Leak! Cameron-Clegg Pact!

(This is the transcript of a secret meeting between the Conservative and LibDem leaders. They are discussing what will happen in the event of a hung parliament.
The meeting between David Cameron and Nick Clegg is held on neutral territory - a well known restaurant in West London. Team Cameron has booked a private room and the Conservative leader greets Clegg at the door as he arrives.)


Cameron: Nicholas. Lovely to, er.

Clegg: Hi, David. Good to.

Cameron: Yes. Good to...

Clegg: Yep.

(They both take seats opposite one another at a round table.)

Cameron: I suppose that before we get down to biz I should order you a latte or something?

Clegg: Latte? Why's that, Dave? I'm the sort of person who?

Cameron: Who what?

Clegg: I don't know. Westminster? God knows. Bet Etonians don't do lattes

Cameron: What are you talking about, Nicholas? Nothing to do with Westminster, Eton. As it happens I'd be delighted to do lunch, if that's what you'd prefer. I just thought, you know, negotiations and all that. I thought, I thought...

Clegg: Thought what?

Cameron: Golly, latte, Nicholas? Everyone drinks latte nowadays. That was no judgement on Westminster. Westminster's cool. Cousin Wonk went there. Before your time, needless to say.

Clegg: Wonk? Cousin Wonk?

Cameron: Nicholas, please. Can we just, you know... It really shouldn't be this awkward. This meeting... this "meet", as it were.

Clegg: Yeah, of course, Dave. After all, you and I, we went to the best public schools in the country, did we not?

Cameron: No, Nicholas! Not that... Really! Not that at all.

Clegg: So then what, David?

Cameron: Well. You... you and I... we shouldn't be so uncomfortable about... you know?

Clegg: You know?

Cameron: Yes. You know. The class issue, the class thing, whatever you want to call it.

Clegg: Class? Who's worried about class? I'm not worried about class.

Cameron: Well, nor am I, Nicholas. But, I don't know, let's face it... I'm not the awkward one. I'm not all er... flustered. No chips here, not on this shoulder, matey.

Clegg: You went to Eton, matey.

Cameron: Oh, come on, Nicholas. Hello? Westminster isn't exactly slumming it.

Clegg: (Impassive) Right, so, anyway, you were going to say?

Cameron: Okay. So, the thing is, there's clearly - you know this yourself - an issue... we both know that... about class. Not, you know, the way that Brown and the papers would like to portray it, not that class war nonsense... But.. Well, lets just say... let's say, its like this. When I was talking to Pickles the other day... Chairman Eric, he was saying that it wasn't the old Lib-Con pact that was likely to be the issue, it wasn't elites, it wasn't workers versus public school... After all, we're all liberals nowadays. Right?

Clegg: Yes. Liberals. Right. I suppose we are... ALL liberals.

Cameron: Yes, we sort of are really.

Clegg: Fine. So what? What are you trying to say, Dave?

Cameron: What I am trying to say is this... It's the fact that... well, you know.

Clegg: I know?

Cameron: Yes, you know...

Clegg: What do I know?

Cameron: For crying out loud man. Can't you see? Eton, Westminster carving up the, you know... the er... whatsit?

Clegg: The whatsit? What are talking about? You're starting to sound like Boris Johnson, man.

Cameron: No... The, you know... the whatsit. Speaking the same kind of, carving up the.. you know, the language. It's the language for God's sake! What I'm trying to get at.

Clegg: Carving up the language?

Cameron: Exactly, you and I carving up the...

Clegg: (Thinks, then a spark of recognition) Oh, right, I'm... kind of with you. I think I might see where you're coming from now.

Cameron: Do you, old boy? I sincerely hope so, because I think it's kind of... you know, kind of

Clegg: Kind of?

Cameron: Yes, exactly. Kind of.

Clegg: So, hold on David. Are you basically saying that its not the, you know?

Cameron: Exactly. Not the, you know.

Clegg: Not the, you know, backgrounds, as such, that pose the problem.

Cameron: Yep, yep

Clegg: Rather it's the language that you and I... you know.

Cameron: Yes, exactly, its the language that kind of emanates from... that, I don't know, derives from those backgrounds. At least as far as the electorate are, you know, concerned.

Clegg: Right I see. (Reflects) Although, of course Gordon Brown and his crew - his tribe - also speak a totally different language to most of the... you know.

