John Terry - Correction

In a 3rd Feb. post on John Terry it was suggested that Mr. Terry's private life was not simply his business. It was also that of tabloid journalists, proprietors and their readers, as well as that of publicists such as Max Clifford, The Premier League and, of course, the football supporters.

There was however a serious omission which we would like to correct. Mr Terry's private life is, of course, also the business of libel lawyers. Without these brave men and women, the private lives of celebrities would be incomplete. In fact the difference that libel - and of course divorce - lawyers make to the rich and famous and their cherished private lives is incalculable. It is safe to say that their greatest contribution to date, the super-injunction, is considered a 'must-have' item for these jet-setters - and that includes those simply coming to London to sample the wonders of our celebrity-orientated legal system

Sadly, it is not possible to amend the post in question to include the specific details of the business that the lawyers undertook in the John Terry case. Our learned friends have stated in no uncertain terms that whilst Mr Terry's business might indeed be their business, their business is most certainly not any of our business. And we might just add, we're bound to agree. Totally bound.

(Shaun, are we actually allowed to say all / any of the above? Please check.)

Best little whore-house in Westminster

Prime Minister Gordon Brown evoked the spirit of Margaret Thatcher today as he tried to repair damage caused by the expenses scandal.

He announced: "It is fair to say that, were Mrs Thatcher around today, she could reasonably expect to be a member of my Cabinet. And it is with her in mind that I state:-
"Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we vote Labour."

The Prime Minister wept briefly then added: "This speech is brought to you by MPs-R-Us - Preserving traditions and keeping Parliament 'The Mother of all Whore-Houses'."

Careers Handbook

No.86 Member of Parliament

Why become an MP? The common answer is, "I want to give something back to the community." And for most MPs this means generously lavishing policies generated by think-tanks and focus groups on communities that want solutions to simple problems such as crime and anti-social behaviour. In certain instances policies might be the product of long cherished beliefs, although this is becoming less common nowadays.

An important reason for becoming an MP is of course the desire for power, though this is not always possible for those MPs who languish for most of their lives on the back benches. It is generally accepted that high office is best achieved through frequent displays of sycophancy. An ability to jettison one's conscience, or better still, to have it removed before entering the House, is prerequisite as only those who vote consistently with the government are in with a chance of reaching Cabinet.

Finally, what of the financial rewards? These can vary from the large to the staggering, depending on the individual MP's greed and selfishness. Anything from pornographic movies through to duck-houses and non-existent mortgages can be claimed on expenses as are any similar items that are essential to the MP in the day to day performance of his duties. A great perk is the freedom to undertake non-parliamentary employment. Many MPs are owned by multinationals, lobbyists and other organisations that simply seek a better understanding of parliamentary business. It is generally accepted that the vast sums they pay to the MPs have no effect whatsoever on their voting behaviour. This is because these companies are totally opposed to bribery, and probably have no idea what bribery is anyway. Therefore no significance should be attached to the commonly heard cry of lobbyists, as they approach Westminster, "I'm gonna buy me a Member."

After Parliament they can continue working in industry and commerce, but, as before, not in a way that is prejudicial to the parliamentary process. Parliamentarians, both serving and former, cherish the privileges that come with the job, and will do all that they can to protect them. And it is generally accepted that they are on the whole an honest bunch of men and women, except, of course, for those who are not.

Members of Parliament are well aware of the old and venerable institution that they serve and they will always strive to ensure that its standing remains above that of prostitution, drug smuggling and other ancient practices that have similarly stood the test of time.

Live by the sordid, die by the sordid - Abridged version

(Two football supporters sit in a pub discussing the fate of John Terry, football captain, and his extra-marital affair.)

Melvyn: Bloody disgrace. As long as he does what he needs to on the pitch, I couldn't give a toss. What he does with his private life's his business.

Mart: Yeah. His business... Although then, you could say, its your business now.

Live by the sordid, die by the sordid

(Two football supporters sit in a pub discussing the fate of John Terry, football captain, and his extra-marital affair.)

Melvyn: Bloody disgrace. As long as he does what he needs to on the pitch, I couldn't give a toss. What he does with his private life's his business.

Mart: Yeah. His business... Although then, you could say, its your business now.

Melvyn: How do you mean?

Mart: Well, its your newspaper; you bought it. So John Terry's affair is your business as well now.

Melvyn: Yeah, well it is now, I suppose.

Mart: And its the business of that newspaper.

Melvyn: You what? How do you mean, the business of the newspaper?

Mart: That's what the newspaper is in business for. To investigate stories like that. That's it's business.

Melvyn: Well, I suppose, when you put it that way.

Mart: And it's Max Clifford's business.

Melyvn: Wait a minute...

Mart: That's how he earns an honest crust. By getting involved in stories like this.

Melvyn: Yeah, but business. When I said business...

Mart: And its the Premier league's business...

Melvyn: Hold on...

Mart: Only a Premier League gets premier publicity, premier coverage.

