.

“Indeed, as the son of a Manse, and as a deeply, deeply religious soul, I will remind you that it was Jesus himself who threw the money lenders out of the Temple. Now, I personally think that this was going just a teensy-weensy bit too far. I would have let them stay in the Temple and even allowed them to carry on advising Pontius Pilate for the time being. And yet I still say unto these money-lenders: Repent! Repent! Or at least, please try to show that you are thinking about repenting. Could you? Please?

“And indeed when I Gordon Brown leave this office of No.10, I will no doubt go back to the very Manse where I was born and where I grew up. And verily will I re-examine my religious roots, those roots that gave me the moral compass that I possess even unto this day.

“Yeah, verily. That is what I Gordon, Son of Manse, shall do. Unless, of course, these banking scoundrels, these Satans, put temptation my way and offer me a lucrative job in the City of London, trying to sort out the total hash they’ve made of things. And, of course, I will not abandon them in their hour of need - but only because I possess an extremely charitable nature.

“Yeah verily.”

“The bastards.”

Election - Leaders’ Debate – The serious questions

There are two questions that must be asked and / or answered tonight. They are:-

Question one - Is it true that scientists have found a use for the 90 million doses of swine flu vaccine that the government has stockpiled?

Question two - In the light of the financial contagion that is currently sweeping across Southern Europe, is it possible that the next occupant of No.10 will be called upon to save the world (again)?

World first!! Latin blog will re-examine the Trojan Horse!!!

Coming soon – this blog will migrate to the ancient world with the introduction of the world’s first “Blogus Latinus”.

Here is a snippet - from Virgil’s Aeneid, Book Two, where the prophet Laocon warns the Trojans against accepting the wooden horse that the Greeks have left at their gates.

“Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes.”

Loosely translated this mean: “I fear Greeks, especially those bearing gifts.”

I hope that Classics scholars amongst you will enjoy this departure. More soon...

(NB: The use of the word “Greeks” here is nothing to do with the country Greece, which is currently in the midst of a major financial crisis. It is in fact a reference to the terminology adopted by investment bankers at banks such as Goldman Sachs when considering the calculus of risk pertaining to a particular trade – As in: “Hey, Brad, I’m going long gamma”. Please also note that as with all financial products sold by investment banks, the value of these investments can go down as well as down.)

Election Holiday

The febrile nature of this election campaign has become too much for me and I have decided to take a short break.

Calm down, dear boy

(Michael Winner asks his old mate Michael Caine to do an esure commercial with him. They are lounging by the pool, sipping cocktails.)

MC: You know, Mikey boy. Don't get me wrong or nothing. I know these ads are really important to you and the such like. But I think I'm getting a bit too long in the old tooth to start selling insurance. Don't you?

MC: Nonsense, my boy. You're never too old to do an E-sure ad. What about me, Mikey? What about Uncle Michael. I'm no spring chicken - even if the ladies might say otherwise.

MC: Oh yeah, we all know about you and the ladies, don't we?

MC: Not that I want to brag, Michael, my boy. But I'll tell you what. There have been a lot more of those ladies since I started doing the Esure ads. I can tell you.

MC: Really, Mikey?

MC: Really, Michael.

MC: What like young ladies? You don't mean, like those ones in the ads that you say "calm down" to?

MW: Oh puh-lease, Michael. What do you think I'm like?

MC: I know what you're like, Mikey! I do indeed!

MW: Anyway, look... we must move on. Time is money and all that! What I had in mind was an insurance ad that could have come straight out of a caper movie... like the Italian Job.

MC: Oh, goody goody. Been ages since I done a caper movie!

MW: Precisely... as you say. You're no spring chicken.

MC: Excuse me, Mikey! Was that you just ribbing me just then?

MW: (Dismisses this with a wave) Anyway you... you are doing a bank heist. And you have some dolt of a safe cracker who is going to work on a ten inch steel door. He screws it up royally. And then you shout: "You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off."

MC: Oh... love it. I haven't said anything like that for ages... Probably not since, I don't know, Get Carter.

MW: (Looks at him quizically) Right.. Yes. You okay, my boy?

MC: Have never felt better, Mikey!

MW: Anyway... I then come a long and I say - wait for it -

MC: (Cuts in) Zulus, Zulus bloody everywhere!

MW: Please, Michael. Don't be so absurd. I come in and say: "Calm down dear. It's only a commercial."

MC: Yeah of course... Of course... But pardon me if I'm a bit slow today, Mikey, but why would someone doing a bank job have bought insurance? It just ain't right. The boys'd never bother with something as namby pamby as insurance. Not on a bank job. That's more like...

MW: Oh please, Michael. Don't be so literal minded. Remember - It's a commercial.

MC: Nah Mikey... Calm down, it's only a commercial. (Chuckles to himself)

MW: Yes, Michael. Very drole. Very drole indeed.

MC: Thought you'd like that one Mikey.

MW: Yes, it was a classic, Michael.

