In Beeb we trust?

The committee appointing Lord Patten to the post of BBC Trust Chairman is apparently "surprised" how little he knows about the Beeb's output.

Although Lord Patten, who is also Chancellor of Oxford University, has heard of Eastenders, it's not clear where the gaps lie in his knowledge. Here are some suggestions:-

- Homes Under The Hammer, Wreck Or Ready, Cash in the Attic, Bargain Hunt, Escape To The Country - dismal property or antique programmes currently showing every day of the week on BBC1

- To Buy Or Not To Buy, Flog It, Cash in the Celebrity Attic, Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is - dismal property or antique programmes currently showing every day of the week on BBC2

- Snog, Marry, Avoid, Hotter Than My Daughter - dismal "reality TV" programmes currently showing (almost) every day of the week on BBC3

Perhaps Lord Patten's ignorance is no bad thing...

Breast is best

There was surprise last week when an ice cream parlour announced its latest offering - a breast milk variety. We asked the distinguished elder statesman, Lord Creamer, who spent many years working at the Milk Marketing Board, to write a few words on the subject.

"When the Mumsnet organisation originally offered me the post of "Honourary Child-Feeding Advisor", I have to admit I was somewhat taken aback. Despite the many happy years I spent at the Milk Marketing Board in the 70 and 80s, I felt somewhat under-qualified for this particular undertaking. 

But the fine, upstanding ladies at Mumset assured me the post was, as the title suggested, purely an honorary one. Their "mothers' council" required a male member who might, in their words, "lend an air of impartiality to an otherwise partisan organisation". They had apparently looked very closely at a number of other male members - chaps who'd taken it upon themselves to apply for the post - but none of them were "up to scratch" and were of perhaps "dubious motive and repute." After some breast-beating and various consultations with my good wife I said I would be delighted to take up their offer.

"So it is in my capacity as Honourary Advisor that I would now like to comment on the issues surrounding the introduction of breast-milk ice-cream.

"I do feel breasts - or, at least, I have a sense that breasts - are a feature of female anatomy that lend themselves to one, at a stretch two, well-defined functions. I believe it is not necessary for me to elaborate here on the precise nature of those functions. Suffice it to say that they are largely for the benefit of man - and woman - kind. I might add that it also ill-behoves any man - or indeed any woman - to confuse those functions, especially if they do so at the same time.

"Now when I learnt that a certain organisation, through the Mumsnet web, was about to offer the public a new breast-milk based product, I have to say I was initially just a touch intrigued. I even considered putting in an order for a couple of tubs - being open to new ideas as I am. 

"On reflection, however, I am not so sure. As someone who has dedicated his life to high standards in food production, I have always had to consider not just the processing but also the sourcing of any product under consideration. Now this is straightforward enough in the case of most dairy products. If it derives from the udders of the sheep or the cow then it is deemed generally acceptable. But if it comes from the humble Tibetan yak, say, then far greater scrutiny is required. For it is not immediately apparent that the Yak is a suitable source for this nation's dairy products.

"It is with this in mind that I have looked long and hard at female breasts. As a rich source of nourishment for the developing infant, breasts have indeed proven themselves eminently useful. But I do not believe we should look at breasts - common though they may be - as something to be taken for granted, that is to say, as merely a tool of this country's food production. That can never be right, surely?

"And on International Women's Day of all days, should we not be contemplating what society still has to offer the fairer sex - by way of, say, equal pay - than what the fairer sex has to offer society? From the dawn of time, women have been viewed as a vehicle - and an extremely useful vehicle, I might add - of reproduction. But are we now, in the Twenty First Century, to start viewing them additionally as the vehicle of production? No, I really hope not.

"And anyway, would it not indeed be so much simpler for this "milk parlour" to deliver a "breast-milk flavoured ice cream?" That is something, I am sure, most ordinary men and women - myself included - would think about buying."

Blessed are the bankers...

Banks that are "too big to fail" have no place in a market economy. So says Bank of England governor Mervyn King. A "spokesperson" for the banking industry offers her "take".