Melvyn: But, but, I didn't mean it in that sense.

Mart: And it's the supporters' business.

Melvyn: What? Supporters' business? You can't say that. They didn't want to hear about his affair.

Mart: Which is why they didn't bother reading about it, did they?

Melvyn: Fair enough, so once it was out there, they did read about it. But even with all that, it doesn't automatically mean he deserves to have his private life investigated.

Mart: But this isn't any private life. This is a Premier League private life. That's why you pay so much for your season ticket and your football shirt. You're up there with the best of them. But even when you fly first class, you don't get to choose which passengers you fly with.

Melvyn: You what? Listen, I'm just saying that everyone deserves their bit of privacy. That's like the most precious thing you can have. Even more precious for someone who has so much publicity in their everyday life already.

Mart: Which is precisely why everyone wants a piece of the action... Because John Terry's privacy is... big business.

Melvyn: Yes. But that's doesn't make it right. Does it?

Culture and Entertainment News

The greatest joke ever written - Martin Amis has shown that even at sixty he hasn't lost his touch. In advance of his 12th novel, The Pregnant Widow, he has written what some critics are calling 'the greatest joke ever written'. In an interview to the Guardian newspaper today he claimed: "I am probably the biggest feminist since Norman Mailer. I have been a feminist as long as I can remember. Salman Rushdie showed me what to do. And it only took a day."
The joke was so brilliant and the laughter so intense that the interview couldn't continue. Although Amis did manage to squeeze out one last utterance as he left: "Dad always said that I was probably the best writer since Kingsley Amis."

Geeks bearing gaffes - Apple Corporation has pointed out that it is in no way connected to the apple mentioned in Genesis: The Garden of Eden. A spokesman said, "One is the quintessential temptation of man and has generated billions of gullible followers worldwide. The other is just a religious parable written long, long ago."

I Claudius - The estate of Robert Graves would like to point out to anyone who knows what a book is that the Apple iPad is in no way connected to Graves' historical novel. "The Emperor Claudius lived two thousand years ago and we still know of him now. What's more, his name might still be around in two thousand years time."

Coming soon: A debate - "The rule of lawyers"

From the role and the legitimacy of the UN through to the power of super-injunctions, we will be considering the hegemony of law. We will be asking:

- Is this the age of the lawyer?

- Do we all now bow down to just one God: The Law?

- And do politicians who think government ultimately boils down to legislation create rods for their own backs?


Is it fair to say: Live by the law, die by the law?

(Shaun, please check there's nothing libelous in the above.)

Yawn-Pad special offer!!

As of today this blog will become the marketing arm of any mobile technology manufacturer that is happy to stump up the cash.

This week the Nectarine Corporation of America received acres of publicity for its new Yawn-Pad from a leading broadsheet newspaper sometimes known, mistakenly in our view, as the Custodian (of the chattering classes).

It is clear that the Custodian got given wads of cash for this publicity. And if it did not, then it is hardly the 'Custodian' (of its own income) that it thinks it is.

If you would like some publicity on this blog, please give generously. Failing that, pay for an ad or two. Or something.

The Iron-on Chancellor

Chancellor Alistair Darling today demonstrated his courage, his independence and his initiative by standing up to no less a man than the President of the United States. He has been holding private talks with British financiers who wish to head off President Obama's tough new curbs on the financial sector.

Chancellor Darling proclaimed before a packed audience of senior bankers: "If anyone is going to boss me around and treat me as their lick-spittle it is going to be the Investment Banking community."

The statement met with rapturous applause and in some cases tears (of laughter), as bankers congratulated one another on their "restrained sodomising of the Chancellor."

Mr Darling, frequently displaying his trademark sycophancy, continued: "You gentlemen have done so much for the British people, for the British taxpayer over recent years. And what is more you have made men like myself feel important, feel needed. It would be no exaggeration to say that I view myself as your humble servant."

He concluded: "And when Labour loses the next election, might I be so bold as to suggest that I do in fact become your humble servant in a rather more literal sense... if I may say so, in a more directly employed sense."

The audience was clearly moved and the Chancellor then proceeded to wander around the hall, pressing flesh and continuing his ass-licking 'offensive' with individual members of the banking community until the early hours of the morning, or until they had grown tired of rogering him senseless.

Sustainable trickle-down

A report by an inequality panel has revealed that the gap between rich and poor has widened under Labour. The report called An Anatomy of Economic Inequality in the UK found that the household wealth of the top 10% of the population is over 100 times higher than the wealth of the poorest 10%.

Responding to the report the Prime Minister said that the findings were surprising in view of his support for the banking system over recent years. "By allowing bankers, among others, to make huge wads of cash this government has created a strong basis for sustainable 'trickle down'. As we all know, 'trickle-down' is the means by which the poor benefit from the increasing wealth of the rich. As the rich get richer the 'trickle-down' becomes more rapid and enriches the poor.

