Don't Watch This Space!

Look at the size of my bonus? Not half!

2012-01-30T12:25:00.005Z

A leading international banker writes:

"Hello. Over recent weeks, there has been much huffing and puffing over the thorny issue of bankers and their huge bonuses. And I'm bound to say that it is, for the most part, stuff and nonsense. The world financial system is in turmoil right now and I would simply like to ask you this: Who do you reckon's going sort out this infernal mess? Politicians? Mandarins? Technocrats? Not bloody likely! What do they know about the complexities of financial systems??

"Let me offer you an analogy that might explain the predicament we're currently facing:-

"Just imagine for one moment, if you will, that you have decided to take your family on a bit of an adventure holiday this year. You possess a state-of-the-art 4x4 and you fancy going on a trek, venturing out to some sparsely populated region of, say, Eastern Europe or Asia.

"Of course, your family members are not quite as gung-ho as you and are concerned that the region you've chosen is not somewhere you'd want to break down.

"You re-assure them that your 4x4 is too big, expensive and technologically sound to fail. You tell them that these 'mommas' just do not break down. And anyway, even if you do encounter minor difficulties, your Premium Insurance Plan will pick you up from anywhere in the world and get you to the nearest registered dealer - however far away that may be.

"So, off you go, exploring the more unspoilt regions of Eastern Europe, encountering no problems whatsoever, until, on day six of your trip, you discover that a problem with the automatic clutch transmission is creating a strange clunking sound whenever you pull away from junctions (assuming they have any junctions in this God-forsaken part of the world!)

"But it isn't a problem. You can still drive the damn thing and eventually you make your way to some fellow claiming to be a registered dealer in the nearest town one hundred and fifty miles away. He says that he knows what the problem is and can sort it out if you leave the car with him overnight. You check into the local five star hotel (assuming there is one) on the assumption everything will be okay by morning.

"But when you return, what do you find? The idiot has somehow blown up the engine and it is going to cost you a fortune to have it fixed. You expect him to do the job for free since he caused it, but he refuses. He says it was "circumstances beyond my control, Sir". What are you going to do, drive it away to the next town? You can't, it's buggered. Have it towed away to the next town, only to find some other goon who will charge you even more, and who might create even greater havoc?

"You get onto the insurance company and they tell you that since the car is already at a registered dealer there is nothing more they can do. You'll have to use this guy or fork out for the car to be towed to the next town, to the next overpriced goon.

"So you stick with the devil you know. You tell the mechanic to go ahead. You're stuck in this hell-hole for two weeks, whilst he ships in the parts and drafts in the (monumentally overpriced) labour to help sort the job out. You end up paying ten times what he quoted and you probably won't be able claim it all on insurance.

"But what else could you do? He was a registered dealer at least. He ordered the right parts and managed to get your car back on the road (eventually). There was no-one else qualified to do the job (apart from the idiot in the nearest town two hundred miles away).

"But hey, look on the bright side. At least you're motoring again!

"So anyway, where was I?

"Yes, what I was going to say is that we bankers, we're a bit like that car dealer /mechanic in my analogy (or the dealer in the next town or in the town beyond that.) We might have caused the problem in the first place. We might charge an arm and a leg to sort out the problem. You might feel that we've got you over a barrel.

"But - and this is a big but - who the hell else do you think is going to get you back on the road?"

"Eh?"

Most wanted

2012-01-02T18:16:00.001Z

A year is a long time in politics... and economics and finance... and sociology... and geopolitical turmoil... and, of course, blogging.
So... here are some of the most visited items of the past year...

1) Monday, 17 January 2011

Leveraging and facilitating the collaborative envelope

We asked a local authority boss to comment on the current round of public sector reforms and the need to deliver less targets and more solutions-focused efficiencies during this time of austerity. (Continued...)

2) Thursday, 27 January 2011

Sex, drugs, and hack and roll

How will future generations regard the recent phone hacking allegations? Will writers, even poets craft a perspective on this free-for-all that rises above the daily revelations regarding who hacked whom? It's possible. Some fiction writers suggest historical events are often best viewed through the prism of literary narrative... or, at least, words to that effect. (Continued...)

3) Saturday, 5 February 2011

LOCAL COUNCIL NOTICE: Library closures

"Due to central government's negative policy of reducing funding for the provision of public services from local councils in Britain, it is with much regret and sorrow that we have to state we have no option but to proceed with cuts to certain non-essential, and, in addition, some less-than-essential, services. To this effect it has been and will be necessary from now on to offer a less thorough and comprehensive library lending service to the men, women and children within this community, notwithstanding the variable hardships that this might or might not bring about. (Continued...)

4) Sunday, 13 February 2011

BAFTAS! The Thing's Speech.

The thing about the BAFTAS... really is... the speech

"I would like to say or rather we would like to say how honoured I or rather we are to be here tonight honouring you honouring us honouring you honouring us honouring you dressed as we are in these beautiful Valentino dresses or are they Armani tuxedos? (Continued...)

5) Sunday, 20 February 2011

We're all royalty now.

What's the world coming to when the Duchess of York is not invited to the Royal Wedding whilst those arrivistes the Beckhams are? We asked pop culture's No.1 power couple to give their "historical perspective" on such matters.

David: Well the way I look at it is, we all come from the same place in the end.

Victoria: Or in the beginning, Dave (Continued...)

6) Thursday, 3 March 2011

A doctor a day keeps the Apple away

Advertisement:

Every so often we give a leading tech company a free plug. We hope this'll encourage it to shove loads of advertising our way. Failing that it fills column inches. Today we look at the iFad2, released yesterday to universal acclaim by a man wearing jeans and a black turtle neck jumper. (Continued...)

7) Monday, 14 March 2011

UN if you want to...

What if -
As the world agonises over whether to impose a no-fly zone over Libya, we ask what Neville Chamberlain's declaration of war might have sounded like if the UN had been around in 1939 and all humanitarian intervention had to be referred to the security council... (Continued...)

8) Sunday, 24 April 2011

Judge Dreadful

At a time when victimised celebrities the world over are coming under sustained attack from the "Freedom of Information League" one man defends the rights of those celebrities. His name is Judge Dreadful - though he sometimes operates under the aliases "Judge Needy" or "Judge Dodgy". (Continued...)

9) Thursday, 5 May 2011

Afterlife 2

(An autocrat and a terrorist bogeyman discuss conspiracy theories)

Osama: You heard the latest conspiracy theory, brother? (Continued...)

10) Wednesday, 10 August 2011

The Riots - An ex-Mayor gives his take

"It's obvious to anyone (such as myself) who knows a thing or two about the citizens of the capital city as well as of this country, and especially the young citizens moreover, that this outbreak of violence we're seeing around the country is due to the vicious cuts perpetrated by this coalition government. (Continued...)

11) Saturday, 27 August 2011

Screw the plot! What about the sub-plot?

Peter Oborne? Charles Moore? These days it’s the right not the left who are focusing on the excesses of capitalism. Maybe we never had a free market in the first place. (Continued...)

12) Saturday, 5 November 2011

The Global University

Coursework: The Long Term Benefits of Globalisation - Part 3a, Section 2.

Our very own Professor Gspot offers the following criteria for global economic harmony:
"Once the multiple and diverse economies of the global community have become fully and soundly integrated (Continued...)

13) Saturday, 12 November 2011

We're no wise-guys!

"I would like to comment on what I deem to be the somewhat inappropriate remarks made by a certain Mr. Watson during the select committee hearing that I had the good fortune to attend this week. (Continued...)

14) Friday, 18 November 2011

The Lyricism of the Technocrat

"You know, just because we are supposedly grey, unelected technocrats, this does not mean that we are thinking, sleeping and dreaming in barren prose all of the time. (Continued...)

15) Monday, 5 December 2011

'Cos they said so...

What brought on the summer riots? (Continued...)

End of Year Quiz

2011-12-27T10:22:00.007Z

Who, in 2011, said the following?

- "They say I am a bad man because I hurt lot of people in my time. But I have many good reasons for doing these things. After I have seen this terrible September Eleven disaster movie all those years ago with all these planes and these towers falling down, then I take decision I must hate these mass destruction weapons as much as everyone else. It is then that I realise it is wrong to have these mass destruction weapons and it is much, much better to torture people instead - which is something I have always been very good at."

- "G'day! Now, say what you like about the PCC. But nahbody can deny they dealt with these press complaints in a dignified, sensitive and, most important of all, a restrained manner. And long may that continue. Good on yer, PCC!"

- "Sure I'd hand your London School of Economics a donation if that could play a part in my "rehabilitation". And I guess the guys at the LSE would accept it - after all, my "rehabilitation" would be good news for them too. Right? Added to that they get the chance to fund some cutting edge research into good governance within the criminal underworld. So you might just call it a win-win situation."

- “Yeah, well the reason I went out the other day and smashed all them shop windows was cos I was angry when they withdrew the edducashonal mentinanc… the educachinell minetinence allouwan… the educcasinall maintinnin… cos I needed a new 42 inch plasma TV.”

- "Mr Murdoch once called me "a very political old monk shuffling around in Gucci shoes". I wonder what kind of foot-wear Mr. Murdoch will be wearing in his next incarnation."

- "Where has all of da money gone? I do not know. This is not easy to explain, I tell you. But one thing that I do know is the whores, which we all know to be very important to society, they do not pay any of the taxes. So maybe this tax situation of these whores, that has a something to do with it. Perhaps."

Special Offer! Peace on Earth!

2011-12-23T20:22:00.007Z

Peace on earth* goodwill toward men*

*Offer not open to ambulance-chasing lawyers and insurers, bureaucrats, bonus-grabbing bankers, producers of crap advertising, feral youth, feral rich, bureaucrats, PRs, lobbyists, bureaucrats, oligarchs, off-shore bankers, makers of reality TV shows, corrupt newspaper proprietors/editors, liars, cheats, frauds, Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan... and, er bureaucrats.

In praise of The Freedom of Information Act

2011-12-17T17:33:00.008Z

An 'insider' writes:

"Far be it from me to *REDACTED*

"It is indeed unacceptable that *REDACTED*

"And despite everything we know about *REDACTED*

"And essentially that's my p *REDACTED*

An Ode to Joy

2011-12-12T15:17:00.002Z

A Eurocrat writes:

"Fortune shines once again on the illustrious Eurocrats - at least as far as certain sections of your British media are concerned!

"Only a while ago we were a bunch of grey and indistinctive men in suits with inane grins on our faces. Only a while ago we were the "load of idiots" who had apparently got Europe into this mess in the first place.

"And now, what a turn around for the books, is it not?

"For it is now your Monsieur Camion who is in the dog-house for not wanting to offer up your oh-so-cherished British sovereignty to grey and indistinctive "idiots" like ourselves in Brussels! And what an isolationist he has shown himself to be!

"How happy I am to see your British media changing its mind! It is all making me want to sing an Ode To Joy!

"You millions, I embrace you.
This kiss is for all the world!
Brothers, above the starry canopy
There must dwell a loving Father.
Do you fall in worship, you millions?
World, do you know your creator?
Seek him in the heavens;
Above the stars must He dwell."

"What a shame it is that you British in your (not very substantial nor visionary) millions have not the desire to share the love and the warm embrace that we Eurocrats have to offer you. Perhaps it is because you still believe that we are "bunch of idiots in Brussels" who got Europe into this mess in the first place.

"But I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth!"

'Cos they said so...

2011-12-05T10:41:00.035Z

What brought on the summer riots?

We've assembled a panel of experts - journalists, sociologists, socio-psychologists, psycho-sociologists, social journalists, Guardian journalists, social networkers, psycho-networkers, concerned politicians, academics, concerned academics, Guardian Newspaper academics, and, members of the LSE - who claim they know why the riots took place.

They know because they've engaged with the rioters, talked to them directly. And they have, quite justifiably, taken the words of these rioters as Gospel.

According to our statistics the rioters acted as they did for the following reasons:-

99.98 % claimed hostility towards the Police, even though the Police were nowhere to be seen at the time.

99.45% claimed it was down to the Police and the very fact that they were nowhere to be seen at the time.

97.98 % said it was to do with the shooting of Mark Duggan, even though 99 % of these respondents also asked: "Who's Mark Duggan?"

98.3746 % cited poverty and the fact that everybody has the right to a 40" plasma TV.

93.456 % blamed poor parenting - their parents brought them up believing they had the right to a plasma TV. In addition, many parents were involved in the riots.

This appears to be proof, were proof required, that all other explanations for the summer riots are unfounded. And this is because the rioters have said so.

Now, the unfounded explanations for the riots are as follows:-

10.2101 % claimed downright criminality, which we opinion-formers have taken with a pinch of salt and interpreted as quite simply mistaken.

3.454 % have raised the issue of gang culture. But then they would raise it, wouldn't they, what with everyone in the media telling them gang culture was to blame?

The Information Commissioner's Rap

2011-11-30T19:22:00.009Z

Ever wondered what an Information Commissioner does for a living? We asked our "resident commissioner" to rap on the subject...

I'm da commissioner.
The info MC
There's nothing, no info
Don't pass by me

Got my powers
From da powers-that-be
They said my job
Was to "oversee"

"Oversee what?" I asked
"Will you please tell me?"
"Personal data," say they
Of guys like you and me."

"But what do I do
When Rupert M wants our data?"
"Dunno," say they
"Get back to you later?"

Chorus:

Much, much later...
Much much later...
So much later...
All da sensitive data.

Stop the presses!

2011-11-28T19:09:00.004Z

What happened to "characters" previously depicted on these pages?

1) Did the predictions of a mad Libyan oligarch come true?

"These crazy rebels, they will use Libya's oil money to buy drugs from that Satan Obama. These drugs will make the rebels dream insane dreams. The ordinary citizen will think he can eat the desert sands and eat the camels, all the camels in Libya, even the brother sister's camels, and after that he will want to eat the tent in which he live and the tent in which I live too. And soon after that, all the camels in Libya and everywhere, they too will want to eat all the tents. And after that happen, President Osama, he will send his dogs into Libya. And he will have given them guns and hallucinatory drugs as well. Those dogs, they will then want to shoot the camels and eat them. And then the sands, they will swallow up the camels and the tents and the peoples. And all of Libya will disappear into nowhere. I ask you: What kind of hallucinations is that? Not my kind, peoples. Not my kind."

2) What happened to the man brought in to advise on breast-milk ice-cream?

"I have looked long and hard at female breasts. As a rich source of nourishment for developing infants, breasts are invaluable. But I do not believe we should look at breasts - common though they may be - as something to be taken for granted, that is to say, as the basis for food production. Would it not be so much simpler for retailers to produce and market breast-milk flavoured ice cream?"

3) What's up with Lord Prescott?

"Just because I have decided to don the ermine which has always been the very insignia of working class oppressors through the ages, it in no way, shape or form suggests that I am about to surrender my fight with those who would undermine those values and those beliefs that I have fought for all of my working life to overcome.

"However I would like to state without uncertainty that those rumours suggesting I am about to follow the path of Comrade Blair and adopt the learnings and the rituals of the Pontiff in Rome and the acceptance of the Latin Mass have no foundation nor justification here on earth nor anywhere else at this present time."

4) Large Hadron Collider - Despite a stack of money being thrown at this Geneva based "experiment" scientists now indicate the Higgs-Boson particle might not actually exist after all. Here's what we said previously:-

Hadron Collider will be sold to developers

The powers that be have come up with a novel solution: convert the collider into a theme park, which will include a Super-Collider Fun Ride, plus an activity centre that'll show people how to make their own Higgs-Bozo particle.

Fashion designers will launch a range of "Collision" Clothing and toy manufacturers will produce scale models of the particle - which should provide hours of fun for children.

Asked to comment on these developments, a scientist called Ron said: “We might as well put the collider to some use. And anyway, I was sick of my mates saying: You know what? We’ve been had Ron.”

5) What became of all those esoteric financial products that bankrupted global economies?

"Guys, guys, guys... collateralised debt obligations are so last season.We've an exciting new range of products nowadays. For example: "Collateralised vulture re-purchase funds", "re-collateralised quantitative easing obligations", "de-collateralised sub-prime re-purchase profits-only obligations", "fractionally-collateralised inflationary no-lose take-profit obligations", "quasi-collateralised bonus obligation obligations", and the latest "un-reconstructed massive-bonus re-newal obligations".

So don't say that bankers haven't changed. In fact we've totally re-invented ourselves!"

The original "stories" can be found by using the search engine to the right!

Everybody needs good neighbours

2011-11-24T11:45:00.018Z

From the archive:-

These days Select Committee hearings focus mainly on policing and the behaviour of the tabloid press (the televised ones do, at least.) But not that long ago it was bankers who were in the spotlight.

On one occasion back in early 2010, the boss of RBS, Stephen Hester, tried to laugh off his exorbitant pay packet. Here's how this blog viewed his performance back then. (How times have changed...):-

MONDAY, 11 JANUARY 2010 - "10 million pound RBS Boss: Even my parents think I'm a greedy bastard."

RBS boss Stephen Hester gave evidence to the Treasury select committee yesterday afternoon. This is the "transcript" of that evidence.

John McFall, MP: May I ask, what do your parents think of you, Mr Hester?

Hester: They think I'm a greedy bastard.

(Roars of laughter in the committee room)

McFall: (Wiping tears from his eyes) Very good, Mr Hester. If I may say, that is an excellent joke. And one that I would expect from someone of your great stature. Now moving on, what does your wife think of you?

Hester: She thinks I'm a greedy bastard, but she likes the new kitchen.

(Derision throughout the chamber. Sound of MPs and journalists falling off their chairs)

McFall: You're in the wrong job, Mr Hester. You're a regular comedian, are you not? Were I head of light entertainment at the BBC I would pay you at least twenty million.

Hester: Indeed you would Mr McFall. Indeed you would.

(More laughter and derision.)

McFall: (Fighting to hold back the tears) Too much, too much, Mr Hester... Now, Mr H. What do your children think of you? And please, please take your time. I haven't yet wiped away all of those tears that your last joke caused.

Hester: What do my children think? Well, Tom loved the Porsche. Tallulah adored the new pony and paddock, whilst Ed thinks I'm God after I bought him the recording studio.

(The chamber descends into chaos)

McFall: I have never come across such flair, such elegant wit. I am lucky to be here at this moment in time. Indeed, very lucky. Now, Mr Hester, what do your neighbours make of you?

Hester: My neighbours think I'm a greedy bastard. That's because they are envious. They tell people in our local village that I am a tosser. But they have to be nice to my face. You see, each year my family throws the most lavish summer ball in the county. If neighbours Ron and Val don't show due deference whenever they are in my company then they will find themselves very much uninvited. So, Ron and Val... who are the tossers now, eh? Eh?

(Howls of laughter around the chamber)

McFall: (Trying to compose himself) We are witnessing pure genius. None could ever possibly question your salary, however high it might be, Mr Hester. You are indeed a man who is not simply rich in monetary terms, but also in terms of your character, your spirit and your charming humour. Now, Mr Hester. One final question: What does the taxpayer think of you, do you reckon?

Hester: The taxpayer? Who the hell gives a fuck about them?

When bankers were (just as) powerful.

2011-11-22T12:15:00.003Z

On BBC2 this evening satirist Ian Hislop will take a look at philanthropy within the Victorian banking community. He will focus on characters like Peabody, Gurney and Rothschild all of whom "gave something back to society".

But before we get too excited, we should remember there was one thing Victorian bankers were as loathe to "give back" as their modern counterparts. Namely, power.

Here are a couple of relevant quotes (lest we forget) :-

Baron Nathan Mayer de Rothschild:

“I care not what puppet is placed upon the throne of England to rule the Empire on which the sun never sets. The man that controls Britain’s money supply controls the British Empire, and I control the British money supply.”

Rt. Hon. Reginald McKenna, Midland Bank, England's Secretary of the Exchequer:

"Those who create and issue money and credit direct the policies of government and hold in the hollow of their hands the destiny of the people."

Problem is, how do you encourage bankers to give (power) back to society?

