Sunday, 10 January 2010
Politically correct fashion designer found dead in snow
The body of a famous fashion designer has been discovered at the bottom of a snow drift. The designer who was a supporter of the charity 'Coat Owners Kill and Exploit' (COKE) was found under five feet of snow. All she was wearing was a tee shirt bearing the legend, "I would rather die than wear a coat". She had frozen to death.
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Saturday news in brief
Think positive
The Chancellor Alistair Darling has been extolling the power of positive thinking. He claimed that even though the UK is facing "the toughest cuts for twenty years", investment banks are preparing to pay out 40 BN in bonuses this year. "The last time we saw bonuses like that," he went on, "the economy was fine and dandy." He left the news conference singing, "Happy days are here again..."
Power of positive bullshit
BBC director general Mark Thompson has been urging people to think positive about the absurdly high salaries paid to senior BBC staff and geniuses such as Jonathan Ross. He said in an interview with Ariel magazine, "We are not a county council. We need the best. If Jonathan Ross or I were in charge of your council, road gritting is the last thing you'd be worrying about right now."
The Chancellor Alistair Darling has been extolling the power of positive thinking. He claimed that even though the UK is facing "the toughest cuts for twenty years", investment banks are preparing to pay out 40 BN in bonuses this year. "The last time we saw bonuses like that," he went on, "the economy was fine and dandy." He left the news conference singing, "Happy days are here again..."
Power of positive bullshit
BBC director general Mark Thompson has been urging people to think positive about the absurdly high salaries paid to senior BBC staff and geniuses such as Jonathan Ross. He said in an interview with Ariel magazine, "We are not a county council. We need the best. If Jonathan Ross or I were in charge of your council, road gritting is the last thing you'd be worrying about right now."
Climate Change: Towards a new interpretation
"We are not content with negative obedience, nor even with the most abject submission. When finally you surrender to us, it must be of your own free will. We do not destroy the heretic because he resists us; so long as he resists us we never destroy him. We convert him, we capture his inner mind, we reshape him. We burn all evil and all illusion out of him; we bring him over to our side, not in appearance, but genuinely, heart and soul. We make him one of ourselves before we kill him. It is intolerable to us that an erroneous thought should exist anywhere in the world, however secret and powerless it may be. Even in the instance of death we cannot permit any deviation . . . we make the brain perfect before we blow it out."
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Freezing is warming.
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Freezing is warming.
Friday, 8 January 2010
Friday news in brief
'Conservative' strategy chief
David Cameron has admitted that his strategy director Steve Hilton made a grave error of judgement when he shouted "wanker" at train staff. Mr Cameron yesterday made it clear that Steve Hilton should have shouted the abuse at either Gordon Brown for his hopeless transport policy or at former Prime Minister John Major for his ill-judged privatisation of British Rail.
Clarke Cunt
Gordon Brown has denied cursing former Cabinet Minister and 'Super-man', Charles Clarke. Discussing the recent coup attempt by Patricia Hewitt and Geoff Hoon, he said, "it is great having someone like Charles whom my cabinet colleagues can use to stitch up potential Labour rebels like Patsy and Geoff. Why would I call Charles a cunt when he is such a dependable tool?"
David Cameron has admitted that his strategy director Steve Hilton made a grave error of judgement when he shouted "wanker" at train staff. Mr Cameron yesterday made it clear that Steve Hilton should have shouted the abuse at either Gordon Brown for his hopeless transport policy or at former Prime Minister John Major for his ill-judged privatisation of British Rail.
Clarke Cunt
Gordon Brown has denied cursing former Cabinet Minister and 'Super-man', Charles Clarke. Discussing the recent coup attempt by Patricia Hewitt and Geoff Hoon, he said, "it is great having someone like Charles whom my cabinet colleagues can use to stitch up potential Labour rebels like Patsy and Geoff. Why would I call Charles a cunt when he is such a dependable tool?"