"Now, not only have I made the rich richer since Labour came to power, but in 2008 when it looked as though the rich would get poorer I gave money to the banks to ensure that the rich would stay rich. This meant that bonuses could be paid to the bankers and they could in turn pay taxes back into the public coffers and spend their money on goods and services that benefited the poor."

The Prime Minister continued, "It is indeed surprising that the trickle down has not yet worked, but this is the best evidence yet that this government needs a fourth term, in order to complete its work, and to ensure ultimately that more trickles down to the poor."

Finally the Prime Minister was asked, "Wouldn't it have been easier if you had given all that money directly to the poor?"

He replied, "We are not a charity."

Sinking feeling

(Two men in a boat. One is controlling the outboard motor, the other is pumping water from the hull for all he's worth. They are in a race and trying to get to the finishing line.)

Mr Brown: Keep pumping, Mr Darling. We are still afloat, still above the watermark, I tell you
Mr Darling: I do not know how long I can keep on pumping, Mr Brown.
Mr Brown: So long as you keep on pumping out more water than is coming in through the hull, then we'll reach tha' finishing line safe and sound.
Mr Darling: But Mr Brown, do the rules of the race allow a wrecked craft to win?
Mr Brown: I tell you, Mr Darling. All that the rules state is that we stay afloat and cross the finishing line. And nothing else.
Mr Darling: And when we cross that line, must I then keep on pumping? For if I don't keep pumping, then the craft will surely sink. And how will the judges award the craft the prize?
Mr Brown: I see, ya have a point, Mr Darling. Well, perhaps you could keep pumping until the prize has been given.
Mr Darling: Yes, Mr. Brown?
Mr. Brown: And after that you can let the vessel sink and we'll buy a new one and give it the same name as the vessel that won.
Mr Darling: But that will surely dilute tha' prize money, Mr Brown?
Mr. Brown: Aye, that it will. But it can nay be helped. Let's just win the race and worry about that when tha' time comes.

Bumbling subterfuge

Gormless Gordon has given cabinet ministers the following instructions: They should accidentally-on-purpose reveal that the election will be held on May 6th. He actually wants to call a snap general election before that date to wrong-foot the opposition. Here is how this subterfuge works:

(Three ministers are being interviewed in the Sky TV studios. They are Bumbling Bob Ainsworth, the Defence Secretary, Europe Minister Chris Bryant and Foreign Secretary David Milipede.)

Sky TV: Mr Ainsworth, do you know the date of the general election? Mr Ainsworth...? Mr Ainsworth?
(Shot of Bob Ainsworth asleep and snoring. Long stick appears from the corner and pokes him. He springs to life.)
Bumbling Bob: Yes? Yes?. What? The election? I don't know the exact date of the election except that it will be May 6th... Oh, damn, damn, damn. I weren't supposed to say May 6th. Gordon is going to be proper mad at me for revealing that it were May 6th, cos we were trying to keep it a secret.
Chris Bryant: If I might step in there, Bob... can I just add that nothing that my friend Bumbling Bob has said proves that the election will be held on May 6th. Although in all honesty, I really hope that there won't be a Tory government on May 7th. Oh ruddy hell. I don't believe it. You know what I've gone and done?
Bumbling Bob: What have ya gone and done, Chris?
Chris Bryant: I've only gone and told everyone that the election will effectively be on May 6th, haven't I?
Bumbling Bob: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. We're going to be in a proper pickle now aren't we? All these Sky TV viewers are going to think that the election will be on May 6th. And Gormless Gordon said that he would be right mad if we told anyone.
Chris Bryant: He did that, didn't he Bob? To quote, Gormless Gordy said, "I the undersigned will be proper mad if any of you lot reveal that the date of the election will be May 6th."
Sky TV: Sorry gents, can we move on? Mr Miliband... Have you anything to add to what your colleagues almost accidentally revealed just then or would you like to talk about something else?
David Milipede: Yes. I would like to talk about the election threat, I mean the terror threat... The fact is that these people will stop at nothing: they will try every trick in the book, they will use advanced technology, they will use all the mechanisms of open society that we depend on for their own terrible purposes.
Sky TV : Are you referring to Al Qaeda, Mr Miliband?
Milipede : No, I was talking about New Labour, who I hope will get back in on May 6th.
Bumbling Bob: (nudges Chris Bryant) You know what he's just done, don't you Chris?
Chris Bryant: Oh, you're right Bob. He's only gone and revealed the date of the general election.
Bumbling Bob: Dave, son. You weren't supposed to say that.
Milipede: Oh, my God. You're right. Gormless Gordy is going to be mad now. I can't believe it. I actually revealed the bloody election date.
Bumbling Bob: Oh, well. You never know. The viewers might not have noticed. You might have got away with it.
Chris Bryant: You're right there, Bob. It could have been much much worse.
Bumbling Bob: Yes, Chris. Much worse... We could have revealed that the election was actually going to be in March.