Cameron: Yes, of course, Nick. But he, they can kind of get away with it. He has been getting away with it. Even though he has more friends in the City of London and high places than you or I put together. Ordinary folk still buy into this idea that he speaks a language that's closer to theirs. God knows why. But that's what really worries me. The fact that they think he speaks their language.

Clegg: Okay, okay... I can see what you're getting at now, mate. And you're right. It could be a problem... This language issue, this language thing.

Cameron: Or it could be THE problem

Clegg: Yes, could be THE problem. I totally see where you're coming from... But, but you know what's strange, Dave?

Cameron: What?

Clegg: I'm now thinking... Why didn't you just say this at the outset, mate... about this language issue, that it was kind of ... the problem? You should have said that's what was on your mind. Then we wouldn't have spent so much time, you know, beating about the whatsit.

Cameron: Well, I sort of did, matey. Or at least I meant to... It was just... I don't know. When you walked in like that, you know, through the door, and there was all that latte routine, that chip on shoulder thing... I just couldn't.... er, like, I just couldn't find the right words, I suppose... If you know what I mean.

Clegg: Yeah, I do now, matey. Totally...Totally know what you mean.

Loads-A-Bonus - The Eighties are back!

Ever since Labour depicted David Cameron as Detective Gene Hunt, the eighties have been back in fashion. Throughout the election, there will be contributions from our own eighties man - reinvented for 2010. He will be dispensing his advice as well as his take on the economy. His name is 'Loads-A-Bonus', and here's a sneak preview.

"Do you know why I'm here, ladies and gents? Do ya, do ya? I'll tell you why I'm here. Because I want to talk about my wad. Yeah that's right. I've got this wad of cash and it's all down to the HUGE BONUS I got paid this year.

Do you wonder why I've got it? Well, while you were all remortgaging your country in order to pay for the bailout of my MASSIVE investment bank, I've been creaming it. Yeah that's right. CREAMING IT!

Quantitative easing, I hear you ask? What's all that about then? There's nothing wrong with quantitative easing - I can tell you that right now. Quantitative easing is why I've had an absolutely MASSIVE BONUS this year.

And it was quantitative easing, ladies and gents that did all that, it did. It gave me my MASSIVE BONUS. And now, you'll be pleased to hear, thanks to quantitative easing and my MASSIVE BONUS, I can afford to keep young Garry at Eton, where he will continue to hang out with all those toffs. But I don't give a toss about him hanging out with all those toffs because thanks to Eton, Garry'll get a good start in life. Then, when he grows up he'll also make LOADS-A-BONUSES. Right Garry? Just like your Dad! Good boy.

Only the crumbliest, flakiest manifesto...

It is being dubbed the 'Cadbury Law'. And it is coming to a manifesto near you. But what is it?

It's Gordon Brown's promise that the future takeover of any British company will be scrutinised... like never before.

Now, hasn't the government made promises about these "touchstone" issues in the past? Didn't they tell us that the House of Lords, for example, would become a wholly elected chamber?

Well, party insiders are saying: "Yeah, but this time its different."

What they probably mean is: "It's election time again."

Or could it be, the bad press generated by the chocolate factory takeover has left poor Gordon feeling like a bit of a Charlie?

WARNING to ALL BLOGGERS: Prescott letter

There is a scam currently circulating the internet that is primarily targetting political bloggers. It purports to be from a victim of John Prescott's and it claims that the ex-Cabinet minister regularly parks his Jaguars and various other vehicles in the victim's driveway. It also asks for money to enable the victim to engage in acts of wanton violence towards Mr Prescott's assorted vehicles. Under no circumstances should bloggers, political or otherwise, respond to it. A copy is posted here:-

"Dear kind sir and blogger,

Your Mr John Prescott threatened to hit me the other day, simply because I asked him to move both of his Jaguars from my driveway.

I am a man of simple means and I pay a lot of money to come here to your country to buy postal votes. But I only possess just one driveway where I live and I have asked your Mr Prescott to move his vehicles on countless occasions, but to no avail. He is also quite a fat man and he always leaves his KFC boxes in my bush (with some chicken pieces still in them and the soggy chips).

What kind of an impression will this give to any foreign national, non-dom living in England? I am never going to come here again to try voting. It is expensive and people like Cabinet Minister Mr Prescott park their vehicles in driveways willy nilly. Also the postal vote is not so good as it seems. It requires stamps unlike the ordinary votes where you only pay just for the vote itself and nothing else.

