Language is the root of all evil

Coming soon: An exploration of language...

Concept: Religion is... just language (the language of morality). Anything that seeks to define, to understand the world is language. Science, ideology, like religion, are languages. It's how you apply language that defines whether it is evil or not. You can use it to abuse, justify torture, castigate, persecute... or just plain irritate.

"Go forth and multiply." (Genesis)... what could possibly be evil about that?

More, later this week...

On other pages - What's in a nickname... a swearword... an insult? We have in-depth analysis from one of our "foreign correspondents" and after giving the question some really quite serious consideration, she concludes: "Fuck knows."

Wank

News in brief...

T-Party

"... lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust."

So says the poster girl of the Republican Tea Party Christine O' Donnell. And at a stroke she has alienated the majority of ordinary masturbating folk. The exceptions can only be:-

- Those too busy smoking cigarettes to have time to masturbate.

- Anyone needing both hands to operate their PC, laptop or IPod.

- Anyone with poor wrist action, or poor hand to eye co-ordination

- Anyone who doesn't know what goes on "down below".

- Anyone with an extremely short attention span

Said one Republican aide upon hearing Ms. O' Donnell's outburst: "Uh, oh. There goes the self-abuse vote."


Old hat

Labour leadership nominees will soon be debating how to "re-brand" the party - and most important of all - what to call it. "New" Labour is considered very "last season" and it is accepted that a new name is needed to indicate a clear break with the past. Here are some options that might emphasise that break

- Democratic Labour

- Real Labour

- Clean Labour

- Whiter than White Labour

- Honest Labour

- Transparent Labour

- The Peoples' Labour

- Hard Labour

- Keir? Hardly!

Plastic androids, plastic culture

The feminist Camille Paglia laid into pop icon Lady Gaga over the weekend, arguing she's a confected copycat - "a marionette... a plasticised android". But is Gaga just a symptom of our increasingly plasticised culture? Let's face it, most of what punters buy these days is fake, commercial, and little benefit to society.

But what are the other by-products of this "relativistic cultural vacuum" - as Paglia calls it? Here's a snap-shot:-

Plastic childhood - It starts early on. Most parents grimace round Christmas when they're bombarded with ads for children's toys - from plastic dolls to overpriced games - not least because they know they'll end up forking out for them. They also know these toys will last a couple of months at best, before they're disgarded at the back of the toy cupboard. And it doesn't get better. Later on there are computer games, iPods and other electronic "must-haves".

Plastic Homes - Property programmes fronted by plastic experts like Sarah Beeny and Kirstie Allsop have fuelled the hopes of millions who dream of living like kings... or celebs... or, at least, plutocrats. Well, everyone has to dream, eh?.

Plastic Pop - Gaga is a not alone amongst pop icons. Much that the young latch onto these days is fabricated. Teen idols are churned out in their droves by impresarios like Simon Cowell. The formula is: fashion model, erotic clothing, vacuous but catchy jingles, electronic voice manipulation. Talents shows like X-Factor simply perpetuate this malaise, while also giving the young something to which they can "aspire".

Plastic Art - BritArt is hardly a creative industry... conceptual perhaps, but low concept at that and for the most part intellectually untaxing. Many of the big names conceive of pretty ropey, self-serving installations, then have them knocked up at some factory in the Midlands. The key to their success is branding - what's in a name? - as that great benefactor of BritArt, Mr. Saatchi, would surely agree.

Plastic Science - The cosmetics industry is the "appliance of science" at its most absurd. Gratuitous chemical "compounds" sell eternal youth to desperate punters. Examples: Radiance Renewal (with watercress extract), Get up and Glow (with polypeptides), Age-Defying Serum (with beech tree buds, hibiscus and yeast)... to name but a few.

Plastic Power - Female empowerment didn't begin in the sixties, or with the suffragettes for that matter. It actually began when women discovered classy shoes that revealed who they were and how empowered they could be. In fact, these poor souls have simply been handing over their hard earned cash to buy into a dream, making various wealthy (male) shoe-makers much, much wealthier.

