I will Beria the hatchet

A Lavrenti Beria writes:

"My memoirs shouldn't be viewed as an attempt to undermine Gordon's reputation as the best leader this country ever had  (which clearly he was not). I would sooner let bygones be bygones,and "bury the hatchet" as it were. These memoirs should in  fact serve to recall the man Gordon once was in the days of that delightful but verbose - and challengingly  ineffectual - Mr. Kinnock. Back then Gordon was a man of ideas - charming, proactive, resilient, and most important someone  of dogged intellect and determination.

I was asked by Gordon to return to government back in 2008. He was clearly aware that his flagging fortunes could only be  revived by a man who possessed my superb Machiavellian instincts. Just as I had propelled Tony to government in 1997, so,  Gordon reasoned, I could propel him back to No.10 with perhaps a bigger majority and renewed vigour.

Sadly however, it requires a Machiavellian Prince to capitalise upon the plans of a Machiavellian adviser like myself. Gordon  was clearly unable to keep up with, to comprehend the brilliant strategies that I devised to allow him to cling on to  power. I did my best to make him appear statesman-like, to make him stand grand and proud on the steps of Number 10 whenever  a crisis occurred. But Gordon's problem was that he could never run with the situations that I engineered, he could never  carry them through to the point where the people could behold a man of leadership and purpose and destiny.

In the end, it was a hopeless case. The battle with the electorate was lost. The ordinary people reverted to type: greedy,  grasping, selfish and ruthlessly individualistic. Plan Brown was never properly expedited. But, and this is a big but, I  would like to make it clear that unlike that other Lavrenti Beria who was Stalin's fine henchman, I was never guilty of  poisoning my fatally flawed and wounded boss. Gordon, I am sorry to say, did that himself with those funny pills that he  referred to as "anti-depressants".

No. I can hold my head up high. And so I will - very high. I have, unsurprisingly, received multiple job offers from the  finest companies. I wish I could say the same for Gordon, who, it appears, will likely move on to that knackers yard that  people refer to nowadays as "academia".

But most important of all, I continue to serve the Labour Party with my perceptive observations and my  in-depth commentaries  and I am always ready to offer my pearls of wisdom to those, such as the Miliband of brothers who would graciously receive  them."

Yours, PM