The Lyricism of the Technocrat

2011-11-18T17:17:00.005Z

A technocrat writes:

"You know, just because we are supposedly grey, unelected technocrats, this does not mean that we are thinking, sleeping and dreaming in barren prose all of the time. No! On the contrary. You will be aware that my good friend and fellow Europhile, Herman Von Rompuy has a great love of the Japanese art of Haiku. And we have been seeing many of his great works in such a respect over recent years.

"I too would love to share with you one of my efforts in the art of poetry. It is a clever and challenging variation on the words of that great chap and fellow St. Francis of Assisi. And I hope that you will a-see-see the true poignancy of my work (that sentence was what you British might call a pun - of sorts, anyhow!)

"Where there is discord, may we bring fiscal harmonisation,
Where there is error, may we bring political formalisation,
Where there is doubt, may we bring jargon (of the Euro-specific variety),
And where there is despair, may you lot simply get used to it."

"These are my heartfelt words and I hope you will understand where I am now coming from! Thank you.

We're no wise-guys!

2011-11-12T13:06:00.004Z

A newspaper magnate writes:

"I would like to comment on what I deem to be the somewhat inappropriate remarks made by a certain Mr. Watson during the select committee hearing that I had the good fortune to attend this week.

"Mr. Watson insinuated on a number of occasions that the behaviour of myself and Papa over recent years might well be compared (although not confined) to the various actions of our good friend and confidante Don Vito, whom, incidentally I have rarely met, and then only in circumstances where it was appropriate to discuss a recent baseball game or the declining state of European finances.

"Whilst it is commonplace for successful senior executives such as myself to "hang out" with wise-guys from time to time, this should in no way be taken to infer that Papa or I in any way condone the actions of such guys, which invariably, I am told, include the pursuit, surveillance and "taking out" of enemies and the planting of horses heads in bed-clothing in order to generate a sense of menace thereof.

"I can state quite categorically that, to the best of my knowledge, the organisation that Papa and I currently run is in most instances thoroughly "clean". Where certain indiscretions, like those indicated, but as yet unproven by the select committee, have indeed occurred this will have been simply on the basis of expediency. And those executives who have engaged in said indiscretions will have, for the most part, been dealt with in the appropriate manner (which, for the sake of confidentiality, I am not at liberty to divulge.)

"I hope that this sets the record straight. I trust that it is also clear from the tone of my statement herein that I do in no way display the style nor the nuances of a Capo (di tutti Capi or otherwise), but rather those of a Harvard man who has succesfully gone on to run a global media concern. As for Mr. Watson, I am unable in this instance to say how exactly we will respond to the allegations that he made this week. This is due to the fact that my organisation's code of honour expressly forbids me from doing so.

Euro if you want to

2011-11-10T19:33:00.012Z

Poetry corner...

Euro, Euro, Euro your boat
Gently down the stream
If you see a crocodile
Don't forget to reach some kind of negotiated settlement

Dinosaur extinction linked to global b/s

2011-11-09T11:05:00.004Z

Did a 10KM wide asteroid really end it for dinosaurs? Or could they actually have been wiped out by something closer to home?

This is a claim made by research scientists at UCBS who are suggesting greenhouse gases emanating from unfeasibly large faeces could have made life on Earth unsustainable.

The research focuses upon the enormous amount of methane released into the atmosphere each time Diplodocus or awesome T-Rex parked their breakfast.

What we do know is this:

- In a single year the average Guernsey cow releases 80 to 120 KG of methane into the atmosphere.

- A lone Diplodocus could have released 4.5 times that amount in a single week - and that's in a good week.

Earlier this year scientists at the University of Utrecht indicated a possible volcanic killer: a burst of methane gas triggered by volcanic greenhouse gases.

But could the real killer have been poor potty training?

(More on this BS from UCBS as it breaks...)

The Global University

2011-11-05T00:05:00.001Z

Coursework: The Long Term Benefits of Globalisation - Part 3a, Section 2.
Our very own Professor Gspot offers the following criteria for global economic harmony:

"Once the multiple and diverse economies of the global community have become fully and soundly integrated, the leaders of those individual economies will naturally find themselves not only committed to the spread of global enterprise and endeavour and the pursuit of wider wealth generation, but also the furtherance of a unified taxation strategy that ensures that the bailout junkies and the bounty hunting bankers - who dream of running off to Asia or Switzerland once the going gets tough - find they no longer have anywhere to hide. Unless, of course the terms of globalisation, as defined by Western leaders over the past decade, did not, or had not, taken this very taxation issue - along with all of the entrepreneurial running and the hiding - into account. In which case, what we globalisationists would find ourselves concluding is as follows: Your money is our money. And our money is our money."

How To Spend It - A "Political Capital" special.

2011-11-03T16:23:00.008Z

Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou has scrapped his referendum on the European bailout. We decided to run our own poll - in conjunction with Political Capital's How Not To Spend It magazine - to uncover what's really at stake for the Greek peeps. To a thoroughly unrepresentative sample of putative Greek citizens we put the following question:-

When you dwell upon your illustrious past what kind of Greeks do you find yourself identifying with?

a) The 300 Spartans at Thermopylae?

b) The treacherous Greeks who'd sooner side with the rich, obscenely generous and fashionable King Xerxes of Persia?

c) The 300 Spartans at, er... Brussels?

The results are not yet in. They might never be. In.

But watch this space.

Et tu, Berlusconi.

Whips, by Harold Panter

2011-10-27T17:13:00.003+01:00

According to the Guardian Newspaper, a sketch written by a 29-year-old Harold Panter and lost for more than half a century, has surfaced as a result of diligent detective work.
The sketch, set on the sunbathed terrace of a hotel and called Whips, is Panteresque. And the designated pauses are something of a give-away, or so we're told...

Two gentlemen politicians in deckchairs sit on the terrace of a large hotel. Wearing shorts and sunglasses. Sunbathing. They do not move throughout the exchange

A: The heat is too intense for me today.

PAUSE

B: The heat?

A: The heat. In the house.

PAUSE

B: Well, you're damn lucky you've got your whip.

A: My whip, old boy?

PAUSE

B: The whip. You're damn lucky you've got the whip

A: Yes. Means the world to me. I never find myself at a loss. You understand what I mean?

B: You're a shrewd fellow, I'll say that for you.

PAUSE

A: My house is full of whips.

B: You can't have too many.

A: You've never said a truer word, old boy.

PAUSE

B: I haven't got one to bless myself with.

PAUSE

A: Well, I can foresee a time you'll regret it.

B: I think the time's come, old boy.

A: You can't be too careful, old boy.

PAUSE

B: Well, you've got your feet firmly planted on the earth, there's no doubt about that.

PAUSE

A: I certainly feel secure, old boy.

B: Yes, you know where you stand, all right. You can't take that away from you.

PAUSE

A: You'll find they're a true friend to you, whips.

PAUSE

B: Maybe I'll buy one.

PAUSE

A: Don't come to me. It would be like tearing my heart out, to part with any of mine.

PAUSE

B: You find them handy, eh?

PAUSE

A: Yes ... Oh, yes. When the heat's intense, particularly.

PAUSE

B: D'you reckon the other side ever feel the same way about whips? About their whips?

PAUSE

A: I dare say they do, old boy. Regularly.

PAUSE

B: I bet some of them would love to use their whips on us. Occasionally.

PAUSE

A: I bet they would.

B: And, of course, some of us would love to use our whips on them.

PAUSE

A: Some of us would love them to use their whips on us. Occasionally. If you catch my drift.

B: I think I do. Catch your drift.

PAUSE

A: But. Perhaps there's a third way.

PAUSE

B: A third way? Or a third whip?

PAUSE

A: Correct, old boy. A third whip.

PAUSE

B: That's where I thought this was leading.

PAUSE

A: Really?

B: Yes. Leading to a third whip.

PAUSE

A: Really?

B: Yes.

PAUSE

A: You must remember one thing, old boy.

B: What's that?

PAUSE

A: What we're talking about is very different to a "three line whip". Would you agree?

PAUSE

B: Indeed I would.

Blackout

© The estate of Harold Panter 2011

Clause Four Moment?

2011-10-24T12:07:00.003+01:00

Unions? Union?

Cameron faces down Euro-sceptic Conservative rebels. Is this his plus fours moment?

If...

2011-10-07T18:27:00.003+01:00

Unemployment is on the rise. Jobs is dead.

The genius Steve Jobs revolutionalised gadget-dependency and showed low-paid workers in China how to control their destinies by leaping out of windows. (Not "Windows")

The purveyor of this website thinks satire might also be dead - news content is farcical these days.

From now on you'll find only poetry.

Here's one sent in by a certain Mr Kipling, who, I'm advised, is a purveyor of exceedingly good cakes:-

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

International Relations Examination: Paper 3a - Rogue States

2011-09-10T00:10:00.004+01:00

This is a multiple choice question. Examinees should choose just one answer

What policy should Western governments adopt when dealing with rogue states? Should they -

A) Do nothing?

B) Apply sanctions?

C) Enforce regime change?

D) Support rebels seeking regime change?

E) Embrace leaders of rogue states furthering economic / diplomatic ties facilitating rendition / torture of rebels seeking regime change?

Reminder: Please choose just one answer

Catch 22-3

2011-09-08T01:10:00.009+01:00

As politicians, journalists and (two-handed) economists furiously debate the merits of yet another round of quantitative easing (QE-3), one question is: Will the currency devaluation it generates make the economy more competitive globally? And what happens to that competitiveness if or when other countries follow suit?

The dilemma facing decision makers right now is like something out of Catch-22 (the scene where Yossarian explains his outlook on life to Danby).

"From now on I'm thinking only of me."

"But, suppose everyone felt that way."

"Then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?"

(We don't need no) regulation

2011-09-08T01:07:00.006+01:00

A banker argues the case against further regulation:

"Don't you guys get it? Even if you're right and complaints against banks have hit a high, and even if we are giving Triple A ratings to sub-prime mortgage investments once again, and even if we do find ourselves being investigated for Libor manipulation, and even if we are the only guys creaming it while everyone else is trying to make ends meet... regulation just isn't the answer. Regulation simply hurts the economy. Which none of us wants. Right?

So go easy on yourself. And us."

MOST WATCHED!

2011-09-03T16:47:00.002+01:00

Here are the five most viewed items of the past six months:-

- EXCLUSIVE OFFER! ESPRESSO for men!

The makers of Pro-Espresso EcoVitalian TM have developed a revolutionary new product designed to target male-related signs of ageing.

PRO-Luxe Caffeine Refining Potion Pour Homme is a unique serum formulated at our laboratories in Copenhagen and is derived from 100% (depleted) extract of Venezuelan Arabica coffee bean-dust - considered by many to possess invaluable age-ravaging properties. (Continued…)

- Too big to fail

- The Riots - An ex-Mayor gives his take

- Crisis? What crisis?

- A word from our (esteemed) sponsor, Rene Silverstone

Superb investment opportunity!

2011-09-02T01:02:00.002+01:00

Standard and Poors stripped the US economy of its top sovereign rating earlier this month. But it has just given a triple A rating to a new issue of bonds tied to the sub-prime mortgage market - the kind of financial instrument that screwed the US economy in the first place.

So who exactly does rate the ratings agencies?

Screw the plot! What about the sub-plot?

2011-08-27T00:46:00.007+01:00

Peter Oborne? Charles Moore? These days it’s the right not the left who are focusing on the excesses of capitalism. Maybe we never had a free market in the first place.

Here’s a perspective (re-hashed from the archives).

Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

“Brother Bankers! Faced with the unrelenting tide of criticism and abuse emanating from the capitalist media on a daily basis, I call upon you today to be resolute. I urge you not to waver, not to cower, but to stand firm and show solidarity with your brother bankers worldwide. For we have a strength that far outweighs that of our enemies. And that is the strength of numbers.

“Now when I say numbers, I do not mean how many of us there might be. For we are, of course, an oligarchy and we number relatively few in the grand scheme of things. Nor by numbers am I referring to the size of the bonuses we receive. Though these do indeed comprise many, many numbers - telephone book sized numbers by the sarcastic reckonings of some wags in the media.

“No, I’m talking about the ability of us brothers to use numbers to our own advantage - to shape a new reality out of numbers, to forge a new numerical Jerusalem if you like. For we have shown that we can create “value-added” out of numbers. We have shown through our efforts we can create a bold and booming housing sector by making the value of those houses rise significantly year on year. We did this through the clever invention of those credit derivatives that we traded to our hearts’ content some years back. We've also shown we can take the money that government printing presses have been churning out since 2009 and we can use that money to sell back to the government the debt we'd purchased previously. By this means we were able to charge commission not once but twice and made a handsome profit. And though no real value was created, we nevertheless managed to create our very own kind of “value-added” that we call "massive bonuses". And with those massive bonuses we paid our taxes, or not as the case may be. And remember, those taxes are what really matter to ordinary folk and to governments alike - assuming we actually pay them!

“So fear not brothers. For we can make two plus two equal five, two billion plus two billion equal five billion. And, let me tell you, those numbers, however they appear, will always win over the trust and the faith of people. For we understand the very numbers that make up those numbers... whilst the people, whose money we control, do not!

“And if indeed these naysayers in the capitalist media carry on with their gripes and their attacks upon our very person or persons, then we’ll take our numbers and head off to the lands of the orient to build an even greater numerical Jerusalem, and an even greater oligarchic collective to boot.

“For over there in the orient they behold with even more wonderment the power and the value of numbers. Over there they understand the importance of brothers like us who control the money supply using the armoury of those said numbers that I've described. Okay, so they might not tolerate the coke-sniffing activities in which some of our number occasionally partakes and they might imprison folk for such activities. But that is a small price to pay, Brothers. For control of the money supply is the greatest drug of all!

“Was it not Brother Nathan Rothschild himself who once said two centuries ago: "I care not what puppet is placed upon the throne of England to rule the Empire on which the sun never sets. The man who controls Britain's money supply controls the British Empire, and I control the British money supply."

“Never a truer word was said brothers. And these days we have a far wider reach than the British Empire, or, at least, those countries that once made up said Empire. These days, thanks to the benefits of globalisation, we can extend our reach to all the Empires of this planet!

“So brothers, stand firm! Be true to yourselves (even if not to anybody else)! Be resolute! Show solidarity! And, brothers, last but not least, get you down to your local Porsche dealership and buy yourself a nice little run-around before the prices go up!”

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2011-08-21T13:45:00.004+01:00

The makers of Pro-Espresso EcoVitalian TM have developed a revolutionary new product designed to target male-related signs of ageing.

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Using PRO-Luxe Caffeine Refining Potion Pour Homme increases confidence because it downsizes the negative appearance of anatomical hair depletion whilst at the same time expanding the luxuriant qualities of existing follicular distribution.

PRO-Luxe Caffeine Refining Potion Pour Homme can give you that "bouffant" effect that you so prized in your youth - on your head or anywhere else you might long for re-growth!

So, MEN! BUY PRO-Luxe Caffeine Refining Potion Pour Homme NOW and you too can look like you were born yesterday!

The Generation (Blame) Game

2011-08-15T15:53:00.002+01:00

“Nice to fleece you, to fleece you nice. This is the bit where people tell us who they think’s to blame for last week’s UK riots. See how many of these opinions you find yourself agreeing with. There’ll be a test for you at the end. Probably.”

Young person: I blame the older generation for not listening to the demands of young people and leaving us with no hopes nor dreams for the future.

Prime Minister: I blame the policies of the last government that led to the slow motion moral collapse of our society.

Opposition leader: I blame the feral elite - bankers, phone hackers, dodgy coppers, expenses-fiddling MPs – for setting a bad example.

Investment banker: I blame politicians for failing to get to grips with the harsh economic realities. Which means: You mess with our bonuses and we’ll take our business elsewhere.

Newspaper magnate: I blame corrupt politicians, greedy bankers, vacuous celebrities and police-on-the-make for creating this moral wasteland in the first place.

Senior police officer: I blame ministers for cutting police numbers, even though they haven't cut them yet. What really counts when it comes to policing is quantity not quality. Well, that and having faith in the police to do their job in the first place, whatever that is.

Ex-Headmistress: I blame social theorists who, for too long, have undervalued discipline in Britain’s schools.

The ghost of Lord Reith: I blame the makers of reality TV shows like Simon Cowell who offer unattainable dreams and peddle the idea that 15 minutes of fame beats a decent education.

Simon Cowell: I blame anyone who hasn’t got a dream. And I offer young people dreams. I offer them a way out of the ghetto.

Simon Cowell’s banker: I haven’t a bad word to say about Simon Cowell.

Politicians: Nor have we. None of us.

Newspaper magnate: Me neither. He fills column inches.

Investment banker: The guy makes a shed-load of money. So, what can I say?

The Riots - An ex-Mayor gives his take

2011-08-10T11:04:00.000+01:00

"It's obvious to anyone (such as myself) who knows a thing or two about the citizens of the capital city as well as of this country, and especially the young citizens moreover, that this outbreak of violence we're seeing around the country is due to the vicious cuts perpetrated by this coalition government. Just because these cuts haven't actually had any impact yet is neither here nor there. It's the prospect of these cuts having an impact that is worrying young people and getting them onto the streets to protest, burn down buildings and steal plasma televisions and Adidas running shoes.

"When I was Mayor, I increased police resourcing and police numbers to an enormous extent. And you can see the beneficial effects this has had in recent months and years. You only need to think of the G8 protests or talk to the people of Tottenham to realise how successful my policing policy was. For example, the people of Tottenham absolutely love the police (or at least the ones I was responsible for putting there) and their rioting in recent days was not an example of their hatred of those policemen and policepersons, but rather their contempt for Boris Johnson who is more interested in attending black-tie dinners than caring for ordinary people.

"But there is another important matter here. And that is the one of respect. And by that I mean respect for drunk alcoholic young people. Over recent years, the young have become increasingly frustrated by the fact that when they fall out of pubs and clubs and start beating the crap out of people, the police show them no respect. This was evidenced the other day by one young inebriated lady in Hackney who said: "If the police doesn't show us no respect, then why should we show them any?" And I have to say that this fine lady with her no-nonsense attitude has a fair point.

"And the reason is this: People don't rape and pillage just because they want to, just because it brings them some kind of gain (although I have to admit that I wouldn't say no to a 42" plasma TV screen were I in Ealing the other night.) NO! They do it because they know that when everyone else is doing it, they’d be a fool not to.

"Do you think that, back in the dark ages, the Vikings raped and pillaged for some kind of arbitrary gain? Do you think the Vikings did it because they wanted to engage in some kind of drunken criminality where they all hoped they could go back to Denmark with sacks full of plasma TVs (assuming they had plasma screens in those days)?

"No! They did it because they felt frustrated by the lack of opportunity on their home turf. They were angry that the powers that be had no respect for their brutal, thuggish, drunken behaviour, which to some could be considered quite admirable in many ways. They, like all young greedy drunken yobbish people needed to let off steam now and again and gain the respect that they deserved.

"And last but not least, the Vikings came over here and raped and pillaged because, let's face it, they were totally and completely sick of the territorial ambitions and the dreams of empire that the ancient Britons possessed - even though they had no empire back then. But they would go on to rule the world. And with this in mind, they decided to teach the arrogant British a lesson.

"So, next time you see young persons engaged in drunken, wanton violence, spare a thought for the Vikings, and ask yourself this: Is what they are seeking nothing more than a bit of respect?”

Financial Crisis - News in brief - Where did all the money go?

2011-08-06T00:11:00.002+01:00

S&P downgrades US debt - The ratings agency Standard and Poors, renowned for the triple A ratings it gave to a pile of crappy credit derivatives instruments, is to downgrade US debt. Has S&P got it right this time round? Impossible to say really. After all, who rates the ratings agencies?

Jupiter Probe - The rocket has blasted off and is wending its way to Jupiter or Juno, or somewhere remote. Everyone's asking: "So, what's the payload?" Rumour has it the probe's stuffed full of dollars and Euros belonging to wealthy investors seeking a new off-shore tax haven. As the global economy falls apart, is outer space the next frontier for the planet's indifferent rich?

