Hurray for the public sector

A group of public sector workers have breathed a collective sigh of relief over the fact that they will escape Conservative, and most likely Labour plans for a pay freeze. Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne had suggested at the Conservative party conference that when it came to a public sector pay freeze, "We're all in this together." However it looks as though one group of public employees is likely to escape the freeze.

In autumn 2008, in the midst of the financial crisis, the Government took what ended up being a 70% stake in RBS. As market commentators claimed at the time, RBS was nationalised in all but name. Overnight a large number of 'big swinging dicks' became 'big public swinging dicks'. Apart from the fact that they now sounded rather like people who exposed themselves in public, it also meant that they were effectively public sector employees.

The implications of this were horrendous, not least because many of them thought that they would have to do things like join a union and fraternise with civil servants, council officials and social workers.

It then dawned on them that this government, and future governments might also consider themselves entitled to treat these 'big dicks' as subject to the same guidelines on pay as public employees - with all that that would then imply for pay restraint.

But they can rest easy. Chancellor Darling and Shadow Chancellor Osborne have no plans to restrict the pay of these particular public sector employees, even less actually to get involved in the pay negotiations themselves. We must remember, banks like RBS might well be nationalised in all but name but when it comes to pay that name makes a big swinging difference.

Happy days are here again...

Good news on the housing front: Halifax Building Society has recorded a 1.6% increase in house prices for September and says that they have now risen in five monthly periods since the beginning of 2009. There are now serious hopes of a return to the bubble that sadly ended in 2008.

House prices have risen overall by 1.7% during 2009, reducing the previous 10% year on year fall to a mere 7.4%. Over recent months, Nationwide figures have been even more optimistic than those of the Halifax, suggesting that further rises are feasible and increasing hopes that the 'bubble is back'.

A building society spokesman said: If Gordon Brown can pressure the Bank of England to keep interest rates at an all time low and ignore the inflationary effects of future prices rises as he did last time round, then there is a good chance that we can return to the heady days of 2007, when it was Champagne and bonuses all round and everyone sailed majestically towards the glorious abyss of 2008.

The government has duly confirmed that since there is a General Election next year it would make perfect sense for people to focus on positive issues such as economic recovery and their own asset wealth. "When people realise once again that they can ignore ballooning credit card debt because it is dwarfed by recent house price rises, they will know that they are on to a good thing with Labour."

Emin, great!

The government is currently considering a whole new raft of legislation that it hopes will irritate 'conceptual artist' Tracey Emin. The plan by the Treasury to raise the top rate of tax to 50% has been tremendously popular because it has led to the artist threatening to quit Britain. Some are now wondering whether the government should go further and create a new round of legislation that will effectively 'seal the deal'.

Emin, whose masterpieces include an un-made bed complete with dirty knickers, and a tent with the names of her lovers stitched into it, is considered in some quarters to have been grossly overpaid for what she has contributed to culture. Some have therefore advised her to keep schtum and not remind everyone that her efforts have made her a millionaire. Others have simply cheered at the prospect of her leaving Britain, just as they did when Andrew Lloyd Webber threatened to leave in 1997.

But Emin maintains that she is so disgusted that her bountiful earnings are to be taxed at 50% that she has considered moving to Provence where many former artists have lived and worked. And indeed it is mind blowing to think what Emin might be able to do with a sunflower, in the light of her previous efforts with inanimate objects.

Emin said that the government has failed to grasp the importance of the creative industries, especially of her brand of conceptual art. "At least in France they understand artists, and have traditionally helped them out."

However when the French government was questioned on the issue of Emin coming to France, a spokesman for the French Treasury replied that they were now considering a whole raft of emergency legislation that would ensure that the artist remained firmly on this side of the channel.

Westenders

Eastenders star Boris Johnson has shown how versatile he is by turning up at county hall dressed as the Mayor of London. The actor, commonly referred to as 'The Bullingdon Buffoon' arrived with the Mayor's trademark cat, claiming to searching for the 'Pantomime King Newt' otherwise known as 'Mr. Livingstone'.