Plastic Politics - These days third-rate politicians love to hang out with celebs in order to hide their personal failings and to ingratiate themselves with "the people". Many of us just scoff, or look on... or cringe. But then again, even politicians should aspire to being "cool". Should they not?

Your money is our money; our money is our money

Hi, my name's Bob. People back home call me Off-Shore Bob - for reasons that'll  never be obvious, ha-ha. And today I want to talk to you about this awesome phenomenon we call globalisation.

Globalisation, as you folks will surely know by now, has brought the entire world to our doorstep. It's brought wonderful gadgets, like computers from China, through which you guys have been able to manage and maintain your addiction to social networking sites, to computer games, to cyber-bullying, and of course to drugs, politics and pornography. It has brought you mobile android technology - also from China - which has given every man woman and child in the West the right and the freedom to send, for the most part, pointless texts, thereby ridding us of the urge to perpetuate that old dinosaur we once called the "vocal and personal interactive contact medium".

But the greatest thing globalisation has brought us is money, cheap and easy money and the freedom to gamble all that money away on anything from "liars loans" to high-risk special purpose investment vehicles (That's quite a mouthful, ain't it?)

And how has this been made possible? I'll tell you how. Solely and quite uniquely through the ingenuity of the global investment banking community. Do I hear you all laughing? Perhaps I do. Are you all thinking: Hey wait a minute, these guys brought the Western economies to their knees in late Spring 2008?And these guys made even more millions out of quantitative easing, whilst everyone else was suffering, watching their savings diluted because their pounds and dollars became less valuable. And these guys paid themselves huge bonuses whilst everyone else starved. Yes, I've heard all the old arguments, the old chestnuts, if you like.

But, hello, girls and boys? Who exactly is it who's gonna get you out of this mess? Who's gonna re-inflate that bubble, I mean, economy? Who's gonna provide the liquidity that'll get the world back on its feet? Well, some jokers might say: Not bankers, because they haven't changed one bit and they'll simply carry on doing what they did before - first restricting their lending, later pumping up a fake recovery and then vamoosing once more with their ill-gotten gains. But I say that's bull. Where would you all be without us? You might hate us, but you'll need us one day. Money brings and always has brought recovery. It's simply the lack of money that screws everything up - as we saw in 2008. And it's only a globalised money supply that will get us back to those heady days of the late nineties and the noughties, when you could buy your houses and your cars and your holidays and live a grand old life.

And I say it's lucky some of us bankers did in fact vamoose and squirrel away our money in off-shore bank accounts. Because it is we who now live to fight another day. We can return like conquering heroes with our off-shore capital, the better to re-invigorate and revitalize your stale old economies.

And so, I end on this note: The secret to globalisation is ensuring guys like us with our off-shore accounts are permitted to maintain a clear divide between what is globally available and what is personally inaccessible. Global money supply should not, should never mean our money is available - hey, not unless we want it to be. We're gonna need that money some day to help you guys out. Look at the all those fine gentlemen who ran Lehman Brothers. You might not like them much, cos of the part they played in the global meltdown. But only because they squirreled away their hundreds of millions when that noble US institution went down, can they return like kings to help you guys now you're in trouble. Think of it as like paying something back to society.

And what shall we call this wondrous phenomenon that allows your money to be our money and our money to be our money. Well, I'd like to call it Off-Shore Globalisation. Yep, that's a quite a name to conjure with, boys and girls, ain't it? It's been a round for a while now, and it ain't going away - you have my guarantee on that. And, you know what?  It's gonna bring you guys salvation. Because, Off-Shore Globalisation really is quite a card to play. In fact, it's just a shame it wasn't around back in the time of Jesus Christ. Then he couldn't have thrown us kindly money-lenders outta the temple. Or else, if he had, we'd have just gone away to build our own temple. Maybe we have.

Anyway, good luck with your economies, suckers. See you round...

Ciao, Off-Shore Bob x

Those public sector jobs...

The coalition has promised to save tax-payers millions by doing away with superfluous public sector jobs. No-one will escape the chop - the cuts will apply to public sector chieftains ("quangocrats") and local council employees alike. But what exactly are these jobs? And shall we ever see their like again? Here's a snapshot...