If you do feel an ounce of sympathy for me, can I ask that you sponsor my act of wanton vandalisms towards your Mr John Prescott's cars?

10p will pay for me to throw stone at car.

20p will pay for two stones.

One pound will pay for small brick on bonnet

Two pounds and I let (three) tires down

Ten pounds pays for me to steal all the wheels (I keep the alloys for my self).

One hundred and thirty nine pounds and five pence pays for the glass all to be smashed

Two hundred pounds and ninety pence, and I will call your Mr. Prescott a bloated northern sh*t-faced stinking philandering swine to his face and then kick the wing of all these Jaguar cars in front of him personally.

Three hundred and forty pounds and seventy seven pence and I will deck the superannuated masturbater, and tell him what a flabby vomiting sonofbitch motherf***er he is and then scream that his wife enjoys love making with his subordinate chimpanzee civil servant workers up the back passage, and finally torch all his cars with paraffin and blowtorch (unlicensed) - as I am trained to do back home.

Please give generously. I love democracy.

If you receive this scam, please delete it immediately or report it to the relevant authorities.

Gordon Brown to offer Indulgence Derivatives

Gordon Brown will offer the British public a new, more ethical investment product if he is re-elected in May. In a tie up with the Catholic Church labeled PPP (Papal Protestant Partnership) the Indulgence Derivative will be an ethical form of toxic waste that'll allow the buyer the right but not the obligation to go to Heaven. We caught up with the Prime Minister, The Pope and Brad, Head of Derivative Sales at securities firm Japey, Moron and Sucks as they discussed this new class of ethical investment. This is a snapshot of the meeting - an extended version will be published later this month.

Brown: Your Holiness, you say these products have to be secured on Church of England assets?

Pope: That is correct, Premier Gordon.

Brown: But, I am not sure the British public will be happy with such an arrangement. The assets will be at risk, will they not?

Pope: But Mister Gordon, your British public will not understand the arrangement as such... Just as they did not understand any of these credit derivatives that screwed your economy a couple of years back and that are now costing them an arm and a leg.

Brown: Well, it was all a bit more complicated than that, Your Holiness. But anyway, I am still worried that when the British people understand the liabilities of this particular deal...

Brad: (Loudly interrupting) Guys, guys, guys!  I'm sorry to have to remind you but - Hello? - time is money. And these negotiations are charged by... the... minute... Got that? Now can we just move on and agree this deal... like, before all this waffle bankrupts your respective nations?

(to be continued...)

General Election - "We love you!"

The election spluttered into life yesterday as party leaders travelled the length and breadth of the land bothering shoppers and travellers. But some observers thought that the adoring crowds greeting the Prime Minister at St Pancras Station were not as spontaneous as they seemed.

PM: (To an attractive brunette) So, tell me. What do you do?

Brunette: I work for the Labour party.

PM: What a coincidence. So do I.

Brunette: I know. I can't believe my luck. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

PM: (To man with a beard.) Hello. And what do you do?

Bearded man: I work for the Labour party.

PM: How marvellous. That's what she does. (Points to brunette).

Bearded man: I know. Staggering coincidence, isn't it? But then, who wouldn't want to work for the party?

PM: Very true. (Moves onto a bunch of students, shakes hands) And what do you lot do? Surprise me. Are you students at one of our fabulously well-endowed seats of learning?

Students: (In unison) Yes we are, but right now we are volunteers... for the Labour party!

PM: (Wipes a tear from his eye.) What a marvellous coincidence. Yet more people who want just one thing. A Labour victory!

Adviser: (Approaches the PM) Prime Minister, perhaps you should tone this coincidence thing down. Don't want to draw people's attention to it. (Points to BBC film crew nearby).

PM: No, of course. Well, this crowd cannot all be party workers... (Chuckles) Or can they? (He moves on to a short, middle-aged man in a rain coat) And what do you do?

Bald man: I'm a serial killer.

PM: (Confused) I didn't think we employed any serial killers. (Looks to his adviser).

Adviser: I think it was supposed to be a joke, Prime Minister. You know, light relief.

PM: (Smiles uneasily) Oh, I see. Yes, very good, very funny.


Bald man: In actual fact I'm not a serial killer. I actually...