Tulips - Investors are looking far and wide for safe havens. We asked Rotterdam based investor, Ruyd Van Dem Tulipshe where he'd park his money: "Vell, we Dutch are shimply shuperb when it comes to shee real shmart inveshting shtrategies. Remember folkshs, we shold our ABN bank to RBS back in 2007 - jusht in zee nicks of time. And now we Dutch are shinking zat zee tulip musht be zee next shafe havens."

News in brief: Celebs rule UK!

2011-08-03T11:20:00.007+01:00

- Figures just released show a three percent rise in the number of primary school pupils achieving a grasp of the three Rs. This is proof, were it needed, that the celebrity culture we inhabit ain't as bad as it seems. But what are the three Rs, you ask? Er, like, obvious! Reading, riting and reality TV.

- Billions have been slashed from the cost of the useless NHS computer programme. Officials have found that by scrapping the project, launched in 2002, only £6.4bn will have been wasted as opposed to the entire £11bn. The software company working on the programme has called it a win-win situation. "We made loads of money trying to implement this useless idea. And now its mothballing has saved taxpayers billions."

Expelliarmus!

2011-07-31T19:13:00.008+01:00

Even people who don't follow the Potter cycle will probably recognise some of the buzz-words, chants, charms of JK Rowling's fantasy world. The most memorable of these is "expelliarmus". This is uttered when one wizard seeks to "disarm" another.

It's sometimes used to comical effect as one wizard arrives on the scene and disarms another, only to find himself swiftly disarmed by a third wizard, who in turn is disarmed by a fourth wizard, and so on. For example, Potter enters stage left, waves his magic wand and disarms Sirius Black, then Snape strolls in, wand aloft, and disarms Potter; he is, in turn, disarmed by Remus, who is then disarmed by a renascent Potter - each wizard crying out the immortal phrase "expelliarmus" in the process.

It's a bit like politics (or Pottertics) really:-

Murdoch: (to Kinnock) Expelliarmus!

Mandelson: (to the trots) Expelliarmus!

Blair: (to Major) Expelliarmus!

Brown: (to Mandelson) Expelliarmus!

Bush: (to Saddam) Expelliarmus!

Brown: (to Blair) Expelliarmus!

Johnson: (to Livingstone) Expelliarmus!

Taxpayers: (to bankers) Expelliarmus!

Obama: (to Bush) Expelliarmus!

Journalists: (to expenses-fiddling MPs) Expelliarmus!

Electorate: (to Brown) Expelliamus!

Egyptians: (to Mubarak) Expelliarmus!

Libyans: (to Gaddafi) Expelliarmus!

Watson: (to Murdoch) Expelliarmus!

Cameron: (to Coulson) Expelliarmus!

Murdoch: (to Wade) Expelliarmus!

Wade: (to NOTW journalists) Expelliamus!

Select Committee: (to Met chiefs) Expelliarmus!

There's a lot of this "disarming" goin' round these days. Where it'll end is anyone's guess. One thing's for sure: JK herself is unlikely to be disarmed any time soon. No doubt she's already planning her next work. And of one thing you can be sure: It'll certainly "disarm" her readers. Unless it's another Potter novel of course.

Quick holiday quiz

2011-07-23T10:04:00.001+01:00

Here are the answers to our quick holiday quiz:-

1)

Q: How do you distinguish a decent journalist from a rubbish one?

A: The decent ones write about Murdoch and the hacking scandal, the rubbish ones write about Murdoch's wife Wendi.

2)

Q: How do you get the Hadron collider back into the news?

A: Announce that scientists have caught a "glimpse" of the Higgs Boson "God particle". (No doubt they'll be catching "glimpses" for years to come.)

Crisis? What crisis?

2011-07-21T11:51:00.002+01:00

Okay folks, let's not get too worked up about the financial meltdown facing the economies of Europe and America right now. At least the banking sector is raking it in again - so much so that we bankers have been able to pay ourselves 14 Billion in bonuses over the past year.

Now that can't be bad, can it? Just think of the tax take that'll flood in from our massive bonuses - assuming we don't stash our dosh off-shore, which we probably will, on reflection. And anyway, who cares if we do? We'll still be spending our precious pounds and bucks on luxury goods items, expensive motor cars, yachts and large houses in West London. And that'll give a much needed boost to the retail and housing sectors. Right?

We bankers call this trickle-down. And it's proof that paying bankers enormous piles of cash really does work!

So... So long, Eurozone suckers. We'll be partying in Rio this summer if you need to get hold of us!

Ciao!

Wapping lies

2011-07-18T18:51:00.002+01:00

Responsibility for the conduct of Scotland Yard ultimately resides with the Home Secretary. Bearing that in mind it is perhaps reasonable to ask under whose watch the "cosy" relationship between the Yard and News International executives actually flourished.

Jack Straw: You're not suggesting it was under my watch, are you?

David Blunkett: I feel it would be inappropriate at this time to comment on whether it was under my watch.

Charles Clarke: It couldn't possibly have been under my watch, could it?

John Reid: I think I can quite categorically state, with some degree of certainty, that none of this occurred under my watch - at least to the best of my recollection.

Jacqui Smith: Are you honestly suggesting that it could have happened under my watch?

Alan Johnson: Er, listen mate, ask no questions, tell no lies. 'Nuff said!

And under whose watch were the investigations into misconduct finally launched?

Theresa May: Under my watch.

As they say: 'Nuff said!

BREAKING NEWS: Bin Laden was hacked!

2011-07-15T00:25:00.008+01:00

Relatives of Osama Bin Laden are claiming News International hacked the mobile satellite phone of the Al Qaeda leader while he was hiding in the Tora Bora mountains.

A spokesman said: "Nobody's bothering to investigate this story, but it's probably true - all of it." Elsewhere, quasi-post-neo-con journalist David Aaronovitch has noted: "This is proof, were proof needed, that Rupert Murdoch achieved the kind of penetration most politicians can only dream of."

(More on this breaking news later...)

Hack soup or lobby bisque?

2011-07-14T11:22:00.009+01:00

Hardly a day goes by without some shocking new revelation about phone hacking and the cosy relationship that's existed between police, politicians and senior newspaper execs over the past few decades. But bloggers like Guido Fawkes have gone one step further and reminded us that cosy relationships were never confined to the newspaper industry. Every corporate CEO considers it his duty to put pressure on politicians and influence policy-making. And of course it's the lobby system that facilitates this process.

Here are few posts from the archives that looked at this "issue" back in 2010:-

"F*** the Rich!" - says senior politician.

A high-ranking politician has proclaimed that, despite "flirting with the filthy rich" for some time, he now believes that they are in fact parasites who exploit society, who assume that all politicians are for hire, and who have totally shafted this nation over the past decade.

The politician, speaking strictly off the record, said today: "When I started out in politics, I viewed the rich as greedy bastards who exploited the masses. But I soon realised that they had to be understood if we were ever to achieve power. I went to great lengths to see the world through their eyes. I moved in their circles, ingratiating myself as I went. I even accumulated my own moderate cash pile, just to get a sense of what made them tick. And I liked what I saw. These guys were cool. They had yachts and houses and all kinds of fabulous possessions. They were the new "rock and roll". And I wanted to be a part of it. (more...)

Careers Handbook - No.86 Member of Parliament

Why become an MP? The common answer is, "I want to give something back to society." And for most MPs this means generously lavishing policies generated by think-tanks and focus groups on communities that want solutions to simple problems such as crime and anti-social behaviour. In certain instances policies might be the product of long cherished beliefs, although this is becoming less common nowadays.

An important reason for becoming an MP is of course the desire for power, though this is not always possible for those MPs who languish for most of their lives on the back benches. It is generally accepted that high office is best achieved through frequent displays of sycophancy. An ability to jettison one's conscience, or better still, to have it removed before entering the House, is prerequisite as only those who vote consistently with the government are in with a chance of reaching Cabinet. (more...)

Why MPs are NOT whores

Channel Four's Dispatches has revealed Senior Labour politicians are willing to offer their services for cash. Despite the outcry this has caused, it is nevertheless wrong to liken MPs to whores simply because they are 'for hire'. Here are some points worth considering:-

- Whores are by and large willing to adopt any position - relative to pay. MPs are by contrast principled men and women who enter Parliament having adopted a specific position, and from this they rarely shift. It therefore follows that no amount of money would encourage an MP to, say, role over and "take it from behind" - unless, of course, that were already their adopted position. (more...)

Health Warning: Cloned politician entered food chain at least 20 years ago!

As the Food Standards Agency (FSA) claims beef from a cloned bull has entered the food-chain, an even greater threat may actually be facing people: The cloned politician.

Political commentators say large numbers of genetically identical politicians may have been allowed to roam freely within the "Westminster Village" for perhaps the past two decades or more. These claims come amid recent concerns that politicians are displaying alarmingly similar character traits from generation to generation, both before and after office. The commentators have cited the following examples:- (more...)

In the dock, green

2011-07-06T15:45:00.001+01:00

"Evenin' all. You know, when I started out as a bobby on the beat, there was something we used to call "the long arm of the law". What it meant was, however smart your average criminal might think he was and whatever lengths he might go to to evade arrest, there was one thing he could always be certain of: We would always catch up with him in the end."

"Of course these days the old long arm of the law has turned into what people might call a prosthetic limb: You never know if it's going to work properly, let alone what its reach is going to be. That's how the old business of policing has changed since I started out. It's no longer about simple detection and finding your man and then putting him behind bars. A lot of other things now enter into the equation that make it much harder to make an arrest.

"But even if that is the case, I have to say I still sometimes find myself wondering why it took so long for the force to investigate this "phone hacking" that we're hearing so much about nowadays. An old bobby thinks to himself that when those private detectives and those newspaper reporters started poking their noses into the affairs of important members of government, somebody in the force - or somebody elsewhere perhaps - should've sat up and taken note. I think to myself, why didn't anyone act earlier? That's serious business, that is, when it comes to people in government being affected. No two ways about it.

"I don't know, maybe nobody wanted to believe it was really happening. Or maybe they knew it was happening, but wanted to see just how far it would go if they carried on doing nothing about it. But that doesn't really make much sense to me. I mean, what reason would they have for acting like that? One thing I do know is that it's very strange for something like this to go on for so long, without anyone in the force being asked to investigate it both thoroughly and properly. And that's what really stumps me."

"Blimey, maybe this was all the fault of certain people in power who simply wanted to replace good old fashioned policing with that other approach they used to call "softly softly". Or then again maybe it was the fault of those people in power who wanted to show that "softly softly" doesn't work and who actually wanted any old excuse to come down "toughly toughly" on the newspapers and shut them up or even shut them down for good. Well anyway, let's just all hope they don't come down on the newspapers so "toughly toughly" that we never find out the real reason for all of this happening in the first place. Now that really would be a shame, wouldn't it?"

The Trojan Piggy Bank - A Greek Comedy

2011-06-29T12:33:00.008+01:00

The Trojan War dragged on; neither side could deliver the knock-out blow. The Greeks came up with a cunning plan. They made the Trojans a "peace offering" - a giant, hollowed out wooden horse. Little did the Trojans know, inside this equine gift lay scores of Greek soldiers. Despite some initial doubts, the Trojans eventually took delivery of the horse and in the dead of night the soldiers jumped out and opened the gates, allowing the Greek army to flood in and sack the city.

Some time later - a lot later in fact - the Trojans came up with a cunning plan of their own: They called it the Trojan piggy bank. This was an ingenious hi-tech counting machine that could make people believe that they had more money than they really had. The royal adviser explained it to the King:-

"You see, boss, these Greeks, they love their money. And not only that, they love anybody that deals in money - the guys they call the bankers."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah, these guys, the bankers, can't get enough of them, the Greeks. Treat 'em like Gods."

"Like Gods, eh?"

"You better believe it, boss. See, these guys, these bankers make a packet. They're the richest guys around, most powerful guys around. And that's because people depend on them, depend on them for everything."

"Everything?"

"Like everything. They borrow from them, they lend to them. They entrust their life savings to them, they borrow fortunes from them. If they want to go shopping, it's the banks that let them do it. If they want to buy property, it's the banks they need to get the funds. Every single aspect of their daily lives depends on bankers and banking. Without them their whole world would fall apart."

"Interesting... Okay, so what's the deal?"

"Okay, so here's the deal: Way I see it is, if we could somehow convince these Greeks that this money they love could go for ever, convince them there was an inexhaustible supply of it, then they'd keep on burning this money up like there was no tomorrow. They'd keep on shopping. They'd keep on building and buying houses. They'd keep on spending, spending, spending. They'd become addicted to money like it was some kind of a drug or something. With me so far?"

"Think so. But how exactly do we convince them of that?"

"Okay, so here's the clever bit. We offer them this Trojan piggy bank I was talking about earlier. Don't ask how it works exactly. It's technical, full of algorithms and stuff."

"Algorithms?"

"Greek word, boss."

"Greek word, eh? What does it mean?"

"Basically it's a clever piece of mathematical chicanery - gadgetry if you like - contained in this Trojan piggy bank. It allows these bankers to believe they can go on borrowing money, go on lending money. It allows ordinary folk to believe they can go on spending money. It allows politicians to tell people that these happy days, they'll never end."

"Right. Think I'm with you so far. And, then what?"

"Okay. The point is, it's chicanery, and that's all it is. It allows people to think happy days are here, but - and this is a big but - only if they keep on believing happy days are here. However if they start doubting happy days are here, then the whole Trojan piggy bank starts to crumble."

"I see. And then what?"

"Well, by then, everybody's so addicted to this so-called inexhaustible supply of money, and everybody has borrowed and lent so much of it, that if it runs dry, the whole of this Greek society of theirs, it implodes. They cannot function anymore. It's night night, sweet dreams."

"Or not such sweet dreams as the case may be."

"Precisely."

"Okay, okay... I think I like it, this idea of yours."

"Thanks, boss. But, just one sec, here's the other clever bit."

"There's more?"

"Oh, yeah, there's more. See, in the meantime, while this Trojan piggy bank is working its magic, what we in Troy are doing is, we're building up our reserves of money. We're saving, saving, saving, not like these Greek guys who are spending, spending, spending. We'll be working hard to earn it I grant you - it'll be no picnic. But, at least at the end of it, we'll have something to show for it. And so, by the time these guys have wrecked their society with their addiction to money, we'll have a stack of new money ready to offer them."

"Okey dokey. And then what?"

"Well, then we march in there, not with soldiers but with our money, with our largesse, and we clean up."

"What if they don't want to sell?"

"They'll have no choice, boss. They'll need our money."

"Yeah, I like it. I really like it. But this all depends on their bankers and their politicians buying this Trojan piggy bank idea, right?

"Right?"

"And, do you think they will?"

"I'm sure of it."

"How so?"

"You see, it's all about greed, boss. In the early days, these bankers will make a packet out of all this chicanery. The politicians will be more popular than they've ever been - at least for a while. And by the time everyone realises what a pile of horsecrap this piggy bank is, it''ll be too late."

"Too late."

"Too late."

"You know what? I love it. Really love it."

"Thought you would, boss. It's a beaut, ain't it?"

"Sure is. And I think we should run with it."

"Great, boss."

"Although, there's one thing I still don't understand."

"What's that, boss?"

"The Greeks called their horse the Trojan horse, because they were offering it to Troy. By that account, shouldn't we call our piggy bank the Greek piggy bank?"

"Nah, boss. The word "Trojan" is common currency these days. It's a way of describing any piece of chicanery of the kind we're discussing."

"Okay, I'm with."

"Thought you would be."

"So, Trojan piggy bank it is."

"Yeah, boss. Trojan piggy bank it is."

(to be continued...)

Conspiracy theories... from the crypt

2011-06-24T20:12:00.007+01:00

It's summer, season of repeats - for television, at least. Maybe the blogosphere should adopt a similar approach and re-post archive material. What's sauce for the Beeb can be sauce for the blogger? Surely?

Now, that much-loved quasi-meta-post-neo-con journalist David Aaronovitch has recently written a book debunking conspiracy theories. And he may be on to something. The old conspiracy marketplace is chocka right now, so it probably makes sound economic sense to promote an alternative viewpoint.

And with that in mind, here's a re-post of an old item about conspiracy theories...

Monday, 30 November 2009

Intel. A chip off the old Bloc

My handler told me: no names. My post, the first 'intelligence blog' to appear on the web - to the best of my knowledge - won't mention pseudonyms, cover-names, pet-names, pen-names or code names. I told 'Z' - not my handler's real "code-name", simply a smokescreen - that I'm more interested in what people do than what they’re called. And 'Z' told me, I can't mention what they do either.

So anyway, what is it we get up to in our 'community'? Though of course I can't tell you the precise details, I can hint: We follow people. We follow you. We follow you, just as you follow us. Yes, we know you follow us. How do we know you follow us? Because we see you every day, scanning, searching, logging on to certain sites – I’m not talking just intelligence websites, but also affiliates sites (intelligence or other). We know how you think. We even know how you will think before you think. How so? Yes, how so?.

It’s what you people refer to as 'conspiracy theory'.

Right now the intelligence community is concerned the conspiracy theories we know and love are losing traction, they're out of control. Why's that? What do I mean by "out of control"? I'll phrase it in a way that's not what you’d call prosaic, not literal: But what I mean (if you'll allow me to mean something) is, too many conspiracy theories spoil the broth. And I hear you say, literal? Prosaic? What this guy's just given us is a mixed metaphor - pure and simple.

Perhaps. But it is a mixed metaphor that I wanted to deploy for quite some time. And why? Because I know it'll distract you, just for one moment, from what I'm leading on to. Have you got that? Probably not... but then again, you might've just about got it, I think, and you might be afraid... if you happen to be that person whose IP address (starting 134.135...) vanished from my monitor just 0.93 seconds ago! Don't worry, we can follow your IP, even after its vanished!

Anyway, so here we go: We invented conspiracy theories and we invented them to make you afraid. You don't realise this, you probably cannot accept it right now, and you probably never will. But it's true. We always wanted you to think that nothing - no thing - controversial happens unless a powerful organisation makes it happen... Unless a covert governmental agency, or a foreign terrorist cell, planned it that way. And you've always bought that notion. But one day, my friends, you ran too far with that notion, these theories, and you made them your own, your own theories. Now that cannot be right, can it? They are not your theories, they're ours. We created them. So hey guys, could you please just give us back our darned theories? (Okay - that's somewhat tongue in cheek, in case you didn't capiche.)

Or... don't you guys just f- get it? You see, if you can get all your heads round 'information overload', why can't you get them round 'conspiracy overload'? Who the hell will believe these conspiracies any more if, for every famous death, there are ten thousand theories? Next year, there will be a hundred thousand theories for some guy who's one tenth as big. And maybe, one day, there’ll be millions for just your average John Doe. No one will believe these theories any more. They'll be meaningless. And where's the point in that?

So, cool your jets, boys and girls. Cut the theories. If you want anyone to believe in anything ever again, then stop dicking around with all this, 'my belief's as good as the next guy's' shit. Some things are true and some things are not - except when we, and only we, insinuate that they are. And if you keep on spreading too many of your own goddam theories, then maybe we'll find who you are, we'll track your IP addresses, because we’re starting to think that the only reason you'd possibly want people to stop believing in our theories (by spreading so many of your own) is because you are the enemy. The real enemy. The enemy of a community that does theories good and proper.

See, that's the point: The silicon chip, the internet, the web, they were never meant to be about democratizing things like knowledge and truth - or conspiracy theories for that matter. And that's because it's no longer a case these days of, ye shall know truth and the truth shall set ye free. It's, ye shall know what you need to know, and technology can set you free. But first you have to learn how to use technology. And that, as we all know, is a discipline. Right, disciples? Right.

Think about that. We do. We think about it. Every day.

And ask yourself one last question - assuming you've read thus far: What did I mean earlier when I talked about my handler? Maybe, just maybe, I'm the handler, not the handled? And how do you know that anyone ever really told me what I could or couldn't say? After all, I've said quite a lot, have I not? But you'll have to answer that one yourselves, guys.