Quangocrats

Baroness Deirdre Dreary - Chairperson of the Road Transport Lighting Authority - Played a pivotal role in ensuring the upkeep and maintenance of the country's cats-eyes. Her major achievement was the introduction of the intermittent metallic green and apricot cats-eyes that are the talk of much of Northern England and East Glasgow.

Doctor Christopher Smithie - Chair of the European E-Numbers Advisory Agency - After a meteoric rise through Middlesborough council in the 90s, Sir Christopher got his lucky break with the E-Numbers agency that ensures councils across the land are at all times aware of new E-Numbers coming onto the market. He achieved praise for his report on the "Health and Safety Implications on E-Number Non-Awareness" which has since been widely distributed to a range of councils from Solihull to Tyneside.

Dame Christine Crappe - Chairperson of the International Waste Management and Lavatorial Action Programme - Christine has had enormous success at the organisation, set up to consider different approaches to defecatory recycling initiatives in England and Wales. Whilst under her helm, the organisation came up with the revolutionary idea of "Portable Excrement Recycle Buckets" which are designed to encourage ordinary people to keep hold of their waste products for later utilisation. To this end she co-ordinates on a daily basis with the Allottment Fertilisation and Development Institute that is, as it happens, run by her husband Sir Derek Arsington


Local councils

- Totem Pole Advisory Co-ordinator Grade 2 - Demanding role, will ensure the council's totem pole dancers comply with both international European Totem Pole Safety Directive 33558 and European Ethnicity and Diversity Directive 3472893.

- International Water Cooling and Paper Cups Co-ordinator Mark 3 - Key job within the council, high pressure but also richly rewarding. You will be involved in sourcing water cooling and paper cup dispensing devices internationally and at all times ensure that the council employees are suppied with cool, fresh, ethically sourced water. The role will involve a lot of foreign travel.

- Spiritual Well-Being Officer Level 9 - Richly challenging and hugely rewarding role ensuring that council employees have at their disposal a range of spiritual well-being solutions at all times. You will be expected to negotiate with make-over artists, masseuses, and council-trained Tarot card readers in order to secure their services for the general spiritual well-being of council employees thereof.

- Refuse and Local Services Information Retrieval and Processing Officer Level 98 - One of the most important roles within the council. You will be expected to ensure that householders using local services from refuse to schooling facilities comply with council directive 273837b at all times. This is a high pressure job which accounts for the extremely generous benefits and bonus scheme associated with the role.

Science, Gods, and Rock and Roll

Modern Faith Studies: Key-Stage Nine Thousand and Ninety Nine Million

Answer as many multiple choice questions as you can in the time allotted:

1. Rome wasn't built in a day means the following:-

a) Rome was built in seven days
b) One day, Rome won't discriminate against women and gays
c) If it hadn't been for Emperor Constantine, the Vatican would be based in Marbella
d) The Roman Empire was around before Christ and it didn't do them any harm

2. God didn't create the universe means the following:

a) The universe was formed out of string
b) The laws of physics created the universe
c) Scientists have strung together a theory to explain the universe
d) Rome wasn't built in a day (or seven days)

3. People believe in God because:

a) They can't think of anything else to believe in
b) They don't believe everything scientists tell them
c) They find the Bible an easier read than Stephen Hawking
d) If they didn't believe in God they'd have to believe in football, pop celebrities and the joy of consumer goods

4. Religion and science are:-

a) Branded goods - you buy them or you move along the shopping aisle and buy something else
b) Belief systems - you sign up to a lot of stuff you don't really understand
c) Capable of filling a void in the lives of ordinary people because they explain the unknown
d) Something you sign up to, because everyone has to believe in something, don't they?

5. Religion and Science are both, in their own way, rackets because,

a) They are both ways of selling mumbo-jumbo to the public
b) They make a lot of money for their evangelists
c) They make governments waste lots of money on useless experiments
d) Where would the Hadron collider be without the "God" particle?

6. Individuals will believe what they want to believe, irrespective of what anyone tells them because:

a) In the end they usually do
b) In the end they usually do
c) In the end they usually do
d) In the end they usually do

New lay bores

Ballot papers for the Labour leadership have gone out today and even though four out of the five contenders are retreads from the last discredited Labour government, political pundits are already wetting themselves with excitement. Whatever else they may say, one thing's for sure: This contest promises to be one of the most gripping since Iain Duncan Smith won the conservative leadership campaign back in 2001.