"I have no personal interest in this debate - not directly, at least - but I speak on behalf of certain men and women the world over who are misunderstood, vilified, perhaps even abused. I speak for those who have no voice - precisely because they think and transact only in numbers. I speak for those once considered key to the economic wealth and well-being of this nation, but who now, through no fault of their own, have fallen on hard times. I refer, of course, to the bankers.

"Now, when I say "hard times", I speak not of such trifles as money in the bank, cars in the garage, number of houses spread round the globe. No, what concerns me far more is the thorny issue of reputation. For as we all know, in this, as in any other world, reputation means far more to ordinary men and women than any number of villas in Tuscany or Provence or the Caribbean, than any number of horses in the paddock, than any number of Porsches in the garage, or indeed any number of dollars in the various off-shore accounts. For reputation is that without which (according to certain philosophers) men cannot truly be men (unless they're so flush they don't give a damn). And is it not time we allowed bankers, once more, to take back their reputations?

"The Bank of England governor Mervyn King suggested today that the banking industry has not reformed since the bad old days of 2008. He claimed that structurally it is much the way it was when it "almost destroyed the entire fabric of Western society" (whatever he means by "fabric"). But nothing could be further from the truth.

"The banking industry has changed considerably in recent months, both structurally and otherwise. Banks have a wonderful new range of structured products on offer. No more "collateralised debt obligations" or CDOs as some jesters still refer to them. In their place we've introduced "collateralised vulture re-structure funds", "re-collateralised quantitative-easing obligations", "de-collateralised sub-prime re-purchase profits-only structured investment obligations", "multi-collateralised structured inflation no-loss winner-takes-all re-obligations", "quasi-collateralised de-structured off-shore multi-obligation obligations", and, most important of all, "re-balanced and un-reconstructed massive-bonus re-newal obligations".

"So please don't tell me the banking industry hasn't changed! Don't tell me it hasn't developed new structures. Take one look at the formidable range of structured products on offer and then, and only then, look me in the eye (when my eye has stopped shifting) and tell me banking hasn't changed nor re-structured!

"And finally, can I ask one last thing: What more do you want of us? The shirts from our backs? The bonuses from our bank accounts? The Porsches from our garages? Is ultimately what you want from us (or rather, from these bankers to whom I refer and simply represent) nothing less than those very reputations they have proudly held, and have indeed deserved to hold, through time immemorial?

"Is that what you really really want?"

A doctor a day keeps the Apple away

Advertisement: 

Every so often we give a leading tech company a free plug. We hope this'll encourage it to shove loads of advertising our way. Failing that it fills column inches. Today we look at the iFad2, released yesterday to universal acclaim by a man wearing jeans and a black turtle neck jumper.

"Hi. Do you ever get edgy as weeks go by without the release of a new piece of hardware? Do you crave the fanfare that accompanies the arrival of a new gizmo that's like the old gizmo but has a different feel and one or two added features you don't need? Do you wake every morning thinking life could be so much better if I could do what I did yesterday but I could do it faster and with enhanced functionality?

The solution's arrived -

- With iFad2, you get the same touch-screen interface and virtual on-screen keyboard but you get it in a box that's noticeably lighter, slimmer and way more sensual.

- With iFad2, you get two cameras - one front, one back - in case you want to film "a friend" masturbating while you yourself masturbate over hard-core erotica.

- With iFad2, you get more processing power and greater speed, so your life can descend faster into a maelstrom of frustrating texts and angry emails.

- With iFad2, you get a screen cover that auto-attaches in perfect alignment to the front, and folds to support the iFad2 while you type. Why spill the contents of your latte over your shiny new screen when you can spill it over your type-pad instead?

Come on guys! Don't torture yourself with yesterday's technology, when today's is just round the corner. If you crave a life that's going to keep you craving, be sure life keeps up with technology - not the other way round. And that's the key: In this day and age, who needs a life, when lifestyles are always changing? So, why settle for second best when you can have something that'll be second best in a few months time?

Weapons of mass extraction

An academic gives us his "take" on the oil crisis currently facing the West

"I'm told certain people have started referring to oil as a weapon of mass destruction. Mischievous wags in the media - they know who they are and where we academics can find them - claim the Gulf oil spill of 2010 was a "crude" and wanton act of Eco-vandalism. These wags have the temerity to suggest the spill wreaked more havoc than any "chemical weapon" Colonel Gaddafi of Libya could have dreamed up.