It had been thought that Johnson, who has a reputation for bawdy, boisterous behaviour would not touch serious roles like politicians or officials. But years of being typecasts in soaps such as Eastenders has left him feeling that his career is going nowhere. Hence the deal with the BBC whereby he was allowed to play the part of Mayor, Dick Whittington.

It is alleged that Boris was also encouraged to take on this role by his fellow old Etonian thesp, Daffy Dave Cameron who is currently lining himself up for the part of 'Prime Minister' in the upcoming 'General Election'. As with Johnson, some have similarly doubted Cameron's suitability for such a serious role. But the incumbent, Gordon Brown has failed to dazzle during his term and it is thought that his contract will not be renewed next year.

Exclusive - Cameron conference speech leaked!

Dear Mr. Murdoch, Sir.
I would like to say how grateful I am that you have decided to support the Conservative Party. I have always been a big admirer of yours and have always enjoyed reading your really excellent papers, especially the one where the women show their protuberances.
I promise you that I will not let you down. I will do all of those of things that those fibbers and cheats in the Labour Party said that they would do but did not do. I will follow whatever you say on Europe and I assure you that I will not pass any laws that upset business people like yourself.
I will not behave like a toffee-nosed, arrogant public school boy but will understand the needs and aspirations of the common folk and help them to watch your television channels even more regularly than they already do.
I will listen to all your representatives on earth such as the journalists that you employ. And I will help the poor people in the BBC and ITV who wish that you could own their companies so that they could work for your good self. And I hope that if and whenever this happens, that they can start making really good programmes like the ones that you see nowadays on Sky TV
I will allow you to clean up those last bastions of restrictive practices in the media... In actual fact, I will quite simply let you... 'clean up'.
I will always remain your humble servant.
Yours very, very faithfully,
Dave
-

Rehash Brown's

Gordon Brown's Policy Points Dissected:-

- A strategy to tackle anti social behaviour - "We reduced crime by reclassifying much of it as 'anti-social behaviour'. Now we shall reduce anti-social behaviour by reclassifying much of it as 'unruly behaviour'."
- No compulsory ID cards - "We will put an stop to what we started in the first place."
- End to binge drinking - "See ID cards (above)"
- Teenage mother's hostels - "We suggested this in 1998. But in view of the fact that it never happened, we are perfectly entitled to suggest it again... and again."
- Get tough on ASBO dodgers - "We will be tough on ASBO dodgers, tough on the causes of ASBO dodging (i.e. Gordon Brown, who downgraded ASBOs.)
- An elected second chamber - "It is indeed fortunate, Comrades, that this didn't happen when we first promised it, because my government would fall apart without it's unelected peers. But next time round it really will happen... Honest."
- Change - "The great thing about change is that you can keep on promising it, even if nothing really changes. Let's face it, we're not getting any younger... or even staying the same age for that matter, Comrades. And that is indeed change!"

"To conclude, Comrades: If at first you don't succeed, try (2001), try (2005) and try (2010) again..."
-

Setting the bar "high"

Lord Mandelson denied reports that he was 'high as a kite' yesterday, following an exuberant display at the Labour Party conference. The Business Secretary managed to inject life into an otherwise demoralised conference with a rousing speech that claimed that the Party could still win the next election and that promised undivided loyalty to Gordon Brown.

In an era when everyone assumes that politicians must be 'on something', and coming hot on the heels of Andrew Marr's questioning of the PM about the use of prescription drugs, it is hardly surprising that commentators assumed that Lord Mandelson's speech was the result of his taking 'happy pills'. The speech was an emotional roller-coaster that ranged from the frenzied to the coquettish, from the camp to the strident.

At times he was self-effacing and demure, meandering effortlessly through the past gripes and criticisms of his enemies. But eventually he was laying into the Conservatives in an impassioned and almost fanatical rant, claiming that Labour still had the ability to beat the Cameron crew. The Lord's temper was infectious. At the end of a speech that whipped the delegates into near hysteria, he won a standing ovation and received the adulation of many of his former critics.