Thursday, 7 January 2010
A Ross of faith
Hi, my name is Alan, and I ask you to lend me your ears. For I am a serious man. I am a man of gravitas and a veteran of broadcasting. People here at the Beeb know me as, well, let's just say, they know me as Alan. And of course, people here, they call me Alan. Indeed they do. And that is the name that I go by on a day to day basis. But you, the public, the licence-fee paying public, you can call me That guy whose contribution to broadcasting nobody really appreciates. And that is me. Alan... that guy. Now, leaving that aside, I have come here today to talk to you about a very, very serious issue indeed.
This, I will tell you now, is a very sad day for the BBC. A giant of broadcasting, a beacon of light entertainment, a veritable talk show genius has walked out through the hallowed doors of the Television Centre for the last time, never, never ever to return. He has climbed onto his camel and headed off into the wild blue yonder, or the yellow-brown desert perhaps. He will not turn his head to look back - no, not once. For he no longer cares. What is this man's name? His name is Jonathan.
That this Jonathan has tired of interviewing people on his vibrant, his magical talk show is indeed sad. But that it comes after a long campaign of hatred and vituperation waged by members of the public, by whingeing licence-fee payers and by members of the publishing - and I stress publishing - media is, for an old broadcasting trooper like myself frankly gutwrenching. Indeed, it is beyond reason. It is, in the words of Lord Reith, fucking crazy.
This Jonathan once made an error, a very minor error. This Jonathan, this humble genius, had the temerity to tell an old man that his best mate, someone cunningly, someone cleverly called Russell, had, as it were, fucked the old fellow's grand-daughter.
Now this grand-daughter was someone of, I might say, very little distinction, of dubious character - unlike myself, Jonathan and Russell. Yet the whingeing licence fee payer took exception to this so-called slur on that very grand-daughter's integrity and demanded that Russell and Jonathan be sacked. Now Russell went and Jonathan stayed, he limped on for a few months more.
But now, now he, Jonathan, has gone.
And I ask: Is this what Britain's long and noble history of championing free speech has lead to? Is this why the late, great Tom Paine was imprisoned? Is it? Just so that in the Twenty First Century - THE TWENTY FIRST CENTURY, NO LESS - a free and noble thinker called Jonathan Ross could be hounded out of the greatest television centre in the world?
I think not! I truly think not. And yet, here we are. Ross has gone. And he is not coming back.
So let me just finish by saying this: I hope, I really hope that the critics are happy now. But I hope much much more that they one day repent and realise that, just as it was for Socrates, just as it was for Galileo, and JUST as it was for the late, great Jade Goody, a giant, a blooming (literally) genius has this day departed, has this day been brought down by a stinking and rancid bunch of PIGMIES that you and I and fair Jonathan know as the 'licence fee payer'.
So, Sic transit Gloria Mundi. And I indeed am truly sick - SICK - about the passing of the glorious, adore-i-ous Mr Jonathan Ross.
And you Lord Reith, you the great guiding light, you are, I can safely say, right now, turning in your somewhat unfashionable, yet, I'm sure, sympathetic grave.
This, I will tell you now, is a very sad day for the BBC. A giant of broadcasting, a beacon of light entertainment, a veritable talk show genius has walked out through the hallowed doors of the Television Centre for the last time, never, never ever to return. He has climbed onto his camel and headed off into the wild blue yonder, or the yellow-brown desert perhaps. He will not turn his head to look back - no, not once. For he no longer cares. What is this man's name? His name is Jonathan.
That this Jonathan has tired of interviewing people on his vibrant, his magical talk show is indeed sad. But that it comes after a long campaign of hatred and vituperation waged by members of the public, by whingeing licence-fee payers and by members of the publishing - and I stress publishing - media is, for an old broadcasting trooper like myself frankly gutwrenching. Indeed, it is beyond reason. It is, in the words of Lord Reith, fucking crazy.
This Jonathan once made an error, a very minor error. This Jonathan, this humble genius, had the temerity to tell an old man that his best mate, someone cunningly, someone cleverly called Russell, had, as it were, fucked the old fellow's grand-daughter.