"As a learned gentleman and one who knows something about these matters, we, or rather I, would like to set the record straight.

- Oil is NOT a weapon of mass destruction. What kind of person would consider it desirable to flood the Caribbean and all its pleasant little tax havens with the proceeds of "black gold"? What a terrible waste that would be!

- No Libyans were hurt at any time during the making of the BP oil spill

- Not one single off-shore bank account in the Caribbean - or anywhere else in the world for that matter - was under any threat whatsoever during the crisis

- The Bermuda Triangle has been responsible for more deaths and disappearances than the BP oil spill and Colonel Gaddafi's security forces put together (according to official figures knocked up by my undergraduate gophers on their Apple-Macs using internationally accepted algorithms).

I trust this sets the record straight


Professor Cant, Emeritus Professor of Lies, Damn Lies and Algorithms, The London School of Economics

Twilight of the Oligarchs (Act Three)

We ask a Libyan oligarch to give his take on events currently unfolding in "his" country...


"My peoples, I speak to you as father of the nation. I speak to you as father, mother, supreme leader, as the only leader, as the judge, the jury and executioner of the nation.

"We see again how dirty Western imperialist, in league with Al Qaeda and mad dog Obama Bin Barrack, are fermenting troubles in small pocket of the East of our great country. We see how they sow seeds of unrest and unhappiness and are wanting to undermine everything that you, the people, and that I, your leader, love and cherish.

"The vile alien dogs, they are engaging in these cunning stratagems of theirs and they are deliberately and willfully intoxicating the young peoples, the ordinary citizens, with hallucinatory drugs. These drugs, that are known to make men crazy, they have given the ordinary people the delusion of grandeur and are making them think they all should be free and powerful like their great leader, like the dynasty-family of their great leader. These drugs make people heady and make them think they make decisions. They make them think they will know how the oil in this country of ours, how it must be produced. These drugs, they make them think they know how the money that come from that oil, how it must be distributed. These drugs, they make people think they own the oil - as if it did not come from the land itself. But the land itself, as we all know, only the land itself does own the oil and the people need great leader, who can talk to the land, and who can to tell the people how to distribute the oil. And if they do not do that, all that will happen is they use this oil money to buy more drugs from that dog Obama, which then make them more heady and more hallucinatory and then make the ordinary citizen think he can even own the sands of this country and then he will want to eat the sands and then, because of these hallucinatory drug, he will almost want to eat the camels one day, all the camels in Libya, even the brother sister's camels, and after that he will want to eat the tent in which he live and the tent in which I live too. And soon after that, all the camels in Libya and everywhere, they too will want to eat all the tents. And after that happen, President Osama, he will send his dogs into Libya. And he will have given them guns and hallucinatory drugs as well. Those dogs, they will then want to shoot the camels and eat them. And then the sands, they will swallow up the camels and the tents and the peoples. And all of Libya will disappear into nowhere. I ask you: What kind of hallucinations is that? Not my kind, peoples. Not my kind.

"So, as your leader, I ask you, the peoples to ignore these despicable Western capitalist Al Qaeda peddlers of drug hallucinations filth. I ask you to join me and to get heady with me and my hallucinations instead and with my grandeur instead. For these things are far better for the peoples of this nation who have known little else but my leadership and my fatherhood of this nation. I urge you to fight the Western Islamist capitalist semitic Trotskyites anarchist agitator-oppressors of our peoples. I ask you to fight, alongside the foreign mercenaries who support our peoples' will that is to shoot protesters and to support the democratic engine of our peoples. For we have created that democratic engine in our own likeness and we will fight to the last drop of blood to defend it.

"Finally, I ask you, my peoples, your peoples, the world's peoples, the everybody's peoples, to listen to these words of mine. For I am not just the judge, the jury and the executioner of this nations, but I hope, I might be, and God-willing, the caretaker, hereafter...

"For, everybody, he need a caretaker. Or maybe do I mean an undertaker? Probably both.