PM: (Cuts in) Don't tell me. Labour party?

Bald man: No, I'm unemployed.

PM: Oh, dear.

Bald man: But I'm a fully paid up party member.

PM: Oh well, that's good. For a moment I thought you were going to tell me you were a Tory or something horrible like that.

Bald man: (Pointing at a more distant crowd of people) No, that man over there is a Tory, though. The one trying to get past the barrier and your minders.

Adviser: (Cuts in) Yes, you can tell by his total lack of spontaneity that he's a Tory.

PM: I agree. That and the cravate. That's what gives it away. He simply isn't spontaneous or casually dressed enough. Unlike this crowd who just turned up out of the blue and appear relaxed and casual.

Bald man: I don't feel relaxed.

Adviser: You're not actually a Tory are you?

Bald man: No, I just told you.

PM: (Interrupts) Were I... Were I... (Shouts so loud that BBC crew jump) Were I David Cameron, I would be afraid, very afraid. My only supporter would be that man over there, that Tory who is currently talking to my minders and wearing a ridiculous cravatte.

Adviser: (Loudly) It sure would be, Gordon.... Also there would probably be one or two real serial killers in the crowd, who, as we all know, vote Tory. (Turns to bald man). Eh, baldy?

Baldy: (Angrily) But you told me to say...

Adviser: That'll be all, baldy. Run along.

PM: (Turns to crowd) Anyway, I'd just like to say how grateful I am for this wonderful spontaneous turn out.

Crowd: (In unison) Good luck, Gordon. We hope you win. We love you!

PM: I love you too. (Turning to adviser, whispers) That's what I really love - spontaneity! That and love.

Adviser: (To crowd) Thanks guys, good work, that'll be all. Back to HQ. (To Gordon) Where on earth would we be without love and spontaneity?

PM: (Chuckles) In Conservative Central Office, I imagine.

Adviser: (Smiles) Yes... not wrong there.

Prime Minister "absolutely loves democracy"

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced that the General Election will be held on May 6. It is evidence, he says, that he is totally into democracy. "All my life I have wanted to show how much I adore democracy. Today, by calling an election, I have shown this to be the case."

In recent years, the PM has come in for criticism over the makeup of his cabinet. Both he and the second most powerful cabinet member, Lord Mandelson, are unelected. One fifth of his cabinet sit in the upper house - more peers than women. But by calling an election he feels he has silenced his critics. In addition, he says, a raft of policy initiatives are being prepared for the manifesto that will allow ordinary people to share in the "democracy experience". They are as follows:-

- Lowering the voting age to 16 -  Kids won't need to move from their XBoxes as voting buttons will be obligatory on all gaming consoles. And children who aren't into computer games will be able to call a premium rate phone line to vote, much as they do with X Factor or Big Brother. (Check your phone operator for terms and conditions). What's more, if they are not sure who to vote for, or have never heard of voting, they can try a random generator option. It's great - just like playing the lottery!

Brown claimed that the proposals were revolutionary. He said that if boys and girls could have sex at sixteen why could they not vote at the same time - "not," he added, "that we are suggesting that they vote at the same time as having sex... or playing with their consoles for that matter."

- Democracy Day - This will be a day when people can come together, in large gatherings, or not at all if preferred, and talk, or simply think about democracy. They will also be free not to do any of these things, as we do live in a democracy. Celebrities will be drafted in to talk on daytime TV about their visions and their hopes for democracy, and about what it means to them. And ordinary members of the public will have a once in a lifetime opportunity to converse with them - and they don't even have to discuss democracy!

- Democracy wrist bands. Yes, show that you care. And what better a way than by wearing a wrist band? Collect the whole set - they come in five different colours! No-one will be able to call you shallow, or thick, or a fascist ever again (that is, unless you are already a shallow, thick fascist who wears wrist bands.)


At the end of his press conference the PM invited questions on his proposals and was asked: "If Labour is re-elected in May will we finally get the elected upper chamber that Labour has been promising since the 1990s?"

The PM responded confidently: "Thank you for the question. But that is exactly the kind of thing that people will wish to debate on "Democracy Day. We must allow the people to decide such matters. After all, this is the people's democracy!"

Lord Mandelson attacks famous bank robber

Lord Mandelson has launched a scathing attack on one of Britain's best loved bank robbers branding him the "unacceptable face of organised crime."

