Inside Track

I tried the mobile number that Hamish, my old city pal, had given me. The phone tripped straight onto an ansaphone message. The voice didn't sound much like Theo Paphitis - at least not the one that I had listened to on the box. In fact it was rather more like someone putting on a fake North London Greek accent. Even stranger, the voice, the tone and pitch was faintly recognisable. After trying the number another fifteen times to no avail, I just left a message.
Then an hour later, my phone rang and somebody calling themselves Stelios said in a obviously false London-Greek accent, "Why you calling my phone? Who are the bleedin' hell you think you are leaving that message?"
I responded cautiously, "So you're not Theo, Theo..?"
"Theo? I'm not Theo. I told you, I'm Stelios."
"Okey dokey... Sorry about that," I replied and called off, confused and suspecting that Hamish might have been up to some of his old tricks. Back to square one it seemed. Maybe I should try Marcus - the guy with the inside track on Dragons Den. I know this idea of mine seemed far-fetched, just appearing on the set unannounced, but then isn't that how all these entrepreneurs get what they want? Through nerve, through daring?
In the end I spent the rest of the morning faffing. Lacking motivation after the heavy weekend, I aimlessly browsed the internet - as many, many bored city workers do in this dull and directionless segment of the week.
Something caught my eye: Legal Uppers. It was on a website called "Legally off your face." The drugs claimed to offer a perfect solution to 'those weary Monday morning blues'. However they were produced in a molecular form that meant that they were legal and that you could even give them to your grandmother.
Ever since Minxy had started spending more time at the flat, I required a bit more pep in the mornings to get me going. Maybe this was the answer. I clicked on the buy-now link, gave my credit card details and then just sat idly back in my chair gazing into space. Then I thought, maybe I should try and get hold of Duncan Bannatyne's mobile number instead. I'm sure Uncle Otto says he knows him.
Posted by guest blogger Wat Tyler