Quote of the Century

Money makes the world go round... the bend

Jamie Dimon, the chief executive of JP Morgan, was critical of Obama and his vow to tax cash-rich Wall Street. "Using tax policy to punish people is a bad idea. All businesses tend to pass their costs on to customers," he said.

In the case of investment banking these 'costs' nowadays tend to be called 'bank bailout', or TARP... and they are actually passed on to tax payers as well as to customers. For the record, the costs are passed on when, for example, investment banks have brought the Western economies to the brink of financial meltdown.

Therefore, Jamie "buddy can you spare a" Dimon has a point... in a sense.

Just, not the sense in which he meant it.

Waterstoned

The boss of Waterstone's, Gerry Johnson, relinquished his post this week after the company reported disappointing sales of celebrity memoirs. Johnson championed fresh literary talent such as Jordan, so it seems appropriate to let her comment on his departure.

"I have always loved books, ever since Dad left a copy of Swann's Way by Marcel Proust in the outside toilet. It wasn't in the original French I have to admit - I ain't that clever! - but I decided to pick it up and flick through it because I thought it might help me 'squeeze one out'. From the first paragraph I was gripped by the writer's ceaseless attention to detail. And what's more, I also drink herbal tea for my diet regime, so I know where the writer's coming from! Anyway, after me and Marcel got together, I realised I was meant for a life of writing.

"My route into writing was a bit unconventional though, I can tell you. My mate Dave, who was so clever that he even got into sixth form, told me he knew a thing or two about books. When I asked him how I could be a writer, he said. "There's one way that's tried and tested, darling. Get your kit off and flash your fun-bags." I thought it was a bit odd, but decided to give it a go, since Dave was so clever. (He knows over one hundred different words for breasts!) And guess what. After three boob jobs and a hundred photo-shoots, here I am. A writer in every sense of the word!

"It's really sad that Mr Waterstones has departed as he sort of gave me my lucky break. He decided he wasn't going to be snobby and thought that self made girls and boys could also go on his shelves. And I can tell you, it's really exciting to walk into a bookshop nowadays and see your name up in lights beside literary giants like Philip Roth, John Updike and Ant & Dec. And it also makes me really happy that I live in a really egalitarian society (egalitarian - see, I'm not just a pretty face) where you are judged by things other than just the number of Universities you've been to and how many books you read.

Anyway I just wanted to say my fond farewells to you, Mister Bookworm. Most of what you sell might be rubbish. (Some of these writers are so desperate to get published they even write all their own books, can you believe it?) But at least you had a big heart for a lovely girl with fine pair of chumbawumbas. And we feminists owe it to you for giving us a lucky break and letting us into your egghead world of Jeremy Clarkson and for letting us show the world that we career girls aren't just about big knockers and orange suntans and Hello magazine photo-shoots. No, the truth is that we can also teach the world a thing or two about herbal tea and girls and boys who are in love and, last but not least, about "Temps Perdu"... or should I say "Time is Money"!?!

10 million pound RBS Boss: Even my parents think I'm a greedy fuck.

RBS boss Stephen Hester gave evidence to the Treasury select committee yesterday. This is the transcript of that evidence.

John McFall, MP: What do your parents think of you, Mr Hester?

Hester: They think that I'm a greedy bastard.

(Roars of laughter in the committee room)

McFall: (Wiping tears from his eyes) Very good, Mr Hester. If I may say, that is an excellent joke. And one that I would expect from someone of your great standing. Now moving on, what does your wife think of you?

Hester: She thinks that I am a greedy bastard, but she likes the new kitchen.

(Derision throughout the chamber. Sound of MPs and journalists falling off their chairs)

McFall: You're in the wrong job, Mr Hester. You're a regular comedian, are you not? If I was head of light entertainment at the BBC I would pay you at least twenty million.

Hester: Indeed you would Mr McFall. Indeed you would.

(More laughter and derision.)

McFall: (Fighting to hold back the tears) Too much, too much, Mr Hester... Now, Mr H. What do your children think of you? And please, please take your time. I haven't wiped away all the tears that your last joke caused yet.

Hester: What do my children think? Well, Tom loved the Porsche. Tallulah adored the new pony and paddock, whilst Ed thinks I'm God after I bought him the recording studio.