The business secretary said today, "I have always been intensely relaxed about the likes of 'Diamond Bob' and his safe-cracking capers. He reminded me of those eccentric characters in the Italian job played by Noel Coward and Michael Caine.

"And for a long time we tolerated the antics of such men, believing they added a touch of glamour to the otherwise stuffy world of investment banking. But after they almost wiped out the global financial system with their explosive credit derivatives back in 2008, all I can say is: You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"

Drug capital

Chancellor Darling is trying to grab some shut-eye during a gruelling election campaign. But Home Secretary Johnson suddenly appears at the door. He wants to discuss drugs.

Darling: (Rubbing his eyes) Alan, to what do I owe the pleasure?

Johnson: Something I just need to run by you, Alistair mate.

Darling: If it’s money for some new funding commitment, then I’m afraid…

Johnson: (Cuts in) Nah, not that, Al. Not exactly what I’d call a funding commitment as such.

Darling: (Looks perplexed) No?

Johnson: Nah. Bit of a tricky one this. It's more what you’d call a funding restriction if you like. It’s something our boys at the Home Office have dreamt up.

Darling: (Chuckles) Funding restriction? What exactly can your boys, as such, tell the Treasury about funding restrictions? If you don’t mind my asking.

Johnson: Well, it’s like this, Al: We reckon the Home Office should be responsible for control of the money supply. We think it should be us that’s regulating money and the money supply from now on.

Darling: (Rolling about) Excuse me while I laugh hysterically, Alan old chum. But what on earth are you talking about?

Johnson: (Irritated) No need to adopt that tone, Alistair. There’s a good reason behind this. It's er... Gordon.

Darling: Oh, I see. Gordon.

Johnson: Yes, mate. Gordon. You see, it’s like this: Gordon, as in your boss, as in my boss, is very, very pleased with the war I’ve been waging against these ‘legal’ designer drugs - you know, that mephedrone, and all those clever amphetamine like derivatives that people buy on the internet. You see, it’s making us look very good in the eyes of the Daily Mail readers, this war, this campaign against drugs. Could even help shore up the middle England vote, which can’t be bad. And, like, he and I were having a drink together last night. And we thought, how about if we looked at other legal entities, as it were, that aren’t called drugs but that behave a bit like drugs nevertheless? We were asking: Should we be controlling things that ordinary people don’t even realise are addictive, but that can ruin lives. And one of those things, we decided could be, er... money.

Darling: You what? Money?

Johnson: (Smiles) Yes, great, isn’t it? And we thought that money kind of makes sense because most people don’t even think how much control it has over their lives. Until of course they have to go cold turkey. (Smiles again). Catch my drift?

Darling: You’re totally barking, man.

Johnson: Barking? Maybe, Alistair mate, and maybe not. Remember, it’s a Home Office area of responsibility, mental health is.

Darling: Just as money supply is a Treasury one.

Johnson: Yeah, well that’s where we got a problem, haven’t we? Because, me and the boys at the Home Office, we reckon that you’re not controlling it, this money supply. Never have done. We reckon, in fact, it’s spiralled out of control. It’s becoming almost like an addictive substance, like a drug.

Darling: This is absurd, Alan. It’s not an addiction. It’s... it’s, what makes the world go round, if you’ll excuse the cliché.

Johnson: And that’s precisely why it should be properly controlled, Al. I’m not saying we ban it, nothing like that. I’m just saying we control it. But WE – as in, we at the Home Office – control it.

Darling: You don’t know the first thing about money, man. You’ve never even worked in a senior treasury post. The markets would laugh at you. They’d laugh at this government.

Johnson: The markets, d’you say? As in, the dealers, you mean?

Darling: Yes. If you like, the dealers.

Johnson: The drug dealers, you mean?

Darling: For God’s sake, man. Don’t be so idiotic.

Johnson: You can scoff. But we’ve actually thought this one through carefully, this whole money issue. And not just straight money, but also this funny money, these derivatives that the dealers have been designing. Designer derivatives? (Taps his nose). Know what I mean?

Darling: What on earth...?

Johnson: They’re lethal, these designer derivatives. You must realise that? Those credit derivatives almost did for our economy back in 2008. And all those cheap mortgages what came about as a result of them, all that easy money... everyone high on the smell of Wonga - dealers and punters alike. And unfortunately mate, it was something that the treasury failed time and time again to control. So now it’s cold turkey time as a result.