Said an excited delegate, "On happy pills? Of course he is not on happy pills... If you had been resurrected from the dead for a third time, found that everyone was calling you 'The Lord' and realised that you could walk on water, you'd be high as a kite."

Golden Brown

Senior Labour party figures are furious with the BBC about the interview that Andrew Marr conducted with the Prime Minister at the start of the Labour Party Conference. In the interview Marr asked Brown whether he was using "prescription painkillers and pills" to help him "get through". The PM and Marr then went on to clash over whether this was a fair line of questioning.

Lord Mandelson has criticised the BBC for "personal intrusiveness" and the Labour Party has lodged a formal complaint. Alistair Campbell attacked Marr for repeating rumours that had previously been confined to the blogosphere - they were originally raised by the Conservative blogger Paul Staines aka. Guido Fawkes. Campbell said on his own blog, " It was low stuff. Everyone... has certain areas of their life that they'd prefer not to be asked about on live TV."

The question that no-one appears to have asked is whether it is of concern to the nation that the man with his finger on the nuclear trigger, the man who can take the country to war (or lead the country out of war) is taking mind-altering medication. Furthermore, does it matter that quite a number of people who are dependent on such medication do appear to have a higher than average chance of plunging into debt at some point?

Perhaps not. Many former world leaders have carried on quite ably for years whilst receiving mood, or mind-altering substances. John F. Kennedy and Adolf Hitler are both known to have led their countries whilst taking amphetamines aka speed. They were both extremely powerful men who had at their disposal 'weapons of mass destruction'. And both carried on leading their respective countries 'under the influence' for years rather than just the months - for which most Doctors hope to prescribe such medication.

In fact both were noted for the successful prosecution of complex and 'mind-blowing' confrontations, that showed cunning, bravado and 'determination'... one of which involved the brutal domination of much of Europe, the other that took the world to the brink of thermonuclear war better known as 'the Cuba Missile Crisis'.

From G-Whizz to G-Was

The G-Men are back. Well-groomed, in snappy suits, keen, mean, the G-men stride across the world stage. They have come a long way since the old days. They have recently saved the world from economic crisis, from financial meltdown. They return refreshed, renewed. And they are no longer 8 in number. Now they are 20.

Don't be mistaken. They might look like they are all just smiles. But no, they are much, much more than that. They are hugs... they are words. They are photocalls. They are intentions and aims and goals. And of course, they are hopes. They are the very audacity of hope, the audacity of hopes.

And here comes Gordon - is he G1 or G2? Nobody knows. Does anybody care? He is all swagger and rictus grin. He has renewed confidence, despite what the polls back home say. And now a man called Barack, audacious, hopeful, arrives and the crowds are loving him. Maybe it is he who is really G1... And Gordon, confirming that Barack is indeed G1, calls over to Barack: "Please, Sir. Can I have my picture taken with you?" Barack does not appear to notice and walks on amongst the adoring crowds, oblivious.

And everyone is asking: Will these G-Men conquer the greedy bonus-hunters, the dreaded 'Masters of the Universe'? Will they defeat that eternal enemy that wishes to drain the life blood from the planet, that seeks to destroy all Earthlings?

Well, you, the reader, can stop worrying about all that. The G-men have decided that they are going to have a good long sit down and think and talk about the problem of the 'Masters of the Universe'. And not only that, they will also make statements, saying that they are going to do something, insisting that something must be done. And when we, the earthlings, see that they all shaking hands and hugging eachother, we will surely be able to rest assured that something will undoubtedly be done. Once again we will be able to sleep at night.

And then the wives of the G-Men appear. Boy, do they love these photo-calls, with their designer suits and their hair-dos. They love all the primping and pampering and showing off... And then the wife of G-Brown calls across to the wife of Barack and she shouts, "Can Gordon have his picture taken with your husband." And the wife of Barack whispers into the ear of Barack. And Barack nods in that subtle way that he does. And then the wife of Barack gives the thumbs-up to the wife of G-Brown. And the wife of G-Brown then whispers into the ear of G-Brown. And all of a sudden, the rictus grin, that very trademark of Gordon, G-man, G-Brown... that grin, it just got a whole, whole lot bigger.