Yours abidingly and faithfully, Colonel Kurtz (And if you want to believe that's my real name then be my guest. In actual fact, it really is. Yep. Francis F. (the other Francis F.) stole it from me, not the other way round!

PS. A friend of mine tells me this: Next year, a butterfly will flap its wings in the Brazilian rain forest and there’ll be a million theories as to why it did so. But, in reality there's only one theory that's correct, guys. Only one. Think about it.

(On this occasion our 'intelligence blogger' very kindly agreed to provide us with his real name on account of the fact that the "trademark" on it had expired. However we are not convinced that it really is out of trademark and are therefore witholding it)

From the archives: Redemption

2011-06-23T22:16:00.005+01:00

The shadow Work and Pensions Secretary Liam Byrne claimed Labour won't win the next election unless it admits mistakes and learns lessons. "Oppositions that stay in opposition for a long time are the parties that fail to confront the weaknesses the public see in them," he says.

Of course redemption is always to be welcomed. There's precious little of it about these days. And it's not just politicians who are to blame. Think of the high profile bankers, celebs, footballers and their poodle judges for whom redemption is inconceivable. And often when public figures do embrace it, they are criticised for being weak or vacillating.

Anyway, here's an old post from way back in 2009 that addressed the issue. Not much chance of redemption back in them days... (Apologies to Yes, Minister.)

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Hacker... Humphrey... 20 Years on...?

Hacker: Do you know what, Humphrey? When I look back and I remember the frustration I used to feel when the likes of you and Bernard blocked or stalled what I was trying to do... And when I eventually decided that the only way to make things really happen was to clip the wings of civil servants like yourself, and the wings, for that matter, of the other individuals and institutions that wanted to keep things just as they were... And when I then consider how we placed certain special advisers above civil servants and concentrated power in No.10 - because we were elected politicians - When I think about how we used that power to force through certain policies, to respond swiftly, more dynamically to certain events, to act decisively, to act sometimes ruthlessly... when I think about all of that, and I then weigh up what it actually achieved, what it made better, versus how corrosive, how divisive it might have sometimes been, and when I see that politicians did not become better people, but they actually became worse... greedy, duplicitous, sleazy... When I consider all of those things, and recall the rows that you and I had back then, in the good old days, about change and intransigence... You know, I do rather find myself thinking from time to time that... this change we introduced, this sweeping away of the old orders, without creating a more moral, or even a more pluralistic environment... well, Humphrey... perhaps I wonder whether, just perhaps... it wasn't quite such a good thing after all...

Sir Humphrey: No... Prime Minister.

Your money is our money...

2011-06-15T19:27:00.002+01:00

As pressure mounts on the banks to ring-fence the hard-earned savings of retail depositors from the worst excesses of casino banking, here's a run-down of the ten most viewed (banking related) items on this website:-

Wednesday,16 February 2011 - Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

Tuesday,8 February 2011 - Charity begins off-shore

Saturday,5 March 2011 -Blessed are the bankers...

Wednesday,22 September 2010 - No brain drainer

Saturday,11 September 2010 - Your money is our money; our money is our money

Tuesday,11 January 2011 - Love me love my bonus

Monday,15 November 2010 - The wealth of nations

Wednesday,29 September 2010 - Quantitative Sleazing

Friday,26 November 2010 - Where's the money gone (part two)?

Saturday,28 May 2011 - Too big to fail

Avoid "Snog Marry Avoid"

2011-06-12T16:45:00.001+01:00

BBC Trust Chairman Chris Patten came in for criticism after he suggested money could be siphoned from BBC3 to make up the shortfall in BBC World Service funding. The Corporation as a whole is facing twenty per cent cutbacks, and difficult decisions will have to be made. Bearing in mind the Beeb is a public service broadcaster (PSB), where should our priorities lie?

Let's take a look at a typical Monday night schedule and decide which station best fulfils the PSB remit.

7.00pm - World Briefing or Don't Tell The Bride?

8.00pm - Americana (US news) ... or Snog Marry Avoid?

10.00pm - The Strand (arts review)... or Eastenders (repeat)?

11.45pm - From Our Own Correspondent... or Young Rich And Househunting?

(Readers can work out for themselves which of the above are World Service programmes and which BBC3)

Breaking News - Archbishop shock!

2011-06-09T19:41:00.006+01:00

The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams has stunned politicians and Christian congregations alike by claiming the Church of England is not and has never been the Conservative party at prayer. In a lengthy article in today's New Statesman, in which he attacks coalition policies, he also distances the CofE from Labour. He goes on to suggest that political parties travel less upon prayer as such, more upon a wing and a prayer...

(More on this breaking news later)

A word from our (esteemed) sponsor, Rene Silverstone

2011-06-04T12:56:00.004+01:00

"I would like to make it clear that our decision to hold the Tripoli Grand Prix is in no way influenced by financial considerations in any way, shape or form. I myself and my fellow executives have given all of the relevant factors due consideration and have decided that the best way of reaching out to the Libyan people in their time of need is quite evidently to give them a Grand Prix they will remember.

"Colonel Gaddafi has assured me that his country will have a brand new circuit built in time for the race this October (assuming it isn't bombed to smithereens by NATO forces in the interim). He has also promised me that throughout the entire period of the race, he will suspend all tortures, shootings, executions (mock or otherwise), beheadings (full and partial), beatings and other generalised forms of repression.

"This is indeed a very great result and is very much in keeping with the spirit of our wonderful sport. If I, Rene Silverstone, through my humanitarian efforts can halt, or even postpone the forcible amputation of a single limb from being conducted by the Colonel's security forces then I will have indeed achieved my aim.

"For is it not true that the lion can lie down with the lamb? Of course it is! And if, after their brief period of reconciliation, the lion subsequently decides that the lamb would make an excellent supper (because he hasn't had time to go shopping or hunting that day) then who are we to judge? Reconciliation is above such considerations.

"And so is the race we know and love as the Grand Prix. It is above all of these worldly, trivial considerations - pecuniary considerations included!

"I hope that this clears matters up. Thank you.

FIFA : CORRECTION - BLATTER WINS BY A LANDSLIDE!!

2011-06-02T00:43:00.003+01:00

Against all odds, Sepp Blatter was re-elected president of Fifa today. Those who voted for him were, of course, democrats to a man. After all, they have dedicated their lives to understanding the intricacies of voting. They know when, how, why and where to vote. You could say that they're professionals - professional voters, that is.

Although no one stood against Sepp Blatter, his victory was still decisive. That is because he was elected unopposed. And an unopposed election, it has to be said, is no less an election for all that. And that is what counts.

Now, this point is crucial. For football is the peoples' game. And the people are interested in nothing more than the game itself, a game many refer to as the "beautiful game". Do these "people", these lovers of the (beautiful) game really care whether some distant oligarch - a democratically elected oligarch, I should add - is filling his boots at the expense of the (beautiful) game and thereby making the game (indirectly) more expensive to enjoy?

Of course not! The people simply want to enjoy, they want to enjoy the (beautiful) game.

Do these people complain when the bread-maker mixes his flour with sawdust in order to increase his profits? Do the people complain when the circus comes to town and parents pay through the nose for an act their children forget within hours - assuming they like it in the first place?

No! Of course they don't. They just want to be fed, to enjoy, to draw in the richness of life.

So, before we all get on our high horses and start moaning about the bundles of cash that Fifa officials (allegedly) receive for casting their votes, should we not ask this simple question: What difference does it actually make to that game that we call the peoples' game, the beautiful game?

Nothing, I would wager. For, the people actually like, they enjoy paying through the nose for something they have not only learnt to love, but have learnt that they should pay through the nose precisely in order to love.

And who are we to judge? Who is anybody to judge?

FIFA - BLATTER - ZUMA - EXCLUSIVE!!!

2011-05-31T00:09:00.003+01:00

BREAKING NEWS - Jacob Zuma takes on FIFA boss Sepp Blatter. Discusses orderly transition of power.

More on this political football soon...

Too big to fail

2011-05-28T18:52:00.001+01:00

The world's leading banks held billions of dollars on behalf of Colonel Gaddafi's regime, it was revealed this week. Here the Colonel gives us his "take".

"I like to thank these banks that were keeping my money safe during financial crisis that was happening in 2008. These, they were difficult times for everybody, not least, for great leaders of great nation like myself, who have invest so much money in your highly respectable banking institutions.

"I also like to thank the politicians who, at this time, bailed out those banks and who made sure that the precious billions my family had hoarded, that they were not in any jeopardy. Me, my family, all of us, we had worked very hard over the many years since I had come to power to earn this money. We sweated hard, we were fighting hard, we struggle hard to skim off as much as we possibly could from my country and from its coffers, in order to ensure we could keep on funding and investing in the good causes that we believe in so much - like the paying of foreign mercenary to guarantee the stability of Gaddafi regime. So we give many thanks to your politician who make sure that these banks that hold our money, that they did not collapse. We give big thanks.

"But most of all, we thank your taxpayer, who was giving his hard earned money to the politician, who then gave it to the banks, who then paid some of it to themselves and who then also use it to secure and guarantee the money that me and my family, we invest with them. Without you taxpayer, how could we have survived? How could we have paid those mercenary? How could we have paid your companies for the crowd control weaponry that your government, it kindly sold us in 2009? We thank you Mister Taxpayer - most of all people - we thank you!

"Of course, since that time, the ground, it has shifted under our feets, and your current bastard politician, they are freezing the assets of the Libyan regime. They make it so that we cannot touch it, this hard-earned money. What is the point of that, I ask you, when it could be put to such good uses? What is the point, indeed?

"But, I suppose the money, it was good and worthy while it lasted. It was - for a while at least - still put to many good uses. And as they say with the money that you have on this earth while you are alive, you can't take it with you when you go, when you die. That is indeed what they say. And so, it is true, I suppose, that I wouldn't be taking it with me when I go, when I die either. Which probably won't be that long now."

From the archive - Re: Superinjunctions

2011-05-23T18:22:00.002+01:00

This was first published Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Twitter versus the Injunction - A Lawyer's 'Take'

"It is indeed a sad state of affairs when the legal process is confounded, not by government, not by the judges, but by that shallow and capricious phenomenon we call the Internet. That the users of a social networking site like 'Twitter' can have defeated an established legal firm seeking to protect the reputation of an esteemed client, is indeed troubling.

It is apparent to many not just in my own profession, but in the broader business community and in some sections of government that the 'world wide web' is looking increasingly like the 'Wild West': It has become barbarous, even feral. Long established laws, principles and ethics are being casually discarded. Procedures, conventions, practices that apply to the orderly, responsible dissemination of information are trampled underfoot by gossip, speculation and chatter. The execution of appropriate legal undertakings are being undermined by frivolous and unbalanced opinion.

When an established law firm went to court this week to obtain an injunction it followed due legal process. It did so to protect a respected client from the kind of tittle tattle that is rife on the Internet and that can destroy the reputation of a company as well as the livelihoods of its employees. That an august institution as the Law can easily be undermined should give us pause for thought. Who will defend you or me when our reputations have been thus maligned?

Do we really want an Internet that runs wild and unchecked, that has no rules nor boundaries? What if, say, we lived in a world where anyone, yes anyone, had access to the law, whatever their intent, whatever their status, and irrespective of their inability to pay? Well then Law would become a mockery, a free-for-all where any man could take issue with any other - however nefarious, or shallow, or ill-informed the intent might be. The courts would be overrun and would no longer have the capacity to defend those who generate wealth, those who keep our society ticking along - those who make society what it is.

Surely we do not want all men and women to have free and unbridled access to the Internet any more than we would want them to have free and unbridled access to the law? For that, I emphasise, must inevitably lead to the breakdown of everything that this society stands for, the trampling under foot of everything that is dear to us."

"I urge you all: Leave the law to those who can afford it!

(Lawyers name and firm withheld)

A rape by any other name

2011-05-19T16:59:00.010+01:00

Justice Secretary Ken Clarke came under fire yesterday when he tried to qualify the term "rape". Here we consider how widely the term is applied nowadays:-

No.69 a) - "The Wikileak" - This Swedish definition of rape refers to any form of unprotected sex that results in unwanted discharge (also known as a leak). Some individuals have a tendency to leak everywhere, leaving others to clean up after them.

No.69 b) - "The Strauss-Kahn" - Not strictly rape in the Swedish or wider Eurozone sense. It involves the non-consensual intrusion of an unwieldy member state into zones usually designated to free speech and culinary sensations. In France Strauss-Kahn is often called the great seducer. It's worth noting some feminists view seduction to be a form of rape.

No.69 c) - "Reputational rape" - The application - or misapplication - of the word rape can have devastating consequences for a man's reputation. A highly emotive word - similar in its reach to 'racist' or 'climate-change denier' - it's often skilfully exploited by any politician looking to violate an opponent. In fact, The Justice Secretary took such a hammering yesterday you'd be forgiven for thinking he'd perpetrated a rape of ideas, of principles, of beliefs. And even if the charges - or discharges - were untrue or unfair they certainly appeared difficult to shake off.

Free association

2011-05-14T22:24:00.001+01:00

A celeb gives us his "take" on super-injunctions

"Hi there. Listen, I dig freedom of the press as much as the next man. Let's face it, without a free press, I wouldn't have the kind of following I have. So, I'm grateful, really, really grateful for a "free press". Thing is, in recent years the press has started taking liberties. So, for clarification's sake, let me simply state the obvious:-

"Freedom of the press means - My publicist is free to provide newspapers, television companies, micro-blogging sites, what-have-you, with any information (including gossip) that might enhance my image, that might further my career, might sell my films - you know, generally make me look like a fucking hip, cool guy. And, similarly, those media outlets are totally and utterly free to swallow anything my publicist feeds them (No point in denying that!)

"Freedom of the press does NOT mean - The press can publish any information or gossip that contradicts the image my publicist has worked fucking hard to develop (and for which, incidentally, I have paid a stack of cash over the years). If I take it upon myself to cruise the streets of LA late at night offering working girls my largesse, offering them my abundance, then what business is it of the press? Or for that matter, what business is it of the members of the public who buy those damn newspapers that my hard-working publicist works day and night to provide with interesting snippets of information about my good self?

"Does that make sense?"

Twitter and be damned - Part 69

2011-05-11T11:38:00.003+01:00

This week celebs learnt Twitter can be used to get round super-injunctions. But we should never forget the micro-blogging site has tried and tested commercial applications as well. Even the legal profession can use it to sell its services...

Easyjudge - In need of a super-injunction? Easyjudge makes it quick and painless. Available to all irrespective of wealth. Yours for £60,000

Afterlife 2

2011-05-05T16:54:00.001+01:00

(An autocrat and a terrorist bogeyman discuss conspiracy theories)

Osama: You heard the latest conspiracy theory, brother?

Saddam: No, tell me about it.

Osama: People are refusing to believe I'm really dead.

Saddam: That's crazy.

Osama: Indeed it is, brother. Apparently the American government is refusing to release pictures of me. They say it might inflame my supporters. But some people on Earth have concluded that the real reason they won't release the pics is because I'm not really dead.

Saddam: Ha! Priceless, bro'. What a joke... Though I have to say it would make little difference if they did release them. Everyone saw pictures of my capture and execution, but conspiracy theories continue to circulate.

Osama: What? They saying you're not really dead?

Saddam: Yes... Can you believe it? People say I'm not really dead!

Osama: It's totally mad.

Saddam: Yep, but what can you do, brother? People love their consiracy theories. They need them... almost as much as they need us!

Osama: That's ridiculous. How can our followers need conspiracy theories as much as they need us?

Saddam: Not just our followers, brother. Our enemies need them too. A lot of them also want to believe that the likes of you and I aren't dead.

Osama: Struth! Mad old world, isn't it?

Saddam: Mad old world indeed.

Osama: Thing is, I want people to believe I'm dead... Then they might rise up in rage.

Saddam: I know what you mean, brother. That's exactly what they would do - rise up in rage. And so it's almost as though our enemies want people to believe the conspiracy theories. It means they've got us where they want us, but our followers do not.

Osama: Do not what?

Saddam: Do not have us where they want us.

Osama: Oh! I see what you mean, brother. Our followers want us in a place that'll make them rise up in rage. But our enemies do not.

Saddam: Exactly, brother... And now our followers, they cannot rise up in rage.

Osama: The cunning of the infidel never ceases to amaze me!

Saddam: Tell me about it, bro'... Although, it could be worse.

Osama: How so?

Saddam: It could be like Elvis over there.

Osama: Elvis? He's here? In this place? How so?

Saddam: Didn't anyone tell you bro'? This is actually the place where they send all the celebrity guys like us that people refuse to believe are really dead. It's a kind of like a purgatory, a conceptual celebrity purgatory. The big guy sends you here when the fans and followers refuse to believe you're dead.

Osama: I didn't know such places existed. The big guy didn't tell us.

Saddam: I know. I only found out about it myself a couple of years ago. It's what comes from having a fan club. There's no release or, at least, no final absolute release... It probably also explains the lack of virgins here too, brother.

Osama: And all the famous people, believers and non-believers alike come here?

Saddam: All the celebrities. I even saw JFK the other day?

Osama: JFK? Hold on! Everyone accepts that he's dead. The conspiracies surrounding him are not over whether he is dead but who killed him.

Saddam: You think, brother? Well, think again. There's actually another lesser known conspiracy that he's not really dead.

Osama: Struth! I had no idea... These conspiracy theorists think of everything.

Saddam: They do indeed!

Osama: So anyway, tell me about Elvis.

Saddam: Elvis?

Osama: Yes, Elvis. You said it could be worse, like it is for Elvis.

Saddam: Oh, yes. So I did, brother. Yes, poor Elvis. Well the thing about him is that he's stuck in this concept purgatory like the rest of us. Meantime, back on earth, all this speculation about whether he is really dead or not serves only to sell more records. The Elvis estate is still expanding... even now.

Osama: I follow you. So what's the problem with that, brother?

Saddam: Well, you heard the saying: you can't take it with you?

Osama: Ah! I see what you mean, brother. He cannot take it with him. That's must be very frustrating.

Saddam: Very frustrating indeed, brother.

Osama: But then, in our own way, we have not been able to take it - whatever it might be - with us, brother.

Saddam: You'd really want to, brother? Take it - whatever it is - with you?

Osama: Hmm... perhaps not, brother. Perhaps I wouldn't really want to.

Saddam: No, exactly brother!

Afterlife

2011-05-04T17:18:00.002+01:00

(Exclusive! An ex-oligarch and his favorite ex-bogeyman are overheard discussing eternity.)

Osama: Seen any virgins since you got here, Bro'?

Saddam: Nope.

Osama: What? None?

Saddam: No, none.

Osama: I don't know, Brother. Sometimes I wonder what it's all about.

Saddam: What what's all about?

Osama: This martyrdom thingy. They said there were going to be virgins.

Saddam: I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

Osama: Wouldn't worry about it? Of course I worry about it.

Saddam: As I say... I wouldn't worry about it. Brother Muammar will be here before long. He'll know where to find them.

Osama: What? The virgins?

Saddam: Yep... The virgins, Brother.

Judge Dreadful

2011-04-24T16:29:00.006+01:00

At a time when victimised celebrities the world over are coming under sustained attack from the "Freedom of Information League" one man defends the rights of those celebrities. His name is Judge Dreadful - though he sometimes operates under the aliases "Judge Needy" or "Judge Dodgy".

He, and he alone, safeguards the right to engage in hypocrisy. He alone safeguards the right to sleep with prostitutes and deny it. He alone safeguards the right to screw people left right and centre, to lie, to cheat, to deceive and generally to undermine the fabric of society... and yet, still appear the picture of respectability.

He is a man on a mission. Here is his charter:-

- Everyone in the legal profession, in Parliament, in society despises me. Therefore I take it upon myself to defend those who, through no fault of their own, find themselves despised (assuming they are wealthy enough to afford a lawyer).

- You can wake me up at any time of the day or night and ask me to issue a super-injunction - so long as you have huge amounts of cash at your disposal.

- I am the guardian of the hypocrits, the fakes, the bullshitters, in their basic requirement to be defended from those investigative journalists who march under the banner of "truth".