(The chamber descends into chaos)

McFall: I have never come across such flair, such elegant wit. I am lucky to be here at this moment in time. Indeed, very lucky. Now, Mr Hester, what do your neighbours make of you?

Hester: My neighbours think I'm a greedy bastard. That's because they are envious. They tell people in our local village that I am a tosser. But they have to be nice to my face. You see, each year my family throws the most lavish summer ball in the county. If neighbours Ron and Val don't show due deference whenever they are in my company then they will find themselves very much uninvited. So, Ron and Val... who are the tossers now, eh? Eh?

(Howls of laughter around the chamber)

McFall: (Trying to compose himself) We are witnessing pure genius. No could ever possibly question your salary, however high it be, Mr Hester. You are indeed a man who is not just rich in monetary terms, but also in terms of your character, your spirit and your charming humour. Now, Mr Hester. One final question: What does the taxpayer think of you, do you reckon?

Hester: Taxpayer? Who gives a fuck about them?

News in brief

BBC Director General - Update

The BBC's Mark Thompson has confirmed that senior BBC staff are better than local council officials. In an statement he said: "Do you honestly think that your local council could give you wall-to-wall darts coverage and cheesy, vacuous ballroom dancing competitions?"


A doze by any other name

Banking group Santander has rebranded itself and will from now on go by the name of Santander. A spokesperson announced this morning, "These are exciting times. The one thing that this country needs right now, after the meltdown of 08/09, is a vibrant new banking group. We are happy to announce that Santander is nothing of the sort. It is an assortment of old banks that have been 'reheated' and served up as something new."

Politically correct fashion designer found dead in snow

The body of a famous fashion designer has been discovered at the bottom of a snow drift. The designer who was a supporter of the charity 'Coat Owners Kill and Exploit' (COKE) was found under five feet of snow. All she was wearing was a tee shirt bearing the legend, "I would rather die than wear a coat". She had frozen to death.

Saturday news in brief

Think positive

The Chancellor Alistair Darling has been extolling the power of positive thinking. He claimed that even though the UK is facing "the toughest cuts for twenty years", investment banks are preparing to pay out 40 BN in bonuses this year. "The last time we saw bonuses like that," he went on, "the economy was fine and dandy." He left the news conference singing, "Happy days are here again..."

Power of positive bullshit

BBC director general Mark Thompson has been urging people to think positive about the absurdly high salaries paid to senior BBC staff and geniuses such as Jonathan Ross. He said in an interview with Ariel magazine, "We are not a county council. We need the best. If Jonathan Ross or I were in charge of your council, road gritting is the last thing you'd be worrying about right now."

Climate Change: Towards a new interpretation

"We are not content with negative obedience, nor even with the most abject submission. When finally you surrender to us, it must be of your own free will. We do not destroy the heretic because he resists us; so long as he resists us we never destroy him. We convert him, we capture his inner mind, we reshape him. We burn all evil and all illusion out of him; we bring him over to our side, not in appearance, but genuinely, heart and soul. We make him one of ourselves before we kill him. It is intolerable to us that an erroneous thought should exist anywhere in the world, however secret and powerless it may be. Even in the instance of death we cannot permit any deviation . . . we make the brain perfect before we blow it out."

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Freezing is warming.

Friday news in brief

'Conservative' strategy chief

David Cameron has admitted that his strategy director Steve Hilton made a grave error of judgement when he shouted "wanker" at train staff. Mr Cameron yesterday made it clear that Steve Hilton should have shouted the abuse at either Gordon Brown for his hopeless transport policy or at former Prime Minister John Major for his ill-judged privatisation of British Rail.

Clarke Cunt

Gordon Brown has denied cursing former Cabinet Minister and 'Super-man', Charles Clarke. Discussing the recent coup attempt by Patricia Hewitt and Geoff Hoon, he said, "it is great having someone like Charles whom my cabinet colleagues can use to stitch up potential Labour rebels like Patsy and Geoff. Why would I call Charles a cunt when he is such a dependable tool?"