Cleaning up (the other sort).

The Times reveals today that David Cameron is making good his claim to be cleaning up politics. It is alleged that 28 Conservative parliamentary candidates for safe seats are working for lobbying companies, whilst more than a fifth of his 150 candidates most likely to win seats for the first time will have done public affairs work.

To be fair, none of the three main parties has any kind of policy nor desire to reduce the influence of lobbyists on government - a situation recently referred to by President Obama as blocking 'the revolving door'. However it is the Conservatives, seemingly on the brink of power for whom the lobbying issue is of the greatest concern.

So what is David Cameron going to do about it? We can assume that he is having sleepless nights right now worrying about whether he can offer the British people, 'government of the people, by the people, for the people ...' and whether he can really offer them the 'transparency' that he so desires.

Because he is a Conservative, Cameron is seen as a man who can most likely offer Britain 'smaller government'. He will no doubt be aware that the reason government exists in the first place is because it offers 'critical mass' to individuals and groups of individuals.... because team effort achieves more than rogue behaviour in so many instances in life.

The question is: Is he aware that some groups and 'teams' in society sometimes find themselves wielding more power than others? Does money, inheritance, existing power etc., play a part in deciding for whom that government of the people actually exists? And does he understand that these questions are crucial if he really wants to achieve the goal of open, transparent, fair government?

Of course he does. He is an Old Etonian and he will have learnt that just as on the playing fields of Eton, so in a just society you have to play by the rules. He will know that those rules must be transparent and fair to all who play... Let's just hope that he knows exactly which rules everybody should play by...

Goosey goosey gander

The Chancellor Alistair Darling has stunned the City of London with his new 'get tough' policy, by telling Britain's Bankers '"The party's over." This is the latest in a series of initiatives by the government to show 'who is boss' and to make it clear that this government 'means business'.

The PM Gordon Brown has previously made it very clear that he is "not happy" that bankers are paying themselves massive bonuses once more. This has had the 'big swinging dicks' and 'masters of the universe' quite literally quaking in their boots.

Of course some commentators were of the opinion that 'the party was over' one year ago when the financial markets crashed and the demise of Lehman Brothers created the world's largest ever bankrupcy. But it appears that this was clearly not the case, according to Darling. For the past three months at least the phrase 'bonuses are back' has been on the lips of everyone still employed in the City.

Some wonder whether this new 'get tough' policy might be a response to the French approach. President Sarkozy of France has suggested he will leave G20 negotiations unless a “substantial, significant and detailed” deal on controlling bankers’ bonuses is reached. Already this week, Lord Turner of the FSA has intimated that many bankers offer little to society with their complex trades. And today, Lord Myners the City Minister has called for greater transparency in pay deals.

Whether the government's new assertiveness will amount to more than a hill of beans, is unclear. No one has yet come up with a viable way of curbing excessive pay packets. And most expect Gordon Brown, despite his 'noises' to back down when it comes to the crunch (not the credit sort, but the other sort). For Gordon has always realised that the City was the 'goose that laid the golden egg' (of high tax revenue). Now, why would he want to kill that goose, even if, from time to time, the bird sprays shit all over the place - as indeed it did one year ago.

Missed a postman..?

Oh yes, wait a minute, Mr Postman... Wait Mr Postman....

Please Mr Postman look and see... If there's a letter in your bag for me

( Please, Please, Mr Postman )

Why's it takin' such a long time... For me to hear from that boy of mine

There must be... Some word today... From my boyfriend... So far away


OFFICIAL CHORUS: The postmen are not working today because they consider it an imposition to work the eight hour day that their contracts expects them to work.
So screw your boyfriends, girlfriends etc... We work to rule and rule to work...