But who exactly are the contenders, and what do they stand for? Here is our run-down:-

David Miliband - Known to his colleagues as "Camp David." Son of a revolutionary socialist and a leading light of the last Brown government. David is a proponent of what they're calling "New Marxism" that believes in embracing the market and giving large amounts of money to wealthy bankers. Says David: "It is clear that Marxism needs to be rebranded, and what better a way of doing this than by "changing the world" as Marx himself so aptly put it." Dave's strategy is to carry on doing what he was doing before but with "renewed vigour and compassion." It is clear that he is the one to watch (if you've misplaced your sleeping pills).

Ed Miliband - Known to his colleagues as "Time for bed, ZZZebEdee". Son of a revolutionary socialist and a leading light of the Brown government. Edward is a proponent of what they're calling "Green Marxism" that believes politicians, rather than bull-dozing the countryside, should cover it in wind-farms. Says Edward: "It is clear that my father's Marxism is due for an overhaul and that means - wait for it - green is the new red". Ed won the adoration of crowds recently at the Pamplona bull-run when he waved a green rag in front of a bull and it humourously ignored him. He is definitely the one to watch (when you're bored watching his brother).

Ed Balls - Known to colleagues as "Balls" on account of his humourous surname. Close friend of the former prime minister Gordon Brown. Ed believes only through a process of vigourous renewal can the Labour party renew and re-invigourate itself. He says: "We in the Labour party have lost sight of the fact that politics can be exciting and visionary. But I'll be blown if I know how to make that happen." Ed has won respect in many quarters for his original surname, which, if elected, he promises to draw regularly upon to help renew and re-invigourate politics.

Andy Burnham - Known to his colleagues as "Trouble at Millbank". Although considered an outsider, Andy will be within spitting distance of the leadership if the other candidates stand down. Andy is a no-nonsense Northerner, who cherishes his roots and believes they are his passport to success up North. He says: "One thing I do know. The Labour party has its roots up North, and God-willing, that is where it will have its final resting place." Andy is determined, if elected leader, to re-invigourate the ancient Northern art of cloth-caps and whippets.

Diane Abbott - Known to her colleagues as "That big fat hypocrite who sent her kids to public school". Diane is a rank outsider but considered a shoo-in in the event of everyone else getting bored and giving up. Says Diane: "I'm not in favour of coronations. Look where it got Gordon. But if the other candidates stood down and begged me, it's inconceivable I'd refuse the crown." Despite her misgivings about coronations, Diane is known to love coronation chicken which she tries to eat "at least five times a day". She never leaves home without her portable microwave which she considers invaluable when she's "a tad peckish on the campaign trail". She adds: "One thing's for sure: No one ever lost an election through having a big appetite - nor for being a big fat hypocrite for that matter."

From the office of Guillaume de Normandie

"I know you English, you are not tres capables of listening. So, I say this only once:-

"You peoples, you have not very much moneys right now, partly because of the Anglo-Saxon shopping habits. Napoleon, he should have identify this - you are not seulement a nation of shopkeeper, but aussi of shopping-holic. Also you spend many billions on your silly war in Iraq, because you are wanting to suck up to the stupide Dubya who think that Zola is a make of cooking oil and that Voltaire is a unit of electricity. And look where it is getting you. Absolutement nowhere, but in great poverty, you stupides English.

"Et donc, so you are needing a little help once more from your French friends from across La Manche. You can no longer afford the aircraft carriers. And we are happy to help you out so that you don't feel distress because your navy, it is no longer superieure to the French navy.

"So from now on we will share the costs of the aircraft carrier, even though probablement you cannot afford the aircrafts to put on them. And we are very generous peoples to help you out comme ca. But it is necessaire you are understanding that we French, we are the senior service in this partnership. Senior service - you like our French sense of humour, n'est-ce pas? Senior service!