A Ross of faith

Hi, my name is Alan, and I ask you to lend me your ears. For I am a serious man. I am a man of gravitas and a veteran of broadcasting. People here at the Beeb know me as, well, let's just say, they know me as Alan. And of course, people here, they call me Alan. Indeed they do. And that is the name that I go by on a day to day basis. But you, the public, the licence-fee paying public, you can call me That guy whose contribution to broadcasting nobody really appreciates. And that is me. Alan... that guy. Now, leaving that aside, I have come here today to talk to you about a very, very serious issue indeed.

This, I will tell you now, is a very sad day for the BBC. A giant of broadcasting, a beacon of light entertainment, a veritable talk show genius has walked out through the hallowed doors of the Television Centre for the last time, never, never ever to return. He has climbed onto his camel and headed off into the wild blue yonder, or the yellow-brown desert perhaps. He will not turn his head to look back - no, not once. For he no longer cares. What is this man's name? His name is Jonathan.

That this Jonathan has tired of interviewing people on his vibrant, his magical talk show is indeed sad. But that it comes after a long campaign of hatred and vituperation waged by members of the public, by whingeing licence-fee payers and by members of the publishing - and I stress publishing - media is, for an old broadcasting trooper like myself frankly gutwrenching. Indeed, it is beyond reason. It is, in the words of Lord Reith, fucking crazy.

This Jonathan once made an error, a very minor error. This Jonathan, this humble genius, had the temerity to tell an old man that his best mate, someone cunningly, someone cleverly called Russell, had, as it were, fucked the old fellow's grand-daughter.

Now this grand-daughter was someone of, I might say, very little distinction, of dubious character - unlike myself, Jonathan and Russell. Yet the whingeing licence fee payer took exception to this so-called slur on that very grand-daughter's integrity and demanded that Russell and Jonathan be sacked. Now Russell went and Jonathan stayed, he limped on for a few months more.

But now, now he, Jonathan, has gone.

And I ask: Is this what Britain's long and noble history of championing free speech has lead to? Is this why the late, great Tom Paine was imprisoned? Is it? Just so that in the Twenty First Century - THE TWENTY FIRST CENTURY, NO LESS - a free and noble thinker called Jonathan Ross could be hounded out of the greatest television centre in the world?

I think not! I truly think not. And yet, here we are. Ross has gone. And he is not coming back.

So let me just finish by saying this: I hope, I really hope that the critics are happy now. But I hope much much more that they one day repent and realise that, just as it was for Socrates, just as it was for Galileo, and JUST as it was for the late, great Jade Goody, a giant, a blooming (literally) genius has this day departed, has this day been brought down by a stinking and rancid bunch of PIGMIES that you and I and fair Jonathan know as the 'licence fee payer'.

So, Sic transit Gloria Mundi. And I indeed am truly sick - SICK - about the passing of the glorious, adore-i-ous Mr Jonathan Ross.

And you Lord Reith, you the great guiding light, you are, I can safely say, right now, turning in your somewhat unfashionable, yet, I'm sure, sympathetic grave.

Mandelson accuses Hewitt and Hoon of chutzpah

In an unprepared statement today the First Secretary said, "The chutzpah of these fucking guys is staggering and..."

The remainder of this post has been deleted by the moderator

Full-brain scanners?

Is it not time to introduce full-brain scanners into Parliament in order to establish the integrity of prospective Members?

The scanners would root out any MPs, including Lords, who are chiselling, greedy, mendacious little crooks and who intend to fiddle their expenses or sell their services to the highest bidder.

Needless to say, there is one problem: stiff opposition from the Prime Minister. He is afraid that, if tested on him, the scanners might also show that he is a total fruitcake, who plans to turn the country into a banana republic and keep the entire population under 24 hour surveillance.

A Parliamentary ombudsman today announced that this should not pose a problem: The general public already know this to be the case anyway.

Why taxing the rich is so hard

Et in Arcadia Ego

The King, he asked, "Why tax the rich? It raises little money?"
The taylor said, "My complex weave, it turns my profits runny."
Accountants talked of dividends that left the taxman baffled.
Then Monte laughed and laughed and laughed; the taxes were all snaffled.

Chorus

Et in Arcadia Ego
Et in Arcadia Ego...

(Repeat a billion times)