Now this grand-daughter was someone of, I might say, very little distinction, of dubious character - unlike myself, Jonathan and Russell. Yet the whingeing licence fee payer took exception to this so-called slur on that very grand-daughter's integrity and demanded that Russell and Jonathan be sacked. Now Russell went and Jonathan stayed, he limped on for a few months more.
But now, now he, Jonathan, has gone.
And I ask: Is this what Britain's long and noble history of championing free speech has lead to? Is this why the late, great Tom Paine was imprisoned? Is it? Just so that in the Twenty First Century - THE TWENTY FIRST CENTURY, NO LESS - a free and noble thinker called Jonathan Ross could be hounded out of the greatest television centre in the world?
I think not! I truly think not. And yet, here we are. Ross has gone. And he is not coming back.
So let me just finish by saying this: I hope, I really hope that the critics are happy now. But I hope much much more that they one day repent and realise that, just as it was for Socrates, just as it was for Galileo, and JUST as it was for the late, great Jade Goody, a giant, a blooming (literally) genius has this day departed, has this day been brought down by a stinking and rancid bunch of PIGMIES that you and I and fair Jonathan know as the 'licence fee payer'.
So, Sic transit Gloria Mundi. And I indeed am truly sick - SICK - about the passing of the glorious, adore-i-ous Mr Jonathan Ross.
And you Lord Reith, you the great guiding light, you are, I can safely say, right now, turning in your somewhat unfashionable, yet, I'm sure, sympathetic grave.
Mandelson accuses Hewitt and Hoon of chutzpah
In an unprepared statement today the First Secretary said, "The chutzpah of these fucking guys is staggering and..."
The remainder of this post has been deleted by the moderator
The remainder of this post has been deleted by the moderator
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Full-brain scanners?
Is it not time to introduce full-brain scanners into Parliament in order to establish the integrity of prospective Members?
The scanners would root out any MPs, including Lords, who are chiselling, greedy, mendacious little crooks and who intend to fiddle their expenses or sell their services to the highest bidder.
Needless to say, there is one problem: stiff opposition from the Prime Minister. He is afraid that, if tested on him, the scanners might also show that he is a total fruitcake, who plans to turn the country into a banana republic and keep the entire population under 24 hour surveillance.
A Parliamentary ombudsman today announced that this should not pose a problem: The general public already know this to be the case anyway.
The scanners would root out any MPs, including Lords, who are chiselling, greedy, mendacious little crooks and who intend to fiddle their expenses or sell their services to the highest bidder.
Needless to say, there is one problem: stiff opposition from the Prime Minister. He is afraid that, if tested on him, the scanners might also show that he is a total fruitcake, who plans to turn the country into a banana republic and keep the entire population under 24 hour surveillance.
A Parliamentary ombudsman today announced that this should not pose a problem: The general public already know this to be the case anyway.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Why taxing the rich is so hard
Et in Arcadia Ego
The King, he asked, "Why tax the rich? It raises little money?"
The taylor said, "My complex weave, it turns my profits runny."
Accountants talked of dividends that left the taxman baffled.
Then Monte laughed and laughed and laughed; the taxes were all snaffled.
Chorus
Et in Arcadia Ego
Et in Arcadia Ego...
(Repeat a billion times)
The King, he asked, "Why tax the rich? It raises little money?"
The taylor said, "My complex weave, it turns my profits runny."
Accountants talked of dividends that left the taxman baffled.
Then Monte laughed and laughed and laughed; the taxes were all snaffled.
Chorus
Et in Arcadia Ego
Et in Arcadia Ego...
(Repeat a billion times)
Monday, 4 January 2010
Justice Secretary denies problem with full-body scanners
Jack Straw has denied that full-body scanners are a waste of time because they don't detect low-density materials. Security experts have suggested that the scanners will not detect materials such as straw or paper.
The Justice Secretary said, "This does not matter as the full-body scanners will not be used on men of straw such as myself or paper tigers such as The Prime Minister."
He added, "Anyway the introduction of the scanners is just one of Gordon's marketing gimmicks aimed to make him look tough, like a real tiger.... Grrrrr!"