- If you are poor and you cannot afford a good libel lawyer, then fuck off.

- One day I might need the European Convention on Human Rights to defend myself from the "truth-seekers", so I am probably onto a good thing.

- You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

- I might bring the legal profession into disrepute, but if you say as much, I'll sue your arse.

- Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? I reply: Who gives a damn?

(NB. All of the above is subject to a super-injunction, so it's illegal to read any of it.)

You wanna get high (dependency)?

2011-04-13T10:55:00.007+01:00

The director of a major "front-line service" and champion of the “big state” tells us what the public sector means to him...

“I believe in government that endows its citizens with front-line services from cradle to grave.”

“I believe in government that spoon-feeds children from an early age, by force if necessary, and that is always on hand to pick up the spoon if it drops, or even if it does not.

“I believe in government that’s always there to wipe the noses and the arses of ordinary men and women, even if they are perfectly capable of wiping their own noses and arses.

“I believe in government that offers its citizens cosmetic surgery on demand simply because it cares about their insecurities. I believe in government that offers fat people stomach stapling so they don’t have to undergo the rigours of dietary discipline and forbearance.

“I believe in government that tells ordinary men and women where they’re going wrong, when they’re going wrong, even if those very people neither know nor care when nor where they’re going wrong.

“I believe in government that obviates the need for stoicism when the going gets tough, because front-line services like my own are always there to pick up the pieces when people screw up, even if we are totally incompetent at doing so.

“I believe in government that will fund my beliefs. I believe in government that’ll let me roll my ideas out to the whole of society, that’ll let me hire armies of generous, caring men and women who want to give, give, give until it hurts - and hurt, hurt, hurt until it gives. I believe in government that'll pay me three times as much as the Prime Minister and that’ll let me build an empire of generosity and empathy and hope.

“And finally I believe in government that I can tell where to go, even though ordinary punters want to tell me where to go nowadays... And, I'll tell you this: If you miserable lot, you the public, are simply too miserly to give me what I believe in and what I really want, then you can all go to hell the lot of you, because I’ll simply up sticks and join the private sector.”

“And that's... that's, cos’ I believe!”

A year ago today...

2011-04-11T06:47:00.001+01:00

As the day of reckoning for the banking industry approaches, we turn the clock back one year to what this site was saying back then...

Prime Minister Brown says: “I told you so.”

Gordon Brown wishes people had listened to him back in the 80s when he warned investment bankers were a bunch of greedy, reckless gamblers.

“Over recent years people probably thought I was a champion of these casino capitalists as they created their toxic mortgage-backed securities that almost brought the Western economies to their knees. But nothing could be further from the truth.”

“It was only for the eleven years I was Chancellor of the Exchequer that I labelled the City of London “a creative hotbed and a centre of wealth generation.” It was only for eleven years that I gave these charlatans free rein to bleed this country dry.”

“But may I remind you, before this, back in the days of the evil Maggie Thatcher, I used to call these pinstriped terrorists a bunch of dodgy geysers who would sell their own grandmothers - or words to that effect.

“I say to you now: It is the other people who told me to make friends with these fat cats who actually bear responsibility for the financial meltdown that occurred in 2008. I, Gordon, fought long and hard against the off-balance sheet vehicles that these bankers and their creative accountant buddies in America employed to hide the true nature of debt, of their liabilities. And I did this by appropriating these very off-balance sheet vehicles and by putting them to good use hiding my own government’s debt instead.

“But sadly, it was to no avail.”

“I stand here before you today and I say with my hand on my heart: I, Gordon was right all along. Everyone should have listened to me when I said how bad these greedy bastards were. And as for all my old mates at Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan, and as for the Goldman bankers currently advising my government, I say simply this: Repent! Repent! Don’t be stupid, be like Gordon. Become a penitent sinner.

“Indeed, as the son of a Manse, and as a deeply, deeply religious soul, I will remind you that it was Jesus himself who threw the money lenders out of the Temple. Now, I personally think that this was going just a teensy-weensy bit too far. I would have let them stay in the Temple and even allowed them to carry on advising Pontius Pilate for the time being. And yet I still say unto these money-lenders: Repent! Repent! Or at least, please try to show that you are thinking about repenting. Could you? Please?

“And indeed when I Gordon Brown leave this office of No.10, I will no doubt go back to the very Manse where I was born and where I grew up. And verily will I re-examine my religious roots, those roots that gave me the moral compass that I possess even unto this day.

“Yeah, verily. That is what I Gordon, Son of Manse, shall do. Unless, of course, these banking scoundrels, these Satans, put temptation my way and offer me a lucrative job in the City of London, trying to sort out the total hash they’ve made of things. And, of course, I will not abandon them in their hour of need - but only because I possess an extremely charitable nature.

“Yeah verily.”

“The bastards.”

If you want to know the time ask a pollster...

2011-04-04T12:31:00.003+01:00

We're inundated with polls nowadays: Are NHS reforms good or bad? Do you support AV? Is Iraq intervention more justified than Libyan? D'you care about Arts Council funding? Is Lady Gaga a genius?

Of course the answer you get depends on the question you ask. So we commissioned a poll on polls to see how the public at large views them.

a) Do you hate being rung up by pollsters?

b) Do polls make good headlines but are otherwise meaningless?

c) Do respondents give any old answer to get the polling organisation off the line?

d) Should you be asking who commissioned the poll in the first place and what they want out of it?

e) Do pollsters load the question to get the answer they want

e) Should you get paid as much for responding to a poll as the pollster does for asking the questions?

f) Do you give a damn?

Answers coming shortly....

Ten most visited pages...

2011-03-28T15:29:00.003+01:00

Click on the links below to see what really got people going...

Thursday, 3 March 2011 - A doctor a day keeps the Apple away

Sunday, 27 February 2011 - Weapons of mass extraction

Thursday, 24 February 2011 - Twilight of the Oligarchs (Act Three)

Monday, 17 January 2011 - Leveraging and facilitating the collaborative envelope

Wednesday, 16 February 2011 - Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

Sunday, 13 February 2011 - BAFTAS! The Thing's Speech.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011 - Charity begins off-shore

Saturday, 5 February 2011 - LOCAL COUNCIL NOTICE: Library closures

Sunday, 30 January 2011 - Twilight of the Oligarchs (Act Two)

Tuesday, 4 January 2011 - The End of the Beginning of History

I know what you did last summer...

2011-03-21T12:53:00.002Z

... and the summer before that... and the summer before that...

Posting too much information on social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook has its downsides. Comments made in jest or whilst enebriated can come back to haunt us...

Here's the transcript of a "recent" interview. It was for the role of a "Press Officer" and it took a turn for the worse, when the candidate's networking history was discussed. Names - and sites - have been changed to protect the identities of those involved...

Mr. Holloway: I have to say, Mr. Porter, we were very impressed by your resume.

Mr. Porter: Thank you.

Mr. Holloway: First from Oxford... Treasury, two tier-one banks, Saatchi. Exquisite references.

Mr. Porter: Thanks.

Mr. Holloway: But...

Mr. Porter: But?

Mr. Holloway: We thought it appropriate - due diligence being what it is these days - to take a look at your net foot-print.

Mr. Porter: My net foot-print?

Mr. Holloway: Your net foot-print, Mr. Porter.

Mr. Porter: Okay...

Mr. Holloway: You have a curious web-profile.

Mr. Porter: I do?

Mr. Holloway: Yes. You do.

Mr. Porter: Right.

Mr. Holloway: Can I ask this? Do you think it wise, from a broader networking perspective, to "love ramming hot comatose, dumb Aussie bitches too pissed to string two words together - they talk shit even when they're not comatose anyway - but boy did she love a good fisting, my fist was still so fucking exhausted after last week's outing with that Mandy tart from the Covent Garden event." That's the kind of profile you, a publicity officer by trade, are happy to leave on the web?

Mr. Porter: Not exactly but when I posted it the next day I was a bit...

Mr. Holloway: You were a bit: "So fucking ass-holed I chucked huge billowing waves of chilli pedigree-chum dog-food kebab all over my keyboard and..?"

Mr. Porter: Hold on...

Mr. Holloway: Yes. Hold on. And can I ask whether there actually is a restaurant - or bar - called "Madame Dildo's Anal Lick-Fest?"

Mr. Porter: Not exactly but where did you..?

Mr. Holloway: Never mind where we found it... You're quite a regular, I see... March 23rd... July 10th... September 19th... Good place to hang out?

Mr. Porter: Hold on!

Mr. Holloway: Hold on to what?

Mr. Porter: Oh! Come on!

Mr. Holloway: And do you make a habit of "emptying bollock-milk over Irina's d-cup?"

Mr. Porter: You what?

Mr. Holloway: ... you were "going through a bad patch at work" perhaps?

Mr Porter: Yes, but.

Mr. Holloway: ... And did you actually tell your colleagues it was you who "whacked the fuck out of Mike's fucking Apple after the Powerpoint fuck-up"

Mr. Porter: That was an exag...

Mr. Holloway: You didn't tell them?

Mr. Porter: Come on!

Mr. Holloway: Thing is, Mr. Porter, as an experienced Press Officer, it appears the one thing you don't give a good press is... yourself.

Mr. Porter: I didn't exactly know...

Mr. Holloway: We'd find out?

Mr. Porter: What can I say?

Mr. Holloway: Do you see the point I'm making? One thing one never wants, in any firm, company, institution, what-have-you, especially one like our own, is for the press officer to become the story.

Mr. Porter: Yes, but...

Mr. Holloway: Yet it appears that's exactly what you're in danger of doing - judging by your foot-print.

Mr. Porter: Hold on just one goddam moment! Just take one look at this. This is the guy I'm supposed to be working for... Assuming I were to get this job...

(Mr. Porter takes a piece of paper from his inside pocket and unfolds it. He passes it to Mr. Holloway. It reveals a prominent businessman who's shaking hands with a recently disgraced Dictator.)

Mr. Holloway: Yes. I was coming on to that.

Mr. Porter: I bet you were, Mr. Holloway. We all leave foot-prints that can come back to haunt us, do we not? Surely, that, to some extent, is what this job's about? No?

Mr. Holloway: To some extent.

Mr. Porter: So, perhaps I understand, better than anyone some of the pitfalls of transacting... in the public arena... as it were.

Mr. Holloway: (Furtively) Yes, so then... what you're trying to tell me is that this role of "press officer" would be better described as one of ""spin doctor? Is that the way you see this role?

Mr. Porter: You could say that, Mr. Holloway. You could indeed.

(to be continued...)

UN if you want to...

2011-03-14T15:53:00.005Z

What if -
As the world agonises over whether to impose a no-fly zone over Libya, we ask what Neville Chamberlain's declaration of war might have sounded like if the UN had been around in 1939 and all humanitarian intervention had to be referred to the security council...

"... Hitler's action shows convincingly that there is no chance of expecting that this man will ever give up his practice of using force to gain his will. He can only be stopped by force.

"We and France are today, in fulfilment of our obligations, considering going to the aid of Poland, who is so bravely resisting this wicked and unprovoked attack upon her people. We have a clear conscience - we have done all that any country could do to establish peace.

"That being said, we must first secure the backing of the UN security council before we can come to the aid of Poland. We hope in the meantime that Herr Hitler will not do anything precipitous and that this aid can be in place before the Polish people capitulate.

"I urge those brave people who resist the actions of this vicious tyrant to hold on for as long as is humanely possible. It can only be a matter of weeks, months at the most, before we put a framework in place to offer some kind of assistance, whatever that assistance may be..."

In Beeb we trust?

2011-03-12T12:37:00.008Z

The committee appointing Lord Patten to the post of BBC Trust Chairman is apparently "surprised" how little he knows about the Beeb's output.

Although Lord Patten, who is also Chancellor of Oxford University, has heard of Eastenders, it's not clear where the gaps lie in his knowledge. Here are some suggestions:-

- Homes Under The Hammer, Wreck Or Ready, Cash in the Attic, Bargain Hunt, Escape To The Country - dismal property or antique programmes currently showing every day of the week on BBC1

- To Buy Or Not To Buy, Flog It, Cash in the Celebrity Attic, Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is - dismal property or antique programmes currently showing every day of the week on BBC2

- Snog, Marry, Avoid, Hotter Than My Daughter - dismal "reality TV" programmes currently showing (almost) every day of the week on BBC3

Perhaps Lord Patten's ignorance is no bad thing...

Breast is best

2011-03-08T16:32:00.012Z

There was surprise last week when an ice cream parlour announced its latest offering - a breast milk variety. We asked the distinguished elder statesman, Lord Creamer, who spent many years working at the Milk Marketing Board, to write a few words on the subject.

"When the Mumsnet organisation originally offered me the post of "Honourary Child-Feeding Advisor", I have to admit I was somewhat taken aback. Despite the many happy years I spent at the Milk Marketing Board in the 70 and 80s, I felt somewhat under-qualified for this particular undertaking.

But the fine, upstanding ladies at Mumset assured me the post was, as the title suggested, purely an honorary one. Their "mothers' council" required a male member who might, in their words, "lend an air of impartiality to an otherwise partisan organisation". They had apparently looked very closely at a number of other male members - chaps who'd taken it upon themselves to apply for the post - but none of them were "up to scratch" and were of perhaps "dubious motive and repute." After some breast-beating and various consultations with my good wife I said I would be delighted to take up their offer.

"So it is in my capacity as Honourary Advisor that I would now like to comment on the issues surrounding the introduction of breast-milk ice-cream.

"I do feel breasts - or, at least, I have a sense that breasts - are a feature of female anatomy that lend themselves to one, at a stretch two, well-defined functions. I believe it is not necessary for me to elaborate here on the precise nature of those functions. Suffice it to say that they are largely for the benefit of man - and woman - kind. I might add that it also ill-behoves any man - or indeed any woman - to confuse those functions, especially if they do so at the same time.

"Now when I learnt that a certain organisation, through the Mumsnet web, was about to offer the public a new breast-milk based product, I have to say I was initially just a touch intrigued. I even considered putting in an order for a couple of tubs - being open to new ideas as I am.

"On reflection, however, I am not so sure. As someone who has dedicated his life to high standards in food production, I have always had to consider not just the processing but also the sourcing of any product under consideration. Now this is straightforward enough in the case of most dairy products. If it derives from the udders of the sheep or the cow then it is deemed generally acceptable. But if it comes from the humble Tibetan yak, say, then far greater scrutiny is required. For it is not immediately apparent that the Yak is a suitable source for this nation's dairy products.

"It is with this in mind that I have looked long and hard at female breasts. As a rich source of nourishment for the developing infant, breasts have indeed proven themselves eminently useful. But I do not believe we should look at breasts - common though they may be - as something to be taken for granted, that is to say, as merely a tool of this country's food production. That can never be right, surely?

"And on International Women's Day of all days, should we not be contemplating what society still has to offer the fairer sex - by way of, say, equal pay - than what the fairer sex has to offer society? From the dawn of time, women have been viewed as a vehicle - and an extremely useful vehicle, I might add - of reproduction. But are we now, in the Twenty First Century, to start viewing them additionally as the vehicle of production? No, I really hope not.

"And anyway, would it not indeed be so much simpler for this "milk parlour" to deliver a "breast-milk flavoured ice cream?" That is something, I am sure, most ordinary men and women - myself included - would think about buying."

Blessed are the bankers...

2011-03-05T21:31:00.021Z

Banks that are "too big to fail" have no place in a market economy. So says Bank of England governor Mervyn King. A "spokesperson" for the banking industry offers her "take".

"I have no personal interest in this debate - not directly, at least - but I speak on behalf of certain men and women the world over who are misunderstood, vilified, perhaps even abused. I speak for those who have no voice - precisely because they think and transact only in numbers. I speak for those once considered key to the economic wealth and well-being of this nation, but who now, through no fault of their own, have fallen on hard times. I refer, of course, to the bankers.

"Now, when I say "hard times", I speak not of such trifles as money in the bank, cars in the garage, number of houses spread round the globe. No, what concerns me far more is the thorny issue of reputation. For as we all know, in this, as in any other world, reputation means far more to ordinary men and women than any number of villas in Tuscany or Provence or the Caribbean, than any number of horses in the paddock, than any number of Porsches in the garage, or indeed any number of dollars in the various off-shore accounts. For reputation is that without which (according to certain philosophers) men cannot truly be men (unless they're so flush they don't give a damn). And is it not time we allowed bankers, once more, to take back their reputations?

"The Bank of England governor Mervyn King suggested today that the banking industry has not reformed since the bad old days of 2008. He claimed that structurally it is much the way it was when it "almost destroyed the entire fabric of Western society" (whatever he means by "fabric"). But nothing could be further from the truth.

"The banking industry has changed considerably in recent months, both structurally and otherwise. Banks have a wonderful new range of structured products on offer. No more "collateralised debt obligations" or CDOs as some jesters still refer to them. In their place we've introduced "collateralised vulture re-structure funds", "re-collateralised quantitative-easing obligations", "de-collateralised sub-prime re-purchase profits-only structured investment obligations", "multi-collateralised structured inflation no-loss winner-takes-all re-obligations", "quasi-collateralised de-structured off-shore multi-obligation obligations", and, most important of all, "re-balanced and un-reconstructed massive-bonus re-newal obligations".

"So please don't tell me the banking industry hasn't changed! Don't tell me it hasn't developed new structures. Take one look at the formidable range of structured products on offer and then, and only then, look me in the eye (when my eye has stopped shifting) and tell me banking hasn't changed nor re-structured!

"And finally, can I ask one last thing: What more do you want of us? The shirts from our backs? The bonuses from our bank accounts? The Porsches from our garages? Is ultimately what you want from us (or rather, from these bankers to whom I refer and simply represent) nothing less than those very reputations they have proudly held, and have indeed deserved to hold, through time immemorial?

"Is that what you really really want?"

A doctor a day keeps the Apple away

2011-03-03T17:36:00.008Z

Advertisement:

Every so often we give a leading tech company a free plug. We hope this'll encourage it to shove loads of advertising our way. Failing that it fills column inches. Today we look at the iFad2, released yesterday to universal acclaim by a man wearing jeans and a black turtle neck jumper.

"Hi. Do you ever get edgy as weeks go by without the release of a new piece of hardware? Do you crave the fanfare that accompanies the arrival of a new gizmo that's like the old gizmo but has a different feel and one or two added features you don't need? Do you wake every morning thinking life could be so much better if I could do what I did yesterday but I could do it faster and with enhanced functionality?

The solution's arrived -

- With iFad2, you get the same touch-screen interface and virtual on-screen keyboard but you get it in a box that's noticeably lighter, slimmer and way more sensual.

- With iFad2, you get two cameras - one front, one back - in case you want to film "a friend" masturbating while you yourself masturbate over hard-core erotica.

- With iFad2, you get more processing power and greater speed, so your life can descend faster into a maelstrom of frustrating texts and angry emails.

- With iFad2, you get a screen cover that auto-attaches in perfect alignment to the front, and folds to support the iFad2 while you type. Why spill the contents of your latte over your shiny new screen when you can spill it over your type-pad instead?

Come on guys! Don't torture yourself with yesterday's technology, when today's is just round the corner. If you crave a life that's going to keep you craving, be sure life keeps up with technology - not the other way round. And that's the key: In this day and age, who needs a life, when lifestyles are always changing? So, why settle for second best when you can have something that'll be second best in a few months time?

Weapons of mass extraction

2011-02-27T18:51:00.015Z

An academic gives us his "take" on the oil crisis currently facing the West

"I'm told certain people have started referring to oil as a weapon of mass destruction. Mischievous wags in the media - they know who they are and where we academics can find them - claim the Gulf oil spill of 2010 was a "crude" and wanton act of Eco-vandalism. These wags have the temerity to suggest the spill wreaked more havoc than any "chemical weapon" Colonel Gaddafi of Libya could have dreamed up.

"As a learned gentleman and one who knows something about these matters, we, or rather I, would like to set the record straight.