MC: Yeah and who are you supposed to be Mikey? You're not Mr Bridger, are ya?

MW: No, of course I'm not Mr Bridger, Michael. How utterly ridiculous. Bridger was played by Noel Coward. Nothing like me.

MC: I could see it Mikey, I really could (puts on Noel Coward voice)  C-c-c-calm down, dear boy, will you please? It is only... a c-c-commercial. Indeed is it not? Do ya like my Coward impersonation, Mikey?

MW: (Scratching his head) You know, Michael...

MC: What?

MC: I think... You might have something there.

MC: I think I might too, actually.

MW: Might have to work on it a bit. But, I just wonder... Interesting departure, it would be, but... could just possibly be a goer.

MC: Well, we're old troopers aren't we Mikey? If anyone can bring a bit of business to an Esure ad, Michaels Caine and Winner certainly can.

MW: I think you'll find the billing would be MCs Winner and Caine.

MC: On an ad, Mikey? Don't think so.

MW: Anyway this is by the by, MC. You're suggesting that I put on my best Noel Coward voice on and play Mr Bridger? (Plays around with it) C-Calm down... Calm, c-c-ccalm... d-d-down... Dear... Deeear boy....

MC: Yeah. I bet you always fancied yourself as Noel Coward.

MW: I beg your pardon? I most certainly did not. He was most definitely not one for the ladies I can tell you that!

MC: Calm down, calm down, Mikey. Just having a laugh.

MW: Yes, very funny, Michael.

MC: Having a laugh, mate

MW: Yes, you said

MC: Although maybe you ought to get married soon... Other wise they'll be saying: Look at Mikey Winner... Unmarried? At his age?... And what's more he is frolicking around doing all these Noel Coward impersonations... You know, like, what's with this: "Calm down, dear boy" routine? Whatever next? He'll be making a musical next, I shouldn't wonder. And maybe, who knows, doing an impersonation of Noel Coward in the lead role.

MW: What on earth are you talking about? Doing a musical? Puh-lease! This is all becoming rather surreal...  (He sits thinking about it for a moment... then frowns). Although...

MC: Yeah?

MW: Although... Actually, come to think of it...

MC: Yes?

MW:  You know... You might be onto something there...

MC: Might I, Mikey?

MW: Yes.... Come to think of it... What is the one last great thing I have left to do? A musical of course! You know... You might... just be onto something!

MC: There you go Mikey boy. Trust old MC to suggest your piece of resistance! I've just given you your next project, I have.

MW: (He sits nodding, stares into space, sipping his drink. Then all of a sudden his face drops. He slowly begins to shake his head.) No...

MC: No?

MW: No. Wouldn't work, this musical.

MC: No? I thought we was onto something there.

MW: No, Michael... it couldn't work...

MC: Why's that then?

MW: Well... for a start... Charlie Bronson isn't around any more, is he...? And I just couldn't do it without Charlie? Could I?

MC: (Ponders) Oh... I see your point, Mikey... Nah, you couldn't really do your musical, your musical piece of resistance without Charlie. Could ya?

MW: I'm afraid... Sadly not.

Volcanic eruption! An apology.

The other day I suggested that Prime Minister Brown was angry about the ash cloud that has halted all flights. We are in the middle of an election and should be focused on who governs Britain, not on some volcano that we can do precious little about.

I would like to correct this: The ash cloud has given the Prime Minister a photo opportunity. Flanked by Lord Mandelson and Foreign Secretary Miliband, he can once again pretend that he is the saviour of our nation. He can appear invaluable; he can tell us that he won't abandon us in our hour of need. He will show us his mettle, he...

Hold on, hold on, Gordon. No one believes any of this. This is UTTERLY pathetic. Stop thinking that photo opportunities will save you. Do you have that low an opinion of the British people???

Morgan the Vulture and Barcode Bob

Summer 2010 - St Jean - Morgan peers out over the Med - Matt's point about 'Goldie' is bothering him. Has he tapped into something significant - public anger, public disquiet? People see blood-sucking parasites everywhere they look nowadays. The papers bang on about vampire squid and vultures. Last night at Le Cap, he listened in as a bunch of wealthy humans discussed 'bankers': "They're going for Goldie; who's next? Barcode Bob?"

He thinks: Goldie? Do humans have their own 'Goldies' - their own bloodsuckers? Maybe every species has its parasites - like every species has its mugs, its slaves, its worker bees. And what of Barcode Bob? Does he deserve what's coming to him? What exactly is coming to him? Being a parasite - was it okay once? But now... a bit last season?