The Justice Secretary said, "This does not matter as the full-body scanners will not be used on men of straw such as myself or paper tigers such as The Prime Minister."
He added, "Anyway the introduction of the scanners is just one of Gordon's marketing gimmicks aimed to make him look tough, like a real tiger.... Grrrrr!"
Monday News in Brief
Government denies Yemen policy is reactive
The government has denied plans to send a task force to the Yemen are reactive. "It was always our intention to intervene in the Yemen even before the failed Christmas Day bombing."
Government denies Yemen policy is just PR spin
The government has denied plans to send a task force to the Yemen are PR spin. "We had no intention of intervening in the Yemen before the failed Christmas Day bombing."
The government has denied plans to send a task force to the Yemen are reactive. "It was always our intention to intervene in the Yemen even before the failed Christmas Day bombing."
Government denies Yemen policy is just PR spin
The government has denied plans to send a task force to the Yemen are PR spin. "We had no intention of intervening in the Yemen before the failed Christmas Day bombing."
Sunday, 3 January 2010
News in Brief - From the other papers
David Cameron denies regime change
The Conservative leader David Cameron has been forced to deny that the real reason for wanting to oust Gordon Brown is 'regime change'.
The opposition leader is frequently accused of not putting enough 'clear blue water' between his party and Labour. And now people are asking whether Mr. Cameron is being honest with the voters.
However, the opposition leader stated, "Whilst The PM is an authoritarian buffoon who has bled this country dry and turned it into a police state, it would be wrong to depose him for these reasons and these reasons alone."
When pressed on his real motives, he said, "It's the power, stupid."
Dolphins as smart as humans claim - cf. Sunday Times
The Dolphin Parliament has decided that it is about time humans realised how intelligent dolphins are. It has decided to 'reach out' and invite a delegation of high profile humans, including politicians and celebrities to its state of the art metropolis. The dolphins will demonstrate how they too drive sophisticated motor cars, can build sky scrapers, adore reality television, stab one another, and can even split the atom. One of the celebrities in the human delegation has apparently asked, "What's an atom?"
Pop star to drop regional accent
A pop star with a regional accent has agreed to take elocution lessons in order to win a multimillion dollar cosmetics contract. The star commented, "Why elocution lessons? Bicizz yer wiiirrrth ett."
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Correction: There is in reality a second prediction for 2010
- More poor people to bang on about climate change
The governments of the leading nations have finally come to their senses and accepted what a lot of people have been suggesting for a long time - More poor people need to be seen talking about climate change.
What is the point of a load of rich, privileged celebrities, Presidents, journalists, Prime Ministers and pop stars preaching to the poor about making sacrifices, when the only sacrifices that they themselves intend to make will be taking twenty international flights a year rather than the usual thirty?
No. It is time to act. Adverts showing poor Brits suffering from the effects of global warming are needed now if we are to get the message across. And coming to a screen near you very soon will be scenes of working class Christmases set in deprived council estates, or even deprived suburbs, where the X-Boxes don't work because there is no power, where people cannot watch endless dance competitions because the dance-halls are flooded, and where the only entertainment is witnessing a local stabbing whilst high on crack and cheap Vodka.
Watch this space.
You won't.
The governments of the leading nations have finally come to their senses and accepted what a lot of people have been suggesting for a long time - More poor people need to be seen talking about climate change.
What is the point of a load of rich, privileged celebrities, Presidents, journalists, Prime Ministers and pop stars preaching to the poor about making sacrifices, when the only sacrifices that they themselves intend to make will be taking twenty international flights a year rather than the usual thirty?
No. It is time to act. Adverts showing poor Brits suffering from the effects of global warming are needed now if we are to get the message across. And coming to a screen near you very soon will be scenes of working class Christmases set in deprived council estates, or even deprived suburbs, where the X-Boxes don't work because there is no power, where people cannot watch endless dance competitions because the dance-halls are flooded, and where the only entertainment is witnessing a local stabbing whilst high on crack and cheap Vodka.
Watch this space.
You won't.
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