- Oil is NOT a weapon of mass destruction. What kind of person would consider it desirable to flood the Caribbean and all its pleasant little tax havens with the proceeds of "black gold"? What a terrible waste that would be!

- No Libyans were hurt at any time during the making of the BP oil spill

- Not one single off-shore bank account in the Caribbean - or anywhere else in the world for that matter - was under any threat whatsoever during the crisis

- The Bermuda Triangle has been responsible for more deaths and disappearances than the BP oil spill and Colonel Gaddafi's security forces put together (according to official figures knocked up by my undergraduate gophers on their Apple-Macs using internationally accepted algorithms).

I trust this sets the record straight

Professor Cant, Emeritus Professor of Lies, Damn Lies and Algorithms, The London School of Economics

Twilight of the Oligarchs (Act Three)

2011-02-24T20:17:00.007Z

We ask a Libyan oligarch to give his take on events currently unfolding in "his" country...

"My peoples, I speak to you as father of the nation. I speak to you as father, mother, supreme leader, as the only leader, as the judge, the jury and executioner of the nation.

"We see again how dirty Western imperialist, in league with Al Qaeda and mad dog Obama Bin Barrack, are fermenting troubles in small pocket of the East of our great country. We see how they sow seeds of unrest and unhappiness and are wanting to undermine everything that you, the people, and that I, your leader, love and cherish.

"The vile alien dogs, they are engaging in these cunning stratagems of theirs and they are deliberately and willfully intoxicating the young peoples, the ordinary citizens, with hallucinatory drugs. These drugs, that are known to make men crazy, they have given the ordinary people the delusion of grandeur and are making them think they all should be free and powerful like their great leader, like the dynasty-family of their great leader. These drugs make people heady and make them think they make decisions. They make them think they will know how the oil in this country of ours, how it must be produced. These drugs, they make them think they know how the money that come from that oil, how it must be distributed. These drugs, they make people think they own the oil - as if it did not come from the land itself. But the land itself, as we all know, only the land itself does own the oil and the people need great leader, who can talk to the land, and who can to tell the people how to distribute the oil. And if they do not do that, all that will happen is they use this oil money to buy more drugs from that dog Obama, which then make them more heady and more hallucinatory and then make the ordinary citizen think he can even own the sands of this country and then he will want to eat the sands and then, because of these hallucinatory drug, he will almost want to eat the camels one day, all the camels in Libya, even the brother sister's camels, and after that he will want to eat the tent in which he live and the tent in which I live too. And soon after that, all the camels in Libya and everywhere, they too will want to eat all the tents. And after that happen, President Osama, he will send his dogs into Libya. And he will have given them guns and hallucinatory drugs as well. Those dogs, they will then want to shoot the camels and eat them. And then the sands, they will swallow up the camels and the tents and the peoples. And all of Libya will disappear into nowhere. I ask you: What kind of hallucinations is that? Not my kind, peoples. Not my kind.

"So, as your leader, I ask you, the peoples to ignore these despicable Western capitalist Al Qaeda peddlers of drug hallucinations filth. I ask you to join me and to get heady with me and my hallucinations instead and with my grandeur instead. For these things are far better for the peoples of this nation who have known little else but my leadership and my fatherhood of this nation. I urge you to fight the Western Islamist capitalist semitic Trotskyites anarchist agitator-oppressors of our peoples. I ask you to fight, alongside the foreign mercenaries who support our peoples' will that is to shoot protesters and to support the democratic engine of our peoples. For we have created that democratic engine in our own likeness and we will fight to the last drop of blood to defend it.

"Finally, I ask you, my peoples, your peoples, the world's peoples, the everybody's peoples, to listen to these words of mine. For I am not just the judge, the jury and the executioner of this nations, but I hope, I might be, and God-willing, the caretaker, hereafter...

"For, everybody, he need a caretaker. Or maybe do I mean an undertaker? Probably both.

"Probably both... My peoples."

We're all royalty now.

2011-02-20T11:21:00.003Z

What's the world coming to when the Duchess of York is not invited to the Royal Wedding whilst those arrivistes the Beckhams are? We asked pop culture's No.1 power couple to give their "historical perspective" on such matters.

David: Well the way I look at it is, we all come from the same place in the end.

Victoria: Or in the beginning, Dave

David: Yeah, or in the beginning, love. We all come from the same place in the beginning. Cos' when all is said and done we was all common people once, including them royals and them aristos and all them people. We all had to start somewhere.

Victoria: Yeah, cos, like when you think about it all those geysers what came over with Norman the Conqueror, they weren't like royalty to start with. But cos' they had like a meritocracy in them days, just like they do now, they all had the chance to become respected members of the community, just like what we is now.

David: And also, some of them was probably footballers and singers in them days as well, I kid you not. And they was rewarded for being talented, and giving the people what they really wanted...

Victoria: Or what they really really wanted, Babe.

David: Yeah, nice one, love. What they really, really wanted. And that's why they got their posh houses in the country like we do now.

Victoria: And then they could afford to send their kids to private school, just like we do. And then they became even posher still. And then their grandchildren was like even more posher and soon became like royalty. Almost.

David: And that's the great thing about merita.. merry.... merocracy. It means that, you know, one day Jordan's grandkids will become royalty.

Victoria: And so will Simon Cowell's

David: And so will Kelly Osborne's

Victoria: And so will Peaches Geldof's.

David: Yeah, that's right, love.

Victoria: Damn right, Babes. Cos' we're all royalty now.

David: Yeah, love. We're all royalty now.

Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

2011-02-16T11:32:00.005Z

Brother bankers, faced with an unrelenting tide of criticism and abuse emanating from the capitalist media on an almost daily basis, I call upon you today to be resolute. I urge you not to waver, not to cower, but to stand firm and show solidarity with your brother bankers worldwide. For we have a strength that far outshines that of our enemies. And that is the strength of numbers.

Now when I say numbers, I do not mean how many of us there are. For we are of course an oligarchy and number relatively few in the grand scheme of things. Nor by numbers do I mean the size of the bonuses that we receive. Though these do indeed comprise many, many numbers - telephone book sized numbers by the sarcastic reckonings of certain wags in the media.

No, I mean the ability of us brothers to use numbers to our own advantage - to shape a new reality out of numbers, to forge a new numerical Jerusalem if you like. For we have shown that you can create what appears to be surplus value out of numbers. We have shown through our efforts we can create a bold and booming housing sector by making the value of those houses rise significantly year on year. We did this through the clever invention of those credit derivatives that we merrily traded to our hearts content some years back. We've also shown we can take the money that government printing presses have been turning out since 2009 and we can use that money to offer back to the government the debt we'd purchased previously. By this means we were able to charge commission not once but twice and made a handsome profit. And though no actual value was created, we nevertheless managed to create our very own kind of surplus value that we call "massive bonuses". And with those massive bonuses we paid our taxes, or not as the case may be. And remember, those taxes are what really matter to ordinary folk and to governments alike - assuming we actually pay them!

So fear not brothers. For we can make two plus two equal five, two billion plus two billion equal five billion. And, let me tell you, those numbers, however they appear, will always win over the trust and the faith of people. For we understand the very numbers that make up these numbers... whilst the people, whose money we control, do not!

And if indeed these naysayers in the capitalist media carry on with their gripes and their attacks upon our very person or persons, then we will take our numbers and head off to the lands of the orient to build an even newer numerical Jerusalem, and an even greater oligarchic collective to boot.

For over there in the orient they behold with even more wonderment the power and the value of numbers. Over there they understand the importance of brothers like ourselves who control the money supply using the armory of the numbers I've described. Okay, so they might not tolerate the coke-sniffing activities in which some of our number occasionally partake and they might imprison people for such activities. But that is a small price to pay, Brothers. For control of the money supply is the greatest drug of all!

And indeed, Brothers. Was it not Brother Nathan Rothschild himself who once said two centuries ago: "I care not what puppet is placed upon the throne of England to rule the Empire on which the sun never sets. The man who controls Britain's money supply controls the British Empire, and I control the British money supply."

Never a truer word were said brothers. And these days we have a far wider reach than the British Empire, or at least those countries that once made up said Empire. These days, thanks to the benefits of globalisation, we can extend our reach to all the Empires of this planet!

So brothers, stand firm, be true to yourselves (if not to anybody else), be resolute, show solidarity. And, Brothers, get yourself down to the local Porsche dealership and buy yourself a nice little run-around before the prices go up!

Coitus interruptus - News in brief

2011-02-15T12:46:00.000Z

A rose by any other name - Supporters of New Labour have suggested the move to drop the word "New" from the party website, stationery and, now finally, email addresses is nothing more than a cynical re-branding exercise. Said one commentator: "Just calling the party 'Labour' amounts to a cosmetic change. What does the word actually mean?"

Google alerts - Anybody who's anybody - and some who aren't - know how important it is to set up Google alerts for their own names. This allows them to track journalists and bloggers who might be bad-mouthing them on-line. Spare a thought then for the poor sods who monitor the Google alerts for the words "Google alert". There's always the danger that their endeavors might end up swamping them in an infinite regression. Er... Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert

BAFTAS! The Thing's Speech.

2011-02-13T22:39:00.007Z

The thing about the BAFTAS... really is... the speech

"I would like to say or rather we would like to say how honoured I or rather we are to be here tonight honouring you honouring us honouring you honouring us honouring you dressed as we are in these beautiful Valentino dresses or are they Armani tuxedos? no-one will tell us because we're supposed to be some kind of amusing double act each of us possessing our own unique sartorial styles even though those styles come in the shape of very expensive designer outfits so not really so unique when you think about it and we're trying to engage in this witty but rather inane banter just as ordinary men and women or even men and men do any given day of the week down the pub and despite the fact we've actually hated one another since we starred together in that dire romcom movie over a decade ago and you lot in the audience also probably hated it even though the punters - what mugs! - always said how much they adored it and adored us too. So we would firstly like to thank all those people we're supposed to thank on these occasions although we can't remember who they are but somebody gave us a list earlier and we lost it and reckon it's supposed to include our mothers and the directors and some other people but not necessarily in that order and who cares about order anyway because order's for anal retentives. But most of all we'd like to thank the very people who made it possible to be here tonight which partly means you the audience and all of the members of the BAFTA organisation who should be here anyway because it's their frigging job, but most of all, most of all we'd like to thank ourselves, yes ourselves, without whom we'd never think of coming here because these awards ceremonies are a load of self-congratulatory b/s and they'd be nothing without us and this'd be a total waste of our time were it not for the free plug, the publicity or what have you. And so that's actually the only reason we're standing here tonight in front of you and in front of millions of star-struck people worldwide who are watching this on their sad little television screens as we spew out this complete, total and utter mind-rotting drivel. God bless."

About that peace agreement...

2011-02-12T11:38:00.001Z

Of course, as the Egyptian people celebrate the fall of their brutal dictator after a (relatively) peaceful revolution, what they're really gagging for right now is an end to the thirty year peace agreement with Israel and the prospect of a costly and bloody Middle-East war.

And yet... that's the risk - according to those banging on about "stability" in the region...

It's worth noting that President Assad of Syria has successfully maintained the "stability" he inherited from his father. And he's also one of the biggest sponsors of Hezbollah in Lebanon. Ditto the undemocratic and relatively stable Iran. And the "stable" dictator Gaddafi is certainly no friend of Israel's.

So should we really be asking ourselves: With stability like that, who needs instability?

EXCLUSIVE! Leaked Mubarak tapes!

2011-02-11T12:39:00.001Z

The President of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak has been recorded singing to himself whilst holed up at the Red Sea resort of Sharm El Sheikh. But for whom is this swan-song of his intended? The Egyptian people? Western - or Arab - allies? Or could it simply be that he is singing... to himself?

You decide:-

"Please release me let me go
for I don’t love you anymore
To waste our lives would be a sin
Release me and let me love again

I have found a new love dear
And I will always want her near
her lips are warm while yours are cold
Release me my darling let me go

for I don’t love you anymore
So release me and let me love again

Please release me can’t you see
you’d be A fool to cling to me
To live a lie would bring us pain
So release me and let me love again."

Charity begins off-shore

2011-02-08T17:13:00.003Z

An indignant banker responds to government plans to increase the bank levy:-

"I would like to emphasise how indignant we bankers all are at the Chancellor's shock announcement today. We bankers have had a tough old time in recent years. First, we saw the near collapse of our cherished banking system. This was closely followed by our vilification in the press - known as banker bashing - where it was suggested that we were in some way responsible for the near catastrophe facing Western economies back in 2008. Then came the negative mutterings in Westminster about our hard earned bonuses. And now a threat to tax those very bonuses until the proverbial pips squeak!

"It's all too, too much. Frankly it makes us wonder why we go to work every day, slogging our not insignificant guts out, simply so that we can provide you ungrateful bunch with oodles of lovely credit - without which, let's face it, you would quite plainly be buggered. Isn't it time we ended all this recrimination? Is not the time for forgiveness long overdue? There are many within our noble and august community who are starting to find this banker bashing all a bit rich. Some of us are even, I have to say, rather upset.

"Well, let me tell you something: If you people with your feeble little mortgages, with your suburban executive homes, with your boring little Vauxhall motor cars, don't stop banging on about our bonuses, you know what we'll do? We'll take our bonuses off-shore, that's what we'll do. Then you can see where all that pathetic wingeing of yours gets you!

"Oh, I hear you say: Off-shore? You can't take your bonuses off-shore, any more than we can take our dismal little pay packets off-shore. Well think again, buddy boo! Because I happen to know a very good lawyer at a firm called Lolly, Bolly and Yachts who says that's exactly what we can do. And shall I tell you how we'll do it? Here's how:-

"First of all, my bank pays my bonus into an off-shore trust. Then it draws up for me an interest free loan against which I can use my bonus as collateral. When the time comes to pay back that loan it simply uses the money in my trust. No tax paid. Got that? NO TAX PAID!!! I bet you're already starting to laugh on the other side of your envious little faces! Am I right?

"So please, please please stop beating up on us. Please stop all this insane talk about squeezing our not insignificant bonuses. You simply don't realise that we know more about taxes than you'll ever do. You don't get the fact that we understand more about the applications of off-shore vehicles than you ever can. Let's face it, the closest you'll ever get to "off-shore" is when you purchase some grotty little package deal to the Caribbean courtesy of El Dodgy Holidays!

"So, now, indeed is the time for forgiveness. Now is the time to show some Christian charity. For was it not Jesus himself who told us all to turn the other cheek? So maybe you lot should all take Jesus to your hearts... and turn the other cheek.

"I hope I've made myself clear. Thank you.

LOCAL COUNCIL NOTICE: Library closures

2011-02-05T22:06:00.006Z

"Due to central government's negative policy of reducing funding for the provision of public services from local councils in Britain, it is with much regret and sorrow that we have to state we have no option but to proceed with cuts to certain non-essential, and, in addition, some less-than-essential, services. To this effect it has been and will be necessary from now on to offer a less thorough and comprehensive library lending service to the men, women and children within this community, notwithstanding the variable hardships that this might or might not bring about.

"But we would say this: We will stand shoulder to shoulder with the people of the local community whomsoever quite properly wish to exercise their right to protest about the completely heinous and uncaring nature of said cuts. We have undertaken to ensure that our local council members and services will be on hand at all of the protests that are taking place across the county today. They will be more than ready to dispense essential aid and succour to protesters who through no fault of their own are suffering from the tough decisions that the local council has sadly been obliged, by central government, to make.

"To this end, at all of the protests we will undertake to guarantee that the following officials and the following facilities will be available for all and sundry who should have recourse to have need of them:-

There will be:-

- Eco-friendly, ethnically-focused and multi-gender crèche facilities

- Pregnant teenage-mothers literacy officers (to assist educationally-disadvantaged pregnant teenage mothers with their understanding of what constitutes a library).

- Environmentally friendly nappy officers, who will fulfil the requirements of men and women preferring to recycle post-natal lavatorial products on site.

- Vegan-friendly and vegetarian-friendly welfare co-ordinators

- Gender-defined rest and recuperation zones

- Libraries' environment and climate scrutiny leaders (for the benefit of those wishing to enter any of the libraries in question).

- Psychiatric advisory services for anyone trying to come to terms with the impending cuts to local library services

And last but not least:-

- Holistic literacy-targeted comic-book environment co-ordinators who will teach anyone, who might be interested in such matters, as to how they can avoid judging a book by its covers or, indeed, judging a local council by the title of the employees that it pays with your hard earned cash.

All of the excellent services listed above will be provided and paid for - at this major protest event - courtesy of your generous, caring local council - We're always, yes always, on the side of local people!

Hosni and Naomi

2011-02-03T17:14:00.004Z

She broke new ground when she interviewed Hugo Chavez and, more recently, Vladimir Putin. Clearly, she's not just a pretty face. So, ain't it time the genius, the supermodel, the supermodel-genius Naomi Campbell took on Hosni Mukarak?

Naomi: Hello, Mr. President. Can I simply say how fit you're looking today? You really are a sexy beast, aren't you?

Hosni: Thank you, dear lady. You are not lacking in the fitness department yourself.

Naomi: Oh, thank you, El Presidente, if you don't mind me calling you that.

Hosni: Call me what you like, sweetlips. It is all the same to me.

Naomi: Now, I been told by the editor guys at GQ Mag to like probe, to ask you kinda deep and meaningful questions. Like, more political questions, whatever they are. Is that okay by you?

Hosni: Ask away, cutesy pie. I'm all ears.

Naomi: Unlike your political opponents, right Pres?

Hosni: I beg pardon?

Naomi: I mean, you're all ears, unlike your political opponents.

Hosni: Oh, I see. That is right, my political opponents have no ears on account of the fact my guards cut them off.

Naomi: I guess that's, like, some kind of fashion statement, right Pres? Ears are sooo last season.

Hosni: Too right, my saucy little fashion icon.

Naomi: So anyway, Hosni, dude. Here's where I'm getting serious: Can I ask you what it's like being El Presidente of Egypt?

Hosni: Well, as you probably know my dear, right now I have a little local difficulty occurring on the streets of my country.

Naomi: Oh, no, Hos. I didn't know that. Sorry to hear it. Like, what's up?

Hosni: Oh, just popular uprising. Pitched battles in Liberty Square. Hundreds dead. Thousands injured, and all these nasty people telling me I shouldn't be President any more.

Naomi: Oh gee, that's real tough, Hosni dude. Like, is that a typical day in the life of a President of Egypt?

Hosni: No, not really. Normally, typical day is that I torture and kill my opponents. Or, at least that is what my secretive police do.

Naomi: Wow, Hos. I bet that makes them sit up and listen!

Hosni: No, in actual fact, it make them lie down and die!

Naomi: Sharp reply, Hosni, my man. You do have a way with words.

Hosni: Thank you. And I also have a way with the ladies.

Naomi: Not wrong there and that ain't surprising. You're a fit and horny fella. And I'll tell you something I just love about you men in power.

Hosni: Yes, dearest? What is that?

Naomi: It's your uniform.

Hosni: Really?

Naomi: Really. Let me say something, Hosni, my man. You men in your uniforms will never go out of fashion. You'll always look good, so long as you're wearing your uniforms.

Hosni: I am glad to hear that.

Naomi: In fact I'd go so far as to say that uniform is always, always, always in fashion. And you know why?

Hosni: No. Why?

Naomi: Cos it's the one thing people, men and women, all kinds of dudes, always wear. In any season. It don't matter what's happenin' on the runways of Paris or Milano. One thing all men, women and children know is that a policeman's uniform can never, no never ever be thought of as... sooo last season!

Hosni: That is very good for me to hear, my dear. But I just wish you could tell that to the peoples of Egypt.

Twilight of the Oligarchs (Act Two)

2011-01-30T21:44:00.009Z

A celebrity oligarch has his say:-

"You, you the people, you the peoples, you accuse me of simply re-arranging deck chairs on Titanic. But what more do you want? What more have you ever want? Good government is all about understanding peoples and their needs for change. And what, I ask you, is more important than the changing of the deck chairs when the ship, it is sinking? For, the ship, if it is inevitable it will sink, then at least it will sink with dignity, with all the deck chairs nicely arranged and in good order and looking really pretty and with the violins playing nice Mozart music all the while. Yes?