He asks Matt where that other 'Goldie' - the squid - lives, and pays him a visit. The squid and the vulture know right away - forget Darwin - that they're same species. They get on like a house on fire, swallowing endless Martinis and ramming enough coke up their breathing apparatus to kill a horse . "Every creature," says Goldie, "Every 'Morgan', every 'Goldie' can go too far sometimes - if they're allowed. Like drug addicts, they'll take everything they can lay their hands on. But because we're talking money here, and because money ain't a drug - not officially at least - they can say to the political animals, the self styled kings of beasts: DON'T tell us what to do. DON'T regulate us. This is real life. This is not a drug... or some kindergarten fantasy. You CANNOT regulate real life... Oh, and just to show we're on the right side, and that we really do care.... here, have some of our, like, earnings, our largesse... and why not come and stay some time? And now, could you please run along and kindly get the fuck out of our lives."

"Well, well, well. I cannot tell you how often I have used that line." says Morgan

Goldie laughs. "Me too."

"It works. Every time."

"Maybe it shouldn't. Sometimes we need to be saved from ourselves."

"Sometimes... perhaps. I know a lot of dead vultures... guys who were a little too greedy. Ended up eating their own livers, their own viscera."

"Yuk. Heard similar stories."

"Problem is, Goldie, these self-styled "political animals" - the ones who say they'll contend with the really greedy guys - they can end up going too far in the other direction... stopping everything. Or sometimes they say they'll stop the greed... until they get a taste for it."

"You know why that is?"

"I got a view. Love to hear yours."

"They're only in it for themselves... this political class, this leadership class"

"They'd deny that, most of them. And I've argued this, both sides, many times."

"Believe me. They are. Some of them don't even realise it. A lot of it's psychological, why they want power... You know, fucked up childhoods, hang-ups about being short, that kinda thing."

"Anyway, there's some other Goldie, I understand - some human Goldie - and apparently, he's going down.

"Yep. Got too greedy, they say. One of them banker guys."

"Something else I overheard at Le Cap... Who's this Barcode Bob guy they're talking about?"

"Barcode Bob, the Bottomfeeder. Ha! I reckon... I reckon they might indict him on similar charges as Goldie at some point. More greed... He was doing fine, making a stack. Then he and his bottom feeder associates, they thought they'd tart up some low grade innards and other crap and then - get this - sell it to the big, big fish - the sharks, the barracuda, even the whales. Can you believe it?"

"Jeeeesuz! I thought those guys never touched that kind of stuff."

"Yep," replies the squid. "Never as simple as it seems though is it?"

"You're not kidding."

"And I'll tell you something else."

"What's that?"

"They say Barcode Bob knows where one or two bodies are buried."

"Bodies? Really?"

"Oh, yeah."

(To be continued...)

Election Debate - The Director's Cut

We all know they had to stick to the rules. And we know these rules were agreed months ago. But most people don't know about the cut.

This is all we have to go on... For now at least.


Alistair Stewart: This question is from Adrian. He comes from Basingstoke and has a question about banking.

Adrian: What would each of the leaders do to avoid a repeat of the banking crisis of 2008?

David: It is clear what occurred two years ago was simply unacceptable. The ex-Chancellor, the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was clearly out of touch... on the back foot, from the start of the Northern Rock debacle, through to the Icelandic Banking Crisis. He is now still out of touch because he has neither the will nor the desire to build an international consensus on banking regulation. The Conservatives would abandon his reactive approach and act proactively to formulate policies such as the separation of retail and investment banking. This would ensure that "shutting the stable door" would never again happen.

Alistair Stewart: Gordon?

Gordon: I can announce today that a Labour government will pass legislation to ensure that British air space will never again be subject to Icelandic volcanic eruptions, including those that start in America. We must safeguard our airspace, our airlines, our air miles, our airports that pay homage to consumer capitalism with duty free, the financial interests of those who travel on aeroplanes, the businesses that depend on this essential transport service...

David: (Rudely) Yeah, yeah. We get it, windbag. Change the record.

Alistair Stewart: Please gentlemen!

Gordon: (Ignoring both) Never again will a British airport or a British plane be endangered by a foreign volcano. We will have a Volcano Day when the British people can come together and discuss the issues surrounding Icelandic, and indeed other nearby volcanic eruptions. We will promise a policy of British airspace for British flyers.

Alistair Stewart: Nick?

Gordon: (Interrupts) Can I also add that Nick agrees with everything I say, so he can simply endorse my views, if he finds it easier.

Nick: Yeah, right. Thanks, Gordon. (Whispers) Ass-hole.

Alistair Stewart: Please, Gordon. You've had your go.

Gordon: Can I smile?

Alistair Stewart: Please, please, Gordon! Over to you Nick...

Nick: Our party is clearly not going to win, so I can be, like, slightly more relaxed and flexible and say things that the other two leaders could never risk saying? I will be the one who looks good, appears laid back, smiles sweetly, winks knowingly and occasionally kinda purrs... I'm the guy who says things that make people feel comfortable - especially the ladies - I just luv to put the gals at their ease. I am essentially… cool... Co-oo-ool! And in the event of a well-hung Parliament, ladies, I will fight for the best possible deal for British guys and, most important, British gals. The best deal, that's right... Which is also, like, cool... Or at least, if not cool, it'll be kinda cosy. Capiche?