"Anyways, before this time we was the senior partners with the Concorde of course - which is why we are putting the 'e' on the end of it. We was the senior partners with the Trans-Manche link, because Napoleon, he think of the idea before you English. We was senior partners with the nouvelle cuisine, which you English copy (but not very well, with your silly little portion). Now we are the senior partner with the aircraft carrier, because you English lose all your money. Et donc, that mean that we French, it is us who now rules the waves, just like we did when our Guillaume, he sail over to conquer you English in 1066.

"We decide therefore that the first aircraft carrier that we are sharing with you, it will be called Concorde de Mer. We are thinking that this is very good name for the vessel, and it will be reminding you English who is boss and who will be in charge of the vessel. We are thinking that the Capitaine of the ship, he will always be French as well. And as I say earlier, you probably cannot afford the aircraft to put on the carriers, so we will also be putting all our plane on the board.

"Maybe if this is successful partnership, then you can also give us all your nuclear submarines for safe-keepings, as we are more responsables with all the things atomiques. And then perhaps you can also share your Channel Islands which should always be French all along. In fact, why not make much easier for all of us and retournez the Grand Bretagne to La France once more and then if you are lucky we will conduct another Domesday audit which was so successful the first times round!

This is the BBC

The BBC director general used the MacTaggart lecture to draw attention to the growing power of BSkyB and attacked the organisation for not putting enough money into British content. He asked the following questions: Which of the two broadcasters do viewers most value? And which best serves the public good?

After the lecture two very senior BBC executives were spotted in a bar, discussing the relative merits of the organisations. It seems they were pondering whether the Beeb can counter the growing influence of BSkyB.


Mark: Ducky, maybe we should take the battle to Sky and start encroaching upon it's territory.

Alan:  And how do we do that, ducky?

Mark:  We consider the case for advertising?

Alan:  Darling! Are you out of your mind? The BBC? advertising? That's what we've been fighting, fighting, fighting all these years.

Mark:  Oh darling, you yourself have said we need to exist "in the marketplace". Surely it's only a short hop to accepting we exist in the commercial marketplace?

Alan:  But advertising, darling? That doesn't mean advertising. Surely?

Mark:  I'm not thinking, any old advertising. (Looking pleased with himself) I'm thinking..."public service advertising".

Alan:  Public service advertising? What on earth does that mean, darling? Never encountered such a thing.

Mark:  Allow me to explain, deary. We already churn out a torrent, an absolute torrent of what is, effectively, advertising. It's just that we don't charge for it.

Alan:  I don't follow you, deary.

Mark:  Just think of all those reality television programmes we pump out under the aegis of "public service broadcasting". Think about the free plugs we give to Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals and to those ghastly business people like Mary Portas, Alan Sugar, The millionaire Dragons - to name but a few.

Alan:  Hmm...

Mark:  They must absolutely love it, darling. Getting all this free publicity for their businesses. It's a complete steal for them. The great unwashed know who they are and adore them, would love to be them - cannot think why, of course. And these so-called TV personalities get it all for free, gratis and for nothing. Simply a steal, darling... a steal!

Alan:  Suppose you do have a point, there, deary.

Mark:  Of course I do, dear. They must be laughing... laughing all the way to the bank.

Alan:  Maybe you're right. But what exactly were you suggesting? Charging them money?

Mark:  That's precisely what I was thinking, darling. Why don't we ask these celebrities to pay for their free exposure? You could even extend the franchise, come up with oodles of new "public service advertisements". What about your friends Charles and Nigella, for example?

Alan:  My dear, dear, dearest friends Charles and Nigella? What about them, darling?

Mark:  You sent them a beautiful love letter, did you not, in one of your Imagine documentaries? You know, all that stuff about their being fabulous patrons of the arts - and of course, beautiful, beautiful people.

Alan:  Well, yes, I did. But they simply are beautiful, beautiful people, darling. And generous benefactors to boot.

Mark:  There we go, darling. And why not come up with some more plugs, I mean, art documentaries? How about featuring artistic treasures such as Tracey and Damien.

Alan:  I think we've already done them, darling.

Mark:  No doubt we have. And did they pay a penny?

Alan:  Darling! We were talking documentaries. One could simply never charge when it came to documentaries.