"You peoples, you must accept and respect that I always have your interests at heart. I give you bread, I give you circuses. I give you television. I let you have computer games, Apples Mac, IPods, cars, washing machines - all of the latest accoutrement of a civil society. I allow you all the use of the internet (although, I accept, I don't do that so much of late). I let the television channels to broadcast reality TV - and what better example of reality, of real human life is there than reality TV? You learn the real experience of life, like it is for the ordinary people. And then you know that there is more to life than morality, than these ideals and all this Western bullshit about freedom and democracies. And what is so important about self-actualisations anyhows?

"So, I ask you to go back to your homes and switch on your television set and watch the latest edition of "Little Brothers, You're Fired". Much better, I say, to watch someone else be fired than to get fired up yourself. I should know. Cos that will only cause you stress and discontent - which none of us want after all, least of all me. I repeat, go back to your IPods and your Facebooks and do decent, proper, healthy things with them, like tell your friends who you got pissed with last night and who you have sex with and what undies you like your woman to wear. (Excuse me for exercising my right to be a raunchy, hot-blooded, testosterone male, oh peoples. For I am simply a man, like all of you are, I am sure!)

"And then we can all be happy and we can be living together in perfect harmonies, and we can realise that there is more to life than freedoms and democracy. There is much, much more, so much more - such as having the right to vote crappy fake person off the latest edition of that marvelous Simon Cowell programme: "I'm celebrity oligarch - get me the hell outta here!"

Sex, drugs, and hack and roll

2011-01-27T15:06:00.008Z

How will future generations regard the recent phone hacking allegations? Will writers, even poets craft a perspective on this free-for-all that rises above the daily revelations regarding who hacked whom? It's possible. Some fiction writers suggest historical events are often best viewed through the prism of literary narrative... or, at least, words to that effect.

Here are just two examples of how these "men of letters" might one day frame what's going on:-

1. Nursery Rhymes

Hack and Bill went up the hill
To fetch some boiling water
Hack fell down and spooked the Crown
Old Bill came tumbling after

2. Biblical Scriptures - Taken from the Book of Interceptiones, Chapter 101, Verse 10

And John did hack Pete and Pete did hack Glenn and Glenn did hack Jack and Jack did hack Charles and Charles did hack Gordon and Gordon did hack Norman and Norman did hack Rebekah and Rebekah did hack Brian and Brian did hack Alan and Alan did hack Rupert and Rupert did hack Dan and Dan did hack Sienna and Sienna did hack Judah and Judah did hack Steve and Steve did hack Max and Max did sue the hackers and everyone associated with the hacking thereof... And it came to pass that anybody who was anybody did hack their foes, and all kinds of shady beings were at it all the time, this hacking, nay, except the common man who did simply read what the hacks did write in their solemn pamphlets and beheld them in wonderment.

And the Lord said unto the leading hackers. "Thou art hacking bastards. For I have it on good authority that thou has hacked even myself. What kind of dirty little hackers art thou?

And the hackers did look sheepish and they wailed and did beat their breasts and replied: "Forgive us, Oh Lord, for we know not what we do. We did honestly believe that what is sauce for the spook is sauce for the hacker."

And the Lord showed pity on them and duly sent them all to Hell where they did indeed belong.

And verily, there, in Hell, did they all hack happily ever after

There endeth the lesson

For now, at least.

Quick and easy guide to violation

2011-01-24T12:23:00.002Z

Have you been hacked or are you hacked off? Do you have the impression you've been violated or your privacy has been invaded in some way, but you simply cannot tell for sure? Well, if so, here is a simple guide to finding out whether you have been violated or not.

You HAVE NOT been violated if:

- You're an ordinary member of the public
- You are part of a protest group, whether a domestic extremist or simply a tree-hugging hippie
- You have accidentally slept with an undercover police officer
- You have insufficient funds to sue anyone

You HAVE been violated if:

- You're a member of parliament, a minister, or a former prime minister
- A celebrity, wealthy member of the business community, or prominent publicist
- Have accidentally slept with a domestic extremist
- Have sufficient funds to sue whoever you want

Leveraging and facilitating the collaborative envelope

2011-01-17T17:33:00.006Z

We asked a local authority boss to comment on the current round of public sector reforms and the need to deliver less targets and more solutions-focused efficiencies during this time of austerity.

"Please don't talk to me about solutions-focused efficiencies. I've had it up to here with solutions-focused efficiencies. I've spent half my working life in a successful target-based thinking arena that is dedicated to managing core competencies and rolling out goals-driven solutions to the end-user. And the last thing we need right now is solutions-focused efficiences.

"During my past ten years, in particular, as head of a human-capital rich strategic solutions department, I have been at the cutting edge of local authority, people-centred planning and services provision. Our initiative-based policy development unit has offered countless clients (i.e.end-users) the kind of robust ideas-endowed resources they demand and, in my opinion, are right to expect from a leading public-sector provider. And these resources, I have to add are the envy of public-sector strategic resourcing departments the world over.

"During my time, we have managed, through a process of interdepartmental and multiplicative collaboration both to enhance and progress a range of strategy-critical services that have, quite literally, pushed the envelope when it comes to public sector functionality. In education, we were first when it came to the new code of learning-centred and interdisciplinary competencies advancement - no small feat, even despite the human capital and the generous employment facilitation that the government of the day allowed us. In public sector health provision, through a series of holistic engagement initiatives, we redrew and reinvented the entire patient-focused experience. And in policing and public order resourcing, we have rolled out a range of cutting edge strategies, that have enhanced the surveillance capabilities upon those citizens and residents of our borough who are deemed to fall outside the envelope of what is considered acceptable in this day and age. Those of you who do not actively engage with our detailed refuse collection policies beware!

"So I have to object when I listen to the Prime Minister criticising the targets-based culture that has operated so effectively over recent years. Where would we be without targets? Where would we be without resource-efficient predictors of results-focused orientation? Where would we be if we did not grade any current or given situation against future aspirations within a defined timescale? Where would we be without verifiably holistic engagement initiatives?

"Up shit creek! That's where we'd be! Up shit creek!

"So I will say simply this to the Prime Minister: Mind your language, Prime Minister. Or else you are quite realistically in danger of throwing the baby out with the bath water. Which in strategic terms would be a rod/back interface situation."

"Do you see where I'm coming from?"

Love me love my bonus

2011-01-11T10:40:00.004Z

Hello, my name is Robert and I am the CEO of the Royal Bank of Short and Curlies (RBSC). I have come here today to explain to you how bonuses work - for those of you who don't already know!

What happens is that you deposit your hard earned cash in something known as a bank account. We take your money and then invest it - and keep on investing it - until it's all gone. We do this by creating innovative investment vehicles called credit derivatives, that make you think that we are investing your money wisely. But these vehicles are so scientifically advanced that they generate what scientists call "black holes". These black holes make your money disappear without a trace. Clever, eh?

What we do next is even smarter. We now appeal to your "taxpayer instincts" and tell you that if you ever want to see your money again, then you better bail us out. You, being the wise and generous fellows that you are comply with our demands, handing over good money after bad. We then invest this new bailout money by placing it in what we call "bonus pools" which allow us to pay ourselves large bonuses.

It is therefore sad, I have to say, to discover that some of you taxpayers are unhappy with this arrangement. We have to make it clear that if you hinder us from paying ourselves these large bonuses, we will move to Shanghai. Then you'll never ever see your money again. This is what's called being Shanghaied. And it only occurs because we have you by the proverbial short and curlies.

Look at it this way: Imagine you allowed your entire food supply, your medical supplies, your right to breathe oxygen, your right to have sex, controlled by one group of very well paid people. Now imagine those people went bankrupt and told you that if you didn't pay them lots of money, they would move to Shanghai and you could whistle for your food, your medicine, your oxygen and your sex. What would you do? Damn right! You would hand over the moolah pretty pronto. Am I right or am I right?

Well, that's what happens when you allow your money supply to be controlled by a small group of very well paid people. If you don't keep paying that fine group of men and women large amounts of money - or bonuses - you can say bye bye to your money supply. (That rhymes - I must be a poet!)

So please, please, please stop complaining about these bonuses of ours. You know it won't get you anywhere. You have to pay up. You have no choice. Do you really want us to go elsewhere and inflict our lovely credit derivatives on the other nations and the other peoples of this world? No! Of course you don't. It would be sheer madness to want that.

So, in the words of our great hero, our guru, our spiritual leader, one Delboy Trotter - he of "Only Fools and Horses" fame - "You know it makes sense."

Or else, remember the words of my great poem...

"You're gonna kiss bye bye
To your money supply.
Just say bye bye
To that money supply!"

The End of the Beginning of History

2011-01-04T12:46:00.005Z

Distinguished academic, Professor Fukyu-karma responds to criticism that, in 2011, his thesis "The End of History" looks more than ever like it was essentially a pipe dream:-

"Okay, guys. I know what you're going to say. The End of History repeated itself, first as tragedy after 911, then as farce after the economic meltdown of 2008.

"You'll say I didn't take into account the power of ethnic loyalties and religious fundamentalism as a counter-force to the spread of liberal democracy. That's the tragedy, right? You'll say I didn't foresee that the economic meltdown of 2008 would leave neo-liberal democracies weak in the face of the nascent economic and political powers of China and Russia that prefer more authoritarian approach to capitalism. That's the farce, right?

"But I say that lots of people never really understand my thesis in the first place. And some of those who did "understand" - but now reject it - weren't real neo-cons anyway. They were crypto-cons, pseudo-cons, also-cons and also-rans. They just were pretending that they like my theory for their own particular ends, but they never really take it on board. They just thought it useful at the time because it help them get things they want, like power, like global influence, like money. And how neo-liberal is that? Right, guys?

"But none of that was what I was talking about at the time. I was talking about the end of history being in the making - not that the end of history was actually ended as in over. I was saying it was an end more as in the end game. And remember folks: The end of history, like Rome, wasn't built in a day! You can believe it!!!

"And whilst I accept that Iran isn't going to embrace neo-liberalism any time soon, and whilst I accept that Iraq and Afghanistan will end up as theocracies and whilst I accept that South and Central American people (like Chavez, like the Zapatistas etc) have yet to take neo-liberalism totally to their bosoms, and whilst I accept that Pakistan and Saudi Arabia aren't exactly showing a keenness for it either right now, and whilst I accept that Russia and China have a tendency to lock up opponents of the government and exercise a rather authoritarian form of capitalism... apart from all that... was it not indeed great, when at the Beijing Olympics, President Hu Jintao talked about democracy? He actually mentioned it. Democracy! Okay, he hasn't mentioned it again since. But it's a start, isn't it? Surely, it is a clear sign that "the times they are a changin'." Isn't it?

"So now I conclude by stating the following: This might not be "the end of history" as some suggested; this indeed might not be the beginning of the end of history... But, well... at least it could be the end of the beginning of history.

"Or something.

"Right guys? Help me out here!"

Total Recall

2010-12-25T00:08:00.006Z

Peace on earth, goodwill to men...

... especially...

- The bankers who, having shattered Western economies, graciously accepted taxpayer largesse, then threatened to abandon these shores were they to be deprived their seasonal bonuses.

- The tax avoiders, who took their billions off-shore, but who were still deemed indispensable to the nation.

- The pharmaceutical philanthropists who, a year ago, generously offered us Tamiflu at the knockdown price of £2 Billion. How comforting it has been to us all this Christmas.

- The politicians, who, in recent years proved you can give something back to society whilst lining your pockets.

- The Local Authorities and the public sector workers who used council tax revenues to snoop on the very citizens that had provided those revenues... Where would we be without the bin-snoops, the poop squad etc? RIP, eh?

- The celebs who allowed us to put all our troubles away. Who needs democracy, when you can vote contestants off Strictly Come Dancing or the X-Factor at the touch of a (telephone) button?

- The media that demonstrated you can be a lover of leaks and a hater of leaks at the same time. All that counts is whether you love... or you hate... the leaker.

- Avatar - the movie full of weird blue faced people that suggested we are all, at heart, avatars. All we need to know now, is, who's providing the animation?

- The Pope who visited Britain in Autumn 2010 and reminded us that Christ cast the moneylenders out of the temple. That was the Pope's message, wasn't it, surely? That's why he came here... Right?

THE TOP TEN OF 2010!

2010-12-19T08:15:00.001Z

1) Leak! Cameron-Clegg Pact!

2) General Election - "We love you!"

3) Where's the money gone?

4) Fallen Guardian

5) Trouble at Milburn

6) Information Super Highway Men

7) Election Debate - The Director's Cut

8) Prime Minister Brown says: “I told you so.”

9) Waterstoned

10) Quantitative Sleazing

Advertisement: Chicileaks

2010-12-13T11:09:00.009Z

Are you tired of this "paranoid chic" everyone's talking about? When you get up, do you really want to read what some obscure diplomat said to a State Department official ten years ago? Don't you deserve something better, something cheerier, something that's more fun as you tuck into your morning - or your evening -cornflakes? Isn't it time media started focusing on the things you really care about - things like reality TV, for example?

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Find out: -

- The erotic thoughts passing through Ann Widdecombe's head as she flails around on Strictly Come Dancing.

- What Simon Cowell really thinks about quantitative easing

- Does Jedward really have only one brain between them?

- Is Cheryl Cole as thick as she sounds, or does she have an interest in astrophysics as she claims?

- Will Julian Assange appear on the next series of I'm a Celebrity?

- Is Gillian McKeith tired of examining poo?

- When Lord Sugar tells contestants on The Apprentice, "You're Fired" is he actually thinking: "Who'd want to work for me anyway?"

- Is Britain's decline fueled by the "squeezed" charm of the bourgeoisie

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Chicileaks - where moronic chic is the order of the day!

More student protests

2010-12-09T11:08:00.000Z

"What do we want?"

"NO tuition fees."

"When don't we want them?"

"NOW!"

"When'll we protest?"

"NOW!"

"When won't we protest?"

"Over the past twelve years since tuition fees were introduced!"

Asterix regained

2010-12-07T11:54:00.006Z

First, James Naughtie mentioned the word. An hour later, Start the Week's Andrew Marr uttered it as the panel discussed Proust and Freud. Soon all hell broke loose and the BBC was forced to apologise for its inappropriate use of language.

This website subsequently reported these "spoonerisms" but later drew criticism because it failed to use any asterisks. Apparently it is normal practice when using the c-word to substitute an asterisk for one, possibly two of the letters.

From now on we will do our best to moderate the use of the c-word - and other profanities, for that matter - through the rigorous application of one or more asterisks. We will do so even when quoting the BBC, which these days tends to favour the c-word in all its glory.

There will be no "cunt*" on this website.

Many a slip between cunt and lip

2010-12-06T15:08:00.004Z

The BBC was accused of sexism today when Scottish presenter, James Naughtie called a government minister a cunt. The error occured on the flagship programme this morning as the veteran presenter interviewed "cunture secretary", Jeremy Hunt. He made frequent use of the four letter word, although he later denied this betrayed any political allegiances

The BBC apologised this afternoon saying: "Whilst we totally endorse the use of the word cunt on the Today programme, as it frequently appears in the OED, we readily accept that it's use on this occasion was unacceptable, as it could be deemed to have sexist overtones. We will of course ensure that from now on male government ministers are referred to as cocks."

Plumber saves Western economies

2010-12-06T12:01:00.001Z

Whilst some may remember a massive credit bubble that ultimately tipped Western economies into a collapse of unparalleled proportions, others will recall a Prime Minister who saved the world at the height of the crisis when he persuaded world leaders at the G20 summit in Pittsburgh to join a rescue mission.

Following on from that success, that same Prime Minister will this week see the release of his book entitled "Beyond the Crash: Overcoming the First Crisis of Globalisation".

Some of course will doubt he's qualified to offer such advice in light of the economic climate he allowed to develop during the "Noughties". And others, again, will point to the fact that he led the way out of this crisis through his resolute actions at the summit.

We asked a plumber to give his take on what actually happened:-

"Well, way I see, guv'nor, is it's like this: You call in a plumber to sort out the pipes and the boiler on your central heating system. Right? And this bloke ends up bursting the pipes, flooding your entire house, and almost recking all your possessions. Know what I mean?

"Then he turns round like and says to you - 'well at least I found the stopcock and managed to turn the water off, didn't I guv'nor? So in that respect, I stepped in just at the right time to stop even greater carnage."

"Then, just before he leaves, the geyser what owns the home asks: 'So, what's the damage?' And the plumber turns round and replies: 'Oh, that'll be one trillion quid please... and preferably in cash if you got it. Know what I mean, guv'nor?'

Advertisement: PickiLeaks

2010-12-01T17:56:00.003Z

Are you tired of "information in the public domain" that's quite frankly yesterday's news? Do you feel let down just knowing those darned leaks are, when all is said and done, available to everybody - your bank manager, grandmother, broker, your local shop-keeper? Do you feel pissed off when you realise what you're reading happened an eternity ago, when the people making the decisions already made those decisions and have now moved on?

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Back to school

2010-11-30T12:15:00.002Z

Moves are underway to teach students the basic meaning of contract. Understandable disquiet at the rise in tuition fees has of late been cast as an example of broken promises by the LibsDems. Whilst the party did indeed oppose a rise in tuition fees before the election, this was based on an understanding that it could or would be the sole party of government. Since the LibDems did not become the sole party of government - and students supporting them did not expect them to be either - then their current support for the rise in tuition fees does not constitute a broken promise.

Or, put in the simple language so beloved by academics and Sir Humphreys alike: Opposition to a rise in tuition fees was predicated upon the eventuality of the LibDems becoming the sole party of government. The subsequent formation of a coalition with the Conservatives superseded the guarantees extended prior to the election. etc etc

(More on this as it breaks...)

Taking a leak

2010-11-29T14:07:00.009Z

Information is power. How often have we heard that? If it's true, then leaks are power diluted. But whose power, and whose information are we talking about here? When is it acceptable for information to enter the public domain, and when not? Is it, frankly, all about perception?

Today, we ask a taxing but, some might say, pertinent question: When is a leak not a leak? Or rather, when is your information my information, my information your information?

Here are one or two examples that'll help guide us through this informational conundrum...

Discretion - "Not in front of the children." Timeless! This occurs when couples discuss who they're shagging on the side. It could be a case of: "I only slept with Doris when I discovered you were screwing your personal trainer, darling." It makes sense to keep these discussions out of earshot of interested parties - if only because they won't stay interested for long, and might start testing the waters themselves.

Marketing - Never tick the box that says: "Yes I'd like my personal information to be distributed to affiliate companies." It'll simply encourage those companies to contact you by phone, Internet or junk mail.

Social Networking - Yep. It's not a good idea to sign up to websites that record personal data (though, hundreds of millions of gullible fools do precisely that). We know this data might be turned to all kinds of unscrupulous ends, like, contacting you by phone, Internet or junk mail. This data might also be passed on to "government agencies" that'll use them for their own, clearly, benign purposes.

Kiss and Tell - When is it okay for information to be out in the public domain, courtesy of someone who slept with someone famous? When, of course, it relates to a celeb, a pop star, footballer, or even, God forbid, a politician! Information like this, concerning public figures - or public bodies for that matter! - has to be revealed, if only to counter the twisted, manipulative garbage that PRs put out about their clients' own perfect, charitable and pristine lives (Malaria, racketeering etc. notwithstanding).

Information designed to mislead and manipulate (cf. kiss and tell, above) - Examples? A politician claims to be giving something back to society, when he's actually taking backhanders. Or a starlet presents a semblance of purity and chastity, when in fact she's shagging her crack dealer. However this kind of misinformation hardly ever occurs in reality because, as we know, ALL public figures are beautiful, benign, sublime, radically gorgeous individuals who only achieve success through hard work, good deeds, clean living and a heartfelt desire to help others (shallowness, vulgarity, ruthlessness, tax avoidance, suspect expenses claims, serious drugs and alcohol misuse notwithstanding).