"Probably both... My peoples."

We're all royalty now.

What's the world coming to when the Duchess of York is not invited to the Royal Wedding whilst those arrivistes the Beckhams are? We asked pop culture's No.1 power couple to give their "historical perspective" on such matters.

David: Well the way I look at it is, we all come from the same place in the end.

Victoria: Or in the beginning, Dave

David: Yeah, or in the beginning, love. We all come from the same place in the beginning. Cos' when all is said and done we was all common people once, including them royals and them aristos and all them people. We all had to start somewhere.

Victoria: Yeah, cos, like when you think about it all those geysers what came over with Norman the Conqueror, they weren't like royalty to start with. But cos' they had like a meritocracy in them days, just like they do now, they all had the chance to become respected members of the community, just like what we is now.

David: And also, some of them was probably footballers and singers in them days as well, I kid you not. And they was rewarded for being talented, and giving the people what they really wanted...

Victoria: Or what they really really wanted, Babe.

David: Yeah, nice one, love. What they really, really wanted. And that's why they got their posh houses in the country like we do now.

Victoria: And then they could afford to send their kids to private school, just like we do. And then they became even posher still. And then their grandchildren was like even more posher and soon became like royalty. Almost.

David: And that's the great thing about merita.. merry.... merocracy. It means that, you know, one day Jordan's grandkids will become royalty.

Victoria: And so will Simon Cowell's

David: And so will Kelly Osborne's

Victoria: And so will Peaches Geldof's.

David: Yeah, that's right, love.

Victoria: Damn right, Babes. Cos' we're all royalty now.

David: Yeah, love. We're all royalty now.

Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

Brother bankers, faced with an unrelenting tide of criticism and abuse emanating from the capitalist media on an almost daily basis, I call upon you today to be resolute. I urge you not to waver, not to cower, but to stand firm and show solidarity with your brother bankers worldwide. For we have a strength that far outshines that of our enemies. And that is the strength of numbers.

Now when I say numbers, I do not mean how many of us there are. For we are of course an oligarchy and number relatively few in the grand scheme of things. Nor by numbers do I mean the size of the bonuses that we receive. Though these do indeed comprise many, many numbers - telephone book sized numbers by the sarcastic reckonings of certain wags in the media.

No, I mean the ability of us brothers to use numbers to our own advantage - to shape a new reality out of numbers, to forge a new numerical Jerusalem if you like. For we have shown that you can create what appears to be surplus value out of numbers. We have shown through our efforts we can create a bold and booming housing sector by making the value of those houses rise significantly year on year. We did this through the clever invention of those credit derivatives that we merrily traded to our hearts content some years back. We've also shown we can take the money that government printing presses have been turning out since 2009 and we can use that money to offer back to the government the debt we'd purchased previously. By this means we were able to charge commission not once but twice and made a handsome profit. And though no actual value was created, we nevertheless managed to create our very own kind of surplus value that we call "massive bonuses". And with those massive bonuses we paid our taxes, or not as the case may be. And remember, those taxes are what really matter to ordinary folk and to governments alike - assuming we actually pay them!

So fear not brothers. For we can make two plus two equal five, two billion plus two billion equal five billion. And, let me tell you, those numbers, however they appear, will always win over the trust and the faith of people. For we understand the very numbers that make up these numbers... whilst the people, whose money we control, do not!

And if indeed these naysayers in the capitalist media carry on with their gripes and their attacks upon our very person or persons, then we will take our numbers and head off to the lands of the orient to build an even newer numerical Jerusalem, and an even greater oligarchic collective to boot.

For over there in the orient they behold with even more wonderment the power and the value of numbers. Over there they understand the importance of brothers like ourselves who control the money supply using the armory of the numbers I've described. Okay, so they might not tolerate the coke-sniffing activities in which some of our number occasionally partake and they might imprison people for such activities. But that is a small price to pay, Brothers. For control of the money supply is the greatest drug of all!

And indeed, Brothers. Was it not Brother Nathan Rothschild himself who once said two centuries ago: "I care not what puppet is placed upon the throne of England to rule the Empire on which the sun never sets. The man who controls Britain's money supply controls the British Empire, and I control the British money supply."

