I am currently sleeping with someone who is very, very well known. The tabloid press does not have a whiff of this. His wife, his family know absolutely nothing. No one in the media empire that my ‘family man’ owns and operates - people who would truly sell their own grandmothers to get hold of a story like this - has even the faintest idea.
It is delicious for someone like me, who has had many run-ins with journalists and paparazzi over the years, to keep a lid on a secret like this. Of course, some people would think it more delicious, and more profitable, if I did a ‘kiss and tell’. Another expose, another fortune perhaps? Well, as far as I am concerned, at this very moment in time I need neither the money nor the tabloid grief. So secret is how my affair is going to remain, darlings.
Furthermore, I think that secrets should only ever be revealed in a discrete fashion. I think secrets should be a game played by ‘consenting adults’ No, I am not trying to sound clever by writing that. What I mean is that you should never reveal secrets – not to the press, not to the world - unless all parties affected by those secrets have given their consent. Surely it is only fair?
And whilst we are on the subject of secrets, there is another one that I have to own up to. I have to tell my very, very important lover (V.V.I.L.) something about myself. My lovely ‘family man’ is totally in the dark about the ‘other me’. He is clueless. I’ve been meaning to tell him right from the first time we met (at Ascot, no less). But every time I thought about it, we were getting on so well and I was worried about ruining things.
But the prospect of writing this column made me think: now is the time to make a clean breast of things. Clean breast? That is almost funny. There is so much silicone inside me that I wouldn’t know how to make a ‘clean breast’. But yes, now is the time to tell him that back in the sixties, in the heady days before I became famous, I had a little operation. Well it was really quite a big operation - at the time. But right now it seems like nothing. I’ve been every bit ‘the woman’ for the past forty years!
So I am telling him this secret today. He will know as soon as you do, dear readers – but only if he cares about me enough to read my new scandal column! Otherwise, I will tell him this evening when we dine at the Ivy – if by then it hasn’t ultimately filtered out by some other route.
Now, going forward… In my future columns, I will be telling you a bit about what a glamour model like Kayla does after the wrinkles start to show. You know, after we retiring models have wrapped our weary bodies back up again, there is still quite a life ahead, I can tell you. Look at the enormously talented Abi Titmuss – who I understand is to play Lady Mac at Lowestoft's world famous Seagull Theatre. Poor dear Abi, she hasn’t yet worked out that real actors always call it ‘The Scottish Play’. And what about that intellectual giant, Jordan, with her valiant attempts to be a woman of (big) letters? I suppose that there’s a bit of George Eliot in all of us, eh, girls?
Anyway that is what the future holds after the photographers have switched off their flash guns and gone to find the next hottest thing on two legs. Oh yes, Kayla has been doing a lot more than simply dabbling with Very Important Persons (VIPs) – or should I say Very Important Media Persons (VIMPs). She has been quite a media mover and shaker herself. Kayla is no slouch. I will reveal all - I hope starting tomorrow. And this time I will not spare anyone’s blushes, I promise!
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Fuck the innuendo. Show me the story
ReplyDeleteAre you desperate?
ReplyDeleteIf you're refering to what I think you are
ReplyDeleteWhere's her first scandal column, Ned?
ReplyDeleteJust for the record, there is no innuendo
ReplyDeleteYes, Ned, where's her first one?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteDear Mr Ludd, I would be very grateful if you could discretely ask Ms Cayne who she thinks she is talking about and ask her to get in touch with me via the email address that I have sent you under seperate cover.
ReplyDeleteThis is bullshit. It's like saying "I'm going to take my negligee off," then not doing it.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't 'reveal all'. Get them out for the boys, love!
Can you people on this site stop sniggering at me? I did know you had to say the scottish pplay actually. And I also know you say break a leg. So i'm not stupid.
ReplyDeleteAnd can I ask why, when I tried to register my name just now - my own REAL name - on this website, it had already been taken.
Either your software is crap or there are two of me.
Unlikely somehow. That means that someone is cybersquatting on my name. Please can you stop or i'll call my lawyer.
What will you call your lawyer, love?
ReplyDeleteI think that this site is becoming lewd and rude.
ReplyDeleteIt has to stop
Listen, guys, I like a laugh like the next man. But I have just had a stack of super-injunctions thrown at me because everyone is being horrible about celebs.
ReplyDeleteSo please start saying something nice about these people. They're only human after all!
No they're not!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteAbiNational isn't remotely lewd
ReplyDeleteAbiNational were lewd to me the other day when I asked for a loan
ReplyDeleteSpeaking as a Toryskite... I mean, Torykite... Sky-at Nite... sorry, I mean Totsyite, damnit, Trotskyite, speaking as a Trotskyite I can happily admit that I do not dislike capitalism as long as it causes great things to happen like very good adverts and gorgeous women who not only have huge knockers but can also act! act! act!
ReplyDeleteWhy can't any of the people on this website speak proper?
ReplyDeleteGuys, there's some like theory goin' round that people are starting to call Suralan a cockney wanker. Can you believe it?
ReplyDeleteYou is fully fired, c unt
ReplyDeleteDid anyone read this thing on one of the 'mainstream' blog sites that Rothermere's lot are going to bid for the Guardian tomorrow? ( possibly late tonight)?
ReplyDeleteEr, no. Genuinely, no.
ReplyDeleteFuck off and stop using this website to flog your useless share portfolio.
ReplyDeleteProblem is Ned, lot of people hate capitalism (whatever that actually is) but cannot embrace an alternative. Right?
ReplyDelete