Mark:  But it's always the same people who feature in your documentaries, is it not?

Alan:  How do you mean, darling?

Mark:  It's aways the successful artists - the ones who least need the free plug. Never the ones who are still struggling.

Alan:  That's what the punters are most interested in, dear - those who've achieved success - naturellement.

Mark:  Rather a lot of them seem to be companions of yours, do they not?

Alan:  Really! That's simply not fair, darling

Mark:  All I'm saying, deary, is, why don't you charge these beautiful people? Let's face it, is an Andrew Lloyd Webber talent show really public service broadcasting... or is it Andrew Lloyd Webber service broadcasting?

Alan:  Hmmm... I do suppose you've a point. Maybe I will give it some more thought. Let me see what I come up with.

Mark:  Thank you, darling.

Alan:  Don't mention it, darling.

(There is a long pause as they sit and reflect. Then Alan pipes up).

             Of course, you know what some impertinent scoundrels in the media say?

Mark:  What do they say, darling?

Alan:  They say the Beeb only really exists these days to serve the interests of national treasures such as tu et moi. They suggest it has become our own private fiefdom.

Mark:  (Outraged) Darling!. Please! That's simply disgraceful! Perish the thought!

Alan: (Perturbed, quickly correcting himself) Yes, yes. So, so sorry, darling. Perish the thought!

Mark:  How could anyone even suggest such a thing?

Alan:  Of course, darling. How silly I am! Indeed, how on earth could they suggest such a thing?

Everyone's A star, nobody's a winner

"We had a dream. We hoped, in the years following the accession, every child in Britain could achieve A at A-level, could go to University and graduate with degrees in football management and equestrian psychology. The party knew how to make this happen, indeed it did. All you had to do was lower standards all round, make exams easy, and then everyone - dummies and no-hopers alike - could be  winners, could be A-star, could be graduates of the University of Donald Duck

"We wanted to extend our formidable educational solutions to life in general. We presided over a dumbing-down of  society, the deterioration of everything from modern art to television. On our watch, British culture, the BBC included, plumbed the depths with non-stop cookery, reality TV, celebrity, and property programmes. Pretty girls (and boys)  from nowheresville rose to become pop stars, yeah, real celebs. Charlatans, low-life, morons became millionaires and gave piles of money to the party in return for honours. It was all going so well, so swimmingly... until ordinary men and  women grew cynical, grew critical, negative.

"That's when the dream started to fade. People didn't realise - if you ceased believing, then what you'd believed in all  along would cease too. If you didn't have faith in the economic miracle, then the economic miracle would lose faith  in you. If you didn't believe in endless riches then you could kiss goodbye to that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

"That's precisely what occurred. Ordinary men and women lost faith in the miracle. Perhaps they lost all sense of reason too. For sure, they lost the chance to get somewhere in life, to be players.

"Tell you something, though: We... we   never stopped believing. No! We never lost our faith. We remained and always will remain - to this day - believers. Yeah, that's what they say... we are the believers.

"And look at us now. We're as happy as Larry, as rich as Midas... although, we might add, the Midas before he acquired those dreadful asses ears. Yeah, no asses ears for us. We've been in politics too long for that kind of thing. And we don't like them - the asses ears - one tiny bit!

The Auto-Society

The amateur is dead, long live the crap professional!

Anybody can sing these days and sing in tune. The makers of ITV's X-Factor have allegedly "auto-tuned" the voices of their favorite contestants. This'll give them the edge over contestants they intend to drop. The news has been greeted with dismay in some quarters but weary resignation elsewhere. For some time the pop industry has been considered generally low on talent. Scantily dressed fashion models knock out formulaic jingles that producers then manipulate to give them cred. None, apart from the gullible masses, are taken in. But who cares? The producers make a packet and poor wannabes from the provinces believe they too can be rich and famous.

But it is not only the record industry that is "painting by numbers", airbrushing society. This digital miasma is more widespread then we realise. It enhances our spelling, but not our syntax. It allows us to "Google" rather than read books. The modern car mechanic wouldn't have a clue how to fix your old Morris Minor or Citroen DS. It's all done by computer these days.