Johnson: Well, it’s easy to say “failed” now… with hindsight

Darling: Yeah, well there won’t be no hindsight necessary no more. From now on we are going to ban things before they spiral out of control.

Johnson: You totally off your rocker, man? You control them?

Johnson: And first of all, Alistair old chum, we’re going to have to control you, I'm sorry to say.

Darling: I beg your pardon?

Johnson: Yes mate. Sorry about this, but we're going to have to control you. We’re going to send you away somewhere where they don’t have any money, so it can’t intoxicate you no more… A kind of money rehab… What’s more, all your banking friends will go to this rehab too... you can all go there together… and, shall I tell you something else... we’re going to stop people carrying huge wads of cash and spending it all the time...

Darling: You’re crazy, man. Totally off your rocker.

Johnson: (Deranged) Yes, Alistair, old chum. An end, yes an end... to spend, spend, spend... spend, spend, spend.... An end... to spend...

Darling: Please stop repeating yourself, Alan. You’re driving me crazy now.

Johnson: Spend, spend, spend... an end to spend... end end...

(Darling becomes delirious. Johnson’s voice is increasingly ethereal and his face begins to blur. Everything becomes misty and gradually Darling realises that he’s been having a terrible nightmare.)

Darling: How utterly ghastly! Home Office in charge of money supply? It'd be bye-bye to all those lucrative non-exec. roles after I leave office...

Government - "Stimulant drugs okay for kids"

Breaking News: It has emerged that children as young as five will still be allowed to take stimulant drugs. The news comes after the government recently announced it will ban the speed-like drug mephedrone.

The former government drugs advisor Professor Nutt had proposed licensing rather than banning Mephedrone. But Home Secretary Alan Johnson was concerned for the views of Daily Mail readers and decided nothing short of an outright ban would be acceptable.

But it has emerged that another amphetamine type drug popular with kids is to remain licensed. Ritalin is regularly prescribed for children suffering from attention deficit disorder and the government has no plans to end this practice.

A Home Office spokeman said: "No, this is not an April Fool's joke. Ritalin is indeed a speed-like drug and yes it is prescribed for children as young as five. But it is produced by a major pharmaceuticals company that has employed countless MPs and ex Ministers, so it must be all right."

Stand by... Stand by

The election will be called this week. And already politicians are tying themselves in knots . Earlier this month the Justice Secretary Jack Straw stated Labour would reform the upper chamber - a promise first made around 1997. Two weeks later the idea was shelved once again.

Now the parties are blowing hot and cold over the economy: First it's tax rises, then tax cuts. They'll tackle the budget deficit, then it's, not straight away.

None of this bodes well for the high point of the campaign - the publication of the manifestos. Will anyone believe a single word that's in them? Will voters find themselves choosing between one set of fragile promises and another?

Sometimes it's hard to be a party, giving all you've got to one campaign. But, with respect for politicians at an all time low, it's crucial they win back our trust. There can be no ambiguity, no hesitation. People will want an unequivocal "YES!" when they ask the question: Will you stand by your manifesto?"

Shit Creek

A General Election looms. Westminster is already ablaze. But for some out there it's going to be grim: All sound and fury, signifying... disillusion.

Most Brits are too apathetic to vote - or have forgotten how to. A hard core have been loyal to one party all their lives and don't intend to budge. But the aspiring middle classes - men and women of no fixed political abode - are all at sea. These are the floating voters, and this time they don't know where to dock.

Their vote isn't about who they are, but who they want to be. But there's little to aspire to right now. The future's bleak, and neither party's offering a killer narrative. But maybe that's good. People should take a long hard look at politicians and their narratives. Are they just fairy tale manifestos? And the reason democracy's hamstrung?

Politicians know they must win over the 'aspirational classes' if they are to form the next government. In a week or so's time, they'll go into overdrive with spin and hype, offering initiatives, promises - the stuff that tends to constitute narrative. Best bet is to ignore it all. Maybe it's the politicians who should be hamstrung.

And right now there's only one thing for it: A hung parliament. Of course you cannot vote for it. But you can hope for it, as you ignore that spin, those empty promises. Plus you might consider this: How might such an outcome refresh, renew, re-orientate politicians... and make them do what they're supposed to do - that is, work for you?

When it comes to uncertainty, is there an upside?