Never a truer word were said brothers. And these days we have a far wider reach than the British Empire, or at least those countries that once made up said Empire. These days, thanks to the benefits of globalisation, we can extend our reach to all the Empires of this planet!

So brothers, stand firm, be true to yourselves (if not to anybody else), be resolute, show solidarity. And, Brothers, get yourself down to the local Porsche dealership and buy yourself a nice little run-around before the prices go up!

Coitus interruptus - News in brief

A rose by any other name - Supporters of New Labour have suggested the move to drop the word "New" from the party website, stationery and, now finally, email addresses is nothing more than a cynical re-branding exercise. Said one commentator: "Just calling the party 'Labour' amounts to a cosmetic change. What does the word actually mean?"

Google alerts - Anybody who's anybody - and some who aren't - know how important it is to set up Google alerts for their own names. This allows them to track journalists and bloggers who might be bad-mouthing them on-line. Spare a thought then for the poor sods who monitor the Google alerts for the words "Google alert". There's always the danger that their endeavors might end up swamping them in an infinite regression. Er... Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert

BAFTAS! The Thing's Speech.

The thing about the BAFTAS... really is... the speech

"I would like to say or rather we would like to say how honoured I or rather we are to be here tonight honouring you honouring us honouring you honouring us honouring you dressed as we are in these beautiful Valentino dresses or are they Armani tuxedos? no-one will tell us because we're supposed to be some kind of amusing double act each of us possessing our own unique sartorial styles even though those styles come in the shape of very expensive designer outfits so not really so unique when you think about it and we're trying to engage in this witty but rather inane banter just as ordinary men and women or even men and men do any given day of the week down the pub and despite the fact we've actually hated one another since we starred together in that dire romcom movie over a decade ago and you lot in the audience also probably hated it even though the punters - what mugs! - always said how much they adored it and adored us too. So we would firstly like to thank all those people we're supposed to thank on these occasions although we can't remember who they are but somebody gave us a list earlier and we lost it and reckon it's supposed to include our mothers and the directors and some other people but not necessarily in that order and who cares about order anyway because order's for anal retentives. But most of all we'd like to thank the very people who made it possible to be here tonight which partly means you the audience and all of the members of the BAFTA organisation who should be here anyway because it's their frigging job, but most of all, most of all we'd like to thank ourselves, yes ourselves, without whom we'd never think of coming here because these awards ceremonies are a load of self-congratulatory b/s and they'd be nothing without us and this'd be a total waste of our time were it not for the free plug, the publicity or what have you. And so that's actually the only reason we're standing here tonight in front of you and in front of millions of star-struck people worldwide who are watching this on their sad little television screens as we spew out this complete, total and utter mind-rotting drivel. God bless."

About that peace agreement...

Of course, as the Egyptian people celebrate the fall of their brutal dictator after a (relatively) peaceful revolution, what they're really gagging for right now is an end to the thirty year peace agreement with Israel and the prospect of a costly and bloody Middle-East war.

And yet... that's the risk - according to those banging on about "stability" in the region...

It's worth noting that President Assad of Syria has successfully maintained the "stability" he inherited from his father. And he's also one of the biggest sponsors of Hezbollah in Lebanon. Ditto the undemocratic and relatively stable Iran. And the "stable" dictator Gaddafi is certainly no friend of Israel's.

So should we really be asking ourselves: With stability like that, who needs instability?

EXCLUSIVE! Leaked Mubarak tapes!

The President of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak has been recorded singing to himself whilst holed up at the Red Sea resort of Sharm El Sheikh. But for whom is this swan-song of his intended? The Egyptian people? Western - or Arab - allies? Or could it simply be that he is singing... to himself?

You decide:-

"Please release me let me go
for I don’t love you anymore
To waste our lives would be a sin
Release me and let me love again

I have found a new love dear
And I will always want her near
her lips are warm while yours are cold
Release me my darling let me go

for I don’t love you anymore
So release me and let me love again

Please release me can’t you see
you’d be A fool to cling to me
To live a lie would bring us pain
So release me and let me love again."