Sometimes it's just downright sad: What's the point of a forty something actress or model doing the cover of Vogue or Style Magazine if digital enhancement simply makes her look like a waxwork dummy? And what is the point, really, of buying an album that is effectively created by a computer - and a pretty bland and talentless one at that?

So, where next for the robot society? Well sadly, the publishing industry is already in the advanced stages of terminal decline. And it ain't the computers that caused it. Commercial demands have narrowed the horizons of most authors. You are more likely to get into Waterstones with a big bust than a big idea. And those "literary novelists" that do make it usually conform to a narrow set of socio-economic values. So we can't simply blame it all on computers. Big business has always needed robots. Entrepreneurs need to press the right buttons if they are (numerically) to enhance their bank balances.

Let us pray this miasma doesn't spread to the saintly Westminster! What if politicians started behaving like robots... looking and dressing the same, making absurd promises, breaking them once in power, pretending to care for the opinions of the electorate yet always more in touch with the demands of the City, with corporate greed... always strutting and fretting their hour upon the stage... full of sound and fury... signifying nothing?

Bureaucratic correctness gone mad

It's a dinosaur, but some still cherish political correctness. Invidious legislation cooked up by the last government has yet to be binned. It's still an offence for example to hurt the feelings, criticise the beliefs of certain individuals - especially those of a religious persuasion. Also, London remains the libel capital of the world and many journalists think twice about attacking powerful, wealthy men and women for fear of being taken to the cleaners. The coalition government clearly still has some way to go when it comes to re-establishing the right to speak out.

But there's a more discrete, more subtle form of correct-speak still plaguing the nation. It's experienced by anyone having to communicate with public sector employees or call centre robots. We know it's a big mistake to "lose it" when disputing parking tickets or fines for exceeding overdraft limits. The blood may boil, the head may swim, but it's essential to remain calm and sweet when addressing the faceless beings on the other end of the line. For they are in control of everything you hold dear and, rather like computer software, they can "freeze" at any moment."

So here is a guide to bureaucratic correctness. First we demonstrate the way ordinary people would really like to deal with council or call centre operatives - but cannot, because it'll get them nowhere. This is followed by the correct way - because you want them to act - as indeed they should - in your interests:-


Wrong way:-

Caller: (Fuming) I went over my overdraft limit for one day and you've slapped four £30 fines on my account.

Robot: This was because four transactions happened to go out on the same day that you exceeded your overdraft limit.

Caller: It was one bloody day. My account was back in credit the next day, for God's sake.

Robot: Please will you refrain from using offensive language, caller? According to our terms and conditions, we are entitled to charge for every transaction during the time at which you are over your limit.

Caller: But why? It doesn't cost you £120 if I go over my limit.

Robot: Sorry, but those are our terms and conditions

Caller: Well, I'd love to come round to your office and slap my own particular terms and conditions on your fat, stupid, ugly, boring little arse, Honey.

Robot: Sorry, but I can have you arrested for harassment for that suggestion. I'm closing your account forthwith, pending your arrest and imprisonment for your non-payment of the fines and your use of inappropriate language.



Right way:-

Caller: I'm dreadfully sorry (smarm smarm). I am such an idiot and I have fallen foul of your rather fair and decent terms

Robot: I see that you have, caller

Caller: Would it be in any way possible for you, oh great one, to show some mercy and to forgive my little indiscretion.

Robot: Well, according to our terms and conditions you are as guilty as hell

Caller: I know, I am, oh supreme being. And I am on my hands and knees and I beg you to help me out here.

Robot: Well, in view of your supine manner, I might be able to cancel one of the four charges. That means that you'll still incur charges of £90. Do you understand that you snivelling little pig?

Caller: Yes, oh yes, oh great one. I am in awe of your kindness. And I will forever be in your debt.

Robot: Damn right you little creep. Now see you don't do it again!


And finally, here's the way it's already heading... Digital correctness gone mad...

Caller: I wish to dispute these unauthorised overdraft charges

Robot: Please press one to be transferred to a robot, press two to be transferred to a different robot, or press three to be transferred to someone who sounds human but is actually a robot - and who will tell you to take a hike.

Caller: ....