Databases - Government of the people by the people for the people should never lose sight of the need to control the information of the people by the government for the government. What's the point of government otherwise?

Taking the piss - This occurs when those not authorised to control certain types of information leak that information to those not authorised to be a party to it (i.e. the people). We all know the saying, don't we boys and girls? "Those who can, do. Those who can't... leak?"

Don't we?

Where's the money gone (part two)?

2010-11-26T17:53:00.001Z

(Today, another wealthy and, arguably, cautious investor offers his take on "the squeezed middle")

"Where's your money gone, where's your money gone?
Where's the taxes gone, where's your money gone?

far far off-shore!

where's your bailout gone, where's your bailout gone?
Where's the payout done, where's your bailout gone?

far far off-shore!
far far off-shore!

Last night I heard my mama singing this song
boooooogie, Chirpy Chirpy Cheap Cheap
woke up this morning and my money was gone
boooooogie, Chirpy Chirpy Cheap Steal

Where's your money gone? Where's your money gone?
Where's the payout done, great big payout done,
Where's your money gone? Where's your money gone?

far far off-shore!
far far off-shore!"

Where's the money gone?

2010-11-23T19:57:00.002Z

(A wealthy investor offers in-depth analysis of the crisis facing the Eurozone)

"The Eurozone's connected to the bail-out loan,
The bail-out loan's connected to the debt grown,
The debt grown's connected to the cash flown,
The cash flown's connected to the bubble blown,
The bubble blown's connected to the home loan,
The home loan's connected to the credit sewn,
The credit sewn's connected to the bank clone,
The bank clone's connected to the greed tone,
Oh, hear the word of the Lord!

Dem loans, dem loans gonna walk aroun'
Dem loans, dem loans, gonna walk aroun'
Dem loans, dem loans, gonna walk aroun'
Oh, hear the word of the Lord."

Monarchy accused of "classing-down"

2010-11-21T15:28:00.004Z

First, Charles married above his station when he hooked up with a member of the "real aristocracy" back in the eighties. Now young William, second in line to the thrown, has been accused of "classing-down" after announcing his engagement to a builder's daughter. And in line with this change in royal circumstances, some commentators think the family, known as The Firm, is about to re-write the etiquette book by issuing a new set of guidelines more in touch with modern Britain. If indeed this story is true, here's what we reckon new guide to social protocol will look like:-

From now on it will be acceptable to:-

- Carry on a conversation with Her Majesty whilst tucking into a KFC Bargain Bucket.

- Lick the plate clean after a particularly tasty full English breakfast

- Belch loudly after a meal, wipe your hands on the tablecloth, then shout "lovely jubbly."

- Use a fish knife to cut your bread roll in half

- Break wind in the company of Her Majesty, say "pardon" then fall about laughing hysterically

- Ask senior royals what they thought of Katie Price's latest book, then wax lyrical about her "gi-normous funbags".

- Ask Her Majesty which perfume she's wearing, then follow this up with "Is it Victoria Beckham by any chance?"

- Keep tomatoes in the Royal fridges

- Chop asparagus into little pieces with a knife and fork, then shovel it into your gob with a large spoon

- Decline an offer to ride with the hounds because it means you'll miss "Snog, Marry, Avoid" on BBC3

- Refer to the wedding arrangements as "cushty".

- Ask her Majesty whether she saw the Millwall / QPR match the other day and refer to Millwall's defence as being a f***ing disgrace.

- Bring a packet of cocktail sausages to a royal picnic and say "get your choppers around that, love".

- At royal table, bemoan the fact that "her indoors" is shagging the aerobics instructor

- At Christmas time, give Her Majesty a pair of furry dice for her "new motor".

One thing however will remain strictly unacceptable, or so it seems:-

- Use of the royal "we", when discussing matters lavatorial. For example: "We have just been to the royal toilet and dumped a load. We tried flushing it down three times but the bastard still won't disappear." Alternatively: "One should steer clear of toilet for at least fifteen minutes, Your Majesty. We believe that's how long it'll take for the stench to clear. It's pretty ugly in there, we can tell you." Or alternatively: "Pardon us for taking so long in the toilet, Your Majesty. We think we're suffering the after effects of last night's vindaloo, if you catch our drift."

(The writer is the editor of a famous etiquette book)

The Irish Play (Acts Two, Three and Four Recurring.)

2010-11-18T19:23:00.008Z

"Hello. I'm an esteemed professor of economics and no "wall-flower" when it comes to offering the UK Gov. advice. Yesterday I published an article in the Guardian Newspaper suggesting inflation is good for us - meaning, it's good for the UK economy. It's my belief that in these troubled times, when talk is of austerity, of cutting housing benefit, of controlling inflation etc etc, we should be doing the opposite. We should actually be encouraging prices - that is, property prices and rental prices - to rise. We shouldn't be tightening our belts. No! We should be encouraging growth, encouraging expansion... even if that means, encouraging inflation.

"That argument, my argument, was made quite persuasively, I believe. And many commended the points I made. But now, I would like to offer the same advice to the European Union. Because surely the same arguments apply to it as the UK government - or US government for that matter. Here we go:-

"The news from the Irish Republic, indeed the news from Europe, is looking increasingly gloomy. House prices have nosedived and the banks are saddled with crippling debt. The Irish government has, until now, resisted pressure from the European Union for a multibillion-euro bailout. Prospects for an emergency package of help - part bankrolled by Britain - are moving ever closer, and negotiations between finance ministers from the 16-nation eurozone are tense.

"But here's what we should do: Let the ECB printing presses roll! Let the quantitative wheeze generate some quantitative ease! Instead of bailing out Ireland, why not let the ECB step in and buy those mortgage backed securities and those loans the Irish, or, for that matter, the Portuguese, the Spanish, the Greek banks took onto their balance sheets in those heady days we called the Roaring Noughties?

"Isn't about time the ECB set up a bank to purchase the mortgages of the "zombie households", those mortgage defaulters, that run the length and breadth of the European Union? Isn't it time the ECB let inflation run wild? 10% should do it for now. That way the eurozone could inflate its debt away and avoid a lot of this austerity nonsense everyone's talking about. Euro-quantitative easing would add stimulus to the Euro economy - which would be positive for house prices - and those mortgages wouldn't be quite the "zombies" we originally thought they were. Then everybody would be happy. And more important, no bailout would be necessary."

"You know, it's easier than you think to achieve this - Euro-willing!

"And here's a thought: If you want to know what the future looks like, why not simply look at the past? You see, the past is essentially a series of bubbles. History teaches that. History has taught us that. We economists know the way to limit the damage caused by the last bubble (i.e. the last bubble that burst) is - yep, you guessed it - to magic up another, another bubble. Or, you could look at it this way: It's a bit like relationships really. Relationships? I hear you ask. Yes relationships! One thing we all know when it comes to relationships is, the best way to get over an ex is the next. That's how we move on in life. Right?

"So, let's move on!

What I'm basically saying is this: Think not too hard on the last bubble that burst. Think more about the next, the next bubble we can create. And if there's one thing that we economists are good at, it's - you guessed it - blowing bubbles, forever blowing bubbles.

"So let's all sing together - the economists' favorite song:-

I'm forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air.
They fly so high,
Nearly reach the sky,
Then like my dreams,
They fade and die.
Fortune's always hiding,
I've looked everywhere,
I'm forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air.

The wealth of nations

2010-11-15T12:31:00.008Z

Britain's biggest banks (or what's left of them) are considering a revolutionary new idea: Cutting the bonus pool. They are concerned taxpayers, who bailed them out in 2008, will object to large pay awards when they're having to tighten their own belts. One senior banker announced today:-

"It is probably true we are thinking about having a large lunch in the City, where it is not inconceivable that the subject of bonuses may arise, if only in passing. We are aware certain somewhat envious, and may I say, odious individuals, are incapable of grasping what the banking sector has delivered in recent years. These people believe that just because on one occasion the nation had to pay back all the money that had till then flowed into Treasury coffers, this represents poor value for money."

"Oh yes, they may well acknowledge the enormous tax revenues the banking sector generated over the past decade. Yes, they may well accept that my wife, Lady Banks, spent hundreds of thousands of pounds propping up the retail sector with her generous purchases of diamonds, of new kitchens and of designer clothing.

"But then they have the temerity to insinuate that senior bankers like myself and my hard-working staff have squirreled away many millions, nay billions of pounds in off-shore bank accounts, never to be seen again. They even claim that such nest-eggs were the product of the very credit derivatives deals that almost bankrupted Britain in the first place, and therefore should've been paid back when the banking system collapsed."

"But what kind of nonsense is this?

"If Britain is to retain it's number one banking slot, and if we are to incentivise future generations to follow the entrepreneurial lead set by myself - especially when said generations will leave academia saddled with debt - and if we are to revive the economy by allowing billions, should I say, trillions of virtual cyber-pounds and cyber-dollars to slosh around the financial markets once again, then surely we must continue waving these inordinately large sums in front of the deserving greedy, so they too can pursue the age old tradition much loved by all financial centres - namely, get rich quick and sod the consequences.

"So now, if you will, let me quote two historical characters who've had much to offer on the subject - that's if you won't take my word for it: First, that great economist Adam Smith who knew all there was to know about incentives: "Greed is good. And the good should grab all they can." Never a truer thing were said in my reckoning. And if that doesn't convince you, then what about the wise words of that other great Scottish writer, George Orwell (Eric Blair): "All men are created greedy, but some are greedier than others."

"So I say to you earnestly: Sod off and leave our bonuses alone. For if you don't, we'll sod off and take all our shiny buildings in Canary Wharf, and all our houses in Holland Park, all our private schools, our Porsches, our Ferraris, and all our foreign villas, and decamp to Beijing, Hong Kong or Taiwan where they are quite frankly desperate to invest in the kind of casino derivatives that brought the West to its knees in those heady and, may I say, exciting days back in 2008. At least over there they won't object to our paying ourselves massive bonuses. And why should they? For it is not their taxpayers that shall be bailing us out next time!"

Sixty thousand characters in search of an author

2010-11-10T21:07:00.005Z

"Listen, the point is this: We students don't care the last government massively increased the number of University places and introduced tuition fees at the same time. And so what if it meant anyone could potentially go to Uni and do Mickey Mouse courses like "David Beckham Studies", "The Literature of Jordan (aka Katie Price), "Equestrian Behaviorology", "The Phenomenology of Big Brother (part-funded by Endemon Productions), or "The Aetiology of Strictly Come Dancing". It's not our problem if this policy drained funding from dinosaur subjects like Astral-Physics, (In)Humanities, so-called English Literature, Law (which doesn't mean anything to most people) or History (which is all subjective anyway). We don't even give a damn this policy created a funding gap this Conservative-led government had to bridge, especially in times of economic hardship (whatever that actually means!)

"No! What really pisses us off is Nick Clegg, and the fact he reneged on his promises, before and during the general election, that he would get rid of tuition fees and not increase them. So what, if he and the LibDamns wouldn't have got into government in the first place had he not done a deal with the Tories? So what, if the last government which commissioned the Browne Report would have acted in line with the report's findings as well (had it got back in)?

"No! It's the complete and utter lies and hypocrisy that utterly disgusts us. Some of us students, like, actually voted for the LimDamns, even though we thought they wouldn't get into government anyway. But we assumed that, had they got in, then they would have implemented everything they said they would, in the same way that, if Father Christmas was really Father Christmas, he would actually come down the chimney and deliver us all the X-Boxes and IPads we students need simply to get by.

"Doesn't turncoat Clegg, like, realise that if we students can't afford our IPods, IPads, Nintendos, X-Boxes, Blackberries, or, for that matter, our cannabis and ecstasy - i.e. those little things that help us to get through the hardships of student life - then we'll have no alternative but to go out onto the streets and protest - which is something we haven't done for years? Like, student life would be sooo boring if we were so strapped we couldn't spend all day chatting to our mates on Facebook. It's our right to Twitter and post on YouTube at the same time as smoking grass. And anyway it's like really cold out on the streets and we wouldn't want to protest for long because we think protesting's like soooo last season.

"But, Mr. Clegg, you leave us with no alternative, because you lied to us. You lied to us, even though most of us didn't believe you anyway because you're a politician. And what really hurts is, you lied to us when we weren't bothered you were lying to us, because we thought you'd never get into power anyway. And now that you lied to us and you actually have got into power, you leave us with no alternative but to be confused, disheartened, displaced, bereft of identity... searching, searching for something. (For the first time in decades).

"So please, Mr. Clegg... please can you lie to us some more so we can conduct more protests this winter? The thing is, we don't want to go out onto those cold, icy streets. How're we going to summon up the energy (to protest again and again and again), unless you give us the fuel we need? Now we have the bit between our teeth, it would really help, it really would, if you could, like, make us more angry... or, at least, give us the wherewithal to make people think we're angry.

So, please, please, please, Mr. Clegg. Please can you lie to us some more?

Fallen Guardian

2010-11-04T19:35:00.003Z

The Guardian Newspaper is never afraid to hold the government to account. Day after day, it fights for the less well-off in our society. It delivers insight, it offers original, incisive commentary. It is the scourge of "the establishment". And yet, it cannot hide its own devotion to another kind of establishment - one that'll outlive these here-today-gone-tomorrow politicians and their advisers. We're talking the world of the glamorous jet-setters we call celebs - and the establishments they frequent... such as The Ivy.

November 4: In its second-rate "Style and Culture" rag, G2, the Guardian devotes four gruesomely fawning pages to a restaurant that means little to the dispossessed, the poor, the humble, the meek, the weak and the disadvantaged on whose behalf Polly Toynbee tirelessly campaigns. The article venerates "Ivy" celebrities and the "Ivy" lifestyles that, throughout the last decade (and throughout the decadence), were synonymous with the gulf that emerged between the haves and the have-nots, the rich and the poor.

If the article counts as campaigning journalism, then the Ivy is a refuge for the starving masses... Here's what the celebs are saying about the Guardian's favorite restaurant (apparently):-

Kevin Spacey - I only go there when I haven't seen Bill (Clinton) for a while. These days, Bill is hard to please when it comes to London eating establishments. But there's a special place in his heart for the Ivy. Especially when John (Cleese) is there, doing his funny walks and being abusive to the waiters.

Ricky Gervais - I know what you're going to say. I'm that short fat ugly pathetic cynical little bloke that should hate jumped up celeb haunts like the Ivy. But in all honesty and in all actual fact, I can't get enough of the place. And who wouldn't, when on any given evening you can chew the breeze with Ruby Wax, Piers Morgan, Michael Winner, Lily Allen, Robert Mugabe, Mick Jagger, David Bowie, Saddam Hussein, Ant and Dec, Val Kilmer, Angelina Jolie, George Best, Roger Moore, Herman Van Rompuy, Edward and Mrs Simpson and the Queen Mother to name but a few. I'm no name dropper, but it's hard not to be mesmerised by all the people I said I'd never be mesmerised by. Isn't it?

Piers Morgan - I'm no name dropper. But I tell you one thing: I haven't enough fingers on my dirty little hands to count the number of famous people I've hung out with at the Ivy. One of the best occasions was when Jeremy Paxman asked me in all honesty whether I was a grubby, social-climbing, back-stabbing little creep who'd sell his own Grandmother for fifteen minutes of fame. I responded - rather wittily, I have to say - by telling Jezza that if he didn't take back what he said, I wouldn't let him partake in the Dom Perignon 1959 that I had ordered for all present. At which point he admitted that I was a man of style and substance. And then, Jezz and I, along with Beyonce, Simon Cowell, Sean Penn, Sophie Raworth, Michael Winner, Kylie Minogue and Mother Theresa of Calcutta all proceeded to drink our way through five bottles of Chateau Petrus and ten bottles of Puligny-Montrachet, whilst extolling the virtues of consumer capitalism.

Jordan - Now, I'm no name dropper. But when you've arrived like I has, you can't help noticing that loads of famous blokes all just want to be your friend. And I always say: It's not because I'm at the Ivy that all these blokes want to get into my knockers, but it doesn't half help. Some famous writer bloke called Martin Amis once came up to me when I was sitting on table three, which is the best table of all, and asked me whether he could deconstruct my boobs in his next novel, whatever that's supposed to mean. Well, I was still going out with Pete Andre at the time and Pete offered to punch this writer's lights out, until he was physically restrained by Kevin Spacey, who's apparently an actor or something.

Marty (Amis) - Far be it from me to drop names, to name-drop. For, what's in a name? A celeb by any other name is just as sweet. And Jordan meant nothing. But I was put up to this unholy act by Mick (Jagger), Tom (Cruise), Bob (Mugabe), Robbie Coltrane, Nigella Lawson, Victoria (of Beckham fame) and Anne Widdecombe - all of whom sat at table, the table, my table. And it wasn't a "tabula rasa", I can tell you. I, Mart, I'd eaten five kilos of asparagus. Yes, five whole bloody kilos. The cabbage-pee-stench that was raping the urinal as I exorcised my bladder, it made me strong, it emboldened... me. And then Mart had a vision: Mart was fucked if he didn't have the courage to ask Jordan if he could fondle her titties. Call it preparation for the next oeuvre - the oeuvre about titties. Call it what you like. Call it the fame and glamour that is the Ivy. Now that ain't name dropping. That's... that's ball-dropping. Mart's a ball-dropper. Ivy league. Ivy... League. My restaurant. It's balls.

Information Super-highwaymen

2010-10-25T12:46:00.006+01:00

Guten tag, ladies und gentlemen. My name is Herman und I originate from that piece of Germany we used to be calling the GDR - that's the democratic republic, even though we didn't have the vote. But who needs it anyway?

Anyhow, I have come here today because I am talking to you about the wonderful successes of your information gathering systems you have built in the West. Now, I speak as a man who should know thing or two about information gatherings. You see, I used to be working for that much misunderstood organisation known as the Stasi. Boy in those days did we have our works cut out for us? We had to co-opt hunderts of thousands of helpful citizens in order to build our profiles of the enemies of the state. We were documenting the every movements, the loves, the passions, the predilections of these people. It was sehr pain-staking task und it took many, many man hours, I can be telling you.

But now you in the West have built something that is zoh infinitely better at information gatherings und retrievals. Das ist called "information superhighway" und everybody, yes, everybody love using it. On your social network site for examples, you are extremely delighted to reveal all of your innermost secrets. You are telling the whole worlds your names und addresses, where you are working, who you are in love with, where you like to go clubbings, where you will be going on holidays, what kind of food you eat, what kinds of peoples you meet, your political und religious affiliations, your fears, your hates, und, nowadays, even where you are in the world at any given time of the day or night.

Wow! This is simply wunderbar! You know, I am so envious, so, so envious. Ich could become positively addicted to so much informations. Never in our wildest dreams did we think zie ordinary citizens would volunteer this kind of details. If only we had your superhighways in our day, life at the Stasi would have been so much easier. We could have done the work of hunderts of thousands of men mit one mainframe computer. Ya! You can believe it. Ein single mainframe computer! What is even more spiffing, as you peoples like to say, is das information is not only available to the peoples in your countries but to peoples everywhere in the world. Ein computer official in Beijing can even access all your secrets. Now that really is information revolution. Ya?

Now of course I must be qualifying these enthusiasms of mine to some extents. Because of course, not all informations are available, the more is the pity! Das officialdom und many, many companies do not like to be posting all these kinds of sensitive informations for everyone und Uncle Tom Cobley to be seeing. Nein! It is simply not zee done thing when it is real, real sensitive stuffs that might be having some kind of monetary impacts or something like that for example. But then Rome was not built in ein day. Und, let's face it, even some of this important stuff can be accessed by cyber-hackers if es ist totalische necessary.

Anyway at least it seems that for the time beings the ordinary citizens do not have so many of these monetary concerns because they are regularly falling victims to the cyber-scams und the credit card frauds. And can you believe it, they are even telling the burglars on the social networking sites when they are going on holidays and vacating their homes und stuff. So, the future ist looking sehr good, sehr, sehr positive indeed. These super-highways are music to the ear of an old Stasi man like myself. As we once used to be saying back in those good old days: Your information ist our information, und our information ist our information!